The Withdrawal Factor- Triggers Which Make Men Withdraw

Transcription

1 The Withdrawal Factor- Triggers Which Make Men Withdraw

2 To many women, one of worst possible things that a man can do, from a relationship standpoint, is the act of giving them the cold shoulder. A cold shoulder response from a man, is basically a woman s worst nightmare being written straight from a horror story itself, because it basically appears to shut down ALL of a woman s ability to do ANYTHING about that reality. Ultimately, what it means, is that many women find themselves utterly powerless in the face of a man giving them the cold shoulder, to such an extent that they often times freak out, or break down under the pressure of trying to figure out what is going wrong, with little to NO communication from their man either, about that reality. It means that the MAIN function which you need to understand your man, the situation, and relationship, is now completely shut down. What function is that? The function of communication. It means that you don t know what s going on, and THAT idea alone, is one of the freakiest things that a woman ever has to encounter when in a relationship, and many women ultimately feel paralyzed and even tortured, therefore when a man starts to shut down any communication, by withdrawing completely. What the Withdrawal Factor will therefore teach you, is this: You will learn the ins and outs of why it is that men withdraw, what to do about that, and how to therefore prevent it in the future. Learning this, means that you will no longer feel powerless, paralyzed or completely shut off from your man and the situation, anymore, after this. In fact, learning how to utilize the Withdrawal Factor in your favor, can

3 actually help you to completely break through any cold shoulder treatment that your man may be giving you currently, or may possibly attempt to project onto you in the future. So pay very close attention, therefore, to the information which you are about to learn, because it will be the difference between a man who communicates, and is open with you, and a man who completely shuts himself off from you, in your relationship future. So what exactly is the Withdrawal Factor? The Withdrawal Factor is basically a guideline into the male mind, that shows you exactly what is going on, when a man starts to pull away, and thus, also shows you therein what to do about that reality, to quickly bring a man back to you. The first thing, therefore that you must learn about the reality of men withdrawing is this: Rule #1: Men never withdraw for no reason, at all. They always have a justified reason to do this. So what kinds of reasons could be floating around that make a man feel justified in pulling away? Well, although it might seem like there could be a billion reasons for a man suddenly deciding to give you the cold shoulder, you might be surprised to learn that there are actually only TWO reasons. Yes, you heard that correctly, there are just two simple reasons why a man withdraws in a relationship. They are as follows: Withdrawal Reason #1: He is dealing with something INTRApersonal, that does not pertain back to the relationship. Intra-personal, in this case, means that your man is dealing with something INSIDE of himself, hence the term intra -personal, because it s

4 within himself. It is therefore not a problem that is related to you, and this very same problem, has NOTHING to do with your relationship either. What do I mean by that? Well, imagine for example, that one day you are having stomach cramps. Your throat is sore. You feel groggy, and your head is spinning. You just want to lay in bed, and get some rest. You can barely even give your man any attention or time at this stage, because you are just so sick and tired. Should your man, under this circumstance, come in and blame himself for that reality? Is that something that he caused, personally? The simple answer, is that no, he didn t cause you to feel sick like that. It s nothing personal against him, and it s nothing that he did personally either, to cause this reality. Thus, this withdrawal reason is a lot like that example. Sometimes a thing will happen internally or externally to your man, wherein he will want to take some personal time or space, to either manage it, solve it, or to heal. In this instance, it has NOTHING to do with you. You are not at fault for this, and you have done nothing wrong to cause it. But, due to the nature of how that personal thing affects your man, he still does have to withdraw or take space to handle it. Now in this instance, a lot of women will want to come in and baby or mother their men, and feel sorry for them. A lot of women therefore, want to come in and help their men out of the problem, and I will explain why this only causes a man to withdraw for a second reason, in just a bit, but know for now that trying to help your man out of a personal problem, in the way that you feel is right, almost always causes MORE problems and MORE withdrawal from your man. This, therefore leads me to my next point:

5 Withdrawal Reason #2: He s dealing with something EXTRApersonal, that pertains back to the relationship. What does extra-personal mean exactly? Well, extra-personal refers to a man s relationship with something outside of himself. So in essence, extrapersonal in this case, means YOU. It means that he is dealing with something that you are causing. Now it may sound childish for a man to deal with a potential problem that you are causing for him, or in the relationship, by withdrawing, but there is actually a very sound reason why a man would want to withdraw. You see, a man can either fight something, or he can run away from it. But he can never do both. Thus, there is always an intense choice going on within a man, to choose between whether or not he wants to fight that thing. But here s the kicker most men don t want to fight something. Fighting something takes emotionally energy, and pulls away from their strength, because now they are investing HEAVILY into something that they found to be problematic in the first place. This is why men almost always choose the flight response. What is the flight response? Well, there is something known as the fight or flight response. This response follows a simple model, that suggests that when we are facing adversity, adrenaline kicks in, to either make us want to stay, and fight it, or to want to run away, and avoid it. Now I want you to know something very simple, and I want you to learn it rather quickly as well, in all of this. What is that simple thing?

