The Healing Power of Forgiveness: A Heart Centered Approach

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1 The Healing Pwer f Frgiveness: A Heart Centered Apprach Cpywrite 2009 by Judith Perlman, LCSW All rights reserved What culd yu want frgiveness cannt give? D yu want peace? Frgiveness ffers it. D yu want happiness, a quiet mind, a certainty f purpse and a sense f wrth and beauty that transcends the wrld? D yu want a quietness that cannt be disturbed, a gentleness that never can be hurt, a deep, abiding cmfrt, and a rest s perfect it can never be upset? All this frgiveness ffers yu, and mre. A Curse in Miracles 1

2 CHAPTER I AN INTRODUCTION TO FORGIVENESS As a psychtherapist specializing in health psychlgy fr ver twenty years, I ve cme t understand that in rder t live fully and jyfully in the present, it is abslutely necessary t release the pain that we all carry with us frm the past. Withut the pwer f frgiveness t help us heal, the past has the ptential t destry ur present lives. Giving up the past is nt easy -- but it is ne f the keys t a rewarding life. When yu release the past yu reclaim yur pwer. We re all wunded. Peple wh have lived life with any depth have experienced lss and disappintment. We all have limited life-energy. When ur life-energy is directed t the past, we have less energy t live in the present. When we release the past, we have mre pwer t heal, t selfactualize, t becme whle t live a full and satisfying life. I have yet t meet the persn wh hasn t experienced sme kind f hurt r painful trauma during their lifetime. But why wuld any f us want t frgive smene wh had deliberately hurt us? What wuld be the benefit? Hw des the lack f frgiveness harm us? The experience f being wunded, and what happens t ne as ne respnds t the wund, gives us the wisdm t heal ur selves and ne anther. --Dr. Rachel Nami Remen 2

3 Scientists tell us that emtins such as sadness, anger, guilt and resentment, if chrnic, can damage us mentally, physically and spiritually. They can interfere with ur relatinships at wrk and at hme. They can affect ur verall sense f well-being. I ve been investigating the tpic within the fields f psychlgy and spirituality fr ver tw decades. I began my interest in frgiveness t achieve peace f mind. Only later did I learn the pwerful healing effects f frgiveness n the bdy, mind and spirit. Nt nly will frgiveness ffer peace f mind and imprve yur physical health, but learning t frgive cntributes t yur level f cnsciusness and self-awareness by bringing high frequency subtle energies int yur heart center. The lack f frgiveness is dangerus. Current research shws that negative emtins can trigger an avalanche f stress hrmnes that can accelerate heart rate, shut dwn the immune system, and increase ur chances f develping serius illnesses. An abundance f research dcuments the harmful effects f anger and resentment n the bdy. Smene nce said that hlding a grudge is like taking pisn and expecting yur enemy t get sick." By far the strngest pisn t the human spirit is the inability t frgive neself r anther persn. It disables the persn s emtinal resurces. When we refuse t frgive we sit in a prisn f txic emtins. Carlyn Myss Since 1997 I ve cnducted numerus frgiveness wrkshps fr individuals frm all walks f life. Sme came t learn self-frgiveness. 3

4 Others wrked t frgive lved nes, friends, c-wrkers, caregivers, deceased family members and even Gd. Their grievances ran the full gamut betrayal, marital infidelity, vilence, incest, verbal and emtinal abuse, and the existential feelings f regret that cme with catastrphic illness and end f life. But, research has shwn that n matter hw awful the ffense, the ability t frgive can be learned Practically all f us have the capacity fr frgiveness. We can all see urselves frgiving sme small slight, sme little ffense r misunderstanding. We tend t think that majr ffenses are unfrgivable. But ur ability t frgive is much greater than we think. I ve watched as clients mved frm hurt and anger t cmpassin and peace. I watched them wrk thrugh guilt and regret and develp pride and self-acceptance. I ve watched numerus individuals with the selfimage f Victim becme spiritual warrirs and Victrs as they cntinued t wrk with the prcess f frgiveness. It s understandable that we re fearful f giving up ur wunds, because it means change. But remember: we can t be a victim and als be empwered. We can t live ur lives filled with guilt r in hpe f revenge, because this fills us with negative emtins and cntinues the ther persn s pwer ver us. We can t burden urselves with chrnic sadness, anger, resentment and guilt, and still expect peace f mind. We can t be embittered and expect healthy, successful relatinships. Althugh we may nt be respnsible when a bad thing happens t us, we are in cntrl f ur lng-term attitude abut what happened. It is really 4

