From Worry Less, Live More: The Mindful Way through Anxiety Workbook, by Susan M. Orsillo and Lizabeth Roemer. Copyright 2016 The Guilford Press. All rights reserved. 117 Cultivating Self- Compassion and Care Another important strategy that promotes acceptance is responding with care and compassion to our responses as they arise. It can be easier to open and soften toward experiences when we re validating how challenging they are and feeling for ourselves in the midst of our struggles. Researchers, clinicians, and Buddhist writers have all documented the healing aspects of self- compassion, as well as the many environmental and internal factors that readily promote habits of self- criticism in all of us. Book- length explorations of selfcompassion are listed in the Resources at the end of the book. These days it seems like we receive messages about compassion toward ourselves every place we go. And yet many of us experience significant obstacles in bringing kindness and care to our own experiences. This is often due to experiences we have and messages we ve been given by those around us: We may have been taught that being self- compassionate breeds complacency and that we have to be tough on ourselves (e.g., Don t be so lazy or Stop being such a slacker ) to be successful or accomplish anything. We may tell ourselves that our selfcriticism has made us successful so far, so we can t give it up. In fact, excessive self- criticism may lead to short-term successes driven by a desire to immediately alleviate the distress it elicits. Yet it s unlikely to lead to sustained engagement in actions or a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. When we pay attention closely with curiosity, we often learn that we re more invested in our activities and more productive when we re acting out of a desire to do what matters to us rather than responding out of guilt and shame. Noticing how we respond to others (e.g., parents, bosses, coaches, or partners) when they are kind and encouraging versus harsh and critical can also provide valuable information. We may think that being compassionate toward ourselves means not seeing our flaws and just falsely praising ourselves no matter what. Actually, self- compassion includes seeing ourselves exactly as we are, mistakes and all. Research shows that people with more self- compassion were more able to learn from critical feedback than those lower in selfcompassion. This is probably because they were able to take in the feedback and not get overwhelmed and paralyzed with self- criticism. Self- compassion means caring for ourselves as people, not in a way that is linked to performance. We don t have to earn self- compassion by being successful or perfect, and we don t lose self- compassion when we make mistakes. Being self- compassionate doesn t mean that we re not accountable for our actions. It means that we recognize that humans sometimes make mistakes or act unskillfully. Often people think that having compassion for themselves means being selfindulgent or selfish. In our work, we think of care for ourselves as integrally related to our care for others. If we fail to care for ourselves, we will have a harder time being available to others. We often think of the instructions about oxygen masks during an airplane emergency we have to secure our own oxygen mask before we can help others secure theirs.
118 BREAKING THE CYCLE Also, in bringing care and compassion to our own experiences, we learn more about the humanness of all responses, which helps us feel more care and compassion for other people as well. Sometimes people feel they don t deserve self- compassion, often because of things they ve done or messages they ve received growing up or continue to receive. Selfcompassion is caring for ourselves, not endorsing everything we ve ever done. We may have done things, or not done things, that we deeply regret. Self- compassion is a way to move on from beating ourselves up for any failings so that we can learn from them and do better in the future. Psychologist Paul Gilbert suggests we consider compassionate self- correction, instead of self- criticism. We can connect to our desire to improve in the future and feel compassion for the struggle that comes with trying to overcome our past. This practice will reduce some of the muddiness and help us clarify how we want to act moving forward. When we ve received these messages from others, we can notice that the self- criticism that comes so easily is connected to memories of See the Resources things that were said to us. And noticing this can help us take a step at the end of this back from feeling defi ned by, and stuck in, these critical thoughts so book for some that we can recognize them for what they are. We can feel compassion for ourselves for having been treated this way and choose to treat suggestions on how to find a therapist. ourselves gently and kindly, as we might if someone else told us they had similar experiences. Therapy can also be very helpful for overcoming these very human challenges to cultivating compassion and care toward ourselves. Well-worn patterns and habits of self- criticism can make it extremely challenging to shift into an attitude of compassion and care toward oneself. Suggestions to feel compassionate for ourselves can be another thing that makes us feel bad because we are unable to follow them. As we explored in Chapter 4, we can t necessarily make ourselves Dare to give yourself the care you give to others. feel differently, so when we feel critical, we cannot just make ourselves feel compassion by force of will. For this reason, well- intended suggestions to feel more compassion for ourselves can actually have the reverse effect. It s important to remember that self- compassion is not a momentary thought or feeling that we have about ourselves. It is a stance that we choose to take toward ourselves no matter what thoughts or feelings are present. Instead of trying to feel differently, we can think about acting with care and compassion. These actions and practice may or may not lead to changes in our feelings over time. Either way we can always choose our actions with whatever thoughts and feelings happen to be present. Ways to Cultivate Compassion and Care toward Ourselves Understanding that our responses and reactions make sense may naturally lead to compassion for ourselves. It s not necessary or possible for us to know the origin of every learned response (although our minds sometimes get caught up trying to link each reaction
