March Winter Into Spring In Grief's Garden

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1 March 2015 Inside this Issue: Love Gifts Dear Kate Spring Tears 3 Plan Ahead for Anniversaries 4 Plan Ahead (continued) Why Not? Forgiveness My Precious Grandchild Grief Work 6 Creating a New Map 7 Creating a New Map (continued) I Wish I Had Known If Only s A Grieving Parent Is Parent s Grief How Many Children Do You Have? Phone & List 10 Our March Children If this is your first Newsletter If you are receiving this newsletter for the first time, it is because someone has told us it might be helpful for you. We hope it is. We also invite you to our monthly meetings at Hayes Barton Baptist Church. At these meetings you may talk or choose not to say a word. There are no fees or dues. We are sorry you have had to experience the death of a child (or children) but we are here for you. We, too, are on this journey of grief and extend our hearts and arms to you. Attention: Our TCF meetings are now held in Room 224. Go left past Information Desk and at end of the long hallway turn right. Then half way down this hallway take elevator on the right to 2nd floor. Meeting room is across from the elevator. The Wake County Chapter meets every second and fourth Tuesday of the month at Hayes Barton Baptist Church, 1800 Glenwood Avenue, at the corner of Glenwood Avenue and Whitaker Mill Road at Five Points in Raleigh. Enter from Whitaker Mill Road into Main Entrance of the Family Life Center which is attached to and behind the church. Ask directions to TCF meeting room at desk just inside the entrance door. Tuesday, March 10th The meeting will start at 7:30 pm. Tuesday, March 24th The meeting will start at 7:30 pm. Winter Into Spring In Grief's Garden by Genesse Bourdeau Gentry February's rainy days March's lions and lambs spring's new beginnings dance across the land. And how are you doing? Is your heart full or sad? How much of life's renewal is your soul allowed to have? As spring comes creeping towards you, does the darkness sweep in too? Does pain engulf the beauty with its bleakness and ruin your life which is now in shambles. So much is lost of your dreams they are lifeless, empty. But all around you life is growing. Can you feel it too? Do you know that inside you there is growth? Yes in you. Your child's death has left a hole in you so deep that you feel hollow. But this growth will fill it with new life, new dreams amidst the sorrow. And within that new and growing life, is your ever living child with all the love and memories of that laugh and that smile! All of your growth from now until your death will contain seeds of your child's life, will hold their love's breath. You may feel that this growing would be a betrayal, but the bond with your child will get stronger, not weaker. As their spirit surrounds you or their love soaks you through, you could try new ways of living, honoring them, honoring you. And where once only ruin covered all that you knew, you will find new life budding, new meanings for you. It may take many years before you see it as gain, but know it is happening even now, midst the pain. You will spring upward growing tall towards the sun and within your new beauty is your daughter or your son. Compassion, faithfulness and mercy require us to get beyond self and sense the needs of others.

2 I N M E M O R Y FEBRUARY LOVE GIFTS Gifts Given In Loving Memory Of Children Toni Amirante In loving memory of my son William Vincent Amirante (Never Forgotten) Dollie Glaum In loving memory of my son Roy Steven Taylor Randy and Sue Mellott In loving memory of our son Jesse Aaron Mellott Alexander and Cynthia Ross In loving memory of our daughter Alecyn Elizabeth Ross Bill and Colleen Lee In loving memory of our son Matthew William Lee If you would like to give a Love Gift in remembrance of your child, or if you would like to make a donation to our Wake County Compassionate Friends group, please mail your gift to: Love Gifts Wake County Chapter, The Compassionate Friends, Inc., P. O. Box 6602, Raleigh, NC Sometimes we do not get your Love Gifts in time to list them in our newsletter for the correct month because of postal mail delays. To make sure your child is listed on our Love Gift page in the correct month, please phone Pattie Griffin at (919) or me at pattie.grif@gmail.com so I will know you have sent a Love Gift in to our Treasurer. If I hear from you before the last 3 days of the month, I can get your Love Gifts listed on time. Please send pictures, articles, poems or memories of your child to be published in our Wake TCF newsletter. Dear Kate: Living with Loss Following our daughter s death, my husband and I saw no end to the grief. Yet we have somehow discovered meaning, hope, and even joy after life s most terrible loss. One morning in early June 2004, I peeked into the room where my 23-year-old daughter, Kate, was still curled up in the white wrought-iron bed she had slept in as a child. I paused for a moment and gazed at her lovely face, framed by the wild, curly hair that spread out like seaweed across the pillow. Standing there, I said to myself, as I sometimes did, I could not draw another breath if Kate Comiskey anything happened to this child. Five months