5 ur chice. Frgiveness des nt und the actins f the past but it des recgnize that we can use the past t grw. Frgiveness is a persnal act. It is a sign f strength f ur inner pwer t turn ur hearts frm malice t lve, frm resentment t understanding and then t mve n. When we decide t frgiven, we begin t learn that when we r thers behave badly, it is because f deep feelings f pain. And when we learn t understand the pain and frgive the transgressins f thers, we can frgive urselves mre easily. T frgive is nt t excuse hurtful behavir; it is t recgnize that despite hurtful behavirs, the persn wh behaved badly still has intrinsic wrth just by virtue f the fact that he/she is a human being and that at the sul level we are all brthers united in the Surce f life itself. Frgiveness is giving up the pssibility f a better past. CHAPTER II WHAT IS REQUIRED TO FORGIVE? 5

6 Researchers and writers n frgiveness generally agree that we must be willing t undertake five mental tasks: (1) We must understand the true meaning f frgiveness. Frgiveness is nt abut wh is right r wrng; cndning hurtful behavir; frgetting the ffense; surrendering ur right t justice; being a victim; abslving the hurtful behavir; pretending the hurtful behavir didn t ccur; lss f pwer; getting the ther persn t d smething different; self-righteusness, superirity r pity. Frgiveness is a gift we give urselves t achieve peace f mind; freedm frm the past; a decisin t live in the present mment; recgnitin that we have a chice abut ur thughts; self-respect; strength and empwerment cnnecting t ur spiritual, lving self. Remember, ur act f frgiveness desn't mean that we cndne r abslve the hurtful behavir -- r that we're frgetting abut it. Frgiveness desn't require us t recncile with the ffender r t get him r her t d smething different. 6

7 Frgiveness des mean recgnizing that we have a chice abut ur perceptins and ur thughts -- and that we are chsing peace f mind. Frgiveness means freeing urselves frm the past and chsing t live in the present mment...chsing empwerment ver victim-hd...and chsing t cnnect t ur spiritual, lving selves. (2) We must be willing t let dwn ur defenses. It s difficult t experience the full intensity f ur feelings. Of curse, nne f us like t feel vulnerable -- but we can t let g f emtins that we haven t first acknwledged. (3) We must be willing t give up the need fr vindicatin r revenge. It's natural t want retributin, and we usually dn t give up the need fr revenge until we realize that it hasn t wrked -- and is nt ging t wrk. Old Chinese Prverb The ne wh pursues revenge shuld dig tw graves. Smetimes we hld n t hurt and anger in the hpe that we will ultimately get the ffender t admit wrng r t change. We must give up that hpe if we are t achieve the peace f mind that cmes with frgiveness. When we are wrking t frgive urselves there are many challenges t be faced. In rder t admit wrng, we must let dwn ur defenses, and feelings f vulnerability may arise. All f us are generally prtective f ur self-image. Giving up a self-image f inncence can feel threatening. We may errneusly believe that t admit wrngding will jepardize ur sense f wrth and we may defend against it. 7

8 T admit t anther that we are wrng may result in a lss f status r pwer in the relatinship. And, we may avid admitting wrngding in rder t avid humiliatin. Finally, we are challenged because with frgiveness we risk change in ur relatinship and in ur life. (4) We must be willing t shift ur view f the ffender. We cannt frgive unless we develp empathy and cmpassin. It's imprtant t understand that peple cmmit painful acts under the influence f their wn persnal pain. Henry Wadswrth Lngfellw said it best: If we culd read the secret histry f ur enemies, we wuld find, in each persn s life, srrw and suffering enugh t disarm all hstility. It's easier t frgive if we can ask urselves, "What must have happened t the ffender t cause this behavir?" (5) Finally, we must change ur stry. We all cnstruct a stry that we tell abut urselves in rder t give ur lives meaning. And giving an experience structure and meaning makes its emtinal effects mre manageable. But if we are truly cmmitted t frgiveness, we must change ur stry. We can n lnger see urselves as a victim. We must create a new stry t tell abut urselves a stry f empwerment. Once yu re willing t undertake these five mental tasks, yu re ready t frgive. Althugh letting g f the pain frm the past can be difficult, the rewards f frgiveness are pwerful. Liberating yurself frm the past will help t bring yu clser t peace f mind and true inner healing. CHAPTER III GETTING STARTED 8

