When I m Angry. Presented by: Diane Wagenhals, M.Ed., CFLE Website:

Transcription

1 When I m Angry Presented by: Diane Wagenhals, M.Ed., CFLE Website:

2 Course Goals We expect to help participants: Become more clear and more confident regarding the three major styles of conflict resolution Become more aware of personal values, beliefs around and experiences with anger Become more aware of ways anger can be outwardly expressed Be prepared and intentional by utilizing specific steps to respond effectively to anger

3 Conflict Resolution Be highly self-aware and intentional. Begin with the end in mind. (Stephen Covey) Three major styles (Dadds, Atkinson, Turner, Blums and Lendich) ~ Attacking: being verbally or physically threatening ~ Avoiding: withdrawing, becoming cool or distant ~ Addressing: discussing and negotiating, fair resolve

4 Critical Nevers Educators should never: embarrass, coerce or in any way pressure students to participate force students to participate in personal survey questions disclose responses students have made privately to personal survey questions force students to publicly disclose their responses to personal survey questions instruct students to close their eyes and remember a negative experience involving anger

5 Got Anger? ACE It! A = Assess the situation C = Choose which option might be most helpful E = Execute the decision well A quick process repeated over and over until the emotional aspect of anger has been lessened and those involved are ready to more calmly address their needs, issues, feelings, concerns and perspectives

6 Four Possible Anger Situations As you respond to anger, keep in mind that the focus can be: When I am the angry person When someone s anger is directed toward me When I am angry at someone and he or she is also angry with me When I am supporting someone who is experiencing anger that is not directed toward me

7 Assessment Grid As educators become more effective in their management of anger they will be able to clarify when, why and how best to respond to anger. As part of this process we suggest educators develop a personal grid of questions that will allow them to recognize their choices and will ultimately allow them to make healthy decisions when dealing with anger issues.

8 Assessment Grid What might the cause of my anger be? What do I want to be certain I do (and do not do)? What do I need? How reasonable are my needs? What am I expecting? On what am I basing those expectations? Where is my power? Where don t I have power? What are my responsibilities? More possible areas to assess.

9 What might be the cause of my anger? Remember that anger can be thought of as both a symptom and a signal. Possible or probable underlying causes of the anger are really the heart of the situation. Ask yourself: What are objective facts of situation? What about this situation seems unfair, dangerous, confusing? What trigger thoughts am I having? What do I believe is true about myself, the other person, the situation?

10 What do I want to be certain to do (and not do)? Thought process could include: I want to remain clear that if I take the time to regroup, focus, gain clarity I can bring myself back to being in charge I do not have to permit an Amygdala hijacking. I can be in charge of my brain and what happens. I want to be sure I am in my cortex (thinking part of the brain). I do not want to damage another person s emotional health or our relationship. I want to walk away knowing I preserved my personal integrity.

11 What do I need? How reasonable? Often by assessing needs, I can understand the situation more clearly. I can differentiate between legitimate needs and things that are more wants. If my needs are real and reasonable and not being met, I may need to reevaluate how they can adequately be met.

12 What do I expect? Based on? So often anger is about disappointment. This in turn is linked to expectations. What specifically did I believe should or should not have happened? On what did I base those beliefs? Am I ascribing motives because I think I know what others can and cannot do? Am I assuming they have hidden agendas to hurt or disrespect me? What might be a better or more fair set of expectations based on solid approaches to understanding people, especially children?

13 Where is my power? There are some things within my power here and some that are not. I need to address those things I have power over. I have the power to think clearly about my choices and how to best execute the one I choose. I have the power to engage my creative self as I manage my anger and the power to seek other resources if I cannot come up with options. I can choose which approach to use: attack, avoid or address. I have the power to behave in a calm, respectful way.

14 Where don t I have power? Just as I have power in some areas, there are things I have little or no power over. I cannot force someone else to agree with me, to see and appreciate my perspective. There are some things that once done cannot be undone. Some things are facts and realities and getting upset about these serves no purpose. I need to refocus on what I can do and move away from putting energy into what I cannot do.

15 What are my responsibilities? What have I agreed to do? What is fair that I be held accountable for doing or not doing? Why am I accepting this responsibility? If it is not mine then I do not need to put a lot of energy into it other than perhaps to understand the dynamics of the situation and help if that seems appropriate.

16 More Possible Areas to Assess If time permits to assess at a deeper level, you can look at your behavior as it relates to your level of emotional health and relational health. How emotionally healthy am I right now? What do I need to address to protect and increase my emotional health? How healthy is this relationship right now? What is my internal language like?

17 Additional Questions We recommend incorporating the following additional questions when dealing with anger directed at a child. What aspects of child development might be contributing to the situation? What do I want to intentionally model to this child as I manage my angry feelings? What messages do I want to transmit about being an effective, caring educator who can manage anger in healthy ways?

18 Additional Questions We recommend incorporating the following additional questions when dealing with anger directed at you by someone else. Is there any danger (actual or potential) that I could be hurt by this person? How well do I know this person? To what extent does what this person is angry about seem legitimate? Which of the original questions might help me assess this situation?

19 Mechanics of Choice There are several ways to approach and apply choice when assessing the situation. Determine which of the four possible situations is involved. Consider the various categories of choices under the particular situation. Use the Choice categories to create a specific plan. Execute the plan. Assess how well the execution is going. Assessment may lead to making more/different choices.

20 Category of Choices When I Am Angry Exiting, physically or mentally (if I am in danger). Using a pre-established mantra or cue to help maintain or return to a calmer state. Methodically collect factual data about the situation. Assess (and reassess if needed) the possible causes of anger (trigger thoughts, distortions). Taking time to empathize, consider the needs, feelings and perspectives of others. Deciding if and how I might vent my anger. Using I-Messages to let others involved know my perspective, needs, values, concerns, requests.