later in Bloomington, as Kate drove to Indian Creek High School to teach freshman English, a 45-year-old man high on opiates and cocaine crashed into her Honda Civic. In the emergency room, a nurse snipped off two locks of her chestnut hair for me. Two days later, when I gently washed them in our bathroom sink, the water turned pink with her blood. Yet I did draw another breath. And one after that. And one after that. [Nine years later, I m sharing the story of what I ve learned since, along with passages from (my) birthday letters to Kate. If my experience helps someone better understand the loss of a child, if it offers hope to those facing challenges of their own, then Kate s life continues to have meaning. And that is a gift I can still give her.] One of our Wake TCF members said that Kate s Story was extremely helpful reading for him. If you would like to continue Kate s story, I pulled up all the articles that comprise the story by Googling Dear Kate, Nancy Comiskey Nancy Comiskey s articles about the loss of her daughter are very interesting, meaningful, and helpful to those of us who have lost our own children. Please check out her story. It may be helpful to you. 2

3 SPRING TEARS When the sun s sharp brilliance echoes in the luminescent blue A grim oppressive darkness stabs my aching heart anew. It s golden glow upon my face, the warmth of winter s sun Holds the promise of renewal when the icy months are done. It is this vow of nature s resurgence in the Spring That bows my head, and breaks my heart unlocks my suffering for you will miss again the beauty of this time of year, The growing warmth, the sunny days when life will reappear. For nature has no power over death that holds you still, And though I know, I still resent Spring s early daffodil Oh, would that I could speak to Mother Nature face to face! To beg she work her magic on your lonely resting place. Why can t it be your rebirth when the grey cold days are gone? Why mightn t you not live again to see Spring s fresh new dawn And feel the sunshine, relish in the greening earth To open arms embracing life, why can t it be your birth? You were so young, your life so new when death crept through the door And in my grief, beloved child, I ll ask forevermore The reason why earth s renewed when Spring comes round each year. Yet in your grave you re silent still And I, condemned, am here. by Sally Migliaccio When we are drawn into the brotherhood or sisterhood of loss, tenderness seems to be our natural state. We are so vulnerable. Everything brushes against the raw wound of our grief, reminding us of what we have lost, triggering memories a tilt of the head, a laugh, a way of walking, a touch, a particular conversation. These images are like beads strung together on the necklace of loss. Tenderly, we turn them again and again. We cannot let them go. Then, gradually, bit by bit, the binding thread of grief somehow transmutes, reconstitutes itself as a thread of treasured memories a tilt of the head, a laugh, a way of walking, a touch, a particular conversation, as gifts from the life we shared with the one we lost, gifts that can never be taken away. May I honor and trust the processes of grief and healing, knowing that, in time, a new day will come. 3 by Martha Whitmore Hickman

4 Plan Ahead for Anniversaries: Believing in Life and Yourself by Harriet Hodgson "The good fairy isn't coming," my mother said. She often said this, not to hurt my feelings or quell my belief in fairies, but make me responsible for myself. I learned this lesson as a child and have applied it countless times as an adult. Identifying problems, finding solutions, and doing the work, were up to me. I had to be the good fairy. In 2007 I thought of my mother's saying again. That year my elder daughter, mother of our twin grandchildren, father-in-law, brother, and the twin's father, all died. The twin's parents died in separate car crashes and the court appointed my husband and me as the twin's guardians. "Hollywood would reject this plot," a friend commented. "It's too emotional and unbelievable." The twins were 15-years-old when they moved in with us. Somehow, I had to do my grief work and raise teenagers. I didn't know if I could recover from such tragedy and feared I would never be happy again. I was scared scared to the marrow of my bones yet had to keep faith in life and myself. Since I had studied grief for decades, I prepared for anniversary reactions. Not to prepare would put me at risk for regression, and I might go backwards on the healing path. What are anniversary reactions? Mayo Clinic answers this question in a website article, "Grief: Coping with Reminders after Loss." Anniversary reactions are a return of grief and pain and can strike years after a loved one has died. Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries may make you sad. According to Mayo Clinic anniversary reactions can ambush you. "Even memorial celebrations for others can trigger the pain of your own loss," the article notes. Worse, your anniversary reaction may last for weeks. The symptoms of anniversary reactions are sadness, loneliness, anger, anxiety, sleeping problems, fatigue, and emotional pain. You may re-live your loved one's death, recall images you wanted to forget, fret over painful details, and grieve all over again. Grief just won't let go of you. Therese A. Rando, PhD details anniversary reactions in How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies. Parental grief may subside in several years, Rando explains, and then intensify again. "All of us have an unconscious time clock within us 4 that keeps track of anniversary dates whether or not we consciously recognize it," she writes. This bad news is balanced by the good news that you can prepare for these reactions. I prepared for the first Thanksgiving without my daughter. She was born on Thanksgiving Day and I thought I would spend it sobbing. Thankfully, members of my extended family rallied to help us. The family dinner was held at a different location, and members created a loving, protective circle around my husband and me. I missed my daughter desperately, but love and kindness eased my pain. I continue to prepare for Thanksgiving and the anniversary of my daughter's death. What do I do? My plans may help you cope with your upsurges in grief. Honor your deceased child. On the first anniversary of our daughter's death, my husband and I held a graveside ceremony. I welcomed family members and gave them a list of our daughter's values titled "Helen's Legacy." To emphasize the points I read the list aloud. Though the twins didn't say a word, I hoped the points would be "filed" in their minds. Thinking about my daughter's values comforted me then and comforts me now. You may find comfort in your child's values and interests. Make quiet part of each day. Some bereaved parents avoid quiet to escape emotional pain. It doesn't work. Sooner or later, pain catches up with you. Allowing yourself to feel pain helps you to heal. So turn off the background noise and think about your child. Focus on her or his talents, personality, and happy times. Remember that pain comes from love and you may find strength in the love you still have for your child. Set a new goal. Well-meaning friends told me I would have to give up writing to raise the twins. Giving up writing would be giving up on me and, since I was unwilling to do that, I ignored their advice. Instead, I got up earlier, wrote for an hour, gave the twins breakfast, and wrote after they left for school. Months passed and the focus of my work changed from health/wellness to grief healing. Having a goal energized me then and energizes me now. If you haven't set a goal recently, this may be the time to do it. Let yourself laugh. People still come up to me and talk about my daughter's sense of humor. "She could have been a stand-up comic," a friend said. My multiple losses led to another loss, the loss of humor, and it made me uncomfortable. Finally, I realized my deceased loved ones, especially my daughter, would want me to enjoy life and laugh. I remember the first belly laugh I had after my daughter died. Laughing felt good and, as I was whooping loudly, I said to myself, "Helen, this one is for you." Laughter releases stress, so let yourself laugh, though you are mourning.

5 Plan Ahead for Anniversaries (continued from previous page) Give to others. I live my mother's lesson: Instead of waiting to be rescued, I try to rescue myself and help others. Giving makes me feel good. I give away lots of books, donate to meaningful organizations, mentor fledgling writers, and write for free. Volunteering in memory of my loved ones is another way of giving. You may give the gift of listening at TCF Chapter meetings, grief support group meetings, and social functions. Seven years have passed since my daughter died from the injuries she received in a car crash. During this time I accepted the cause of death, blunt force trauma, painful words to write, and more painful to say. Thanks to my mother, I didn't waste time waiting for the good fairy, and rolled up my sleeves. I researched multiple losses, secondary losses, wrote about my journey, planned for anniversary reactions, grew closer to my husband, and cherished days with my grandkids. Day-by-day, I created a new life and, while it isn't the one I thought I'd have, it is a happy life. I'm my good fairy, you are yours, and we can plan for anniversary reactions. by Harriet Hodgson, MA Member, Association of Health Care Journalists Member, Association for Death Education and Counseling Member, Minnesota Coalition for Death Education & Support Member, Rochester, Minnesota TCF Chapter From TCF We Need Not Walk Alone Autumn/Winter 2014 Why Not? Think about it. Even to ask such a question throws into relief how our lives would be impoverished were we to forget our painful experiences. There is an old folktale about a group of people, each of whom was given the chance to throw one trouble into a central heap in the middle of the room. Then they were invited to choose one from the pile. They each ended up taking back their own. I suppose this seems so right to us because we know we are, each of us, the sum of our experiences, and to negate any of those experiences, even the most painful maybe especially the most painful is to deny not only what we have learned from these experiences, but also our very selves. I will embrace my life, all of it. If there ae changes