9 I ve said that frgiveness can be learned, and the prcess is the same, n matter hw severe the ffense. Of curse, the wrse the ffense, the harder ne must wrk t achieve frgiveness. Frgiveness training first invlves having a clear understanding f frgiveness. Once again, yu must remember that frgiveness is nt cndning, pardning r excusing the ffender. It is acknwledging that althugh yu may nt be respnsible fr what happened, yu are fully respnsible fr yur lng-term attitude. In Chapter V yu will find the mst frequently asked questins. Refer t this chapter is yu need a mre intellectual understanding f frgiveness. In-depth frgiveness is nt an epiphany r a ne-time event. It takes practice and patience. But the rewards are pwerful. Research has shwn that just having an intellectual understanding f frgiveness is nt enugh. Mind-bdy practices such as jurnal writing and visualizatin help t calm and rerient the mind, bdy and emtins. The fllwing Five Steps will help yu begin the prcess f frgiveness by develping self-awareness and srting thrugh yur emtins. Frgiveness is a brave chice. Cngratulatins as yu begin yur quest! Chapter IV Five Key Steps t an Open Heart Thse wh cannt frgive thers break the bridge 9

10 ver which they themselves must pass. -- Cnfucius Step 1 Deciding t Frgive Allw yurself t be hnest: yu may nt be ready t frgive. Yu may need mre infrmatin abut frgiveness t determine if yu are ready t begin the prcess. First, realize that frgiveness can be either an altruistic act r a gift t yurself. Frgiveness des nt require that yu recncile with the ffender. It des nt require that yu pardn, cndne r excuse the ffending behavir. It des require that yu are willing t assume respnsibility fr yur wn behavirs and emtins. If yu have made the chice, write dwn yur willingness t have frgiveness as a gal. Just making the decisin that I need t stp being furius with is a pwerful beginning. Yu can als write yur intentin n a 3x5 card and refer t it during the day as a reminder. Step 2 Acknwledging Painful Emtins T really let g f yur grievance, yu need t release nt nly the memry f what happened, but als the feelings that yu had at the time. If yu just 10

11 try t let g f the memry withut getting in tuch with the feelings, yur frgiveness will nly be intellectual. Yu can t achieve peace f mind withut first admitting t, then letting g f the actual feelings. Fully acknwledge the painful emtins caused by the grievance. Frget the advice abut frgive and frget. Trying t frget is a frm f denial that desn t wrk. A crucial step in healing is actually allwing yurself t fully feel yur pain. Think abut hw yu were hurt and hw yu feel right nw. In rder t frgive, yu have t remember. Cnfrnt yur resentment, pain and anger. This isn t easy but yu can t let g f emtins that yu haven t first fully wned. Ask yurself the fllwing questins: What did the ffender d? If yu are frgiving yurself, what did yu d? Hw did yu feel at the time it happened? Be brutally hnest with yurself. G beneath the surface. If yu just remember feeling anger, can yu identify that there was hurt and sadness beneath the anger? Hw abut shame and feelings f wrthlessness? If yu re frgiving yurself, did yu feel jealus r inferir at the time? Hw has the grievance affected yur life? Hw des the grievance affect yu tday? What were sme f the ways yu attempted t remedy the prblem. Did yu express yur feelings t the ffender? Did yu take actin t keep yurself safe if necessary? If yu are frgiving yurself, hw did yu attempt t take respnsibility fr yur actin and make amends? (Yu can t 11

