PERSONAL GROWTH TECHNIQUES

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2 BEGINNING TECHNIQUES Exercise Page Introduction 7 1 Daily Time For Recovery 11 2 Cleaning House 12 3 Early Prayer 13 4 Reading Recovery Material 14 5 Call Someone 15 6 Going To Meetings 16 7 Evening Prayer 17 8 The Five Commandments - A 90 Day Check List 18 9 Maximized Thinking Retraining The Brain Beginners Bibliotherapy The One-Second Rule Prayer for Those We Objectify Looking Them In the Eyes Test Yourself Trigger Groups Where Not To Go Who I Shouldn't See Boundaries: Entertainment Boundaries: Objects Boundaries: Being Sexual With Myself Masturbation Checklist The Internet Problem Listing My Boundaries Boundaries About Boundaries Sexual Boundaries Sexual Boundaries For The Unmarried Rerouting Defensive Driving Accountability: Time Accountability: Money Step One Meetings in 90 Days Using Check-In times My Sponsor Identifying and Communicating Feelings Dangerous "E" Zones 54

3 38 Action Plan For My Feelings Avoid H.A.L.T My Worst Moment What My Addiction Cost Me Cost Card Reward Card Calling Card Turning "It" Over Relapse and Research Travel Tips 65 PERSONAL GROWTH TECHNIQUES 48 Step Two What My Addiction Gave Me Thank You Letter What My Addiction Has Taken From Me Good-bye Letter Empty Chair Grief Stages Meeting My Needs My Partner Step Three Five Years From Now: Unrecovered Picture Yourself: Unrecovered Five Years From Now: Recovering Picture Yourself: Recovering My Family and Addiction Sex Addiction In My Family My Sexual History Sex Cycles and Strategies Types of Sex Sexual Systems Sexual Assertiveness Rejection Desensitization Sex Talk Sex: Spirit, Soul and Body Sex Tips My Sex Plan Professional Counseling Read A Book on Partners/Intimacy Anorexia Step Four Step Five The Gospel Growing Up My Relationship With Dad My Relationship With Mom My Relationship With God Abuses and Neglects My Perpetrators 113

4 85 What You Did to Me Ranking My Perpetrator(s) Letter(s) To My Perpetrator(s) Step Six Step Seven The Victims How I Hurt Them Empathy Letter Self Forgiveness But God Step Eight Step Nine 125 MAINTENANCE TECHNIQUES 97 Step Ten Developing New Interests Step Eleven Step Twelve Giving It Away 132 APPENDIX 133

5 101 PRACTICAL EXERCISES Practical Exercises for Sexual Addiction Recovery has been written for sex addicts desiring techniques to assist them through the recovery process. As a psychologist, researcher, author, and lecturer on sexual addiction, I have counseled many sex addicts in my outpatient Colorado Spring's based office as well as doing three day and five day sexual addiction intensives. The exercises and principles I have compiled on the following pages have successfully helped many addicts for over 25 years begin and maintain recovery from sexual addiction. This book is laid out in chronological order of progression for addicts as they recover from sexual addiction. The journey of recovery teaches us "first things first." I encourage you not to pick and choose which exercises you will or will not do but rather receive from each exercise the insight it has to offer after you complete the exercise. This book can most certainly be used in conjunction with therapy or as part of the 12 step relationships you may develop along your journey in recovery. My hope is that you receive the precious gift of recovery and maintain it the rest of your life for your benefit and for the benefit of other loved ones. If I can be of any service along your way, feel free to visit us on the web at or write to Heart to Heart Counseling Center, P.O. Box 51055, Colorado Springs, CO or call Some of our services include books, DVD's, etc., all available electronically on our website for sexual addicts and their partners, telephone counseling and 3-5 day Intensive Workshops for individuals or couples. For more in-depth services see the Appendix of this book. We look forward to helping you. Douglas Weiss Executive Director Heart to Heart Counseling Center heart2heart@xc.org

