Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation Pat M. - Virginia. CoDA Face Everything and Recover Retreat
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1 Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation Pat M. - Virginia CoDA 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
2 Lullaby Lyrics: Are You Sleeping Are you sleeping, are you sleeping Brother John, Brother John Morning bells are ringing, Morning bells are ringing Ding, Dong, Ding Ding, Dong, Ding 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
3 Pre CoDA Tune: Are You Sleeping I am angry I am angry It s their fault It s their fault Cause they hurt my feelings Cause they hurt my feelings Shoot them dead For what they said Face Everything and Recover Retreat
4 Early CoDA Tune: Three Blind Mice Oh blind me I can t see How I blocked My serenity. I looked to the world for my happiness But it left my life in an awful mess The steps really work, that I hate to confess, For serenity! 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
5 Later CoDA Tune: Row, Row, Row Your Boat When I work the Steps Doing what they mean. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is now serene Face Everything and Recover Retreat
6 Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
7 What I thought my recovery would look like.
8 What my recovery really looked like.
9 Our goal in recovery is to become happy, joyous, and free. With time in recovery, we come to learn that every thought, every person, every apparent problem we have is here for our sake, so we can learn and grow. This workshop will examine our attitudes and beliefs that block us from being the person we really want to be especially as it relates to anger, resentments and manipulation.
10 Two ways to look at Anger, Resentment & Manipulation 1. How we use anger, resentments, and manipulation 2. How we react to other peoples anger, their resentments towards us, and their attempts to manipulate us.
11 1 st Anger & Resentments Am I anger or irritated with someone? Do I have resentments?
12 What is driving my anger and my resentments?
13
14 List the people, institutions, principles or ideas with which I am (or have been) irritated, upset, or had a resentment
15 What happened? List the evidence or justification
16 When something doesn t meet my expectations, I use to believe, it must be his/her fault? It s not my fault! If they would just change, I would not be so frustrated!
17 I was expecting other to do it correctly and for them to do it right
18 What am I willing to be responsible for in this? What is the exact nature of my mistakes? Selfish or Self-Centered or Self-Seeking Dishonest (my dishonest thinking or deluded thinking) Fearful Inconsiderate
19 Examples of my character defects: Selfishness I want what I want. I want it now. I become angry when I don t get it. I want people to behave or act in a manner I think they should. I become angry when they don t! Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.
20 Dishonesty I think I know what s best for me and everyone else. I believe people are capable of being different from what they are or they are capable of doing what I think they should be doing. I act as if others have the key to my happiness. The idea that other people or their behavior can actually change my self-worth or self-esteem (positively or negatively) is false. I tend to minimize my part and exaggerate their part Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and in a misunderstanding Inconsideration or by resentment. Mike B. and revised by Pat M.
21 Examples of my character defects: Fear I m afraid I won t get what I want. I m afraid of what people think of me or might think of me. I m afraid I won t get the respect or the approval of others. I m afraid to take responsibility for my own life. I m afraid of the consequences of being truthful. I m afraid of conflict and confrontation. I will tell you what I think you want to hear or tell you what I think you will find acceptable. I am afraid to tell you what I really think or feel. Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.
22 Examples of my character defects: Inconsideration If I am in resentment, I am inconsiderate in its literal meaning to myself and everyone in my life. When I mind other people s business I am being inconsiderate. When I don t consider the consequences of my behavior, I am being inconsiderate. Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.
23 Trying to get someone to act or be different than what they are is like
24 And, all this effort, only leaves me frustrated and it annoys the cats!
25 Even if my efforts are sweet!
26 What are the hidden payoffs for holding on to this resentment? Making someone wrong Getting to be right or better-than Avoiding taking the risk of action Not owning the problem Getting to play the victim Able to dominant (control) or avoid being dominated (controlled) Etc.
27 What does holding onto this resentment cost me and my life? Serenity? Happiness? Deep Joy? Fulfillment? Honest Self-Expression? Spiritual Connection? Empowerment? Love & Close, Honest, Truly Intimate Relationships? Physical or Emotional Well-Being? Etc.
28 Stuff that gets passed on to us
29 I can clean up using the steps.
30 But if I don t continue my program
31 Maintenance Steps Step 10 Step 11 Step 12
32 Manipulation What does it look like? My sister and I started creating a list of behaviors that were attempts by other to get us to act, believe, or do what they wanted. Then we remembered that we needed to look at our behaviors not the behaviors of others. So, how had we tried to manipulate others.
33
34 2 nd How we react to other peoples anger and/or their resentments towards us?
35 How do you react to someone anger? Cat
36
37 When confronted with someone else s anger, what program tools can we use to keep our cool And help us respond in a healthy manner??
38 Breath Who s anger is this? When my safety is not at risk, I can take time to make choices about my responses. I don't have to react instantly to provocation, and I am not obligated to justify myself to anyone. Call my sponsor and brainstorm options.
39 Thoughts? Comments? Questions? 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
40 More Recovery Resources from CoDA Books: Codependents Anonymous, The basic text or Big Book of Codependence Anonymous CoDA Twelve Step and Twelve Tradition Workbook NEWCOMERS HANDBOOK, TOOLS OF RECOVERY, Sponsorship: What s in it for Me?, Peeling the Onion, Communication in Recovery, Making Choices, Twelve Steps Handbook, BUILDING CODA COMMUNITY: HEALTHY MEETINGS MATTER, Common Threads of Codependency, EXPERIENCES WITH CROSSTALK, Establishing Boundaries in Recovery, CARRYING THE MESSAGE: LIVING THE TWELFTH STEP. Audio CDs: Personal Sharing on the Twelve Steps, Codependency and Shame, Newcomers and Sponsorship Find Them At Face Everything and Recover Retreat
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