12 begin t frgive yurself if yu ve never attempted t make amends.) Step 3 Uncvering Resistance In rder t frgive, yu must fully evaluate what yu stand t lse if yu let g f yur grievance. When peple cme int therapy, I generally tell them that there is risk invlved in develping self-awareness. The mre self-aware we are, the mre we knw we must change. Change can ften be frightening but it leads t grwth. But remember, unless yu learn t let g f the pain frm the past, yu cntinue t give the ffender the pwer t cntrl yu and yur life and wellbeing. Begin t uncver yur wn resistance t the frgiveness prcess. Yu may believe that if yu frgive the ffender, it is a sign f weakness, and yu will experience a lss f cntrl r pwer. Or yu may nt be ready t give up yur desire fr vindicatin. Yu may want t retaliate and cause the persn wh hurt yu t suffer as much as yu. If yu feel resistance; here are sme helpful questins t explre. D yu use anger as a way t make yu feel safe? D yu use guilt r anger t cntrl r manipulate thers? D yu use the grievance as a way t avid cmmunicatin? D yu use silence as a weapn? D yu hld nt the pain frm the past as an excuse fr nt taking charge f yur life tday? D yu secretly wish t punish the ffender? 12

13 Step 4 Changing Yur Perceptins Empathy is essential fr frgiving thers. Cmpassin is essential fr frgiving the self. When a persn is able t have an pen heart empathy and cmpassin are natural. In fact, empathy and cmpassin are natural states f being when we are cnnected t ur Spirit and The Surce f life. Empathy invlves seeing things frm anther persn s pint f view, feeling the persn s feelings and identifying with the pressures that made the persn hurt yu. T develp the empathy t frgive smene else, begin t imagine walking in the ffender s shes. Try t understand the ffender in the cntext f the whle f his r her life. Cmpassin is when the same understanding is turned inward. Remember this des nt mean that yu are cndning hurtful behavir. It des mean that yu understand hw the behavir happened. Is there anything in the ther persn s backgrund that culd explain the ffensive behavir? What was his/her life like grwing up? What d yu think may have been happening at the time f the ffense? What was the ffender s self-image at the time? Hw wuld yur ffender explain the harmful acts? Try t figure ut what the mtivatin might have been. 13

14 Remember, when peple act badly, their behavir is always cming frm a place f internal pain. A persn wh has an pen and lving heart des nt hurt thers. And as yu begin t empathize, yur wn heart will sften, and it will be easier t develp the cmpassin that frgiveness requires. If we culd read the secret histry f ur enemies; we wuld find in each persn s life srrw and suffering enugh t disarm all hstility. Henry Wadswrth Lngfellw Self-Frgiveness We learn self-cmpassin by remembering that when we behave badly, it is because f deep feelings f pain. Remember, we frgive urselves fr ding wrng nt being wrng. If yu are frgiving yurself, cnsider yur respnses t these questins: Was the ffense an accident? Were yu negligent r did yu ffend n purpse? Is there anything in yur backgrund that wuld explain yur hurtful, incnsiderate r therwise pr behavir? What feelings and pressures made yu behave badly? Begin by trying t view the situatin differently. See yurself as having dne the best yu culd under difficult circumstances (remember: yu didn t knw then what yu knw nw). Perhaps yu had n pwer t change the situatin. Or maybe yu were bund by ther bligatins. What meaning, ther than the ffense t yu, can yu find in what happened? 14

15 Cmpassin breeds understanding, which in turn invites frgiveness. Cmpassin is the antitxin f the sul. Father Paul Keenan Step 5 Using the Mind-Bdy Cnnectin The decisin t frgive isn t enugh. Frgiveness must be learned via an nging prcess. Jurnal writing, guided imagery, dream interpretatin, the arts are all examples f mind-bdy strategies t help the frgiveness prcess. There is anther categry f interventins that seem very pwerful but have nt yet been fully researched. These are nn-lcal healing strategies such as prayer, energy medicine, Thught Field Therapy, the pwer f intentin, and cnsciusly using the energy arund the heart. I use these strategies in my private practice and in my frgiveness supprt grups. Many f these exercises can be fund in this bk. CHAPTER V MIND-BODY EXERCISES Jurnal Writing 15

