The History and Reasoning behind SA s Sobriety Definition -

Transcription

1 - The only requirement for membership in SA is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober. In defining sobriety, we do not speak for those outside of Sexaholics Anonymous. We can only speak for ourselves. Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse. In this definition, the term spouse refers to one s partner in a marriage between a man and a woman. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust. (Sexaholics Anonymous, pp , including footnote added by the author to page 192 on 15 October 2001 to clarify and affirm SA s historic sobriety definition.) SA s sobriety definition Our fellowship-wide sobriety definition and our identification of lust as the core of our problem make Sexaholics Anonymous unique among the S-fellowships (the 12-Step fellowships focused on recovery from sexual addiction). Other S-fellowships allow their members to define their own sexual sobriety. This may appeal to many as a very democratic and tolerant approach, but it doesn t work for us. The founding members of SA had tried other definitions of sobriety: sex only in committed relationships; masturbation as a healthy outlet; looking and fantasizing without acting out; anonymous sex so nobody gets hurt; and many others. These other definitions of sobriety may work for some who identify as sex addicts, but they did not work for those who called themselves sexaholics. It is important to note that these early SA members, who voted unanimously to adopt SA s sobriety definition represented all aspects of our addiction, including married, single, opposite-sex and same-sex attracted. Although SA s sobriety definition has been consistent from the beginning, periodically throughout our history some individuals and groups have argued in favor of changing it. Instead of affiliating with an S-fellowship consistent with their personal philosophies, they attempted to change SA. Thankfully, our tradition of placing principles before personalities (Tradition 12) and our tradition of staying out of outside political and cultural issues (Tradition 10) have always prevailed. Most SA members assume that our definition of sexual sobriety is understood and accepted by all who attend our meetings. Most SA groups read our sobriety definition at the beginning of every meeting. Many members who initially have reservations about our stand on sobriety find that through working the SA program of recovery they become able to accept our sobriety definition. Some, however, do not. We do not debate or seek to change anyone s mind; everyone has a right to their own beliefs. But we do encourage everyone to affiliate according to their own conscience and preference. SA is not for everyone who needs it; SA is for those who want it. Page 1

2 The meaning of SA s sobriety definition has been absolutely consistent from the beginning. As stated above, SA s definition of sobriety was the only thing that worked for our founding members, including those who were single and those with same-sex attraction or who considered themselves gay or bi-sexual but wanted the traditional, legal, heterosexual spouse definition. The meaning of our definition was discussed and affirmed at early SA business meetings, and is reflected in all SA literature. Even the other S-fellowships clearly understood our definition. In the early years of SA, discussions regarding potential collaboration with SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) were broken off by SAA due to what they called philosophical differences. They clearly understood SA s sobriety definition. Since the formation of SA, the sobriety definition has been a given. It is not subject to a vote any more than AA s sobriety definition is. When some people attempted to argue for an interpretation of spouse as I understand spouse, Roy added the Cleveland Clarification to make sure everyone understood the originally intended, documented, agreed-to, affirmed, and consistent meaning of spouse that of a partner in a marriage between a man and a woman. This clarification is even more helpful today, as societies and governments change their definitions regularly. Several times in SA history, groups who argued with sincere conviction for a broadened definition of sobriety came to understand SA s position; recognized that in-truth they were not SA; and disaffiliated from SA. They went on to join or form other S-fellowships (SRA, LA). SA s sobriety definition is what makes SA what it is. The principles embodied in our definition permeate all of Roy K. s writings writings that form the foundation of SA s unique fellowship. Other S- fellowships (SAA, SLAA) already exist where members may define their own sobriety, where same-sex and committed relationships can be called sober. These fellowships understand our definition and often send people to us who they think will be better served by SA. Sexaholics who need SA s sobriety definition have nowhere else to go. SA includes many single members who understand that they need our sobriety definition in order to stay sober and experience recovery from our addiction. We realize this is counter-cultural and is considered impossible by many people outside of our fellowship. But as Roy K. encouraged us, SA offers a Solution to this impossible malady. Recovery from lust is possible! Sex is optional! We need not act on any temptation, if we can establish and maintain a fit spiritual condition. That s what the 12 Steps are intended to do. In the same way, SA includes many members who experience same-sex attraction, who also want sobriety as we define it. In fact, it has been those very members who have been at the forefront of defending SA s historical definition of sobriety. One member writes Page 2

