My Love Map. What is a Love Map?

Transcription

1 My Lve Map What is a Lve Map? The term Lve Map was riginally cined by Dr. Jhn Mney in his wrk with male and female gender identity. He said Frm the mment they re brn, infants start frming a Lve Map a grup f messages encded in the brain. Our early caretaker s persnality and treatment (psychlgical) and their appearance (physical) will leave indelible imprints in ur brain. This affect hw we think, feel and respnd t thers in ur wrld. Early intimate experiences, including trauma, abuse, affectin, rejectin, sensuality, sexuality and lve styles, influence what we later find desirable, interesting, appealing and sexy. Yes, the media can affect us and make us temprarily lust after smene wh des nt fit ur internal lve map, but we will nt create a lng-lasting passinate relatinship withut engaging ur lve map. SEXUAL PREFERENCE LOVE MAP Dr. Mney, authr f the bk Lve Maps, talks abut lve maps in terms f sexual activity, sexual expressins, sexual desires and cravings. He says that psitive lve maps can develp in emtinally healthy hetersexual r LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender) individuals and vandalized lvemaps will negatively affect an individual s sexuality. An internal lve map can be vandalized in many ways frm utright sexual abuse t mre subtle frms f sensual and sexual manipulatin, repressin, humiliatin, shaming, rejectin, and bjectifying. Mney, Jhn: Lve Maps: Clinical Cncepts f Sexual/Ertic Health and Pathlgy, Paraphilia, and Gender Transpsitin in Childhd, Adlescence and Maturity (Baltimre, Irvingtn publishers, 1986) The Sund Relatinship Huse AND LOVE MAP Dr. Jhn Gttman, wrld famus lve relatinship and marriage researcher, invites us t build lve maps which he describes as a methd fr getting t knw yur partner s inner wrld. Seen as the fundatin fr friendship and intimacy, the first level f the huse is t build lve maps. He invites cuples t ask and answer questins that help them t understand their partner s thinking, desires, dreams, experiences, hpes and strategies fr cping with life issues. He has actually created a set f Lve Map pen-ended questin cards t help cuples cnnect emtinally and increase intimacy in a

2 fun and gentle way. He als created a Lve Map app, a fun set f questins t help partners get t knw each ther better. Dr. Gttman teaches cuples t build a Sund Relatinship Huse. Image fund in a pst by Ellie Lisitsa at the Gttman Relatinship Blg 1. Nurture the Friendship by building lve maps, sharing admiratin and caring, and turning twards each ther instead f away 2. Maintain a Psitive Perspective 3. Manage Cnflict let yur partner influence yu, discuss prblems, self-sthe 4. Hnr Each Other s Life Dreams Help them t cme true 5. Create shared meaning, sense f purpse 6. Build Trust Make that a pririty, put yur partner s well-being first, build trust in small things, avid negative cmparisns, cherish yur partner s gd qualities in thughts and actins. Gttman, Jhn and Nan Silver: The Seven Principles fr Making Marriage Wrk: A Practical Guide frm the Cuntry s Fremst Relatinship Expert (New Yrk: Three Rivers Press, 1999) Relatinship Drive AND MOTIVATION Daniel Pink, in his bk Drive: The Surprising Truth Abut What Mtivates Us (2011,, teaches us abut what it takes t develp mtivatin t succeed in business. I have applied his research findings t relatinships. We need t AMP up ur relatinships. A = Autnmy Find a way t maintain yur sense f self and reach ut t each ther frm a place f strength, independence and mutual interdependence. D nt just give yurself away in thse early stages f infatuatin because it becmes real difficult t get yurself back t being yu.

3 M = Mastery Study, learn and develp relatinship skills that will sustain yu during the tugh times, the difficult mments, the temprary thughts f breaking up and leaving. Mastery is a gal that can never quite be attained s we cntinue t strive t d ur best and t keep learning and imprving with practice, experimenting and creating new experiences. P = Purpse Knw yur purpse fr being in the relatinship, understand what brings ut yur passin in life, and find ways t nurture the passin and life purpse f bth yu and yur partner. Pink, Daniel: Drive: The Surprising Truth Abut What Mtivates Us (Riverhead Bks, 2009) LOVE PROTOTYPES Marriage and family researcher, Beverley Fehr (1988) fcused n hw individuals assess and evaluate different basic aspects f lve which she terms lve prttypes, central as ppsed t peripheral features f lve that becme mre imprtant as lve prgresses. Her research, cmparing experts views and the average nn-expert s views f lve, revealed that the average persn regards friendship lve and familial lve as mre familiar than passinate lve (e.g. infatuatin). Accrding t Fehr s research, the tp 12 aspects f lve are listed belw in rder f imprtance. As yu read this list, decide if yu wuld add any additinal attributes r delete any f thse listed fr yur wn lve prttype. 1. Trust 2. Care 3. Hnesty 4. Friendship 5. Respect 6. Desire t Prmte Well-Being f the Other 7. Lyalty 8. Cmmitment 9. Acceptance Withut Wanting t Change the Other 10. Supprt 11. Desire t be in the Other s Cmpany 12. Cnsideratin f and Interest in the Other