for the better that I can make, I will try to make them. Where I cannot, I will accept that, too. But even if I could I will not forget my pain. It is part of who I am. ~Martha Whitmore Hickman, from Healing After Loss 5 FORGIVENESS When our child dies, most of us are angry at those who caused or had a part in the death. Sometimes we are angry at our child for leaving us this way. We did not deserve the hurt and now it is lodged deep in our memory. As we attend Compassionate Friends meetings, we can see we are not alone in this hurting. It gives us the chance to share and try to understand the pain. Sometimes some of us even hate, although we don't want to admit that hate. I think if we admit the hate, talk about it, bring it up in group meetings, then we can resolve it and slowly turn these feelings into forgiveness. I feel that we must separate the thing we are angry about from the persons. In my case, I was angry at the doctors in the emergency room who I felt let my daughter die. Then I began to see that doctors do not JUST LET a sixteen-year -old die. Then I knew it was the death and not the doctors with whom I was angry. I guess they were just the scapegoats. A lot of us are angry at God for taking our child, but then what kind of God would take such a beautiful person. Not the God I know. He would never hurt us or our child. Forgiveness is hard, but we must persist. We must not think we are letting the person we are angry with off the hook. Someone even told me forgiveness is a sign of weakness and I should be strong and not forgive. I believe vengeance does not even the score. I believe it just makes our anger deeper if we don't forgive and we just go on in a vicious circle. Let us work on forgiving. We can survive on love, but not on hate. Let us love the child we lost, love his memory. When we turn from anger to love, the forgiveness will begin. We must also forgive US, as some of us are angry at ourselves. Forgiveness for some of us will be hard to reach. Keep working on it, keep loving. We cannot control the future, but we can be a part in the successful outcome. Larry Warren, TCF North GA Chapter

6 My Precious Grandchild by Connie Sheets I waited for that moment and it arrived one special day. My first glimpse of you nearly took my breath away. I was apprehensive about being called a grandma it's true, until the first time I was called grandma by you. Being a mother was a wondrous joy for me, I gave it all I had with great responsibility. Then I watched my child become a father of his own, now I could be a grandma and explore the great unknown. You brought so much joy when you entered this world; you were grandma's pretty angel and daddy's little girl. I loved to take you shopping, I loved to brush your hair, in fact I loved taking you with me almost anywhere. All those years of joy were filled with promise of much more, how could we have known that sadness soon would be in store. The ringing of the telephone, a knocking at the door, in an instant all that mattered most didn't matter anymore. The hurt was great for me and for my child so wracked with pain, without my pretty angel life would never be the same. We gave each other comfort and we held each other tight, somehow we have weathered the darkest of the night. Today we still cry and we always ache for you, but we also take some time remembering that you lived too. Your smile forever sparkles and your laugh will always be, because my precious grandchild you are still a part of me. Grief Work Give yourself permission to grieve. Cry, scream, yearn, rant, sit alone in silence, listen to music. Do whatever allows you to get in touch with your deepest emotions. We need to feel the pain of our loss in order to heal it Remember all of the good times that you had with your loved one. Remember all of their special qualities, including their faults and shortcomings. Work to forgive yourself and your loved one for being less than perfect. Make use of ritual to honor the memory of your loved one and the love that will never die. Indulge yourself, pamper yourself. Be kind and patient and good to yourself. Take time to sooth and replenish your body, mind and spirit. Take time to enjoy life's simple pleasures and do what you need to do for yourself. Exercise your right to feel the way you feel. Exercise your right to be "down" sometimes. Gently exercise your body to keep up your strength and relieve tension. Find several people to talk to who can accept your feelings and really listen without being judgmental or giving too much advice. Write. Journal about your feelings and experiences. Express yourself in letters to friends or to your deceased loved one. Compose poetry. Write down special memories of your loved one. Overcome your feelings of anger, guilt, deep sorrow, fear, hopelessness, resentment, etc. Recognize and acknowledge these feelings, express them, and then work toward releasing them. Read to learn about grief knowledge is power. Read something uplifting and hopeful. Read something engaging to temporarily take your mind off of all your problems and sorrows. Keep yourself involved in life affirming activities that you enjoy. Take "baby steps" back to a life of renewed joy and passion. Make plans for the future and keep your heart open to love. Honor your spirituality feel your connectedness to others, to the earth, and to the universe. Take your time don't try to rush through the grieving process or take on too much at one time. Do what feels right and appropriate for your particular phase of grief. Getting through grief is a long, difficult, and complex process which can be very draining and fatiguing. Allow yourself to take "breaks" from grief and mourning and when you have a "good" day, enjoy it. Try to find a comfortable balance between grief work, life work, and relaxation and pleasure. by Kelli Herman TCF Bismarck, ND Lovingly Lifted from TCF We Need Not Walk Alone Autumn/Winter