6 It s the fact that men will almost ALWAYS take the easy route, when given a choice between something hard, or something easy, in a relationship. This means that if a man feels like he is having an extra-personal problem, he will take the easiest route to dealing with that problem. But here is where things get tricky, because there is a secret about men that many women don t actually realize or know. What secret is that? It s the Emotional Avoidance Secret. The Emotional Avoidance Secret is a reality that every single man is stuck in, when it comes to how men handle a woman s emotions, especially if her emotions are negatively projected. You see, when it comes to emotions, men are on a whole other playing field, than women are on. This is even true, when a man is dealing with his own emotions, and is especially true when he has to account for the emotions of another person, especially in a relationship. Emotions to you, as a woman, are typically seen as the good guys. You use them to share, communicate, and understand the world around you, and you especially use them when you approach your relationship, to gauge how you should react, or act therein. So for example, if you are feeling sad, in your relationship, you will use that feeling, to gauge how you should react. So you might express to your man what is making you sad, therefore, and thus you have shared that emotion, to communicate to your man, something that you d like him to understand.

7 Thus, as a woman, you feel good, communicating, sharing, and understanding through your emotions. Men, however, DO NOT, feel that way. In fact, if anything, they feel horrible trying to communicate and understand based on their emotions alone. Why is that? Well, it s all in the mental programming of a man. What mental programming is that? Well men are designed to be creatures of logic. Not only this, but men are actually pegged into this reality from an early age, as they are taught, from birth not to be TOO emotional. Now this may offend you, but it s the unfortunate reality of society: men are taught that being emotional, means that they are acting in a way that is unmanly, and thus is more feminine. Men are told to leave that reality up to women, and to let women have all the fun therein. They are therefore, told to bottle up their emotions, and to manage them in a completely different way, than women do. This does not mean, however, that men aren t allowed to feel at all. Men are allowed to feel, but the spectrum of emotions that they are allowed to openly express is rather limited, and a man must often hold in the BULK of his emotions, only revealing slight tidbits of them, one little piece at a time, so as to not appear to be too emotional or irrational. You see, if a man were to become this huge cry baby, out of nowhere, balling his face off, because something upset him, would people really take him seriously? People might feel sorry for him, but most people, including women, would think he was pathetic.

8 This is why men strategically bottle up their emotions, and only release little tidbits, so as to not lower the level of respect that others may be able to show them. Men do this, so as to uphold a certain image that they have of themselves, which makes them feel validated as a man. Men therefore learn to value respect, on an extremely high scale, so much so, that they would even choose respect over love, because respect at least ensures that their integrity is intact, and that they are not being seen as pathetic, emotionally. Love, however, doesn t 100% guarantee that reality for a man, so he could disregard love, therefore, but could never disregard the respect angle. So why am I saying all of this, and what does all of this have to do with the fact that men withdraw? Well, it has everything to do with the fact that men withdraw, and it completely encompasses the two withdrawal reasons I gave you earlier, to such an extent that it actually AFFECTS both of those realities in a HEAVY way. You see, the Emotional Avoidance Secret actually causes men to withdraw, if and when they feel pressured, emotionally, either internally or externally. As noted, men are on a completely different playing field when it comes to emotions. They are taught to not release their emotions heavily. This means that all of the emotions must sit inside, almost like a volcano, building up, and building up, until finally they erupt. But as you have just learned, men don t erupt like women do. When a man emotionally erupts, do you know what he does? He withdraws, and turns inward, thus projecting that internally.

9 A woman however, would seek companionship, and turns outward, therefore projecting externally. The best example to describe this phenomenon, is when you feel bad, because if you feel bad, you most likely want somebody to come hold you, and comfort you, whereas if man feels bad, he wants people to leave him alone, and he doesn t want to be touched even. Why do men respond like that, instead of seeking comfort externally? Well it all comes back to what I ve been saying so far. Men simply have a lower emotional threshold. What does that mean? Well, it means that men ultimately, pull away from anything that they feel triggered by. Why do men do that? Men have to do this, because again, they aren t exactly allowed to release their emotions normally like women can. Men are seen as being weak, if they do this, and secondly many men HATE doing this, because they prefer a logical approach. Logic in this case, means that a man doesn t let his emotions dictate the outcome, or his reaction to something. So the only thing a man can do then, if something is triggering him emotionally, is to step away from it. This is why men often step away from things when they feel emotionally triggered, in an attempt to remove the ability of the trigger itself, to affect them.

