Conflict Management & Emotional Intelligence:

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Juliet Logan
5 years ago
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1 Conflict Management & Emotional Intelligence: Unlock Your Emotional Genius! Nicole Giesbrecht, MSW, RSW, RCC Eterna Counselling & Wellness

2 What do we know about conflict? Conflict is a natural part of our interactions with others. Conflict is generally very uncomfortable for us and most of us prefer to avoid it at all costs. We tend to stay away from people we have conflict with. Feelings of fear, frustration, hurt are usually at the root of conflict. Conflict can cause us to behave in ways we may not like (creating shame). We find it much easier to point out the poor conflict management styles of others, than ourselves. We learn conflict styles/skills early on from our family of origin. But we can learn new skills and unlearn old, ineffective skills by educating ourselves, learning self awareness strategies, practicing new ways of doing conflict. Being effective conflict managers brings more peace to our lives.

3 The Three Brains The Emotional Brain The Rational Brain The Wise Brain

4 So What Kind of Conflict Manager are YOU??

5 Are you a Turtle? Do you tend to withdraw from the group? Do you not give your opinions or ideas? This may be experience by others as passive, disinterested or passive aggressive. And results in things not being resolved.

6 Are you a Chameleon? Do you change your opinions or ideas depending on the group you are with? Or, even if your ideas or opinions aren t changed, do you blend in by pretending they are? This can create mistrust and greater conflict. And results in things not being resolved.

7 Are you and Elephant? Do you put up road blocks? Do you stand in the way of effective conflict resolution? This creates increased frustration, and leaves people thinking of you as unreasonable. And results in things not being resolved.

8 Are you a Donkey? Are you so stuck in your ways that you refuse to listen to others? Do you refuse to change your point of view? This rigidity can leave people seeing you as unapproachable. And results in things not being resolved.

9 Are you a Monkey? Do you like to fool around and make jokes to avoid addressing the problem? Do you try to make people laugh as a way to keep them happy with you? Or as a way to disguise how you re feeling? This can actually create more discomfort and results in things not being resolved.

10 Are you a Mouse? Are you passive and timid in conflict? Do you not share your feelings or thoughts? This can leave others feeling uncared for, and shut out. And results in things not being resolved.

11 Are you a Rabbit? Do you run the other direction when conflict comes up? Can you sniff conflict from a mile away and avoid an altercation? Do you switch topics that are uncomfortable? This can leave people frustrated. And results in things not being resolved.

12 Are you an Owl? Do you use big words and use complicated sentences? Do you try the baffle em with BS approach? This can be experienced as condescending. And result in things not being resolved.

13 Are you and Ostrich? Do you refuse to see that there is a problem? Do you stick your head in the sand and not like to face the reality of the situation? Do you ya but your way through conflict? This is very frustrating for others who may be trying to resolve things.

14 Are you a Dolphin? Do you like to work together towards a common goal where everyone s voice is involved? Do you take other s opinions into consideration, even if they are different than your own? This creates connection, safety and trust. And generally, this facilitates resolution.

15 Thomas-Kilmann s Conflict Style Model Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model suggests that each person has a certain behaviour style in conflict. Conflict situations are those in which the concerns of two (or more) people appear to be incompatible. Some research suggests we spend 2-3 hours a week in some sort of conflict. In such situations they describe an individual s behaviour along two dimensions: 1. Assertiveness the degree to which a person attempts to satisfy his/her own concerns 2. Cooperativeness the extent to which the person attempts to satisfy the other persons concerns These two basic dimensions of behaviour define five different styles of responding to conflict situations.

16 Take the Quiz!

17 Thomas-Kilman s Conflict Model Designed by two Psychologists to illustrate the options we have when handling conflict. The two dimensions in the model are: Assertiveness (vertical) concerned on conflict responses aimed at getting us what we want. Cooperativeness (horizontal) concerned with responses based on helping others get what they want.

18 Tips for Healthy Conflict Management 1. Realize that conflict is inevitable and a part of life (personal & professional) 2. Deal with the conflict as soon as possible 3. Seek clarification. 4. Use assertive, I statements. 5. Own what is yours to own. 6. Use non aggressive, non-blaming words to express yourself.

19 Self Awareness & Emotional Intelligence Self Awareness is the degree to which you know yourself; your strengths, weaknesses, values, attitudes, world view, etc. It s requires you to be self reflective and to honestly look at yourself and evaluate how you handle things, why you handle them that way, and whether or not this is healthy and in line with your values. Emotional Intelligence is recognizing, understanding, and choosing how we think, feel, and act. It shapes our interactions with others and our understanding of ourselves.

20 "Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not easy." ~ARISTOTLE

21 Emotional Intelligence involves 4 major skills: The ability to perceive emotions The ability to reason with emotions The ability to understand emotions The ability to manage emotions See handout

22 9 Tips for Increasing your EQ 1. Observe your own emotional tendencies. 2. Don t judge yourself. 3. Learn to control your negative emotions. 4. Learn to express difficult emotions when necessary (and appropriate). 5. Take a genuine interest in what people are saying. Practice empathy. 6. Ask relevant questions. 7. Pay attention to body language. 8. Take responsibility for your actions.

23 John Gottman s Four Horsemen 1. Defensiveness 2. Contempt 3. Criticism 4. Stonewalling See handout

24 Some Thoughts: Fear plays a role in our reactions to people and to how we do conflict. Humility and vulnerability play a key role in conflict resolution and are integral to high EQ People are just people. We all want to be heard and understood. Conflict can grow relationships, increase understanding, and improve our resilience. Having a high EQ will facilitate healthy conflict management skills. You will likely never love conflict, but you may find it isn t as daunting if you increase your self awareness, emotional intelligence and conflict management strategies.

25 L. I. C. I. T L.I.C.I.T L - Listen to Understand (empathy). I - Identify and interpret your own emotions and responsibility in the situation (humility). C - Coach yourself to stay in the conversation and not become defensive/reactive (respect). Practice Courage as a way to face the challenging conversation. I - Use I Statements as a way to assertively and respectfully communicate your feelings & needs. T - Test solutions to the problem and reassess how things are going. Work as a Team.

26 Thoughts? Questions? THANK YOU!

Assertive Communication

Assertive Communication Listed below are some of the key features of the three main communication styles: Passive Aggressive Assertive Apologetic You statements I statements Overly soft or tentative voice