Supporting Grieving Students

Transcription

1 Supporting Grieving Students Strategies to Foster Resiliency in Students and Create Grief-Sensitive Schools Julie Ford Taylor, School Counselor Oregon City Schools Mindfulness Moment AFT Survey 9 in 10 children will lose someone they love before age 18 On average, an educator will interact with more than 7 grieving students each year 70% of teachers currently teach a student who has experienced a death in the past year 40% of teachers don t know what to say 69% of teachers do not talk with staff when a child is grieving 3 1

2 2012 AFT Survey 43% of teachers report that their school is more prepared for uniform violations than child grief While nearly all (94%) of educators worry about their grieving students, most (78%) feel unprepared to help Only 7% of teachers have received bereavement training 4 AFT Priority#1: Mental Health Mental health needs of students are not being met (anxiety, defiance, attention, depression, grief) Educators indicate feeling uncertain about how to handle mental health needs AFT has committed to developing educators capacity to handle childhood bereavement *This fits into ongoing work on children s social-emotional well-being and mental health AFT is addressing this: by promoting a collection of self-education materials through train-the-trainer (2015 AFT TEACH Conference) 5 Quick Quiz 6 2

3 Why Schools? Connect with students daily Integrate students with peers for social support Promote academic success Help students talk more with families One person can make a difference *Individual and Group Session help, but a Grief Sensitive Classroom can make the biggest impact. 7 Training Overview Understand developmental ways children grieve Increase comfort, competence and confidence in working with grieving children Learn best institutional practices Identify behaviors that differ from day-to-day behaviors for referrals 8 Training Agenda Awareness of stages of grief Understanding of child grief Best interpersonal practices Best institutional practices Modeling self-care 9 3

4 Understanding grieving students 10 Stages of Grief Denial: State of shock/denial; person may feel numb or appear not to care; isolation may occur Anger: Feelings of abandonment cause anger to be aimed at people or things Bargaining: thoughts of what could have been done to prevent death Depression: trouble with sleep, appetite, energy; feelings of self-pity, loneliness, emptiness, anxiety may accompany crying spells Acceptance: come to terms with death 11 Child Grief is Common Almost all children experience the death of an important person in their lives before age 18 5% of children face the death of a parent by age 16 90% of children lose a family member by age 18 40% of HS students report the death of a close friend their age You probably work with grieving children every day though their grief may seem invisible *All grieving students need acknowledgement, understanding and support. 12 4

5 Common Feelings Confusion What does death mean? Why are others acting differently toward me? What s expected of me? Why do I have strong, unfamiliar feelings? Guilt and Shame It s my fault. I wished him harm after he grounded me. If I hadn t volunteered to drive my brother to soccer, my mom wouldn t have been in the car wreck. Guilt more likely when relationship was conflicted. Shame more likely if think deceased did something bad that caused the death. 13 Factors to Consider Age (younger-regress, older-take risks) Personality Support resources Relationships with family, friends, school, community History of prior difficulties (may worsen) Type of death (violent is hardest) Relationship with the person who died Coping skills and resiliency 14 Impact of Child Grief Difficulty concentrating/focusing; distractibility Anger/aggression Comments/behaviors that seem cold or selfish Depression and anxiety Exaggerated pre-existing challenges Isolation; decreased communication Risky and immature behaviors Sleep problems *Some of these reactions can make it difficult for teachers. Patience and tolerance is needed. 15 5

6 Commonplace Behaviors 6-9 years: withdrawn, anxious, irritable, hides feelings, regressive behaviors, specific questioning for details, acting out, protective of surviving loved ones 9 12 years: shock, emotional turmoil heightened by physical changes, abandoned, anxious, fluctuating moods, acts like death never happened, change in grades years: self-conscious about grief, isolation, acts out role confusion, changes in eating pattern, impulsive and high risk behavior, fighting and arguing 16 Secondary Loss Example: Brendan s uncle regularly watched soccer games with his father, Roosevelt. Since Roosevelt died, Uncle Dee rarely visits. Example: Briana s family s financial situation changed after her mother died. She has stopped competing as a Mathlete. Example: Fong s grandmother died last year. The family had to move, forcing Fong to transfer to Pelosi Middle School. *A team approach is needed to provide support counselors, nurses, teachers, aides, bus drivers, custodians, etc. 17 Impact of Secondary Loss Decreased sense of security and safety Increased awareness that others the child loves could also die Loss of social support Loss of shared memories No one knows the child as the deceased did Change in present and plans for future Vacations, holidays Moving, new schools, loss of relationships Change in lifestyle/finances new job/ hours, loss of normal activities, college/ future plans 18 6

