C C N W E E K L Y S O L U T I O N S S E R I E S T H E W E E K O F A P R I L 6, 2 0 0 9 The World of Temptation, 3: Little White Lies Featuring Dr. John Townsend Psychologist Best-selling co-author of Boundaries series, author of How People Grow
CCN Solutions: The World of Temptation, 3 Little White Lies Page 2 I. Introduction Little lies aren t so little but there s hope II. Little white lies - Functional little while lies: time, responsibilities - Relational little white lies: when we re not authentic about what we re feeling I m okay when you re not Being available when you re really not Little white lies become rationalized, but they re anti-relationship A little white lie: A break from honesty with a denial of the break from relationship Effects : - We lose one another People need freedom, but there needs to be no say-and-do disconnect - Little white lies make the other person feel crazy If you love somebody, you hurt them with little white lies - The unknown big lie: Is that everything? - Energy: It takes a lot to live in little white lies It s a drain for the liar and the lie-ee God s relationship to lying: It s impossible (Hebrews 6:18) If you tell the truth, you donʼt have to remember anything. Mark Twainʼs Notebook, 1894 We too want to be so integrated and connected and living that lying doesn t even occur When you tell the truth, three responses: - I don t like it; I m out of here - Some move toward you - The middle group
CCN Solutions: The World of Temptation, 3 Little White Lies Page 3 III. Causes of little white lies - Most of the people who lie are scared Scared of judgment, rejection, being pushed away, being hurt Make your mistakes with the right people, then it s safe - Concern that you will hurt someone s feelings Play the tape Little white lies will ultimately hurt more - Empathic failure: when we fail to consider how it s affecting someone s heart Sometimes you don t get anywhere with someone till you bring out the hurt - Entitlement: feeling we should get special privileges The only cure: grief and ownership IV. Answers and skills For the liar: - Would I want to be told the truth, if the shoe were on the other foot? - Deal with your fear - Own the harm to others For those in relationship with someone who shaves the truth: - Be vulnerable instead of angry - Bring other people in - Be honest yourself - Have zero tolerance
CCN Solutions: The World of Temptation, 3 Little White Lies Page 4 Small Group Discussion Questions The World of Temptation, 3 Little White Lies 1. How have someoneʼs little white lies affected your own life? 2. Why are fibs sometimes worse than blatant lies? 3. What are some of the causes of lying that you related to? 4. As a little white liar, or someone who is in a relationship with a liar, what skills can help you change things this week?
CCN Solutions: The World of Temptation, 3 Little White Lies Page 5 Next week on Solutions: The World of Temptation, 4: Jealous Minds! Resources Leadership Beyond Reason by Dr. John Townsend Solutions Solutions Leaders Sponsored In Part By: New Life Ministries is a fully-equipped resource for the treatment of mental and spiritual health issues. www.newlife.com Contact Information Dr. John Townsend Cloud-Townsend Resources 18092 Sky Park South, Suite A Irvine, CA 92614 Phone: 800-676-4673 Web: Church Communication Network PO Box 1718 Mountain View, CA 94042 Phone: 800-321-6781 Fax: 650-745-0660 Email: ccninfo@ccnonline.net Web: www.ccn.tv