3 I was part of the "team" that in May 1998, along with SA founder Roy K, put forward the challenge to those members promoting the "spouse as you understand spouse" concept in the SANET meeting and elsewhere within the fellowship. This challenge eventually led to the Cleveland Statement in July Half that team, including myself, were same-sex attracted. Prominent amongst the intergroups that pushed for a clarification of the Sobriety Definition were same-sex attracted members. As same-sex attracted members, we knew the SA we had joined and needed. We knew that the proposed spouse as you understand spouse version of SA would not be helpful to our recovery. Without a firm and clear bottom line, our "cunning, baffling, and powerful" sexaholism takes over sooner or later. (Sexaholics Anonymous p2) The spouse as you understand spouse concept was neither firm nor clear! I had been one of the founding members of Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) in my country. I could no longer in conscience carry their message. In 1992 I left SAA along with two other same-sex attracted men to start SA in my city. We needed a fellowship that completely ruled out all same-sex behavior. That is what we found in SA. That is what helped us get sexually sober. For many years that has been the story of myself and others in SA: a story that would not belong in the different SA being advocated. I have no other fellowship to go to. So where do I, and others like me, go without SA exactly as it is? No one has ever been able to answer this question satisfactorily. We realize that some sexually addicted singles and same-sex attracted people do not want SA sobriety, and we are grateful that other S-fellowships exist for them. We ask for their understanding and tolerance towards those of us who need SA sobriety. In today s world, those of us seeking SA sobriety are often ridiculed, marginalized, and demonized. SA is our only sanctuary from a world that denigrates the very principles that keep us alive. Personal recovery depends on SA unity (Tradition One). A threat to the spirit of unity in our meetings is a threat to our sobriety, recovery, and very lives. We want you to understand this. SA is not for everybody who needs it; it s for those who want it. (Roy K., Newsletter 20Aug84, p4.) Throughout SA history, the end of all debate on this issue has been informed by our First Tradition, the spiritual principle of unity. Accounts from SA business meetings and General Delegate Assembly meetings where this topic has been passionately discussed tell of a final spirit of unity that prevailed as participants ultimately affirmed our sobriety definition. The essential spirit of recovery in SA meetings is critically dependent on unity. Fellowship with our brothers and sisters in SA the group support without which we cannot recover can only exist when we are trudging the same path. While groups may stay together without a shared commitment to SA sobriety, we have found that no true spiritual unity is possible in such groups. Philia (true friendship or brotherly love ) is only possible when people share a common purpose. One SA shared his experiences of a group where members defined their own sobriety. Page 3

4 At one meeting, a member was celebrating his one-year anniversary of joining the group. I m still acting out, but now I don t feel so bad about myself, he shared. Other members lauded his accomplishment. I was horrified. Was that the goal of this group to feel better about themselves? I knew that if I ever stopped feeling bad about acting out, there would be no hope of recovery for me. I didn t want a program that helped me feel better; I wanted a program that helped me do better! At another meeting, a member who experienced the very same lust temptations and acting out history as me shared, Well, I cheated on the wife again last night. But since I didn t pay for it, I m not going to re-set my sobriety date. It was the very last meeting of that fellowship that I attended. I didn t dispute his right to seek whatever kind of sobriety he wanted, but I couldn t sit next to him and pretend we were on the same path. I knew I needed SA s sobriety definition and that nothing else would work for me. And I needed to be with others who were seeking the same sobriety. Even those who wish to change SA s sobriety definition usually want unity. Both sides bemoan what they see as two messages within the fellowship. In the end, tolerance is not enough. One member shared the following experience. A newcomer came to our meeting. He had found our local website and called our hotline, so all of us assumed that he understood SA s sobriety definition. We also read it at the beginning of every meeting. However, it wasn t until after the meeting, as we discussed recovery, that he finally heard the marriage between a man and a woman part. Although a group of us had been enjoying a very friendly conversation with him up until then, he immediate stepped back aghast. Oh, I don t belong here. This isn t safe for me, he stated. I found it curious that he used those words not safe. The group had been as gracious and supportive as they are for every newcomer. We subsequently described SA s view on lust and same-sex attraction and encouraged him to come to a few more meetings to see what he thought. He never came back. He wasn t looking for tolerance he was looking for a group that would support his chosen belief system. He wanted unity with his philosophy. The SA White Book powerfully summarizes our position. Our definition of sobriety represents, for us, the basic and necessary condition for lasting freedom from the pain that brought us to SA. We have found that nothing else works. When we have tried to deny what our common experience has taught us, we have found that recovery still eludes us. And this seems to be true whether we are male or female; married or single; whether our acting out was with the same or opposite sex; whether our relationships were "committed," "meaningful," or one-night stands; or whether we just resorted to a little sex with self as a "physical outlet." As the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous learned over fifty years ago, "half-measures availed us nothing"! We have a solution. We don't claim that it's for everybody, but for us, it works. If you identify with us and think you may share our problem, we'd like to share our solution with you. (Sexaholics Anonymous, p.2) Page 4