10 Now as I mentioned earlier, there are two triggers that cause men to pull away, emotionally, and thus physically. One of those triggers, is when a man is dealing with a personal issue, that he is trying to resolve. As noted, this is a problem outside of you. Some examples of such problems include, but are not limited to times when a man: Is having a work related problem, that is stressing him out, is demanding a lot of him, or is challenging to solve. Is having a personal problem, such as trying to work through one of his own personality flaws, or thought patterns that he finds is getting in his way of trying to function. Is having financial problems, and therefore is trying to work on figuring out a solution, so that he doesn t always feel taxed with a financial burden. Is not feeling good enough as a man, because perhaps he isn t able to provide everything for his family, or his life that he wants to be able to. Etc Basically what these examples of personal withdrawal point to and mean is this: if there I something that he doesn t have a solution to, the thought of that problem will loom in a man s mind, until he figures out a way to even remotely begin working on solving that problem. You see men absolutely hate being stuck in a problem, where they either feel, helpless, powerless, or lost. They in the very least, need to feel like at least SOMETHING is being done about that problem, or as though something CAN be done to solve the problem.

11 But as you know in life, everything is not always clear, and not every problem is simply black and white. Sometimes an immediate solution or remedy is difficult to figure out, or find. This is why men sometimes withdraw or take space, in that moment, from you in a relationship. Again, in this has nothing to do with you at this stage, but it s something that you need to know, and be aware of, because it does affect you, and involves you none the less. In these instances, you ll notice that a man withdraws without really telling you why. There is no real rhyme or reason to it either. That s how you can tell when a man is withdrawing for an intra-personal reason. You can tell again, because your man almost always will offer you none of the following: No verbal discussion occurs as to the fact that this is going to happen. No clear communication occurs that even remotely tells you or directly explains the fact that he is even struggling intensely internally. (You basically won t know this, in other words, until he either pulls away, or tells you AFTER the fact.) No physical signs appear that suggest he was in fact struggling, except to see him pull away very strongly, out of nowhere. He s becomes a lot more inside of his head, than usual. He begins talking less, and starts giving you one word answers. He fails to engage in anything you say, and it s as if he cannot listen to anything you are saying anymore.

12 He even struggles to understand what your point is, anymore, and wants you to get to the point more quickly now, even when you are trying to do that, he still can t seem to grasp the importance of what you say now. He retracts into an intense zone and need for personal space, far more than usual. If you touch him or go near him, he gets snarky or annoyed. He becomes irritated easily, and becomes impatient with you, but never explains why, even if you ask him if it s something you ve done wrong. The things which your man used to be OK with, now start to annoy him. When you try to get answers, he gets mad at you, and even pushes you away harder, to the point of even demanding to be left alone, and arguing with you over the smallest of things. He only engages in one thing at a time now, which means that you are most likely ignored and avoided. You find him avoiding having to explain to you why it is that he is pulling away, or you find him unable to do that, no matter how hard you push for an answer. When you ask him if it is something that you did or said, he can t seem to clarify, or if he does, he only tells you that it s nothing that you did, but still fails to tell you what it is then, that is bothering him so much. You find him struggling to laugh, or exhibit any strongly positive emotions, no matter how much effort you put into it, and you even

13 notice that the things which normally soothed him, he now suddenly is annoyed with. So the main theme here, when it comes to a man s intra-personal withdrawal periods, is that: A) A man will avoid explaining the behaviour, reasoning, or purpose behind it. B) A man will grow irrationally irritated, even with the things that normally soothed, comforted, or helped him. C) A man will have more and more internal dialogue, and less and less external communication, even when you try to push for answers. Now, in these moments, the reason why a man withdraws when he is dealing with intra-personal problems, is because, as I noted earlier, he s trying to problem solve. You see, when a man encounters an intra-personal problem, the idea of that problem will rattle around in his head, and it will drive him almost mental, as he tries to look for a solution. Emotional pressure will build up, as he further tries to work through the problem. The reason, therefore, why a man withdraws in these moments, is because he can ONLY handle one thing at a time at this stage. This is why he pulls away from you in the relationship, at this point, because he cannot handle this intense internal battle that is going, AND your emotional needs, wants, and projections at the same time. What makes matters worse, is that this behaviour often freaks women out, so they try to push the guy for answers, or reasoning, as they suddenly find him acting extremely strange, and cold. In that moment, however, a man will only feel pushed even more to withdraw further, as he will then start to feel an internal push, AND an external push, and the pressure he feels from all angles, again, causes him to try to take down the trigger.