21 Category of Choices When I Am Angry Using internal I-Messages to gain further perspectives Determine necessary outcomes to achieve adequate resolution Deciding which of the following is most reasonable and appropriate: let go, take charge, shift to problem exploration Reviewing and evaluating process to ensure integrity is being preserved

22 Category of Choices When I Am Angry Acknowledging my part in the problem. Reassuring anyone of unconditional love that overrides any feelings of anger. Asking for forgiveness. Offering forgiveness. Discussing the overall process with all involved.

23 Intentional Choice: To Vent or Not To Vent? From an intentional position of strength and selfcontrol based on intentional assessment, people experiencing anger can decide if and to what extent to vent anger or other emotions. They can decide to vent their angry expressions toward the target of their anger, to vent alone or to someone else entirely. Even as they are venting they can eventually gain a better understanding of the situation and become creative about responding in healthy, constructive ways.

24 Choices When I am the Target of Someone s Anger First assessment is critical because it determines which set of choices a person is dealing with. If I don t know the person and therefore don t know if they are dangerous or volatile, my choice has to be to proceed with extreme caution and have an exit plan in place.

25 Choices When I am the Target of Someone s Anger If I know the person and they tend to be unreasonable, are attacking or are in any way dangerous, my choices are to: ~ Exit! ~ If that is not an option, be conciliatory, contrite, submissive. ~ Respond with respectful statements to de-escalate the tension. ~ Mentally make a plan for retreating. ~ Do whatever I can to avoid a confrontation. ~ If confrontation is inevitable, do whatever I have to do to survive.

26 Choices When I am the Target of Someone s Anger If I am certain I am not in danger, the list expands with the goal to diffuse emotionality and engage the cortex: ~ Listen respectfully. ~ Apologize for part of the person s anger I decide is reasonable. ~ Assertively set limits if person is overstepping bounds. ~ Cautiously use confrontational logic. ~ Affirm the other person s right to confront and appreciate their feelings and needs. ~ Encourage a problem exploration process.

27 Choices When I Am Angry With Someone Who is Angry With Me Consider a confrontation which can be on the continuum of more destructive or more healthy Establish and adhere to a set of ground rules to insure safety and promote a constructive process such as: ~ No verbal or physical attacks. ~ Respect opinions and perspectives of each other. ~ Allow each other opportunity to speak. ~ Listen carefully to each other. ~ Stop the process if conversation becomes hostile. ~ If necessary involve a mediator.

28 Choices When Supporting Someone Who is Not Angry With Me Mentally sort facts from opinions. Listen for feelings, needs, values, beliefs, and expectations. Consider the emotional health of the other person. Consider the degree of relational health between the people involved. Decide potential benefits of verbalizing these observations. Affirm successes, intentions, and potentials. Explore and confront inaccuracies, unfairness, unhealthy trigger thoughts, and distortions.

29 Choices When Supporting Someone Who is Not Angry With Me Methodically explore options. Help person determine goals, intentions, willingness to let go, forgive, negotiate, and apologize. Teach the person about their own anger, choices and the ACEing process. Invite the person to role-play ways to apply information and principles.

30 Execute (Engage or Employ) The choice often dictates the execution of that choice. By becoming more aware of trigger thoughts and underlying distortions, we can make choices around creating healthier more accurate coping thoughts. We can then execute those thoughts by replacing unhealthy thoughts with newer, healthier thoughts that in turn impact our feelings and how our brain functions. We can choose and execute relaxation techniques. We can choose to focus on creative approaches by using problem solving techniques.

31 Execute (Engage or Employ) We can take healthy escape routes from physical or emotional danger. We can promote self-confidence. We can seek new explanations. We can find more ways to see the picture. We can appreciate that others have their own values, beliefs, intentions, abilities and maturity levels. We can learn to express our needs in non-attacking ways. We can soften inflammatory language.

32 Execute (Engage or Employ) We can lower our voices, be peaceful and nonthreatening in our body language. We can listen to and respect the other person. We can agree to disagree. We can use factual, descriptive language to tell our story. We can decide to review and analyze the process.

33 Clear Communication Healthy communication involves being aware of the power of language, the importance and impact of more descriptive, specific and tentative language. A skilled communicator is fluid in listening and affirming, in sending I-Messages and knowing when and how to apply boundaries and discipline. They know how to teach, share and creatively explore problems. They avoid forms of toxic communication.

34 How to Use ACE Educators have the opportunity to use ACE as a means of incorporating core principles of effective anger management. ACEing helps intentionally preserve personal integrity. Three goals to keep in mind: ~ Maintain physical and emotional safety of all involved. ~ Promote calm, clear thinking. ~ Reduce or eliminate unhealthy raging.

35 Think About Educators are encouraged to: Become Students of Anger Use real-life experiences and observations as opportunities to apply concepts, principles and skills and to note how they contribute to emotional and relational health Employ ways to effectively manage outward behaviors Consider ways to directly or indirectly present the information to adults or children including: the three styles of expressing anger the Personal Survey Questions awareness of outward expression of anger for yourself and others the skill of ACE in response to anger

36 Recommended Reading Kids Are Worth It. Barbara Coloroso, Journal of Family Issues. SAGE Publications, 2006, Volume 27, Number 2, Exposure to Interparental Conflict and Psychological Disorder Among Young Adults. Heather A. Turner, University of New Hampshire, Kathleen Kopiec, pp The Anger Control Workbook. Matthew McKay, Ph.D. and Peter Rogers, Ph.D., The Anger Management Sourcebook. Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D., Melissa Hallmark Kerr, Ph.D., The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen R. Covey, 2004.