7 R. M. Nunes/Fotolia.com Creating a New Map into Uncharted Territory The Journey of Bereaved Parents by Maria Kubitz, TCF Contra Costa County, CA From the moment we found out you were coming into our lives, we felt electric: a mix of excitement, adrenalin, and a dose of fear for good measure. We dutifully began plotting the course of our lives together - starting with milestones like kindergarten, puberty, graduation, career, wedding, grandchildren, etc. Then we began making our maps more detailed with our hopes and dreams for you. We prepared as well as we could for your arrival. On the day we welcomed you into our lives, we held out our loving arms and said softly, "Welcome. We've been waiting for you. We stared into the vast universe reflected deep within your eyes with awe and wonder. You were a part of us; an extension of our very being. As you stared back into our eyes, a feeling of intense love for you took hold in every cell of our body. This was true, unconditional love with no boundaries and no end. Our lives were more meaningful with you in it. You gave us a greater sense of purpose and a profound sense of responsibility. Your life was ours to protect; ours to mold and guide. We needed to teach you all that we knew, and try to help you avoid the mistakes we made. We wanted to afford you every opportunity to make your unique mark on this world. We wanted to make sure your life would become better than our own. In return, all we asked from you was your continued unconditional love, because it felt wonderful. Better than anything else in this life of ours. We did the best we could as parents. We weren't perfect. We made plenty of mistakes intermixed with our successes. We got off-course of our map here and there and had to identify some new routes. But the destination was always the same: we would take care of you until one day you would take care of us. At that point we would say goodbye and leave you to be on your own. By then you would have a family and be following your own map. We'd leave happy in the knowledge that we made the world a better place by bringing you into it. But then the impossible happened: you died before we did. On the day you died, our hearts shattered into a million pieces, as did the world around us. We were left in a dark, unfamiliar place where pain filled every cell of our body where love once lived. The air around us was now hard to breathe. Gravity was stronger than before, and the simple act of sitting or standing used up all of our strength and energy. Our map had disintegrated and we were hopelessly, utterly lost in the darkness of horror and misery. Amid the darkness, familiar hands grabbed ours. Voices of family and friends guided us as we fumbled about in this strange new world, not knowing what to do. These family 7 and friends all gathered around us to ceremoniously say goodbye to you. And yet we couldn't. The words never made it to our mouths. We were sure this was all a mistake - a nightmare that we would wake up from and find you standing over us smiling and laughing. We cried out for you, but got no answer in return. As our family and friends left us to be on our own without you, the familiar world we once knew began to reappear around us. And yet it was very different than before. We could interact with it, but we couldn't touch this world because we were trapped in a bubble of despair. And yet most people couldn't see our bubble. To them, it looked as if we were the same person we were before you died - maybe sadder, but basically the same. They expected us to quickly go back to our old routines and be our "old selves". But they couldn't see our bubble, and that we had fundamentally changed. Inside that bubble, everything felt overwhelming. Our reactions to common sights and sounds were different than before. Laughter and joy made us angry and sick to our stomach. We were filled with resentment that the world itself hadn't ceased to exist when you died. Happiness was now out of reach, and we felt as though we'd never get it back. Some of us didn't want it back if you weren't there to share it with us. Even when we were surrounded by people outside our bubble, we felt hopelessly alone and misunderstood. We became excellent actors worthy of an Oscar. We learned to pretend we were better and back to normal for the benefit of those around us. "Fine" is how we mostly answered the question of, "How are you?" We looked desperately around us for people who actually wanted to hear the truth. We were not fine. When you left us, you took a part of us, and the void it left still ached with a pain so unbearable, we couldn't find adequate words to describe it. A few people could see our bubbles; most of them lived in bubbles (Continued on next page)