16 One f the mst helpful mind-bdy strategies fr making change is jurnal writing. Dr. James Pennebake fund that writing abut imprtant persnal experiences in an emtinal way fr little as 15 minutes ver the curse f three days brings abut imprvement in mental and physical health. This finding has been replicated acrss age, gender, culture, scial class and persnality type. Jurnal writing is mre than a chance t vent emtins. Research has shwn that emtinal venting withut cgnitive prcessing has little value. Fr healing t ccur, yu have t begin t tell a different stry abut yurself. Once yu give the experience structure and meaning, the emtinal effects f that experience are mre manageable. A Frgiveness Letter: Write a letter (that yu dn t send) in which yu express yur feelings t the persn yu are frgiving r asking frgiveness frm. Write a New Stry: Write a new narrative abut yurself where yu g frm being a victim t a spiritual warrir n the her s jurney. The stry always ends with yu as a victr: yu have fught yur way t a new understanding f yur life and the ther persn, and thrugh frgiveness, yu have mastered yur emtins, cleansed yurself f pain, and determined that it is yu wh are in cntrl frm nw n! Affirmatins Write a daily affirmatin that states yur decisin t frgive. T create a persnalized affirmatin: Write a psitive statement f an utcme that yu want. Make the statement shrt. It is imprtant t feel strngly abut the statement. 16

17 The statement shuld be in the present tense. Remember t ask fr what yu want dn t ask fr what yu dn t want. Fr example, It is mre pwerful t say I frgive myself fr hurting my husband, than t say I wn t be angry at myself fr hurting my husband. Repetitin is the key t the pwer f affirmatin. Repeat the statement ften, either verbally r in writing. Example Affirmatin: Every day, affirm in writing yur decisin t frgive (e.g., I am letting g f the past and I frgive ). Mindfulness Mnitr the silent cnversatins that g n in yur head. Are yu still replaying the grudge in yur mind? D yu hear yurself having angry, resentful thughts abut the ffender? D yu still hear yurself blaming? Yu can challenge this self-talk by asking yurself, Wuld I rather be right r wuld I rather have peace f mind? When yu find anger and resentment building fcus n yur breath. Ntice the physical sensatin f breathing in and ut, and mentally recite wrds such as peace r lve with each breath. Or yu can take a walk listen t sthing music, remember pleasant memries, and enjy the beauty f nature. Cultivate Gratitude Remember that n matter what happened in the past, yu still have much t be thankful fr. Devte a sectin f yur Frgiveness Jurnal t gratitude. Befre yu g t bed each night, list five things that yu are grateful fr. Yu may even be grateful fr learning t frgive. Remember, the mre yu learn t frgive thers, the easier it becmes t frgive yurself! 17

18 Guided Imagery and Creative Visualizatin Anyne can use their imaginatin t prmte change. With guided imagery and creative visualizatin, yu enter a relaxed state f heightened awareness, and then use yur imaginatin t mve beynd ld patterns and beliefs that are limiting. A frgiveness exercise that utilizes imagery, attempts t activate bth uncnscius and pre-cnscius prcesses t aid in accmplishing the cnscius gal f frgiveness. Althugh everyne has the capacity t imagine, we each may experience guided imagery r creative visualizatin differently. Sme individuals are able t imagine an bject by creating a picture in their mind and then they see clrs and shapes. Others are able t imagine and then describe an bject withut actually seeing clrs r shapes when their eyes are clsed. Bth styles are effective. In rder fr the imagery t be the mst effective it is necessary t have a psitive expectatin abut the exercise. Yu can create yur wn imagery, adapt suggested imagery that thers have created, r use a trained therapist t help yu create a persnal and unique imagery that will effectively reinfrce yur gal f frgiveness. Fllwing are tw shrt and ne lng example f visualizatin exercises. Shrt Visualizatin t Frgive an Offender Sit in a cmfrtable psitin with yur eyes clsed. Take a few deep, cleansing breaths. Relax yur bdy, starting with yur feet and mving up t yur head. Imagine that yu are breathing in and ut thrugh the heart and allw the spaciusness f yur heart t expand. 18