5 Answers refuting some of the common arguments made in favor of changing SA s sobriety definition Argument: Same-sex marriage is now legal in some states. Answer: SA is a spiritual entity that operates within legal guidelines. The legal guidelines have no bearing on our sobriety definition. There are numerous examples of behavior that, while legal, violate SA's sobriety definition, so the legality of something has no bearing whatsoever on whether SA considers it sober. In a state where same-sex marriages are legal, any opposition to same-sex marriage must be relying on a religious definition of marriage, rather than a legal one. And SA claims to not be allied with any sect, denomination, organization, or institution. SA s sobriety definition existed before states began legalizing same-sex marriages. The state s actions were motivated by a concern for civil rights; SA s actions are motivated by a concern for sexaholics recoveries. SA does not oppose same-sex marriages, open marriages, polygamous marriages, or any other type of marriage legal or not. We have simply defined that for us the only relationship within which non-addictive (non-obsessive, non-compulsive) sex is possible is a traditional, legal, heterosexual marriage. Nothing else that our founders attempted worked. And nothing else works for us. SA is not allied with any institution, including state and federal governments, therefore decisions made by state or federal governments regarding what is legal are not relevant to our sobriety definition. Every single acting-out behavior is legal somewhere. SA s sobriety definition discriminates against a homosexual population who may suffer from sexual addiction. SA is not for everyone who needs it. SA is for those who want it. SA also discriminates against people in committed relationships, people who think masturbation is a healthy release, people who believe sex between two consenting adults is fine as long as they aren t paying for it, people who want to continue acting out except in illegal ways, people who believe pornography is fine, and many other people who do not want SA sobriety. The SA sobriety definition was developed by people trying to find a way to save their lives, not trying to find a way to save the world. Sexaholics need SA s sobriety definition in order to get and stay sober. Page 5

6 Excluding gays is not fair, because they were born that way. All respected studies show that being gay is not a matter of choice. We are not sure that all respected studies show that being gay is not a matter of choice. That sounds like an outside issue, so we take no position on it. As addicts, we fully understand about something not being a matter of choice. We are constituted such that we are powerless over lust. Some of us want to have sex with multiple women. That s who we are. We may have been born that way. It s not a matter of choice for us. But, the 12 Steps allow us to not act on those temptations. Others can have all the sex they want. We can t. That s not fair. It is just our reality. We need SA and its sobriety definition in order to live lives free of the obsession and compulsion caused by our disease. One of Roy K. s spiritual mentors writes, God requires of us what He created us unable to do without His help. In other words, an addict (and maybe everyone else) is born unable to do God s will without His help. We are created to live happily and successfully in relationship with our creator and in no other way. We addicts cannot simply say God made me this way, so it must be OK. The 12 Step program is intended to produce a spiritual awakening, where we can actually in relationship with our God call on His power to carry out His will. This is the Solution to our impossible addiction. But it s not the same. You still get to have sex with your spouse. They don t. This argument seems to suggest that the goal of sobriety is to get to have sex with our spouse that sex is necessary for true happiness. That s not what SA believes. In recovery, sex is optional. Many of us indeed come into SA hoping that recovery means better sex with my spouse. That s because we are sexaholics. Before finding these rooms, our primary goal in life has been sex. In recovery, we find that sex is just one small part of life not a life-sustaining requirement like food and oxygen, and not even a necessary requirement for good, loving marriages. And what can be said of many (SA) members who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have a family life? At first many of these feel lonely, hurt, and left out as they witness so much domestic happiness about them. If they cannot have this kind of happiness, can (SA) offer them satisfactions of similar worth and durability? Yes whenever they try hard to seek them out. Surrounded by so many (SA) friends, these so-called loners tell us they no longer feel alone. In partnership with others women and men they can devote themselves to any number of ideas, people, and constructive projects. Free of marital responsibilities, they can participate in enterprises which would be denied to family men and women. We daily see such members render prodigies of service, and receive great joys in return. (adapted from AA s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p.120) The fact that marrieds can have sex with their spouse and call themselves "sober" is no advantage at all. It can even work against recovery. Some marrieds confess that even though they aren't "acting out" any more, victory over lust still eludes them. As a matter of fact, it often seems harder for marrieds to get victory over lust and dependency unless they go through the experience of total sexual abstinence. (Sexaholics Anonymous p.192) Page 6