8 Creating a New Map (Continued from previous page) themselves. Unlike the majority of changed the chemistry of the atmosphere inside our bubble from people in the world around us, these people had the ability to that of despair to a mix of memories and longing for you. We reach inside our bubble and embrace us with understanding. We learned how to feel happiness and didn't have to pretend to be ok joy once again, even though it around them. We could break never made the pain deep within down and cry as loud and long as us subside. We began to learn how we needed to without worrying to better function in the world about making them uncomfortable. around us while still in the confines We found a sense of community of our bubbles. that we had lost when you died. Our bubbles never fully go away. But none of this made the pain go They change over time and may away. shrink considerably, but the pain Over time, small cracks began to will never leave us. This is because develop in our bubbles. These the pain was created by - and coexists with the love that invaded cracks let more light into our dim world. The air that came inside was every cell of our body when we easier to breathe. The gravity lightened a bit. It still hurt to be alive in time. And sometimes, we can mo- stared into your eyes that very first a world without you, but we began mentarily release the feeling of to learn how to adjust to it so that it pain by focusing our attention on wasn't as debilitating as before. the love that lives with it. The secret is to focus on you and the love Many of us learned to pry open the cracks in our bubbles a bit more to you gave us that still lives in our let in even more light and air. This bodies. You remain with us and a Lovingly Lifted from TCF We Need Not Walk Alone Autumn/Winter 2014 part of us. The fact is we would have died for you. We would have gladly given up our own lives in a heartbeat if it meant you could have continued living. But no one has ever learned how to go back in time to make that sacrifice. So we are left to live and breathe in a world without you. We have to create a new map that takes us into uncharted territory. We do this in your honor. We do this in honor of our family and friends that remain by our side. We will continue down this new path until we take our own last breaths. And when we leave this world and head into the unknown, we hope to see you there with open, loving arms and hear you say softly, "Welcome. I've been waiting for you." In memory of Margareta Sol Kubitz and all of our children who left us before we were ready. Originally published on I WISH I HAD KNOWN Dear Reader: I write this with the hope you may recognize yourself in one of these lines and feel less isolated for having read them. Ultimately, it is a message of small hope, newly arrived at, that may hold out the promise of better things to come. I'm 20 months out, that is how I characterize the event that changed my life forever. On March 17, 1998, my oldest son David was killed in an automobile accident. At 26 years old, his life was progressing on tract to a very promising future. He was my first child and my best friend. It is still unbelievable to me sometimes that his uniqueness, his special brightness is gone forever. To parents newer than I in the grief journey, I submit some observations that would have helped me if I had read them. No one told me that I could expect confusion and disorientation; serious lethargy and weight loss, the inability to concentrate and tolerate background noise. My memory was non existent and my sleep patterns were greatly altered. 8 My sadness overwhelmed me sometimes so that I felt unable to breathe and thought that my heart was breaking. No one told me how alone I would feel and that family and friends would be powerless in the face of such sadness. No one said how unrelenting grief is; it must be life's most solitary journey and no one can fix it. I didn't know that there would come a time when there is nothing left to say and quiet becomes your refuge and your friend. I have learned that at some point you must make a conscious choice to reconstruct your life in it's new reality. I believe that making that decision helps us to regain some of the power we have lost to circumstances in our lives. David would be proud of my growing strength and would expect no less of me. Amazingly, I am still standing. My greatest tribute to his memory is to take the terrible tragedy of his death and find some inner spark to help me start on a new path of discovery and perhaps someday find some peace and serenity. by Dianne Ross, BP/USA, St. Louis MO

