Bereavement and grief. Information for service users and carers. RDaSH. Adult Mental Health Services

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1 Bereavement and grief Information for service users and carers RDaSH Adult Mental Health Services

2 All of us will face serious loss at some time in our lives. It may not necessarily be due to the death of someone close to us; it may be because of other circumstances such as the loss of our health or our home. If someone close to you has died, you will probably experience many emotions. While everyone s response to loss is a personal, individual experience, there are some common experiences that many people will share. This leaflet has been written to help you to understand some of your feelings, to make some practical suggestions which may help you to get through this difficult time and to offer some basic details of what needs to be done when there is a death. At the back of the leaflet there are some addresses and telephone numbers of organisations which may be helpful to you. 2 Bereavement and grief Shortly after the death of a close relative or friend, you may experience: Shock Numbness Panic, or calm Being weepy, or being not able to cry at all Difficulty sleeping Physical symptoms such as heart palpitations Being able to get on with practical arrangements, or being completely unable to cope. In the months following a death, you may experience: Agitation: you may become very active at this time, cleaning, sorting and tidying. You may feel panicky and experience symptoms of anxiety such as breathlessness, palpitations, dry mouth, tingling and dizziness Odd sensations, such as thinking you saw, heard or felt your loved one near you or in the distance. These experiences are not unusual following a death Suicidal thoughts: you may ask: What s the point in going on?

3 Relief/guilt: it is common to feel relief at someone s death when suffering ends following a painful and prolonged illness. This may make you feel guilty Regret: you may go over in your mind the circumstances of the death and your relationship with the person who has died. You may wonder what you could have done differently that might have helped the situation Anger: this can be directed at your loved one for leaving you, or at family members or people involved in caring for the dying person because you feel that they could have done more. These feelings may alternate with depression, weepiness, tiredness and low mood. Recovering from bereavement Coming to terms with a death is a very gradual process which can take a long time. People usually find that gradually perhaps within a year or two - they are able to start to move on and get on with their lives, and think a little less about the person they have lost. It is quite normal to begin to recover and start to rebuild your life. Try not to feel guilty; it is not disloyal to the memory of the person who has died. How to help yourself If you have the opportunity, prepare for the death: talking things over, such as finances, and taking the chance to say everything you want to is helpful both practically and emotionally Carefully consider whether you want to see the body of your loved one. You may think that this will be too upsetting, but it is possible that you may regret it later on if you don t. There is no right or wrong answer; do what you think is best for you Try to think what you really want and what the person who has died wanted for the funeral. Don t feel pressured into a funeral that is too expensive for your budget 3

4 Give yourself time to adjust; don t make major changes in your life, such as selling your house, moving areas, or changing jobs Don t enter into new financial arrangements too soon and without proper advice Look after your own health, eat properly and get plenty of rest Don t turn to drinking to help you get over this difficult time. You may be vulnerable to physical and mental ill-health; if your health is not good, consult your doctor Talk about your feelings; don t bottle things up. Go to your doctor if you feel you have no one you can talk to. He or she may suggest speaking to a counsellor Your doctor may offer you tranquillisers to help you through the early phase following the death. These can make you feel calmer and may help you in the shortterm. However, they are not helpful for longer term use; the numbing effect of tranquillisers may not allow you to experience grief. Antidepressants can be helpful if the depression following bereavement becomes severe or prolonged. Ask for help if you feel you are stuck and are not coping with your grief You may find it hard, but try to keep up contacts and relationships; accept invitations, invite people to visit, keep in touch with family and friends or find out about local events, clubs and classes Plan what you will do on anniversaries such as birthdays, Christmas and the anniversary of the death. These are likely to be emotional times and it will help if you decide in advance how you want to spend them. How family and friends can help Other people s reactions may be difficult for you if you have been bereaved. Sometimes people will be clumsy in what they say or do. Occasionally people will avoid contact with the bereaved person, even 4 Bereavement and grief

5 crossing the street and pretending not to see them. These reactions are usually because people don t know what to say, and sometimes other people don t realise that it can take a long time to begin to recover. Those close to a bereaved person can help by: Spending time with them, if that is what the bereaved person wants Talking and listening. Don t be afraid of saying the wrong thing this is a situation many of us feel awkward about. It may help to admit that you don t know what to say. It is normal for a bereaved person to want to talk and go over the same ground again and again. Talking about the person who has died can be helpful for the grieving person, so don t try to avoid mentioning them in everyday conversation Don t take anger or hostility personally it s part of the bereavement reaction Offer practical help, such as caring for children or help with shopping Don t expect too much of the bereaved person initially, even if they look as if they are coping Include your relative or friend in social events and support them in building new links, social contact and interests Try to discourage the bereaved person from making any major decisions too soon. Support them in thinking through the options and implications If your friend or relative seems stuck and not coping, encourage them to seek help from his or her doctor, or from other organisations such as the ones listed at the back of this booklet. Practical considerations When someone dies at home, a doctor must be called to sign a medical certificate. If the death has been sudden, the doctor will have to talk to the police who will report it to the coroner. A post mortem examination may be arranged 5

6 When someone dies in hospital, the doctor there will give you a medical certificate Once you have the medical certificate, you must take it to the register office and register the death within five days. The registrar will issue a death certificate and notification of disposal, which should be given to the funeral director. Make a few copies of the death certificate. You may need these for pension and insurance purposes You can choose a funeral director before or after you have registered the death. He or she will advise on the procedures for the funeral. Most people look on the internet, in the telephone directory or ask people they know if they can recommend someone Contact your local benefits office to arrange pension and other entitlements Inform the tax office about your change in circumstances You may want to put a death 6 Bereavement and grief notice in the local or national papers Contact your solicitor. If there is a will, the executors will make sure it is carried out. If there is no will, contact the probate registry for an application to administer the estate. Your local Citizen s Advice Bureau can help you if you are not sure what to do. Further help and information CRUSE bereavement line (help line for bereaved people and those caring for bereaved people) Tel (24 hour helpline) Carer s National Association (now called Carer s UK) Glasshouse Yard, London, EC1A 4JS. Tel Samaritans Compassionate Friends (support for parents following the death of a child at any age) 53 North Street, Bristol, BS3 1EN, Tel The Cot Death Society 4 West Mills Yard, Newbury, Berkshire, RG14 5LP Tel

7 Monitor Helpline Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths Artillery House, Artillery Row, London, SW1P 1RT Tel Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society 23 Portland Place, London, W1N 3DE Tel Miscarriage Association 18 Stoneybrook Close, West Bretton, Wakefield, WF4 4TP. Tel (24 hour answer phone) Jewish Bereavement Counselling Service Visitation Committee, Woburn House, Tavistock Square, London, WC1H 0EZ. Lesbian and Gay Bereavement Project The Vaughan M. William Centre, Collindale Hospital, London, NW9 5HG Tel (7.00pm - midnight) Mind National Association of Bereavement Services 20 Norton Folgate, London, E1 6BD Victim Support Scheme National Debt Line (help for anyone in debt or concerned they may fall into debt). Tel (free phone) NHS Direct - telephone help line/ health information service. Tel Terence Higgins Trust (Aids Charity BM Aids, London, WC1N 3XX Tel (noon 10pm). Useful websites: information about mindfulness uk for wellbeing podcasts downloadable to mp3 players or burn on to CD for relaxation downloads nhs.uk/resources_info. asp?id+14 for free relaxation guide foodandmood for information about food and its impact on mood healthy minds website useful information on all aspects of mental health. 7

8 This information is correct at the time of publishing Last Reviewed: June 2012 get approved We are a smokefree organisation WZT731/DP2844/8931/06.12