14 In this case, a man cannot take away the internal trigger. The intrapersonal problem still has not been resolved. He is TRYING to work on it. He is trying to fix it, and he is trying really hard to get rid of the problem. So that s not something that he can remove right now, pressure wise. But, what he CAN remove, is the external pressure, that is coming from the relationship, and from you. This is why a guy gets irritated, and turns on you even, the more you try to help him out of it, or the more you try to get him to explain what s going on as he withdraws. What happens in that moment, is that YOU become the trigger, and you become a level of pressure that he feels he can at least control or limit. So he ultimately limits YOU from being able to reach him on a deeper level so that he doesn t feel like he has everything piling in on him, emotionally at once. Now this is not something that you, as a woman, should take personally. Quite the opposite actually, because it doesn t mean that a man hates you, dislikes you, or doesn t appreciate the fact that you simply just want to know what s going on. It just means that your man actually only needs one simple thing from you, that you are either forgetting to give him, don t know you should be giving him, or need to be giving him. What simple thing is that? He needs some room to breathe. He needs some elbow room so to speak. What exactly is elbow room? Elbow room is a level of personal space, that a man needs, in a relationship, when he is dealing with an intra-personal problem. Elbow room, means that you give him the room to actually work his way through the problem, without encroaching too closely into his personal space, and

15 without emotionally invading that very same space, that your man needs in that moment. So the solution, and the key here, when your man is experiencing an intrapersonal problem, is to not overwhelm him emotionally, or physically. You must therefore, respect the intense boundaries that your man is putting up, even if they seem extremely unreasonable, and even if he hasn t explained them just yet. Why must you do this? Well, again, he can only handle ONE thing at a time at this stage, and the intra-personal problem will always take precedence over EVERY OTHER THING, in his life, when he is dealing with that thing. I know it may sound selfish that a man would prioritize an intra-personal problem above any other problem, or concern he should be dealing with, but to help give you some perspective, I want you to imagine that you have an extremely bad foot pain going on. I want you to imagine that this foot pain is so excruciatingly bad, that you can t even get up and walk, or move. Even just slightly moving your leg, without putting pressure on it, sends spikes of pain throughout your entire leg. Now imagine that your man starts coming to you, demanding that you must walk, because he needs you to get up and do something for him. But you know that if you even just remotely move your leg, that it will hurt beyond reason, yet your man keeps on pushing you to just get up and stand on it, and walk already. What do you think is going to happen then? Are you going to listen to him?

16 OR are you going to want to tell him to buzz off, and leave you alone? Well in that instance, you are probably going to want to tell your man to buzz off. Why? Well, the main reason, is because you are having a problem, that you can t immediately resolve, and he s coming in telling you to fix that, by doing the very thing that you know would hurt the most in that moment. That s the same problem that men have going on, when they are dealing with an intra-personal problem. Many women want to come in and mother their men to death, and smother them, when they realize that a man is having a personal problem. They want their men to talk ALL of it out, extensively, and to be open about it, but that reality to a man, is exactly like asking him to stand on his foot, when it s only going to hurt more. In a moment when a man is dealing with an intra-personal problem, talking about it and explaining it externally, is a lot like standing on a foot that just wants to ache more. Now I know this sounds strange, and many women would just love for their men to just spit it out, and be open about it, and get it off their chest, but the men who do this, realize rather quickly that it doesn t solve their problem. You see, men don t feel good talking about their problems, especially intrapersonal problems. This is why they almost exclusively NEVER explain what is going on to you, never tell you what is wrong, and never even try to hint that something is wrong either. This is why a lot of women often start to blame themselves during this moment, because the man is not communicating that his reason for withdrawal is actually not her fault, but she has NOTHING to go off of, except his behaviour, so it s hard for a woman not to blame herself in that moment.

17 But let me make something clear for you, right now when it comes to this reality. Men don t do that, to hurt you, and they definitely don t do that to make you feel like you should be blaming yourself either. They do it, to actually avoid feeling worse, and to avoid taking that feeling out on you. They pull away not only for themselves, but for YOUR sake too. They know that if they start to tell you about what is wrong, that you will come in, wanting to offer your advice, ideas for solutions, and more But the thing is, men don t want that from you. I know that sounds rude, but this is why men avoid telling you what is wrong to begin with. They don t want your solution. They don t want you to come in and solve it for them. Why is that? Well that takes away from their ability to be a man in the first place. You see, men feel manly, when they problem solve, and when they fix things on their own. They don t feel like a man, when a woman comes in, and tries to fix everything for him. This is true, because the base of a man s core, is one that has him leading, providing, and guiding in his lifetime, on a very intense scale. That is the core makeup of a man. Thus, part of the sub-core makeup is problem solving, and logical reasoning. A man has to be able to problem solve, and use logical reasoning to be able to be a leader, and a provider. Thus, it s ingrained deeply in a man s core, to actually feel validated when he solves a problem. It makes a man feel powerful. It makes him feel in control. It makes him feel like a man, ultimately.