9 IF ONLY S by Sheila Simmons All the little words and deeds that seemed so unimportant at the time, now come rushing back, playing havoc in my mind, taunting me with feelings that I didn't do enough, that there were words left unspoken, undone deeds and other countless stuff. The weight of guilt is heavy, and threatens to wear me down, as it parades through my mind, never making a sound. All the things I would say, all the deeds I would do, but I cannot bring it back, correct the wrongs I think I've done, as I slowly replay them in my mind, over and over, one by one. Guilt is a poison that tears me apart, leaving me empty with an aching hurting heart. If my child were here, I know what he would say, "Mom, Dad, don't do this, don't let guilt have it's way. You did the very best you could, you truly gave your all. So don't let guilt rob you, don't listen to its lies. All you did you did with love, and your best at the time. So don't let guilt steal that, don't let it haunt your mind." But I am but human, and never satisfied. And good is never good enough no matter how I try. There will always be hindsight, things I wished I'd done. And guilt is always waiting to point out each and every one. I must not let guilt consume me, get a foothold in my mind, for it is poison to me and treats me so unkind. Love should have no regrets, no sorrow to look back on. Love is the greatest gift we have to give, so guilt does not belong. A Grieving Parent Is A grieving parent is someone who will never forget their child no matter how painful the memories are. A grieving parent is someone who yearns to be with their dead child but cannot conceive leaving their living ones. A grieving parent is someone who has only part of a heart as the rest of it is buried with their child. A grieving parent is someone who begs for relief from the memories which plague them and then feels guilty when they get it. A grieving parent is someone who pretends to be happy and enjoying life when they really are dying inside. A grieving parent is someone who holds the lives of their remaining children as the most precious gift they have. A grieving parent is someone who can cry or laugh at the drop of a hat whenever they remember their beloved child. A grieving parent is someone who feels as if they just lost their child yesterday no matter how much time has passed. A grieving parent is someone who fears for their remaining family because they cannot bear to have any more loss. A grieving parent is someone who sits by their child's gravestone and feels a knife stabbing their heart. A grieving parent is someone who wants to help others who have lost loved ones because somehow their loss is theirs all over again. by Judy Skapik Tampa Bay Chapter of BP/USA Parent's Grief What can I say, to whom can I say what I feel and think and question? Is there someone or something to blame? Should I accept this loss of my child as nothing more than a tragic accident? I cannot within me not seek some answer. I cannot within me not seek some reason. I cannot within me not seek some rationale. To whom do I turn for solace, dare I seek solace? Should I not establish the quality and quantity of my love and loss by not accepting succor? God or someone, please be a guide for me and my loved ones. Please let me know whatever I am to do which will help us all. Please let my own loss not be a barrier or burden to others. Let not this tragedy be never-ending but grant me wisdom to allow my time for tears and then return to my ability to love those yet alive with a free and loving heart. Gerald Greenman, June

10 HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE? "How many children do you have?" they ask. Oh, that dreaded question. "How much time do you have?" I wonder silently to myself. Do you really want to know? And do you really care? Am I up to going through the entire crazy, confusing tale? If you have the time, my friend, here's the answer I will give... I have children who dance and children who sing, children with freckles and dimples and bows, children who run through the sprinkler and hose, children who color (on paper and walls), one who loves stomping and jumping puddles, children who ask "What is that for?" and spill glasses and glasses of milk on the floor, children who laugh and children who cry, constantly asking Mommy and Daddy, "Why?" But I have one who is different, set apart from the rest, one I've never known the joy of nursing at my breast, one we cannot cuddle, one we cannot hold, though we will in our hearts, as we grow old. She, I cannot rock when stormy is the night, or tuck snugly into bed with the fading of day's light. Though here with me now, four is all that you see. "I have five children," I'd say, with a glance towards the sky. "Four that can run and one that can fly." Val Minihan, TCF Sioux Falls, SD Friends Supporting Friends Telephone and Contact List Betsy Allen, 18 year old daughter, fire suffocation... kiddiekottage@gmail.com Kati Bourque, 2 day old daughter, diaphragmatic hernia... frogsducksanddoc@hotmail.com and 38 year old brother, heart attack... frogsducksanddoc@hotmail.com Debbie & Steve Brady, 31 yr old son, accidental prescription drug toxicity.. bizmen@aol.com Kathleen Breland, 17 year old son, suicide... ksabreland@gmail.com Mechelle Champion, 1 month old son, congenital heart failure... mchampion91@aol.com Mary Lou Clarkson, 21 year old son, leukemia Elise Cope, 15 year old son, auto accident... surrid@aol.com Rebecca Creech, 14 day old daughter, heart defect... leonaselena0105@aol.com Chris Crosier, 25 year old son, motorcycle accident... cc71236@gmail.com Teresa Cyr, 24 