7 Cumulative loss Some children experience high rates of violence and need to talk about a death They do not get used to it They become more, not less, sensitized Impact: With each new loss, the need to address the topic of death grows Impact: Students exposed to violence and loss are more likely to have behavioral and emotional problems 19 Grief Process Most children move through the grieving process without major problems The grieving process does not move through fixed stages nor a set time Transitions and special events may trigger grief Supportive adults provide a great benefit Some children may also benefit from support groups or short-term counseling A grief sensitive school can have great impact 20 How are these concepts reflected in your students? FOOD FOR THOUGHT 21 7

8 Schools provide unique support 22 Why Schools? As the setting for a majority of children s days, school is familiar and supportive With training, faculty and staff can: Identify behaviors that differ from day-to-day patterns for referral Apply an understanding of children s development Provide distance from the loss Support many children at a time Actively engage families 23 Goals Connect with students on a common mental health issue with immense personal importance Integrate students with peers for social support and to decrease sense of isolation Promote academic success Help students to talk more with their families and identify any problems 24 8

9 Video Clip Video found on grievingstudents.org Conversation and Support - Talking with Children: Why You Should Reach Out to Grieving Students Grieving Students Video 1 25 Overcoming Adult Impulses We may expect children to have shallow or no responses. We want children to be OK and we tend to see them that way, underestimating needs. Children may not communicate grief through behavior or words Children may try to protect adults by avoiding the topic 26 Overcoming Adult Impulses We want to avoid a taboo subject because we are uncomfortable with possibly upsetting a child. Death itself is upsetting; talking about it is not. We want to avoid saying the wrong thing. Saying nothing is the wrong thing. *Show support, even in difficult times and with challenging subjects. 27 9

10 Overcoming Adult Impulses We want to use gentle, rather than blunt words. We avoid dead or death. Abstract and indirect terms like eternal sleep can confuse children. We want to use religious beliefs to help explain our experiences. Abstract religious beliefs can confuse children. *Use simple, direct terms to share facts about what happened in the physical body. 28 What impulses have you noticed in yourself? FOOD FOR THOUGHT 29 Strategies for providing support 30 10

11 Video Clip Video found on grievingstudents.org Conversation and Support - Talking with Children: Strategies for Starting the Conversation (6:45) Grieving Students Video 2 31 Student Challenges Feeling overwhelmed Uncertainty about the ways they would like support Desire to not stand out Feeling more comfortable with peers Worry about the possibility of being embarrassed if they reveal strong feelings 32 Respond to Challenges Initiate conversation Express genuine concern Ask open-ended questions Listen and observe Limit personal sharing Offer practical advice and reassurance Offer a private conversation Arrange connections to another adult Maintain contact 33 11

12 Be There Provide space for children to grieve, talk about death and learn new ways to communicate Avoid the impulse to alleviate pain Create opportunities for emotional expression Stop harmful or dangerous behaviors Listen more than you talk Avoid attempts to cheer up Avoid sharing personal stories Express genuine sympathy and empathy 34 Helpful Words After I heard about your father s death this weekend, I was thinking about you. How are you doing? I can only imagine how difficult this must be. Most people have strong and even unfamiliar feelings when something like this happens. What has this been like for you? What kinds of memories do you have about [person who died]? Thank you for sharing that. Will you tell me more about your experience? How is your family doing? What kinds of concerns do you have about them? * If you say nothing, you may be silently telling the student you are uncaring, insensitive, incapable, unconfident and/or disapproving. 35 Not So Helpful Words Avoid this I know just what you re going through. You must be incredibly angry [or sad, etc]. When I was your age, I lost It s important to remember the good things in life as well. You need to be strong now for your family. Because We don t know what another person is feeling without listening. It s not appropriate to tell people how to feel. Comparisons may sound like competition focus on this loss as a meaningful to the child. Children need permission to fully express their emotions; they may not excel at managing them

13 Video Clip Video found on grievingstudents.org Conversation and Support - What Not to Say Grieving Students Video 3 37 Explain What Death Is Death is irreversible. All the functions of life end completely at the time of death. Everything that is alive eventually dies. There are physical reasons someone dies. Some children may think of death as a temporary separation. Adults could reinforce this belief. Children may worry that a person who died is in pain, hungry or thirsty, afraid, lonely or sad. Children may believe that they and their loved ones will never die; they may be confused about the reason for death. Use developmentally appropriate, simple and not overly graphic language to explain the real reason a person died. Death tells us to begin to mourn. The person who died is not suffering. Another person s death is not a sign that we should feel guilty or shameful. 38 Video Clip Video found on grievingstudents.org Conversation and Support - Talking with Children: Simulated Encounters Grieving Students Video