18 This is why men get EXTREMELY irritated with a woman, when she starts to come in with the 200 Questions game, wherein she starts asking him tons and tons of questions as to what it could possibly be, or she starts to ask tons and tons of questions as to what the solution could be. A man doesn t want that from his woman. What he wants, instead, is for her to respect his boundaries and his elbow room. He wants her to recognize that this is something he needs to do himself, but he can t do it if she s breathing down his neck every step of the way, and nagging in his ear, every other moment about it too. Now I know that this kind of emotionally COLD behaviour drives you mental, as a woman! I know. Men even know this too, but in this moment, a man CANNOT help it. He is not thinking EMOTIONALLY in this moment, but rather has closed off his emotional logic, and has turned on his rational logic, to an intense scale. This means that he will brush off any intensely emotional reality, in this moment, rather rapidly, and very coldly. It means that he doesn t have the time, patience, or even understanding in this moment, for anything emotional. This is why men get irritated, or grow irritated during this stage, of intra-personal problem solving. Men grow irritated, again, because they have completely shut down their emotionally logical brain. Why do men do that, when they are experiencing an intra-personal problem? They do it, because their emotions are already too intense to handle, and again, because their emotional threshold is extremely low, in the first place. What you could handle emotionally, a man would practically die, internally, trying to deal with. So just remember that, just because you can

19 emotionally handle something, and just because you value sharing things, emotionally, it doesn t mean that a man does, at all times, and a man especially doesn t find that reality useful when he has a personal problem going on, internally. So what happens at this moment, is now you are aware of the fact that your man is going through some pretty intense things, that have nothing to do with you or the relationship, and that he needs to resolve on his own, privately. But that means, that it completely conflicts with, and contradicts with everything you know, need, and desire as a woman, especially from a relationship standpoint. What do I mean by that? Well as I mentioned earlier, as a woman, you understand your world, by communicating through your emotions, and even just by communicating how you feel in general. If a man suddenly cuts off communication, it means that you are left in the dark, as you struggle to figure out what it is that is going wrong, and you ultimately might end up blaming yourself as you look for the answer to his sudden coldness. What this means, is that there will be a conflict, as you try to find balance in your own world, because now your man will have effectively pulled the rug right out from underneath you, without any sort of rhyme or reason. Naturally as a woman, you are going to want to push back on your man, to find a level of comfort and understanding again. But what I want you learn however, in this moment, is that you CANNOT do that. Now I know it will be hard for you not to. It will feel confusing, lonely, and difficult at best, but there s a reason why I am telling you, that

20 you cannot push back on your man in this moment, even though you will feel a strong motivation to want to do that. Why shouldn t you push back on your man, if he does that to you? Well, the first reason, is as I noted, because your man can only deal with one thing at a time, and he will ALWAYS chose the internal problem to deal with, before he chooses an external problem. So if you push back, he will pull away harder, based on that reason alone. Again, remember that you cannot ask him to stand on a leg, and to run with a leg, that is already hurting a ton, in the first place. But there s another reason why you should not push back on your man, as well. What reason is that? You see, the MORE you push back on him, and the LONGER you push back on him, the MORE time it will take for him to solve the problem internally, and the LONGER it will take, for him to fix that problem. It ultimately means, that your man will be avoiding you longer that you can bear. It means that he will be ignoring you, getting irritated with you, refusing to communicate or explain himself, and worse for an even LONGER period of time. Obviously, due to how difficult this period is, for the BOTH of you, you are going to want to HELP him reduce the amount of time that he needs to be stuck in that kind of a zone in the first place. The key here, therefore, is to help your man reduce the amount of time that he actually has to spend, solving an intra-personal problem, so that he can get back to opening up to you again, sharing with you again, and loving you again the way that you want.

21 I cannot stress enough, once again, how important it is to remember the fact that your man will always have an inter-personal problem at the top level of his priorities, when one does arise, and that the better you become at helping him out during that moment, the faster this very same problem can go away. The longer you take to help him, and the more you try to fight him, to explain himself, give you answers, or change his behaviour the more time he ultimately has to spend resisting you, instead of actually just concentrating on fixing the REAL problem, so that he can return to prioritizing the right things again. Remember as well, that intra-personal problems ARE important to him, even if you don t think they are a big deal, or even if you think they shouldn t be bothering your man as much as they do, you must NEVER tell your man, that you think this. That is basically like disrespecting your man, for that very same ache in his leg, and is like making fun of him for having a pain in his leg. He didn t ask for that pain. Just remember that. But it s there, and it bothers him, and he is trying to fix it. He can t always help the things that bother him, and he can t always help the intra-personal problems that he ultimately sometimes has to face. Sometimes those problems arise because of his core makeup as a man, and he has to stop and deal with them, to feel like a man, or to feel whole again. Thus, you must never make fun of that, and must never belittle that reality. If it s important enough for your man to quite literally stop all other enjoyments in his life, just to deal with it, it s deserving of your respect, and should be taken seriously. Now having said all of this, there are 3 simple things that you must do, in the moment that your man is having an intra-personal problem. You must do these three things again, because you want to help your man OUT of it, and don t want to push him further INTO it.