Accepting What Comes 119 to a specific event in our history). We can still recognize that our reactions happen for good reason because that s how humans work, and that can help us drop the rope of self- criticism. Noticing how busy and tangled our minds can get, through awareness practices or monitoring, sometimes leads us to observe It can be so hard to be me! Even if that observation doesn t arise naturally, we can ask ourselves if this might be true and something to acknowledge in the moment. We can imagine how we might respond to someone we care about if he were saying the things we re saying to ourselves. Often we are naturally kinder to others than to ourselves. Also, if we ve had someone in our lives who was caring or compassionate toward us, we can imagine what she might say. Some people find it helpful to use imagery to cultivate compassion. This could be an image of someone being compassionate toward you or toward someone else. A recent image we ve found helpful is from the Pixar movie Inside Out. The characters Joy and Sadness, and a childhood imaginary friend, Bing Bong, are inside the head of a young girl (Riley). Bing Bong is feeling sad because he can no longer go to the moon with Riley. Joy tries to distract him by reassuring him and drawing his attention to other things, and Bing Bong seems to just sink deeper emotionally. (We ve all had well- intentioned friends try this when we feel sad, haven t we? And sometimes it really doesn t work.) Sadness just sits down next to Bing Bong, patting his leg, and listening to him talk. She says things like I m sorry they took your rocket. They took something you loved. And I ll bet you and Riley had great adventures. Obstacles to Self- Compassion Concerns it breeds complacency In fact we often accomplish more in response to kindness. Concerns it involves ignoring flaws or accepting false praise Self- compassion involves seeing and caring for ourselves exactly as we are, mistakes and all. Concerns it s self- indulgent or selfish We can care for others better when we also care for ourselves. Believing we don t deserve self- compassion Caring for ourselves is not the same as endorsing our actions or denying the importance of self- improvement efforts. We can recognize when this message comes from others and not believe it. Difficulty feeling compassion for ourselves Self- compassion involves acting with care and kindness toward ourselves, not necessarily changing our thoughts and feelings.
120 BREAKING THE CYCLE I ll bet Riley liked it. And Yeah, that s sad. Bing Bong is clearly soothed by Sadness just being with him, understanding and caring, and not asking him to change the way he feels. Some people find it helpful to say phrases to themselves that cultivate compassion. Harvard education professor and former dean Jerome Murphy adapted the following from phrases suggested by Kristin Neff, a psychologist who studies self- compassion: This is a tough moment. Tough moments are inescapable. Tough moments call out for tender care. I ll give myself the kindness I deserve and need. Some people find it helpful to follow Kristin Neff s advice and pick out a soothing term of endearment for themselves. Try using Sweetpea or Dear or another personally meaningful term when talking to yourself instead of the more critical names that may arise. Often a useful first step is acting with care toward ourselves, regardless of how we feel. Author Toni Bernhard suggests physically enacting self- compassion. For instance, you might stroke your hand, arm, or cheek with your other hand while you acknowledge how you re feeling, as a way of demonstrating care for yourself. Sometimes instead of cultivating compassion, we can simply notice that the critical thoughts are just thoughts and that they may not necessarily reflect the truth (in other words, move our hands away from our noses a little bit to get some space between ourselves and our self- criticism). This can at least give us a little bit of respite from the criticism and judgment. Compassion and care may grow there eventually. Repeating practices like Inviting a Difficulty In and Working with It through the Body can help to develop our compassion muscle. Psychologist Chris Germer, author of The Mindful Path to Self- Compassion, also provides a number of meditations aimed at enhancing self- compassion on his website: www.mindfulselfcompassion.org/meditations_downloads.php. TRY THIS We can more readily respond with kindness and care toward ourselves in a given moment when we have some practices of self-care in place. Acting with care doesn t require any feelings or even clarity we can just choose to make these practices part of our days or weeks so that we can develop the habit (or muscle) of self- compassion and care. Choose one of the following practices you want to add to each day and one to add to your week as a way of caring for yourself.
Accepting What Comes 121 Daily or Weekly Practices of Care for Self Take a walk Listen to music you enjoy Read for pleasure/listen to an audiobook or podcast Take a warm bath or soak your feet and notice how it feels Light candles or incense and notice how they smell Play with or pet a cat or dog Eat a food you enjoy and notice how it tastes Take time to talk to a friend Cook something delicious Spend time in nature Go fishing Look at flowers, trees, or bodies of water Go to a spiritual/religious gathering Garden Walk around the city and notice the sights, sounds, and smells Feel free to add your own practices if there is a way you care for yourself that we didn t list here. Remember to engage in the practice no matter how you re feeling and that it doesn t matter how you feel when you do it. Just adding in something you ve chosen to do for yourself is a way of acting out self- compassion, which will help strengthen the muscle. Be sure to bring awareness to whatever practices you choose. For some people self- compassion comes more easily, and for all of us it comes more easily in some situations than others. Bringing our awareness to our experiences and fi nding ways to have moments of care and kindness is a useful practice to return to again and again. We can develop a habit of self- compassion by bringing more self-care activities, like those listed above, into our daily lives and by using in-the- moment practices, like saying soothing words to ourselves or using soothing gestures, when we need reminders. Selfcompassion can help us clarify our feelings, release our struggle with trying to feel differently (acceptance), and make choices about how we want to be in our lives. Copyright 2016 The Guilford Press. No part of this text may be reproduced, translated, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, microfilming, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. Purchase this book now: www.guilford.com/p/orsillo2 Guilford Publications 370 Seventh Avenue, Suite 1200 New York, NY 10001 212-431-9800 800-365-7006 www.guilford.com