CCM Conflict Coaching -- Workplace. Coaching High Conflict Parties -Dealing with Defensiveness -Coaching the HCE Conflict Coaching Matters LLC

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1 CCM Conflict Coaching -- Workplace Coaching High Conflict Parties -Dealing with Defensiveness -Coaching the HCE 1 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Goals Dealing with Defensiveness Understand High Conflict Employee Behavior Learn techniques for coaching those who work with HCEs Learn techniques for coaching HCEs Recognizing limits to coaching HCEs 2 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 1

2 The Comprehensive Conflict Coaching Model Preparatory Conversation Stage 1: Discovering the Story Stage 2: Exploring 3 Perspectives Stage 3: Crafting the Best Story Stage 4: Enacting the Best Story -Initial story -Refining story -Testing story -Identity -Emotion -Power -Initial story -Refining story -Testing story -Skill-building The Parallel Process: Learning Assessment 3 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Dealing with Defensiveness 4 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 2

3 What behaviors are most toxic and lethal to your relationships? 5 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Gottman Relationship Blog.pdf Work of John Gottman Studied happy marriages for decades His research applies more broadly to relationships Indicators of marriages in peril It is normal to have some of these behaviors in a happy marriage, but partners work to use more constructive behaviors instead (not chronic) 1. Criticism 2. Defensiveness 3. Contempt 4. Stonewalling 6 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 3

4 Four Horsemen Defined Criticism: You criticize the other person by implying there is something wrong with them. Defensiveness: Defend by making counter complaints. You fail to take personal responsibility. Contempt: Statements that put yourself in higher standing than your partner. May include name calling. These are particularly corrosive behaviors. Stonewalling: The listener withdraws from conversation either physically or emotionally. 7 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Disrespecting Identity a trigger for almost everyone 8 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 4

5 Defensiveness What emotions are linked to defensiveness? 9 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Defensive And Supportive Communication Some communication strategies produce defensiveness (defensive triggers) and some decrease defensiveness (supportive communication) Defensive Triggers Supportive Communication Evaluation vs. Description Control vs. Problem Orientation Superiority vs. Equality 10 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 5

6 Evaluation Versus Description Evaluative language judges or criticizes YOU language Descriptive language describes behavior I language 11 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Control Versus Problem Orientation Control messages My issue is the IMPORTANT one Problem orientation Our issue should be the focus 12 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 6

7 Superiority Versus Equality Superiority - all others are inferior or inadequate in some way I m better than you Equality - the other is valued and worthy We re equal 13 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching Defensiveness Help them recognize behaviors that create defensiveness What has been used to make them defensive What they have done to others Help them think about how they can use language to avoid making the other defensive Help them consider how they can respond to reduce the tendency or impact of the other to use defensivetriggering behaviors How can they counteract this? 14 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 7

8 Language that causes defensiveness psq3t2wcfa (2:54) 15 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC How Can We Communicate to Reduce Defensiveness in Others? Let s Return to the Video Example: What could the supervisor/principal have done differently to prevent triggering defensiveness in the IT employee? Description How could she have described the situation to reduce his defensiveness? Problem Orientation How could she have emphasized their shared interests? Equality How could she have communicated their equality? 16 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 8

9 Strategies for Managing Defensiveness Evaluating: Accept responsibility Focus on the issue Label the behavior Controlling: Deal with other s issue first Link issues Emphasize importance of issue Superiority: Ignore Label Don t engage 17 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Video Example: Coaching Managing Defensiveness Case 3 Bobbie Meredith 4A - Stage 4A - Feeling Defensiveness (4:41) 18 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 9

10 Video Example Confronting Defensiveness (12:42): 19 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Are you making people defensive? Dealing with Defensiveness.pdf What are supportive behaviors you can use more effectively than you do? What defensive triggers might you use too often (even if you don t intend to)? How can you prepare yourself to be less defensive when the other uses the triggers? 20 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 10

11 Handling the High Conflict Employee 21 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Understanding HCE Behavior It is important to clarify that unless you are a licensed psychologist or mental health clinician, you are not authorized to diagnose anyone s mental health. What we can do, however, is: 1. Name the behaviors we see and experience 2. Try to understand the person 3. Empathize (not sympathize) 4. Empathize, not endorse 5. Choose an effective behavioral response 22 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 11