22 Doing this, is the difference between having your man get more and more distant and irritated with you, as he refuses to explain any of it, and having your man instead, take some space only to come back to you with an intense level of appreciation, admiration and love again, after. So what are those 3 things that you must do, when a man is dealing with an intra-personal problem? There are 3 stages that you must follow, when you react to a man in this situation, and they are as follows: Stage #1: Don t take it personally. This is basically like a peace offering. You don t add fuel to an already intense fire by coming in and blaming yourself, or blaming him either. You just recognize that this is something that you didn t cause, nor did he. It just happened, and you recognize the fact that nobody is directly to blame for this, at this time. You didn t say or do anything to cause it. In fact, you ve been great, but this thing is outside of you, and he still does need some time to really manage it and deal with it. Again, that s nothing against you, he just needs to take that space to deal with it himself, though, to feel justified as a man. This means that you do not start asking him, if it was something you said, or did, that caused him to withdraw. This means, instead, that you simple accept that it s really got nothing to do with you, and therefore detach from any idea that it might somehow be your fault. The problem with taking it personally, is that you either end up blaming yourself, or you blame your man. ALL blame must be removed from the picture if you actually want to help support your man during the times when he is dealing with an intra-personal problem. The last thing that your man wants in this moment, is for you to start blaming yourself, and for him to have another emotional burden on his plate. He also doesn t need you to come in and blame him for doing something that he felt he had to do, to fix something that was eating him up inside.

23 No man wants to be blamed for being a man, or behaving like a man, nor do they want to have to face a firestorm of guilt, when they are already emotionally taxed. Thus, it s extremely important not to take it personally, and to emotionally withdraw from the idea that you or your man have done something wrong, or that somebody should be at fault for something. Again the behaviour your man is exhibiting in this moment is not designed to make you feel guilty, and it is not actually designed to punish you. It feels that way, but the behaviour is there to help your man quickly concentrate on the root problem, so that he can resolve it, and solve it as fast as possible The behaviour therefore, is there, to cause good to come out of the bad. Remember that it s not a bad thing, in this case then, so that you don t cause unnecessary blame. Stage #2: Give your man his elbow room. This means that you must back away, emotionally, and physically. What do I mean by that? I mean that you quite literally take space, and give him room. You don t come to your man in this moment, with any needs, requests, or desires, from your end. You actually back away, and withdraw as well, but you only withdraw from projecting any of your personal needs onto him at this time. Again, he can only handle, manage, and problem solve ONE thing in this moment, because he has tuned up his logical side. His logical side, when it is tuned up, has no patience or ability to handle emotional reasoning in that moment, so he really is helpless, and cannot help you in that moment to give you what you want on a personal level.

24 Don t think that he doesn t want to do that, again, as you know with step #1. You shouldn t take this personally. It s not that he doesn t want to do it, it s just that he cannot. Again, remember that you don t want to come in, asking him to stand on a leg that he just can t even barely move in the first place. Don t come in asking him to walk on it, and run on it, or carry you on his back either, using that same leg. He just can t. It doesn t matter how badly he could want to in that moment either, because until or unless his intra-personal problem is resolved, he won t be able to move, for you, like you need him to. So the key here, in this step is to take it easy on him, and to try to manage some of your needs, personally, on your own during this timeframe. To make it easier to handle and manage, motivate yourself to do this, by reminding yourself from time to time that your man is doing his best, but that he needs some time to solve his problem, before he can come back and help you again. Remind yourself, as well, that this isn t personal, and that normally he does try to help you with your problems. I know that sometimes when a man withdraws, a woman can ultimately end up feeling so hurt by that behaviour alone, that the result is she feels extremely needy after this. To help curb a potential bout of neediness, when you find your man pulling away for an intra-personal reason, you must remember to remind yourself, and to motivate yourself NOT to project that neediness onto your man. He will be more than happy to deal with your needs, after he has finished resolving his internal conflict, but until that moment, again he is rendered incapable, so back away, give him his elbow room. Doing this shows your man that you can offer him a level of respect, when his is the most vulnerable, and when he needs it the most. That respect is