19 Visualize the persn yu have decided t frgive, and bring the image f the ffender int yur heart. Imagine that an energy crd cnnects yu bth. Wish the persn well and then affirm, I am releasing the pain frm the past. And then cut the crd. Shrt Visualizatin fr Self-Frgiveness Sit in a cmfrtable psitin with yur eyes clsed. Take a few deep, cleansing breaths. Relax yur bdy, starting with yur feet and mving up t yur head. Fcus yur mind s that yu cncentrate n the center f yur being. Allw the spaciusness f yur heart t expand. Imagine that yu and the persn that yu are asking frgiveness frm are walking t meet each ther at the center f a bridge f glden light. Ask that persn s Higher Self fr frgiveness, and imagine a lving respnse. Lng Guided Imagery fr Frgiveness Years ag I attended a wrkshp at ECAP (Exceptinal Cancer Patients) funded by Dr. Bernie Segal. This is my memry f a guided imagery that we experienced. It may be helpful t recrd this script r have a friend read it t yu. Take a mment t get cmfrtable. Clse yur eyes. Take a few deep-cleansing breaths. Let yur ut-breath, be a real letting g kind f breath. Begin t watch the inhalatin and exhalatin f yur breath as yu fcus yur entire being n this present mment. 19

20 And nw, begin t relax yur shulders and arms, relax yur stmach and gut. Yu may ntice as yur stmach relaxes, yur breathing becmes even slwer and deeper, the way yu breathe in deep sleep. Relax yur legs. If yu are experiencing any tensin, just let it g. Let yur whle bdy becme deeply relaxed. Cntinue t release and relax any tensin yu may feel anywhere in the bdy. N place t be, but here just keep letting g. Yu are feeling calm and relaxed, calm and relaxed, calm and relaxed. And nw with yur mind s eye, imagine that yu are in a clset. The dr is clsed and the clset is empty. Yu are ging t fill this clset with everything that yu wrked n here this evening. Visualize that in yur hands yu have a blank CD. Yu are ging t recrd the image f the persn that yu are frgiving. Recrd yur memry f the grievance and put the CD n the flr f the clset. Begin t imagine that the clset is filling up with everything that yu intend t let g f. Let yurself see yur anger, yur resentment, and rage. See them manifest in yur clset. Fill the clset with any guilt, with sadness r hurt. Put any feelings f revenge that may still be there, int the clset. N need t hld n t these feelings any lnger. Let all f these feelings fill up in the clset. All f the feelings that have kept yu frm feeling peaceful, yu dn t need t hld nt any lnger. Free yurself. Just keep releasing all f yur txic feelings int the clset. See all that yu re letting g f, building up arund yu in this clset. 20

21 It s beginning t feel uncmfrtable t be surrunded by everything that keeps yu frm feeling gd, keeps yu frm feeling at peace, and keeps yu frm feeling jyful. Yu want t be free f these limitatins and yu are ready t let g. And nw, lk dwn at yur feet and yu will see a magical clud that begins t lift yu gently up and ut f the clset. The clud is safe, it s strng, and it supprts yu. It feels s gd t get ut f this clset. Once yur clud is ut f the clset, get cmfrtable n it. Spread yurself ut n it; relax n it. Dn t be afraid. It hlds yu quite cmfrtably. Feel the gentle upward mtin as the clud lifts yu up higher, ut f the clset, ut f this rm, and up int the beautiful sky abve us. Imagine that it s a sunny day, the sky is blue, and the temperature is just rightjust the way yu like it. Feel yurself drifting n upward until yur clud stps. Lk dwn ver yur clud and see that there is an energy crd that hlds yu t yur clset. That hlds yu t yur past. Nw take a magical scissrs ut f yur pcket and cut that crd that wuld hld yu and keep yu frm being even freer, ging even higher. And nw the crd is cut. Feel yurself lifting n upward higher and higher, until yu cme t a place that feels cmfrtable t stp. Lk arund yu and see the circle f many cluds. Nw peer back ver the edge f yur clud again and lk dwn at all f the clsets that yu ve left behind. See that all the clsets are full nbdy s clset is better than anyne else s. Everyne has hurts, grievances; memries frm the past that we need t let g f. Nw cme back t yur clud. Ntice in the center f the clud a beautiful glden, healing rainbw. Feel the glden light frm the rainbw cming twards yu. Feel the glden energy permeating yur skin, tuching every cell, every muscle, and every bne in yur bdy, penetrating right int the center f yur being. Let it 21