4 MY INTERNAL LOVE MAP DIFFERENT WAYS TO BUILD A LOVE MAP 1. Time Perid Markers Decades, 5 Year Intervals, 1 Year/Mnthly/Weekly/Daily Intervals 2. Peple Markers Significant individuals wh had a strng influence upn the way yu lve 3. Event Markers Started Talking, Rde Bicycle, Cnfirmatin, Bar Mitzvah, Graduatins, Jbs, Prmtins, First Kiss, First sexual experience, Breakups 4. Lcatin Markers Hme, Family, Wrk, Vacatin, Partner s Lcatins 5. Emtinal Markers Felt desire, shared pleasure, frustrated, rejected, betrayed, lved, cnfused, unsatisfied 6. Lve Prttype Markers Desired traits and actins f thers 7. Questins and Respnses Discvering details f yu and yur partner s thughts, experiences, needs, desires and interests LOVE LOCATION MARKERS Yur internal lve map des nt fcus n any specific relatinship. This is an internal visual map f YOU yur thughts, experiences, memries, needs, desires, hpes, dreams, emtinal landscape and persnal preferences. Yu are nt actually creating yur internal lve map. It is already slidly in place. What yu are ding is develping a visual representatin f yur internal thughts, feelings, memries, desires, hpes, fears and dreams f lve, sexuality and intimate cnnectin. T create the mst cmplete Lve Map we will attempt t include mst f the aspects listed abve. The easiest way t begin is t chse a time perid marker. If yu are yung, in yur teens r early 20 s, yu may chse t fcus n 1 r 2 year intervals. If yu are in yur 30 s r 40 s, it may be easier t fcus n 5 year intervals. And if yu are in yur 50 s, 60 s and beynd, yu will prbably find it beneficial t fcus n 10 year intervals/decades, as yu lk back and review yur significant life events. Dwnlad yur Lve Map Timeline make several cpies

5 BUILDING YOUR INTERNAL LOVE MAP CREATE SEPARATE TIMELINES, ONE FOR EACH ASPECT OF LOVE IN YOUR LIFE Significant Peple Significant Events Significant Lcatins Emtinal Impact First, fcus n NOW, right nw in yur lve life. Label and fill in 4 separate timelines as listed belw. On each timeline, abve the line place the aspects f lve (peple, events, lcatins, impact) yu perceive as psitive and belw the line place the aspects f lve yu perceive as negative. 1. Label ne timeline The mst significant peple in my lve life nw 2. Label ne timeline The mst significant events in my lve life nw 3. Label ne timeline Lcatins f peple and events in my lve life nw 4. Label ne timeline Emtinal Impact f the significant peple and events in my life nw Lay all 4 timelines n a table and ask yurself these questins: 1. Hw culd lve be better than this? 2. What peple, events, lcatins and emtins need t change nw t create mre lve? 3. What peple, events, lcatins and emtins can I let g f and release t create mre lve? 4. What can I d nw t create mre lve in my life? Repeat the abve prcess fr each earlier time perid in yur life. Create separate timelines fr the significant peple in that time perid, the significant events in that time perid, the lcatins f the peple and events in that time perid, and the emtinal impact the peple and events had upn yur lve life in thse time perids.

6 Fr a given time perid lay all 4 timelines n a table and ask yurself these questins: 1. Hw culd lve have been better than this? 2. What peple, events, lcatins and emtins helped me t feel lve and t create mre lve? 3. What peple, events, lcatins and emtins caused me t restrict my lve then and nw? 4. Hw culd I have created mre lve in my life in spite f what happened in my past? After reviewing yur past thrugh yur sets f timelines, return yur fcus t the present time, NOW. Right nw, hw can yu begin t create lasting and fulfilling lve in all f yur relatinships? Creating timelines and filling in the details is well wrth the effrt THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO CREATE JOYFUL LOVE When yu have cmpleted the prcess yu will have a full understanding f yur wn Lve Map the early influences and influencers, the events and lcatins f thse events, and the emtinal impact that remains in yur subcnscius tday. And then yu have the fundatin t help yu release what n lnger serves yur lve interest and add new perspectives, emtins and habits t create lve that lasts and brings yu jy in all yur relatinships. JOIN THE LOVE CHALLENGE It takes abut 30 days t develp a new habit pattern. Yur brain needs time t receive new infrmatin, srt, distribute and cnnect the infrmatin t what yu already knw, perceive and believe. New synapses r brain cnnectins frm as yu study, learn and develp new cncepts, ideas and eventual beliefs. Lve is a habit. The way yu lve has develped as yur received and respnded t peple and events frm the mment f yur birth and prbably while yu were still in yur mther s wmb. Yur lve habit, yur internal lve map, has been develping fr decades. It cannt be easily changed but it is nt set in stne. It CAN be altered. Yu can vercme and change ld beliefs that n lnger serve yu in

7 yur current life. Yu CAN re-train yur brain and allw yur heart energy t keep yu in balance. Yu can learn t lve in a way yu never thught pssible. But there is ne caveat. Yur lve habit is s deeply entrenched in yur attitudes, beliefs and behavirs that yu prbably will nt be able t make even subtle changes withut sme help. The 30 Day Lve Challenge can and will shake up yur beliefs and help yu t start thinking differently. The wisdm f the ages is available t yu, simplified, rganized and presented in small increments f infrmatin. And in each lessn yu are reminded t answer sme persnal questins that help yu t fcus n yu and t lve yurself mre fully. Dwnlad Yur Lve Map Template and this pdf. Just prvide yur name and s that yu will be ne f the first t knw when the cart pens fr the upcming 30 Day Lve Challenge. Dn t miss ut n the special pricing and the bnuses available fr thse wh jin the challenge as sn as it pens. Once the actual 30 day challenge begins, the cart will clse until the fllwing challenge which may be several mnths r mre frm nw. Are yu serius abut wanting t create lve and lving relatinships in yur life? Then dn T hesitate. Jin The lve challenge when it pens. I lk frward t sharing with yu the lve wisdm f the ages and s much mre. I knw yur heart will pen and all yur friends and family and clleagues will quickly see the difference in yu. Warmly, Dr. Erica