August 2010 [SAFETY IN GROUPS TO FOSTER GROWTH] Small Group Leadership Forum. Henry Cloud

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1 August 2010 Small Group Leadership Forum Henry Cloud [SAFETY IN GROUPS TO FOSTER GROWTH] Creating space for honesty and authenticity in order to help people grow

2 Small Group Leadership Forum Henry Cloud Two kinds of Small Group environments in a church: 1. The Uptight Church Group The membership requirement is that you must be spiritual or holy. If you show any imperfections in this group, you are termed as having backslidden or lost your walk. People all tend to look a lot better upfront, but they get worse over time. 2. Recovery Group The membership requirement is that you must be really screwed up. If you don t show any of your imperfections in this group, you are termed to be in denial. People all tend to look a mess upfront, but they get better over time. Chapel Question: Which kind of group will you be? The experience that people will have in one of these groups will feel either like a mugging or surgery. Both the mugger and the surgeon will come in with a mask on, strip you of your clothes, stick you with a knife, leave you unconscious and then take all your money. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MUGGING AND A SURGERY IS THAT ONE IS INTENDED TO HARM AND THE OTHER IS INTENDED TO MAKE US BETTER TO BRING HEALING. How do we help people to experience the environment that brings healing and helps people grow? How do people get beyond their struggles and overcome the sin in their life? We create environments that are germ free so we don t make the wound worse. We acknowledge wounds in people s lives so they will be willing to uncover them and help them embrace their faults. We help them find healing and growth in community. 1 Small Group Leader Forum August 2010

3 Ways in which people grow in Small Groups: 1. We grow by suffering - Arm yourselves with this purpose Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves also to suffer. Protect with the same purpose, because he who has suffered in the flesh has yourself in life by ceased from sin, 1 Peter 4:1 having as one of your purposes, a willingness to suffer. Those who have suffered in their body are done with sin. Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30): 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not Why did the person sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was who was given one afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. Matt 25:24-25 talent bury the money in the darkness? Because he was afraid to lose what he had and was afraid to risk it to gain more. Therefore God took the talent away from the fearful one and gave it to the one who was willing to risk. The person suffers alone. Everyone uses their talents/skills to cover up their wounds in order to avoid pain and suffering. When we keep things hidden so we don t have to face the painful situation, nothing changes. We have a need-fear dilemma. The areas of our lives that need to grow, are the areas we need to bring up into the light and out in the open for others to see but we fear doing this. Our fears force us to keep things hidden and secret and we don t grow. The role of the small group is to help dig up these areas that are hidden so we can bring them into the light. This is the only way we are going to grow, but the problem is that this causes suffering. A SAFE GROUP IS NOT ALWAYS A COMFORTABLE GROUP. Truth is revealed to us that we must face about ourselves. The group must have a covenant that they are going to be a safe place for people to grow. The group must make it OK to be honest and open with each other so they can help each other grow. Groups must be comfortable talking about difficult things. 2 Small Group Leader Forum August 2010

4 2. We grow by getting to the Drivers that are underneath our life issues. Rules do not help create permanent internal change. Ex: struggling with pornography just knowing how bad something is doesn t stop us from doing it. Knowing the rules of right and wrong is the law, and Scripture tells us that the law is useless to change us. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. Romans 8:3 We must get at the root of our brokenness. What is the need that we are trying to get met but are unable to do so, and therefore use inappropriate measures to meet them? Jesus is tempted but in each temptation, he understood what his Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from greatest needs were and how the the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the other things would not fill his longings. desert, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. Luke 4:1-2 Our groups must be places where we actively seek out our brokenness, to be a place where we seek and save. Jesus said he came to seek and to save that which was lost. Lost in scripture means: Utterly decimated; Broke beyond repair For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost. Luke 19:10 People come into our group with needs that have never been met and pain that has never been touched. Saved in scripture means: To make whole; To heal 3. We grow by creating groups that are a place where we learn new skills. We all came from a dysfunctional family where we did not learn all the skills to make life work well. We must learn healthy relational patterns and behaviors. Our small groups should be a place of grace where people can be lovingly challenged to mature in their behaviors. 4. We grow by getting from the people in our groups the things we do not possess for ourselves. The group needs to become a place that helps people internalize things that they do not currently possess within themselves. Provide the external structure (guidelines& group rules) to help a person learn the internal disciplines necessary to overcome their issues. Be willing to coach others on their issues, but also be willing to receive coaching. 3 Small Group Leader Forum August 2010