22 mve t that part f yur bdy where yu have carried yur grievance. Feel it begin t heal yu f the any remaining memry r pain frm the past. Let the glden energy permeate that part f yur bdy, as yu let g any tensin that may still be there frm the past. Nw bring the glden energy int yur heart. Let it tear dwn the wall that keeps yu frm lving and being lved. Feel the energy healing all f thse wunds, any hurt, guilt, anger r resentment that remains, leaving yur heart vibrant and new and pen. And nw as yur heart cntinues t expand, allw yur mind with the help f Gd r yur wn Higher Self r Inner Healer, t bring int fcus the memry f the persn yu have chsen t frgive r whm yu are asking frgiveness frm. As yu lk at him r her, allw yurself t see beynd the persnality; see beynd the inner pain that causes us t behave in hurtful ways. Allw yur Higher Self t see even deeper - int the sul. Affirm t this sul that yu are calling yur spirit and yur energy back int the present. Affirm that yu are clsing the dr n this grievance. Affirm that yu frgive him/her (r yur self) fr being limited, fr being flawed. And finally, affirm that yu are ging t let them g, s that yu can mve frward, with freedm, with greater health and vitality, and with peace f mind. And say t yurself: May I have peace f spirit. May I have peace f mind. May there be peace everywhere May there be peace between us. Let the energy f yur healed and pen heart fill yu with lving energy. Allw yurself in this mment t feel the healing pwer f frgiveness. 22

23 Very gently yu begin a very cmfrtable descent back int the rm. As yu gently drift dwn, think abut why yu are here and what yu need t take frm this experience. As yu cntinue t slwly drift dwn, remember that frgiveness is a prcess. It is nt a ne-time event. Create an intentin fr yurself t cntinue t wrk with frgiveness until yu have achieved the health and peace f mind that yu deserve. And nw, begin t feel the things that supprt yu the chair, the flr, Begin t becme aware f yur bdy, and when yu re ready bring yur awareness back int the rm. pen yur eyes. Meditatin/Prayer Asking Gd r a Higher Pwer fr help can supprt yur desire fr frgiveness. A wnderful technique fr pening the heart is the Tibetan custm f Metta. The wrd Metta is frm Pali, the language f the earliest Buddhist texts, and means "lve," "friendliness," r "lving-kindness." Metta Meditatin is a practice in which yu repeat intentins f gd will tward yurself, thers and the wrld at large. Its pwer cmes frm repetitin. The intentins are repeated as phrases t. 1. Yurself 2. A benefactr 23

24 3. A dear friend 4. A neutral persn 5. A difficult persn 6. All living beings Examples f phrases are: May I have an pen heart. May I be free f suffering. May I have peace f mind. May I be healed and whle. Practicing Metta t reinfrce frgiveness: Begin by clsing yur eyes and bringing an image f yurself int yur heart. Nw repeat the fllwing phrases t yurself: May I have an pen heart. May I be free f suffering. May I have peace f mind. May I be healed and whle. 24

25 Then, bring an image f the persn yu are frgiving int yur heart and then repeat the fllwing phrases t yurself: May yu have an pen heart. May yu be free f suffering. May yu have peace f mind. May yu be healed and whle. If this exercise is dne daily it can greatly enhance yur cmmitment t the prcess f frgiveness and can help yu t achieve peace f mind. Since we als extend Metta twards urselves, its use can help us t experience less internal cnflict, and learn t appreciate urselves mre. Chapter VI Frequently Asked Questins Why is frgiveness s hard? Frgiveness may be hard because f such factrs as. type and length f relatinship 25

26 histry f hurtful behavir perceived intentinality f the ffender elapsed time the risk f change bilgical deficits What is the difference between interpersnal frgiveness and intrapersnal frgiveness? When we practice interpersnal frgiveness, the gal is recnciliatin; bth parties must be invlved. It takes ne persn t frgive. It takes tw t be reunited. Lewis Smede Intrapersnal frgiveness takes place nly within the individual. It des nt require the interactin between tw parties, and recnciliatin (althugh it may happen) is nt the gal. Frgiving happens inside the persn wh des it. Lewis Smede Hw can I recncile with my spuse after a betrayal? Frgiveness generally cnsists f three stages, each f which has cgnitive, behaviral, and affective cmpnents. Furthermre, these stages seem t parallel a persn's natural respnse t traumatic stress. We respnd t the initial impact. We attempt t give the event sme kind f meaning. Finally, we begin t mve frward and readjust. Mving frward and readjusting means, we. 26