25 shown in your emotional maturity, as you give him a reasonable amount of space to actually work on his problems, and he will feel extremely appreciative of this reality. A lot of women, unfortunately, don t actually do this step, and avoid it. As noted, many women will feel a very strong and intense pull, when a man withdraws for an intra-personal reason, and they will, as a result, begin pushing back hard, to prevent him from leaving them. That kind of behaviour makes a man feel completely misunderstood, and all alone, when he actually just needs you to understand that he just needs some time, and some elbow room. He needs you to understand and get that it s not your fault either. He simply needs you to respect the fact that he has personal problems too, and that sometimes he needs the room to handle them and deal with them, and that this is something he must do as a man, to find purpose, and feel value therein. Respecting this reality, ultimately, helps a man to feel extremely connected to you, and it also helps a man to see you as a high quality woman, because not many women are actually capable of stepping back, when they feel a man pulling away. But remember, pulling away, is not the same thing, as SLIPPING away. He s not leaving YOU, he s just leaving the immediate external reality, to deal with something internal. Remember that he hasn t gone anywhere, he s still there, and he will come back when you finally give him the room to do that. Stage #3: Offer him comfort, in knowing that you are still there to support him, should he actually need external help. As woman, who cares for your man, you are going to want to come in, swoop in, and mother your man, in the moments when you find out, notice, or realize that he s dealing with an internal problem.

26 You will feel bad for him. You will want to comfort him. You will want to help him out of it. All kinds of nurturing ideas and feelings will flood through your veins. You are going to have to mostly ignore that reality, unfortunately, when a man is dealing with an intra-personal problem. Why is that? Well, again, your man needs you to respect the fact that he must resolve this internal conflict, and deal with it on his own. Again, that s nothing against you, and your problem solving abilities, but a man feels like you are emasculating him, when you come in, trying to do everything for him, on his behalf. He needs to feel like he is adequate, and like he can bring value. He needs to feel like he is capable, like he is useful, and like he has power, as a man. That s what makes him a man in the first place, is all of those feelings being validated. It s when those feelings are validated, that a man can feel as if he truly is a real man in the first place. It s not just about him physically being a man, therefore, but is also about him internally feeling like a man. That s why it s important again, to respect his need and ability to problem solve, and to not step on his toes as he tries to do that. This means that even though you want to come in and smother him, mother him, and comfort him to death, as you try to lovingly help him in a nurturing way, that you should AVOID doing this, until after. You can reward him all you want, like, and desire to your heart s content, once your man has resolved his intra-personal problem, but he will find it

27 extremely annoying, and actually distracting, and even rude, if you try to do this, while he is in the middle of trying to resolve an internal conflict. Again, help him validate his male ego, the right way, when he is vulnerable like this, by giving him the room, and respect, to resolve the problem on his own. The reason you must do this, is because otherwise it feels like you are trying to FORCE your helping hand on him. Again, you never asked him if he wanted it. You never even offered it. You just came in, like a bull in a china shop, and plowed your way into his problem, without even first considering what it was that he actually wanted. That s just like a mother who keeps on pushing food on her kids, even after they have eaten a second helping, and are clearly full. But the mother is sitting there, still saying no, please have more! I don t want you to feel hungry later!. Meanwhile the kids are growing agitated, as they realize that their mother doesn t get that they actually were full to begin with, and they realize that she just doesn t care either way. She just wants to feel validated herself, in being a mother but at the expense of her kids emotions, and feelings. So you don t want to be like that. You don t want to be the mom in your relationship with a man. He doesn t want a mother. He already has one. Your job, therefore, is to not come in, trying to force feed your man, your help, comfort, and support. He knows it is there already. He knows you are capable. In withdrawing, he is not trying to cause you to doubt your ability to do that either, but is just asking for you to respect his ability to do that for himself, instead.

28 Now this doesn t mean that you cannot OFFER a helping hand, or support. It just means that you cannot force it, and cannot dump that nurturing level of concern on your man. You must only ever OFFER it at this stage, and must let your man know that it s there, but must not try to force it upon him. So how do you show your man, that you want to offer him a level of support, comfort, and even help, should he desire it? You REMIND him, that it s available, and leave it at that. How do you remind a man that your help, support, and comfort are available? You simply state this: I just want you to know, that I am here if you need me. I am just going to give you some space right now, to let you work through everything, but know that I am here none the less. You see, you must actually CLEARLY indicate to your man, WHY it is that you are taking space. In stage 2, I told you that you must give him some elbow room, but the finalization of all the steps, is where you actually verbally communicate to your man, WHY it is that you are going to do that. Verbally communicating this to your man, lets him know the following: A) That you respect this boundaries and needs, and understand him. B) That you are not punishing him with the space, but rather are trying to help him, thus he doesn t have to feel like you are just mad at him, but rather will understand that you actually care, and are just concerned. And