5 How do we create the safety necessary to help people bring things out into the light? How do we help foster honesty and authenticity? 1. People feel safe when they know the rules. Sit down with your group and define what you want your group to be. Discuss your expectations of being authentic and honest. Share together about what is difficult to talk about. Establish rules for your group regarding what behavior is normal and expected. 2. Create a structured path that will take them to the places of intimacy and honesty. Good materials Good questions Activities that are designed to help them open up and share. Ex: box of Questions 3. Give a common language to the issues and things people face so they can discuss them more easily. I have a James 5:16 thing Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. James 5:16 Use the phrase Coaching moment here Ex: The Four Agreements - A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz (not Biblically based) 1. Be impeccable with your word (say what you mean) 2. Don t take anything personally 3. Don t make assumptions 4. Always do your best If your brother sins against you, go and Use the phrase I have a Matthew 18:15 show him his fault, just between the two to share (in a face to face conflict of you. If he listens to you, you have resolution ) won your brother over. Matthew 18:15 4. Safety comes from helping each other to grow. Go with the person to a difficult situation Coach a person in how to respond better in that situation Allow the person another chance to rephrase their question or respond in a less harsh way. 5. Model dealing with a difficult situation Share a time when you experienced something similar and discuss how you handled it. Role play a common scenario and help others to learn how to handle it. 4 Small Group Leader Forum August 2010

6 6. Establish group norms - A group will enforce norms. Ex: We will be a group that gives to each other and sacrifice for each other. Ex: We will be a group that always speaks truth. Create a tradition to begin or end each meeting that fosters openness and authenticity. Ex: ask the question Is there something on your heart you haven t had the chance to share today? 7. Safety comes from talking about where safety comes from. Discuss what feels safe and unsafe to each person in the group. Ex: Give me feedback but tell me you like me first before you tell me the truth and then tell me you like me again. Give the person what they need until they are so comfortable with the process that they no longer need the support from you to be able to manage their issue well. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. Ephesians 4: Small Group Leader Forum August 2010

7 Discussion Questions Below is a list of questions. You do not need to go through all of them. These are simply provided to help guide your discussion time. You may choose to use some of these questions and you may choose to create your own. The desire is that you engage in the topic of the morning and discuss it honestly and learn from each other. 1. What did Henry share today that really had you excited? 2. Was there anything that was shared that had you concerned? 3. Was Brian and Cristina s story challenging or de-motivating to you? Why? 4. What has or does prevent you from sharing difficult situations in groups? 5. How do we respond when others share a difficult burden in our groups? 6. How does God respond to us when we are honest before him? 7. How comfortable are you in leading when someone shares really deep and personal things? 8. Have you ever experienced the Uptight Church Group or The Recovery Group in the past? If so, how did it make you feel? 9. If you placed the Uptight Church Group and The Recovery Group on opposite extremes of the small group spectrum, which side would your group tend to fall? Why? 10. Has your group clearly defined what the expectations are for your time together? Do they know what the ground rules are for what is normal behavior? 11. Share a time when you were in a difficult place in life. How did suffering in that experience help you to grow? 12. For Large Group Studies, what are the challenges to helping your group grow closer and become more vulnerable? How can you overcome them? 13. For Student and Children s Groups, what are the unique challenges you face given the age and maturity level of your group participants? 14. For Care/Support Groups, authenticity and honesty come much quicker, but how do you handle the unhealthy responses to pain in loving but instructive ways? 15. What is one thing you could change in your small group to help it become a safer place for people to share and grow? 16. Share a time when someone in a group you were in opened up and shared about a sensitive issue in their life. Did the group create a safe environment for that person to share further, or did it minimize their pain? If so, how? 17. What one thing do you want to take from this Forum and apply in your group? 6 Small Group Leader Forum August 2010

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