27 develp a realistic, nndistrted, balanced view f the marital relatinship, are n lnger cntrlled by negative feelings tward ur partner, have a lessened desire t punish ur spuse. We can frgive a persn wh never says he is srry. We cannt be truly reunited unless he is hnestly srry. Lewis Smedes If I practiced frgiveness, wuld I be healthier? It s very likely that yu wuld. Bearing a grudge and refusing t frgive can cause chrnic stress t the bdy as well as the mind. Our capacity t make peace with anther persn and with the wrld depends very much n ur capacity t make peace with urselves. Thich Nhat Hanh Lack f frgiveness can create an avalanche f stress hrmnes and impact us in ther imprtant ways. It increases prductin f crtisl and epinephrine, which leads t changes in heart rate and bld pressure. It raises levels f catechlamine and CD8, which suppresses the immune system thus increasing the risk f viral infectin. Leads t the release f histamines, which can trigger severe brnc-cnstrictin in peple with asthma. Alters insulin levels. 27

28 Alters the acid cncentratin in the stmach. Causes plaque buildup in the arteries. Causes r intensifies aches and pains. Raises anxiety levels. Causes depressin. Interferes with intimate and scial relatinships. Affects sleep and appetite. Affects jb perfrmance. What are the bilgical factrs in frgiveness? Brain imaging technlgy has shwn that an unhealthy anterir cingulate gyrus and basal ganglia can cause prblems in shifting attentin wrrying, ruminatin hlding n t hurts frm past inability t relinquish grudges cgnitive inflexibility cnflict avidance These prblems can greatly reduce an individual s ability t frgive. Als, researchers have assciated the tempral lbes and the deep limbic system with spiritual behavir and spiritual experiences. These parts f the brain can affect persnality and md stability accurate reading f scial situatins cntrl ver temper access t spiritual experience psitive md and emtinal tne 28

29 These factrs can make it easier fr an individual t frgive. Are there psychlgical factrs that influence the ability t frgive? Nt surprisingly, peple wh are inclined t frgive tend t be mre emtinally stable; they are easy- ging, less mdy, mre agreeable, and better able t handle negative emtins and criticism. Peple wh are inclined t frgive have a high capacity fr empathy, whereas a narcissist is least likely t be able t frgive. Narcissism is present in everyne t varying degrees. A certain degree f selffcus and self-regard is healthy. But a truly narcissistic individual smene with a persnality disrder -- lacks empathy, is hypersensitive t criticism, has a sense f entitlement, and is insensitive t the needs f thers. These are the individuals wh, when they experience an injury, use vengeful fantasies in rder t repair their self-esteem. What are the areas that have been researched in the field f frgiveness? Incest Rape Betrayal Parental Neglect Marital betrayal AIDS in cntext f relatinships and in sciety 6th graders and anger PTS after criminal assault Adjustment t physical disability 29

30 War Traumas Gencide in Rwanda Campaign fr Frgiveness (Desmnd Tutu in Suth Africa ) War refugees living in Chicag Nrthern Ireland Overcming trauma frm military service in Vietnam The bdy f research n frgiveness cntinues t grw. The results demnstrate that anyne can be taught frgiveness. But, the mre heinus the crime, the greater the wrk is required t truly cme t peace with the past The weak can never frgive. Frgiveness is the attribute f the strng. If we practice an eye fr an eye and a tth fr a tth, sn the whle wrld will be blind and tthless Mahatma Gandhi CHAPTER VII MOVING FORWARD Hlding Ont Frgiveness Hlding nt frgiveness is an n-ging prcess. Dr. Everett Wrthingtn, Jr., states that When yu frgive yu eventually dubt that yu have frgiven. When peple remember a previus injury r ffense, they ften interpret it as evidence that they must have nt frgiven. If yu make yur 30

31 frgiveness tangible, yu are less likely t dubt it later. Tell a friend, a partner, r a cunselr that yu have frgiven the persn wh hurt yu. Write a certificate f frgiveness, stating that yu have, as f tday, frgiven. When yu have dubts abut whether yu have frgiven, refer t yur certificate f frgiveness, and tell yurself that a painful memry des nt disqualify the hard wrk f frgiveness that yu have dne. Instead f trying t stp thughts f unfrgiveness, think psitively abut the frgiveness that yu have experienced. 31