7 Recovery from sexual addiction is enhanced by interaction with different genders, different ethnic backgrounds, different religious backgrounds, and different sexual orientations. Tradition 1 states that our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on SA unity. In a letter to the Fellowship on this topic, Roy K. reminds us of a warning from a wise historical figure, Without a vision, the people cast off restraint. People seeking different goals or different definitions of sobriety can severely detract from group unity. The common spirit of a group or meeting is compromised when members are trudging different paths of recovery from sexual addiction. The Cleveland Clarification was the result of a group of politically conservative, religious people trying to change SA s definition to suit their beliefs. We are saddened that revisionist history like this is sometimes spread by those trying to force SA to change its sobriety definition. There exists overwhelming documented evidence that SA s sobriety definition has always excluded committed relationships and same-sex marriage. (Earliest Hollywood SA meetings; Dear Abby letter; 1 st SA Conference, ; Newsletter ; interaction with SAA, reported in first Essay, ; Just What is the SA Program?, Essay ; Phoenix Convention business meeting, ; New York City split, described in Essay ; and the Cleveland Convention, to name a few.) The clarification was only added because some activist members wanted to interpret our definition differently than it had always been intended. Those who contributed to the development of the Cleveland Statement were a diverse mix of members, religiously and politically, and included numerous members with same-sex attraction. In April 2000, in response to the Cleveland Statement, the following letter was sent to SA s Board of Trustees and General Delegate Assembly. It was signed by sixty-six SA members from the US, Canada, Australia, Singapore, Spain, Brazil, and El Salvador. We write as SA members for whom same-sex lust and/or behavior has been a major part of our sexaholism. Your actions in Cleveland to clarify SA sobriety in unambiguous terms have provided comfort and security to many of us. Some of us could find little support for our goal of sobriety until we came into SA. Some of us joined SA because it ruled out same-sex behavior as sober. Some of us have boundaries which mean we could not be part of a fellowship where same-sex behavior is considered sober. Some of us initially approached SA sobriety with resistance or reluctance, only later to appreciate its value. All of us thank you for your clear affirmation of SA sobriety. We thank you for saying that SA will remain the safe haven it has become for us. Page 7

8 As our culture changes, SA needs to change with it or we risk becoming irrelevant. Preferences change. Attitudes change. Laws change. Emotions change. Governments change. Politics change. People change (thank God!). Truth does not change. A definition of sobriety that changes with the changing times, is just how our lives worked before recovery! Again, without a firm and clear bottom line, our cunning, baffling, and powerful sexaholism takes over sooner or later. (Sexaholics Anonymous p.2) We should be able to vote as a membership on what we want our sobriety definition to be. Our sobriety definition is not subject to a vote any more than AA s definition is. The fellowship-wide survey conducted in 1990 was not a vote it was intended to determine the membership s interpretation/understanding of our original definition. Sadly, since the results of that survey showed that a majority of SA members understood that the word spouse had always meant traditional, legal, and heterosexual marriage partner, many argued that no clarification was required. Some change-advocates interpreted the survey results and subsequent arguments that no clarification was needed to mean that the fellowship did not want the clarification, so that we could all interpret spouse as we wished. This is simply not what the data showed! The resulting confusion ultimately confirmed to Roy that he needed to add the clarification to the White Book, so that everyone would know what was always intended. SA s sobriety definition is what makes SA what it is. Turning SA into SAA or SLAA or SCA or SRA or whatever serves no purpose, as those fellowships already exist. Members or groups who find they cannot accept SA s sobriety definition can disaffiliate from SA and affiliate with any of those fellowships. There is a requirement for membership in SA the desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober, and SA defines what is meant by sexually sober. If we do not desire SA sobriety, we do not meet the membership requirements. If we are not members, we cannot vote on any motions in any SA business meeting. Can t we just remove the clarification from the White Book and let people interpret the definition however they please? The reasons we believe the current definition, with the clarification, is necessary for our recovery have been documented above. Furthermore, the SA fellowship does not own the copyright for the White Book. The copyright of Roy K. s literature is held by an intellectual property trust, whose trustees are dedicated to maintaining the integrity of his writings. Therefore, the White Book cannot be altered. Page 8