29 C) That you are there, should he actually need your input, advice, comfort or more. It s basically a comforting factor, that helps him to feel at ease now, in taking the time to solve his problem, without having to worry about whether or not you will actually help him do that. If you do not verbally communicate this to your man, once again, he will NOT get the message that you are actually doing this for HIS benefit. He will instead assume that you are only withdrawing for your own benefit. Remember that men are NOT mind readers. He will not just magically get the message of why you are withdrawing, if you don t actually let him know. You must also be careful, in explaining your reason for withdrawing, so that you don t blame him for his actions, and so that you also don t go on and on in your explanation. Make it short and sweet, so that he knows you aren t going to emotionally burden him, and instead gets the message that you simply are giving him a respectful level of elbow room. Doing this, again is the difference between a man who further becomes irritated with you, and a man who actually appreciates you. Now, once you have done this, your man will be able to come out of his problem solving stage a LOT faster, because you would have effectively gotten off his back, and would have given him the room to completely concentrate on it, so that it s effectively resolved. It s important to note, however, that this doesn t mean that your man will fix every problem within the next 5 minutes, after you have followed the 3 stages detailing how to handle a man s intra-personal withdrawal.

30 You must be patient after this. What you need to know about this, is that when the problem is resolved, your man will come back to you, and will tell you what was going on. It means that you don t actually have to pressure him for explanations or answers, because he will actually answer you, once he has resolved the problem. I know that it can be annoying to wait for an answer or explanation, but this is why you must again, learn to not take it personally either. He will be more than willing to explain everything, after the fact. Why do men wait until after the fact to explain things? Well they don t feel comfortable talking about something that they feel is intense, internally, until after they have resolved it. Once they have resolved it, they become comfortable with the problem, because it s no longer eating away at their core. Talking about it is easy after that, and explaining what was going on, is easier too, because now they have clarity therein. Remember that a man closes off his emotionally logical side, during moments of problem solving, with intra-personal problems. It means that they actually CANNOT talk about how they feel about something, or about how that thing is making them feel, in that moment. They would have effectively suspended their ability to do that, which explains why many men fail miserably to respond to a woman, when she asks him what s going on, or what s wrong. That s why they give short, almost one word responses, up until they feel that the concern is actually resolved. Now of course, a timeline of WHEN that concern or intra-personal problem is going to be resolved, is another issue. But for that, there is actually no

31 clear answer. It can completely depend on the kind of intra-personal problem that a man is having. If it s a financial issue, for example, it could take quite a while for a man to resolve the problem, until or unless he feels that the financial concern itself is at LEAST being managed. Sometimes, a man will face a problem that does not have an immediate resolve, and in those moments, understand that a man is then looking for at least a way to start managing the problem, in the very least, and until he finds some way to manage it first, he can t really explain what is going on to you. So a man doesn t always need to have a complete solution, before he can come to you, and talk about what is going on. Sometimes he just needs to see that something is at least in the works to solve it, or make it manageable. That s all a man is really trying to do in his problem solving stage, is he s trying to make it manageable emotionally for himself again. Once he has done that, he can more than openly accommodate your need for information, details, and more. So the key here, again, is to just be patient. Sometimes it s not an immediate fix, but understand that it s not a forever kind of an issue either. As long as you give him the elbow room, understanding, and acceptance that he needs during that period, he will be able to resolve any problem a lot faster. Again, once it is resolved, HE will come to you and will let you know what was going on, UNTIL that moment, the ONLY thing that you can do, is just remind him that you are there, if he needs you, and to then keep a respectable level of distance, to prove that you mean what you say as well.

32 That having been said, there is one other kind of withdrawal, which men create in a relationship, that you absolutely must know about, because this kind of withdrawal affects YOU, and actually is caused by you. I mentioned earlier, that this kind of withdrawal is called EXTRA-personal withdrawal. Extra-personal withdrawal refers to something that is happening OUTSIDE of your man, in the relationship. This means, that it s either something that is going on within the relationship dynamics itself, or, it s something that you are doing, that is causing him to withdraw. This kind of withdrawal is extremely deadly, because almost every single woman, when faced with this form of withdrawal, does the WRONG thing, and thus, only makes things worse in her relationship. Unlike intra-personal withdrawal, this kind of withdrawal is NOT the kind that you should ignore, avoid, or step back from. In fact, you actually have to do the EXACT opposite in this case. But before you can do anything about this level of withdrawal, you first must understand the causes, and then secondly, what it looks like in motion, to recognize it when it is happening in the first place. So what causes extra-personal withdrawal from a man, in a relationship? Well, the ONLY cause of extra-personal withdrawal in a relationship, from a man s end, is if and when, you react negatively to something. What exactly do I mean, therefore, when I say reacting negatively?