year old son, complications from drug overdose... teresacyr@gmail.com Kimberly Edens, 16 year old daughter, auto accident... kedens1015@gmail.com LaTonya Ellis, 18 year old daughter, sickle cell anemia... latonya.s.ellis@gmail.com Cate Forrester, 21 year old son, undiagnosed heart defect... kittycate521@gmail.com Susan Gray, 27 year old daughter, auto accident... scmusic62@gmail.com Mary Chris Griffin, 44 year old son, heart disease... mcgriffin48@gmail.com Diane Haddon, 26 year old daughter, metastatic melanoma... dkhaddon@nc.rr.com Nan Hamilton, 5 year old daughter, accident Diane and Robert Harkness, 47 year old daughter, cancer... dharkness.home@gmail.com Sosan Harlan, 30 year old son, drug overdose... sharlan48@gmail.com Becky Hart, 16 year old son, auto accident... bhart@rl-law.com Denise Johnson, 18 year old daughter, suicide... kimswhispers78@yahoo.com D. Marie Jones, 13 year old son, struck by hit & run driver... jones9807@att.net Cathy Joostema, 28 year old son, stroke... joostema2@hotmail.com Christi (Cathy s daughter) 28 year old brother, stroke... christif@workplaceoptions.com Gloria Jusino, 28 year old son, heart attack... ghjusino3@gmail.com Ellen King, infant son... divabella2000@yahoo.com Debra Lamberis, 25 year old son, drug overdose... coohousdeb@gmail.com Mara Lewis, 15 year old son, osteosarcoma... mlewisnc@gmail.com Cindy McLeod, 23 year old son, blunt force trauma... cindymcleod1954@att.net Sue Mellott, 21 year old son, suicide... suemellott@yahoo.com... Malissa Obonyo, 18 year old son, murder... ann.mitzi@yahoo.com Faira Pearce, 3.5 month old son, pneumonia... fairaharris@yahoo.com Ora Riggs, 30 year old son, primary brain tumor... orasriggs@gmail.com Cori Rochford, 20 day old son, kidney failure... cori.rochford@gmail.com Ron & Cindy Salyer, 21 year old son, motorcycle accident... salyer86@hotmail.com Angie Selvia, 25 year old daughter, murder... kaiser22006@hotmail.com Amber Silvers, stillborn daughter... silversa0226@gmail.com Linda Strother, 15 year old son, colon cancer... ljstrother@yahoo.com Barbara Thorp, 40 year old son, flue complications... bstaw@aol.com Rita Tolley, 23 year old son, auto accident... ritatolley123@bellsouth.net Lisa Tucker, 26 year old daughter, suicide... phototucker@gmail.com Nancy Turlington, 19 year old son, car accident... dhtntt@embarqmail.com Risa Wolfzahn, 23 year old son, gun shot... risenshine321@gmail.com

11 Our March Children Loved and Always Remembered Birthday Alecyn Elizabeth Ross Daughter Alexander & Cynthia Ross Jeffrey Schneider Son Vince & Judy Schneider Dylan Raitz Son Marie & Bill Raitz Matthew William Lee Son Bill & Colleen Lee Ashley Scarborough Daughter Lynn & Emerson Scarborough Andy Crosier Son Chris Crosier Mateo Rochford Son Cori & Thomas Rochford Cole Burwell Son Cathy Joostema Wade Halford Son Maggie & Scott Halford Tommy El Ferkh Son Ella & Danny Cagle Kenny Lewis Son Mara & Jack Lewis Roy Taylor Son Dollie Glaum Cara Grace Hazell Daughter Cynthia & Tim Hazell Julie Elizabeth McClelland Daughter Dru McClelland Lisa Diane Gatlin Daughter Jo Ann & Miller Gatlin Mark McCain Brother Nickie McCain Damian Curran Son Sharon Wilks Benjamin A. Thorp IV Son Barbara Thorp Carter Kirkland Son Angie & Kevin Kirkland Grandson Steve & Cindy Kovalcik Caroline Kirkland Daughter Angie & Kevin Kirkland Granddaughter Steve & Cindy Kovalcik Gavin William Boyd Westover Son Ted & Patty Westover Thomas M. Carr III Son Thomas & Donna Carr Anniversary David Briggs Martin Son Dennis & Jean Martin Macy Erickson Daughter Barbara & Stan Erickson Noah Lanni Son Ruth & Arthur Lanni Grandson Claudia Mormino Matthew Blake Salyer Son Ron & Cindy Salyer Peter Ruiz Son Stephanie & Michael Sweeney Ginny Buckner Daughter Mike & Meredith Buckner William "Joseph" Clarkson Son Mary Lou & Bill Clarkson Michael Carpenter Son Theresa & Vince Carpenter Ashley Scarborough Daughter Lynn & Emerson Scarborough Cole Burwell Son Cathy Joostema Cara Grace Hazell Daughter Cynthia & Tim Hazell Greg Schrieber Son Joanne & Randy Schrieber William Vincent Amirante Son Toni Amirante Kellie Hahn Daughter Claudia & Doug Campbell Nigel Ellison Son Rachel Ellison & Tony Smith Daniel Lee Winn Son Pat Winn Altman Kenny Lewis Son Mara & Jack Lewis Lori Schooley Daughter Elizabeth & Virgil Carden Mateo Rochford Son Cori & Thomas Rochford Katherine Rice Daughter Margaret Rice Caroline Kirkland Daughter Angie & Kevin Kirkland Granddaughter Steve & Cindy Kovalcik Carter Kirkland Son Angie & Kevin Kirkland Grandson Steve & Cindy Kovalcik Matthew Cossa Son Bill & Amy Cossa As long as there is time, as long as there is love, As long as I have breath to speak your name I will love you. ~ Daniel Haughin, TCF Massillon OH 11

12 The Compassionate Friends, Inc. Wake County Chapter PO Box 6602 Raleigh, NC MARCH 2015 THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS, INC. Wake County Chapter PO Box 6602 Raleigh, NC Chapter Co-Leaders: Dennis Riggs ( Chap Haddon ( Bereavement Letters: Mara Lewis ( Treasurer: Gary Yurcak ( Newsletter Editor & Membership Info: Pattie Griffin ( Website: ( Wake TCF Phone Line Cathy Joostema ( National Office Information: 1000 Jorie Blvd, Suite 140, Oak Brook, IL Toll-Free: / Ph: Website: nationaloffice@compassionatefriends.org 12