14 Refer to Outside Services If, weeks or months after the death, you notice: Continued problems at school Aggression or other severe behaviors Excessive guilt Apathy or depression Social withdrawal and isolation Suicidal talk or behaviors Self-destructive behaviors 40 Funeral attendance Families may seek advice about children s participation in funeral services Funeral attendance usually benefits children Benefits: feeling included/affirmed; comforted by the support of others; understanding own grief as they see ways other grieve and seek/give support General tips: Explain what will happen Answer questions Offer a role and invite participation at any level desired; don t coerce Find an adult to be with each child Allow options: leave after a few minutes, play at the back of the room quietly 41 Peer support Children lack experience in providing support May be afraid to say or do the wrong thing May be uncertain about their own lives: Could my father also die? May make insensitive comments, ask repetitive or detailed questions about the death, or even tease May establish distance to cope Equip students with skills Provide basic information about what has happened Make space for questions about death, its effect on children and families, and how to be helpful Provide a safe environment to share thoughts and feelings about losses or fears Offer concrete advice and practical suggestions 42 14

15 Video Clip Video found on grievingstudents.org Conversations and Support - Peer Support Grieving Students Video 5 43 Grief Triggers Unexpected situations or comments may remind a grieving child of someone who has died, which can lead to: Outbursts of anger or sadness Uncontrollable crying Feelings of emptiness, lack of control, fear or embarrassment Inability to concentrate Frustration or disappointment ( I thought I was getting better, and now I m out of control again. ) Wishing to escape the situation 44 Anticipate Grief Triggers Common triggers: holidays, birthdays, anniversary of the person s death Songs, shows, stories, photos, smells, sounds, news reports and events may also be triggers Acknowledges absences and offer alternatives For this Father s Day activity, focus on your father or another important man in your life. Reach out when absence is noticeable (performances, sporting events, science fairs) Introduce subjects such as serious illness, accidental death, war, or violence with sensitivity 45 15

16 Video Clip Video found on grievingstudents.org Reactions and Triggers - Grief Triggers Grieving Students Video 6 46 How can we rewrite school personnel s responses to grieving children? FOOD FOR THOUGHT 47 Grief sensitive institutions 48 16

17 Classroom Practices Introduce and discuss death and grief Manage grief triggers in curriculum Identify a safe space: library, a nearby classroom, or office of counselor/nurse Provide the child with the name of an adult he or she can see when feeling upset or wishing to talk Give permission and encouragement for child to speak with school counselor, school nurse, school psychologist, or school social worker 49 Classroom Practices Set up procedures that allow student to obtain support discretely - a signal/ statement that allows student to leave the classroom. It is difficult for children to ask for help and expose their vulnerability in front of peers when they already feel overwhelmed. Allow the child to call a parent or family member if he or she feels it would help. Offer private time with a teacher to talk over feelings, questions, or other concerns. 50 Flexibility Modify student schedules and assignments Create and raise awareness of a grief sensitive space Suggestions: For 1-2 days, provide a group drop-in space to focus on memories, feelings, stages of grief, funeral and services, next steps, guilt, helpful responses, identifying others who may need help 3 counselors recommended for co-facilitation/relief Identify kids with chronic needs for one-on-one Offer private time to talk Mississippi Bend Area Education Agency, Crisis book 51 17

18 Grief Sensitive School Adjust academic requirements Forgive an assignment Help obtain a tutor Have student show learned material Give options Get administrative support Help get other teachers buy-in Transitions (next teacher, new building) School climate surveys and selfassessment tools 52 Event Logistics Funeral attendance Memorialization and Commemoration - Students should be a part of the planning. Commemoration planning is most effective at least 3 months after the crisis. Every life, no matter how short or what the cause of death, should be commemorated. - Tailor commemoration efforts fairly (*policy) No trees, plaques, assemblies (if memorial - place where students choose to go see) No shirts, bracelets or other items so no student feels alienated ( I thought I was her friend? ) Same for every student so no one is more special than others (more popular/important/loved) If sending students cards/words home, read first. 53 Video Clip Video found on grievingstudents.org Crisis and Special Circumstances - Commemoration and Memorialization Grieving Students Video

19 Self-Care: Triggers The powerful reality of a grieving child can raise thoughts, feelings and memories about the adult s own family and friends. Adult triggers: - Past personal experience with grief: greater empathy and insight, but may rekindle memories - Coping with serious illness: adult facing lifethreatening illness may become anxious about personal health while comforting a student whose family member died of an illness such as cancer - Having a friend/family member who is ill: when someone close is facing death, a student s grief may heighten worries or anticipatory grief reactions - New concerns about loved ones: even for adults not dealing with death or illness, a child s grief can be a reminder that life is fragile and uncertain 55 Self-Care: Support Support resources: professional-self-care/ Suggestions: Provide free, confidential, short-term counseling Ensure social environment encourages school staff to discuss stressful situations with supervisors and other staff Familiarize supervisors with employee assistance During school crises, use the school crisis team to help staff deal with their own grief Educator self-care: What can we change in an effort to be well? 56 Thank you! Julie Ford Taylor, Oregon City Schools jford@oregoncs.org FIND MORE RESOURCES AT