6 101 PRACTICAL EXERCISES 11 1 DAILY TIME FOR RECOVERY Recovery, especially from sexual addiction, will probably be one of the more difficult undertakings of your life. Many sex addicts in their acting out days, have clocked in hundreds and sometimes thousands of hours repetitively conditioning themselves in a sexually addictive manner. Many have relied heavily upon their sexual acting out as a primary coping mechanism during adolescence and throughout adulthood before they begin their sexual addiction recovery. Recovery is consistent and demanding work. Remember what got you into your addiction was consistent behavior (toward the addiction). It only makes sense that consistent work is going to be a big part of recovery and reconditioning into a life of sobriety. You will need daily time set aside to complete the many exercises you will be exposed to in this book. These exercises have been proven to work but only if you take the time to do them. This is consistent with the fact that in most areas of life, what you invest into something, is also what you get out. So, whether you need to put this in your phone calendar or just sit down and have a talk with yourself or your partner, try to come up with at least minutes daily in order to work on your recovery from sexual addiction. Fifteen to thirty minutes daily will make a big difference in how long it will take you to experience recovery. This of course is not the total amount of time you will need as we will discuss later about support groups. Scheduling these meetings in your calendar will also be a very important part of your sobriety!

7 PRACTICAL EXERCISES 2 CLEANING HOUSE This exercise may be quite obvious to many sex addicts but for the benefit of those who have never read anything about sexual addiction recovery, it must be discussed. Cleaning house at the beginning of recovery will save you from the experience of keeping that "one" magazine, DVD, computer file, or open access to the internet that could possibly cause you to relapse. Many sex addicts that I have counseled with had their first relapse with "the one I didn't throw away." To prevent this event from happening, it is imperative to throw away (don't try to sell or inflict this material on anyone else) any item that could cause you to relapse. For some sex addicts, this will be a magazine, a DVD, an article of clothes or possibly a computer file. To clean house a little bit further you may want to consider cancelling cable television, internet access, magazine subscriptions or any other material that could be a threat to your sobriety during the first 90 days of your recovery. In the beginning of your recovery, it is much better to error on the side of being too cautious than to error on the side of not being cautious enough. Some of these more restrictive boundaries can be changed to be less restrictive in the future when your recovery is not as fragile as it is in the beginning. This exercise can be a great beginning for your recovery. If you feel you need help to clean house (not only where you live, but your office, car, cell phone or computer) of materials so that you don't feel pulled into acting out with hidden material, you may want to ask a friend or support group member who has some stable sobriety. Perhaps your partner could be helpful if she can be supportive through this exercise. For some sex addicts, cleaning house is a new beginning. It's a time you mark as the beginning of your journey. This is a great way to start your recovery and remove some of the possibilities for future stumbles The day I cleaned my house was

8 101 PRACTICAL EXERCISES 13 3 EARLY PRAYER 1st Commandment Prayer is something that many sexual addicts find difficult to do. This is especially true if they have been avoiding God because of the shame and guilt of their behavior or possibly what was done to them in the past. Prayer is simply a behavior that when put in place, can change the addict's disposition. We know from other addictions that an addiction is basically self will run riot. This expression of addiction is basically "doing your own thing." The first thing in the morning, take time out to pray. Prayer at this point, does not mean that you have to believe in God. It simply means to pray. When the old timers in Alcoholics Anonymous went to their meetings, they didn't say, "Well if you believe in God, pray." They said, "get on your knees and pray." If you don't believe in God, talk to Him about it. Say, "God, I don't believe in You, but I'm supposed to pray. I want to be a recovering sexual addict. Would you help me stay sober today?" From that point on, you can discuss any of your issues that you want to talk to Him about. He is able to handle the hurt, anger, fear, anxiety, and any other feelings you have kept from Him. Prayer is a way for you to behaviorally change yourself. Sexual addiction behavior for many addicts starts early in the day. Not necessarily the first thing in the morning, but maybe in the shower, on the way to work, or while driving. Prayer is preventative. It is a way of acknowledging that you are a sexual addict and are in desperate need of sobriety. Without sobriety, the addict is on a path to self destruction, not only in their own life but more than likely those around them have been devastated, either through their anger, depression or acting out behavior. The addict is in a fight every day, especially the first thirty to ninety days. The first thirty days to ninety days is the toughest period of recovery for the sexual addict so make sure you connect with God. Your prayer doesn't have to be long. Prayer may or may not make you feel better instantly, but it is one of the Five Commandments (which we will be discussing in a later exercise) that if applied to you life, you will reap the benefits. Prayer is one of the many new tools that you can have as a recovering person. The day I started to pray in the morning was

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