Being Nice is Not Enough Ten coaching situations where challenge could be the answer

Transcription

1 NOVEMBER 2016 BAREFOOT COACHING WINTER CONFERENCE Being Nice is Not Enough Ten coaching situations where challenge could be the answer Presenter: Jenny Rogers Slide1

2 CONDITIONS THAT MUST BE IN PLACE TO CHALLENGE YOUR CLIENT High levels of liking between you and the client High levels of trust on both sides Authentic concern for the client Humour and playfulness Willingness to challenge No ego on your part: you are as undefended as you expect your client to be Confidence: knowing how to blend challenge with support Slide2

3 COACHING IS AN UNUSUAL KIND OF CONVERSATION Different from what friends and family can provide and not a replacement for these relationships It s rare to talk to another human being who really listens It s rare to be heard without judgement It s unusual to comment on the immediate behaviour of another person without the wish to control or curry favour Both coach and client can walk away from the relationship Slide3

4 UNDERSTANDING THE NEED TO BALANCE SUPPORT WITH CHALLENGE Challenge High High challenge low support Client is undermined, indignant and defensive; coaching likely to end prematurely High challenge, high support Client trusts and likes coach; can learn even when uncomfortable. Relationship capable of being long and productive Low challenge, low support Low impact coaching, just a nice chat; coaching likely to peter out High support, low challenge Coach colludes with client; client misses opportunities to learn. Longer term, coaching unlikely to be sustainable Support Low HIgh Slide4

5 WHY CHALLENGE MAY BE NEEDED Amazingly, human beings are not perfect; we make mistakes People close to us may collude or attack We defend ourselves: it doesn t feel safe to be vulnerable We blame others or assume guilt unnecessarily We feel shame We side-track, lure people away from the issue with red herrings We succumb to faulty thinking Perspective narrows under stress Healthy growth comes from self awareness, courage and humility Slide5

6 1. CLIENT HAS A TROUBLED RELATIONSHIP Could be with peer, partner, boss or the whole organization Nick: Hospital Chief Executive Coach s underlying assumption: we are always part of the problem, even if all we have done is nothing Coach s challenge 1 Ask: What s your own responsibility for what has happened/what is going on? Slide6

7 2. CLIENT HAS A RELATIONSHIP CRISIS The relationship really matters The client has already tried all the obvious solutions Challenge Try some version of the empty chair : The simplest version is: Let s both stand up for a moment. Sit in my chair and imagine you are the other person looking at you in that empty chair. How do you feel? What do you see? Or even just If you were in their shoes, how would you feel? Slide7

8 3. THE CLIENT IS UNAWARE OF SOME ASPECT OF THEIR BEHAVIOUR Nick: Hospital Chief Executive Examples Compulsive talker/interrupter Seems intimidating Lacks assertiveness with you/compulsive apologizer Overwhelms with detail/never gives detail Arrives late/cancels at short notice/seems unmotivated Denies the problems they cause with others Solution: feedback: the single most underused coaching technique Slide8

9 CRITICISM AND FEEDBACK: THE DIFFERENCES CRITICISM Given in anger For benefit of giver: to punish Wild generalisations; opinions Evaluative About the whole person Says we or people One way No help or support with follow-up action FEEDBACK Given when calm For benefit of receiver: to develop Specific; factual Descriptive About specific behaviour Says I Two way Agreeing action and support is part of the process Slide9

10 HOW TO GIVE CLIENTS FEEDBACK: 7 vital steps 1. Face up to your reluctance; check on your motive 2. Ask permission: May I offer you some feedback? 3. What I noticed. Describe: facts, observation, behaviour 1. or 4. I sensed. NB no judgements 5. The impact on me was. 6. And I m wondering 7. Ask other person for their view 8. Coach around what emerges Slide10

11 4. SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT IN THE CONVERSATION The client is unusually animated - or unusually silent - or suddenly looks tired You feel tired, bored, irritated, animated, engaged The client seems disengaged or unhappy Coach s challenge: offer feedback in the here and now Ask what s going on for the client Say what s going on for you and what you notice in the client and in yourself Slide11

12 5. SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY WRONG IN THE CONVERSATION It has a round and round feel You notice that you feel anxious The word I is intruding more and more into your own words You feel an overwhelming need to find a solution for the client and to press your advice on to him or her Coach s challenge: tackle it Ask what s going on for the client Say what s going on for you Most likely cause: you are working on the wrong goal Slide12

13 6. THE CLIENT DOESN T HAVE AN AGENDA Shrugs shoulders, I don t know: you tell me Sent by someone else? Client s agenda items are all about changing someone or something else, about what is out there not what is in here Coach s challenge: coaching is about personal change, so if in client s view nothing needs to change in their own behavior, then coaching can t happen Double check what is going on in client s life, eg since you last saw them Give them a moment to review and reflect If there s still no agenda then wish them well and say goodbye Slide13

14 7. BOSS THINKS CLIENT NEEDS COACHING, CLIENT IS BAFFLED Coach s challenge: do 3-way contracting where you encourage boss and client to be frank Run a bespoke 360 exercise for the client where you interview his or her colleagues and write a tactful but no-holds barred report Slide14

15 8. THE CLIENT HAS MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE Examples Failed to act on a whistleblower s information Gave a disastrous presentation Bullied a colleague Failed to check out an important process Inadvertently caused a serious accident or incident What NOT to do Collude: it wasn t your fault Trivialize: We all make mistakes Slide15

16 WHEN THE CLIENT HAS MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE In your own mind distinguish between: regret, shame, guilt and remorse: They are all different and help the client to differentiate them Deconstruct what actually happened Agree that the mistake was serious if it was, or challenge overemphasis on the mistake if it wasn t as serious as the client believes Distinguish between the person and the behaviour Reassure that one mistake does not define us for ever Offer a self-forgiveness protocol Encourage client to keep a forgiveness diary Slide16

17 9. THE CLIENT DEMONSTRATES FLAWED THINKING PATTERNS Examples Everything is black or white: no shades of grey Profound pessimism: if bad things can happen, they can happen to me Health anxiety Helplessness Always someone else s fault Everything should be perfect Coach s challenge: offer feedback on what you have observed Ask for client s response Slide17

18 10. THE CLIENT IS AT RISK IN SOME WAY Examples Health: ignoring an obvious symptom Legal: about to so something which is against the law Is unaware of facts which could endanger themselves or others Proposed actions may imperil an important relationship After exploring, checking for understanding, looking at upsides and downsides etc with the client, it may be essential to offer them plain speaking/advice Slide18

19 WHEN IT S ESSENTIAL TO OFFER ADVICE There are legal or medical issues with clear right/wrong answers It s a crisis and needs rapid action You have a duty of care: there is physical or moral danger The client cannot make their own decisions You are offering facts not opinions The subject is complex and bewildering: you have genuine expertise Giving advice is unlikely to create dependency Your own motivation is entirely positive Slide19

20 THE CLIENT IS AT RISK contd/ Coach s challenge: offer straightforward information and advice Stress your concern for the client Follow this by stressing the client s autonomy - and encouraging disagreement Slide20

21 VARIANT: THE CLIENT COULD SERIOUSLY ENDANGER SELF OR OTHERS Examples Drinking at work; severe addiction problems of other sorts Suicidal ideation Mental health problems Coach s challenge: Rapport ; question to understand; summarise and explore Offer feedback including your own concerns and feelings Coach the client around finding help Last resort: break confidentiality Slide21