Relational Skills That Heal and Restore Joy In Communities

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1 Relational Skills That Heal and Restore Joy In Communities Rev. Chris M. Coursey Jen Coursey 9:10am 10:30am 2017 ACTheals Conference My focus is building and strengthening a community cluster around you, your family and helping your clients do the same. Everything goes better when there is a community cluster on hand to amplify the good stuff and be a safety net when things go south. As a pastor and pastoral counselor I spent 10 years living in a redemptive community with precious brothers and sisters coming out of backgrounds filled with severe trauma in the form of painful absences and bad things that should not have happened. Most of these folks couldn t hold down a job, couldn t function in society and couldn t sit through a church service. Most spent their lives and money pursuing help to little or no avail. They were considered hopeless. In this environment I spent much time learning to apply the Life Model and develop what Dr. Jim Wilder and I refer to as the 19 relational brain skills and a way to train the skills in a format we called THRIVE Training. I discovered a lot that worked, and even more that didn t. Something profound happened as people began to practice and learn the 19 relational skills. People began to come alive and many smiled for the first time I had known them. To this day I can still remember one of the first times I realized I was missing something important. One of the key elements for building communities of healing around you is the attention toward and the purposeful effort to develop earned maturity and learn relational brain skills. We stay resourceful and show others how to create belonging around themselves. We learn to repair during inevitable conflicts and recover when things go wrong. My friend who lost her cool and couldn t find it. We stay tender toward weaknesses. We operate within the boundaries of our personal and corporate maturity to avoid burnout and the misuse of power. We understand emotional capacity to minimize relational casualties. 1

2 We see some of what God sees. We know how and when to rest. We recover when things go wrong. We are genuinely glad to be together. We remember who we are when it matters. We stay thankful and amplify the good stuff. We interact at high levels of energy without going too far. We keep relationships bigger than emotions and problems. We pause when people reach their limit and need a breather. We stay open to correction instead of becoming defensive, critical or angry. The 19 Joyful Brain Skills We all know there are essential ingredients that must be in place to form mature Christfollowers. From good theology and strong character to an unfailing love for both God and man. Brain skills are an integral part of the equation that define a mature, resilient Christfollower. Nineteen relational brain skills The secret to making your other skills matter 19 total Skill 1 - What is JOY? Skill 1 - Practice Joy means relationship. Joy means someone is glad to be with me! Joy is a real, face-to-face, in-person experience. Joy is reciprocal and joy comes from God as well as other people. We are truly glad to be together! Joy sets the limits in our ability to handle pressure and process traumatic events. Think about someone who lights up to see you. Notice how this feels. Briefly share one word how you feel thinking of this person/moment. Briefly describe what joy feels like in your body. 2

3 When I have joy: I warmly smile when I see someone I care about. I regularly feel joyful when I make eye contact with the people I care about. When joy is low: I rarely smile at my loved ones. I rarely feel joyful when I make eye contact. It doesn t take much to tip me over the edge. Pseudo-joys that counterfeit The absence of Skill 1 means I search for something else to compensate my low-joy. Because joy is intensely rewarding, I am highly motivated to pursue something to replace my natural need for relational joy. This tends to be high-energy, dopamineproducing activities or substances that pick me up and fill a void. Ed Khouri calls these BEEPS: Behaviors, Experiences, Events, People and Substances that mask my need for relational joy where people are glad to be with me. BEEPS artificially regulate my feelings - and always leave me empty. Relationships require a rhythm of joy and rest We are glad to be together in highenergy joy then we cycle to a moment of rest to catch our breath. After rest we build more joy. Rest is still relational and it refreshes us. The absence of rest and quiet overwhelms us which can lead to depression. The absence of rest is the highest predictor for developing a mental illness at some point in my lifetime. Skill 2 - Practice Take a moment to rest and breathe deeply from your body. Open your eyes to notice people around you resting. Notice how rest feels. Briefly describe what quieting feels like in your body. When I can quiet: I successfully calm myself down after interacting in joy. I enjoy sitting quietly. I easily calm down after being upset. I recognize when I need to take moments of quiet. When quieting is diminished or missing: I cannot settle down after a time of joy. I get fidgety when I have to sit quietly. It takes me a long time to calm down after I ve been excited or upset. People frequently tell me I look tired or need to calm down. 3

4 Catastrophic effects of a Skill 2 absence Jen s need for quieting. Suicidal depression at 11 years. Pushing to exhaustion. Crippling anxiety. Federal disability. Now that we reviewed joy and quiet, we look at the crucial skill that pulls from these 2 skills and often makes the difference between a healthy/strong community and an unhealthy/toxic community. Skill 11: Return to Joy Skill 11 - I learn to feel and quiet the Big Six emotions while staying relationally connected. Sad I lost some of my life. Angry I need to protect myself and make something stop. Frightened I want to get away. Ashamed I m not bringing you joy and/or you are not glad to be with me. Disgusted This is not life-giving! Hopeless I lack the time and resources. Skill 11 Return to Joy We grow in our ability to return to joy from: 1. interactions with people who have the skill, 2. observing people using the skill and 3. sharing stories that focus on returning to joy that bring attention to feelings, emotions and body. (4+ Stories) Validation and comfort are a one-two punch to increase my ability to better navigate big emotions. Validation = I see you are upset about this problem. This is very frustrating for you! Comfort = I am glad I can be here with you. What helps you when you feel this way? Eventually we discover emotions will not kill us. When Skill 11 is missing We may: Avoid specific emotions. People-please to fearfully avoid shame. Side-track to more manageable emotions. I feel ashamed but I am angry about it. Use negative emotions as motivators. If I don t do this then the boss will be mad/disappointed. Compensate with BEEPS. Become stuck in a negative emotion our brain has not learned to manage. Extended periods of hopeless despair, fear (anxiety), etc. 4

5 Training relational brain skills is crucial for healing and recovery In Jesus day, it was common for rabbis to pick disciples to pass on their teaching. The disciple carefully studied, mirrored and copied their teachers. The disciple dressed, walked, sat, spoke, thought, acted and sounded like the teacher. Similarly, brain skills are learned by interacting with people who have them. Who are your students? Skill 11 Return to Joy Interaction 10:05-10:30am 1. Join groups of Pick the emotion that is easier for you to manage in your relationships. 3. Show the emotion on your face to your group members. 4. Take turns discussing a time where you felt this emotion while you stayed connected with other people. Sadness Anger Fear Shame Disgust Hopeless thrivetoday.org Parenting blog lifemodel.org Life Model Works THRIVE Training: Feb. 26-March 3 rd, East Peoria, IL. THRIVE Training: July 30-August 3 rd, Holland, MI. 5