12 Understanding HCE Behavior HC[E]s have a repeated pattern of aggressive behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. It may be part of their personalities how they automatically and unconsciously think, feel and behave and they carry this pattern with them.conflict often feels like a life or death struggle.they tend to have a lot of: All-or-nothing thinking Unmanaged emotions Extreme behavior Preoccupation with blaming others (Bill Eddy, BIFF, 2011, pp. 2-3) 23 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching HCE Behaviors Discussion Which of these four behaviors do you find most difficult to handle as a coach? All-or-nothing thinking Unmanaged emotions Extreme behavior Preoccupation with blaming others 24 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 12

13 General HCE Behaviors Adage: Five percent of the employees take up 90 percent of your time! HCEs Lack Self Awareness Hard to understand the extent to which HCEs lack an awareness of how they contribute to their own problems For some HCEs, their strong sense of entitlement and exaggerated self-esteem resulted from always getting what they wanted HCEs have not learned that their own behavior creates or worsens conflict situations Bill Eddy 2011 HCEs Lack Self-Change Because of lack of selfawareness, HCEs make no effort to change their own behavior Complex problems are all the other person s fault They put most of their energy into defending their own behavior and shifting blame HCEs have difficulty learning from their own social mistakes 25 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Five Personality Disorders Most Associated With HCE Behavior: Narcissistic 6.2% of US population 62% male; 38% female Common conflict traits: arrogance, superiority, lack of empathy, insulting, self-centered Borderline 5.9% of US population 47%male; 53% female Common Conflict Traits: sudden intense anger, wide mood swings, revenge and vindication Paranoid 4.4% of US population 43%male; 57% female Common Conflict Traits: extreme fearfulness, mistrusts everyone, fears conspiracies and betrayals 26 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 13

14 Five Personality Disorders Most Associated With HCE Behavior: Antisocial 3.6% of US population 74%male; 26% female Common Conflict Traits: Criminality, lying, fearless, enjoys bullying/ hurting others, like to dominate Histrionic- 1.8% of US population 51%male; 47% female Common Conflict Traits: excessive drama, highly emotional, exaggerates, demands attention, may lie (Bill Eddy, BIFF, 2011, p. 8) 27 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Screening What kinds of screening procedures do you currently use? What limits are there to your ability to work as a coach with a client who is HCE or has even more serious issues? What are the policies of your organization? Your profession? What experience do you have working with HCEs? 28 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 14

15 Methods for Choosing the Better Reaction: #1 BIFF Script a BIFF response in advance of your meeting: Brief Your response should be very short; just a few sentences. If it is too long, you increase the likelihood of falling into blaming behavior Informative Give a couple of sentences of straight, useful information. Do not insert your own opinion. Friendly Start with something like, I appreciate your sharing your opinion on this. Firm End the conversation. Let the person know that this is all you have to say on the subject. If you are going to need to take action, tell the person what you will do so if you don t get what you need by X time. 29 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Practice BIFF Consider the most difficult person you know could be a past client, a family member, a staff person, etc. Imagine your client is dealing with this person How would you coach your client using the BIFF technique? 30 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 15

16 Methods for Choosing the Better Reaction #2: EAR To intercept and change any type of entrenched high conflict thinking, try: Don t Do Empathy Attention Directly criticize/give constructive feedback Respect Bill Eddy, Its All Your Fault, 2009 Empathize with frustration Make threats Reassure that you care Point out inconsistencies Attend/listen Make suggestions Respect their good qualities 31 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC What Would You Do? Meet an HCE HR Director? Practice coaching her using BIFF Imagine you are coaching John, prepare him to use EAR 32 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 16

17 Resources Eddy, B. (2009). Its all your fault: 12 tips for managing people who blame others for everything. HCI Press. Eddy, B. (2011). BIFF: Quick responses to high-conflict people, their personal attacks, hostile s, and social mediation meltdowns. Unhooked Books. Fox, D. (2015). Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, & Histrionic Workbook: Treatment strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders. PPM. Ingersoll, Wagner & Gharib (2000), NIAA Project MATCH Motivational Enhancement Therapy Manual Keegan and Lahey (2009). Immunity to Change: How to overcome it and unlock the potential in yourself and your organization. Harvard School of Business. 33 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC Coaching High Conflict Parties 17