SUPPORTING GRIEVING STUDENTS

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1 SUPPORTING GRIEVING STUDENTS 1 Kristyn Sterk, LMSW ksterk@elesplace.org THREE BASIC PREMISES Grief is a normal reaction to any loss (people, places and things) Grief is unique to each person, and is a life-long process Every person has the capacity to heal, given an emotionally safe environment 2 TASKS OF GRIEF Understanding Grieving Commemorating Reinvesting in life and other relationships J. William Worden 3 G4: Supporting Grieving Students 1

2 DIMENSIONS OF GRIEF Emotional Physical Behavioral Cognitive Spiritual 4 COMMON EMOTIONAL RESPONSES Fear Anger Isolated Hopeless Numb Yearning Panic Despair Sadness Abandoned Guilt Vulnerable Unsafe Shame 5 COMMON SOCIAL/BEHAVIORAL RESPONSES Separation Anxiety Withdrawn/Preoccupied Dependent/Regressive Impulsive Aggressive 6 Rebellious/ defiant Risk taking behavior G4: Supporting Grieving Students 2

3 COMMON SOCIAL/BEHAVIORAL RESPONSES Act out themes of death in play Talk about the death frequently Avoid reference to the deceased Hide their feelings Preoccupation with health Imitate 7 deceased person Crying COMMON COGNITIVE RESPONSES Magical thinking Forgetful Irrational thoughts Indecisive Intrusive thoughts Confused Difficulty concentrating Change in school performance Express wish to die (to be with deceased person) 8 COMMON PHYSICAL RESPONSES Changes in eating Fatigue Changes in sleeping Aches & pains Change in activity level Toileting disturbances Increase in sensory awareness Manifest symptoms of deceased 9 G4: Supporting Grieving Students 3

4 COMMON SPIRITUAL RESPONSES Questioning or embracing religious teachings Anger at God Loss of sense of safety Feeling presence of deceased 10 CHARACTERISTICS OF CHILDREN S GRIEF Immature cognitive development Limited ability to tolerate emotional pain Limited ability to verbalize feelings Want to fit it with peers 11 CHARACTERISTICS OF CHILDREN S GRIEF Re-grieving Limited coping skills Look to adults to model appropriate grief expression Likely to blame themselves 12 G4: Supporting Grieving Students 4

5 DEVELOPMENTAL CONSIDERATIONS: BIRTH TO 5 Infants Age 2-5: Limited awareness of death Believe it s reversible Magical thinking is prominent Needs repetition to process new information Fear 13 of abandonment DEVELOPMENTAL CONSIDERATIONS: 6 8 YRS Understands death is final Limited coping capacity Magical thinking still present Shows grief through behavior 14 DEVELOPMENTAL CONSIDERATIONS: 9 12 YEARS Understands death is final & inevitable Less spontaneous in showing feelings Does not want to be different Preoccupation with morbid details, scary images 15 G4: Supporting Grieving Students 5

6 DEVELOPMENTAL CONSIDERATIONS: TEENS Understands death is final, inevitable, & universal Striving for independence; does not want to ask for help Sense of invulnerability can lead to risk taking behavior Spiritual questioning 16 SUPPORTING A GRIEVING CHILD Create a safe environment Listen Reflect child s thoughts Tolerate difficult emotions Accept and acknowledge the children s feelings Support, don t solve Provide opportunities for expression of feelings in a safe way 17 HELPING STUDENTS What is your role? Language What is helpful/unhelpful? Activities to process death 18 G4: Supporting Grieving Students 6

7 ACTIVITIES Thought Starters Memory Chain Jenga Memory boxes/books Bucket of Tears Inside/Outside Masks Heartstrings 19 MEMORY BOXES 20 BUCKET OF TEARS Choose a book related to loss Each person starts with a stack of tears Read the book Add tears Discuss similarities 21 G4: Supporting Grieving Students 7

8 INSIDE/OUTSIDE MASKS 22 THE SCHOOL SETTING Transitions Expectations Memorializing students who have died Memorial garden Tree planted in honor Painted stones Donations to the school library Scholarship fund Tiles in honor of person Decorated locker/desk for set period of time 23 GRIEF FRIENDLY ENVIRONMENT Acknowledge all good-byes throughout the year Remember that coping with loss is a valuable life skill Uphold standards in a compassionate way Support one another 24 G4: Supporting Grieving Students 8

9 HELPING FAMILIES Attend visitation and/or funeral Use the child s name Acknowledge difficult days Send a card from the class Share community resources for grief support 25 HELPING YOURSELF Grief is a normal response to loss Some deaths will be harder for you than others Create a way at school to formally acknowledge and discuss the death with colleagues, and to seek support Recognize the signs of burnout, and practice self care 26 WHAT IS SELF CARE? Any activity done with the intention of improving or restoring physical or mental health. What do you do to take care of yourself? 27 G4: Supporting Grieving Students 9

10 COMPASSION FATIGUE A state experienced by those helping people in distress; it is an extreme state of tension and preoccupation with the suffering of those being helped to the degree that it is traumatizing for the helper - Dr. Charles Figley Director of the Florida State University Traumatology Institute 28 IDENTIFYING COMPASSION FATIGUE IN OURSELVES AND OTHERS Persistent arousal Re-playing scenes from student s traumatic events Absorbing their emotional suffering Preoccupation with their trauma Intrusive thoughts and feelings of helplessness 29 BURNOUT A state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion caused by involvement in situations that are emotionally demanding-accompanied by disillusionment and negative feelings. 30 G4: Supporting Grieving Students 10

11 IDENTIFYING BURNOUT IN OURSELVES AND OTHERS Quick to anger More illness Lethargic Reduced sense of accomplishment Withdrawn Increased interpersonal conflicts Develop more severe health problems Becoming numb to your environment Feel disillusioned Hardened Overwhelmed 31 EFFECTS OF COMPASSION FATIGUE AND BURNOUT Possible Long Term Effects: Reduced empathy Diminished sense of personal safety Reduced sense of control Hopelessness Participation in escape activities Drug or alcohol use Impact on Work Performance: Low morale Absenteeism Lack of appreciation Avoiding tasks Low motivation Apathy 32 ASSESSING SELF CARE: QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF Is there balance between your work and home lives? Are you setting good boundaries? Do you seek support from others? Are you satisfied with your work? 33 G4: Supporting Grieving Students 11

12 WHY IS SELF CARE IMPORTANT If we do not take care of ourselves, we cannot care for others Lead by example for children 34 QUESTIONS? G4: Supporting Grieving Students 12

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