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DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE & MANAGING YOUR STRESS AGENDA I. Introductions and Expectations II. Part 1: Dealing with Difficult People A. Five Difficult Personality Types 1. Definitions 2. How to Deal With Each Type 3. Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness There is a difference B. Managing Conflict 1. What is Conflict? 2. 3 Facts About Conflict 3. 5 Conflict Resolution Styles a. Descriptions of Each b. When to Use Each Style 4. Resolution Styles Quiz III. Part 2: Managing Your Stress A. Stress Management Formula B. Typical Distorted Thinking Styles C. Identifying Distortions D. Strengthening Yourself E. Taking Control F. 10 Stress Management Tips 2
FIVE DIFFICULT PERSONALITY TYPES 1. Tank Personality A. Tends to roll over people. B. Must be made to respect others. C. Deal with them assertively. 2. Sniper Personality A. Ask questions that lead to the intention of their communication. B. Sniper behavior will cease when they are exposed. 3. Know It Alls A. Harbor information that is needed by others in the organization. B. They like to ask questions. C. Ask them indirect probing questions. D. Admit lack of knowledge and let them educate you. 4. Wishy Wishy Personality A. Avoid conflicts at any cost. B. Tell you what you want to hear. C. Help them make choices. D. Let them know it is safe to present the facts. 5. Exploders A. React with rage that seems barely under control. B. Overwhelm and surprise you with their outbursts. C. Always remain calm to maintain control of the situation. D. If they are standing, try to get them seated. 3
ASSERTIVENESS & AGGRESSIVENESS 1. List below what kind of communication and actions are being exhibited when a person is being assertive. 2. List below what kind of communication and actions are being exhibited when a person is being aggressive. 4
ASSERTIVENESS You are behaving assertively when you express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest ways that do not violate another person s integrity. Assertion involves respect both for your own needs and feelings and for those of the other person. Conversely, nonassertiveness occurs when you fail to express honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs or express them in such an apologetic, diffident or self effacing way that others can easily disregard them. 5
AGGRESSIVENESS You are behaving aggressively when you express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in ways that humiliate, degrade, belittle or overpower the other person. Little or no respect is shown for the needs or feelings of others. It is an I win you lose proposition. 6
WHAT IS CONFLICT?? Draw your best picture of Conflict: 7
THREE FACTS ABOUT CONFLICT Conflict is inevitable Conflict is neither good nor bad, but it does have advantages and disadvantages Coping with conflict is an individual decision that begins with changing self, not others 8
TAKING ACTION What s the worst thing that could happen? What s the best thing that could happen? What is most likely to happen? 9
FIVE CONFLICT RESOLUTION STYLES 1. Avoiding 2. Accommodating 3. Compromising 4. Collaborating 5. Competing 10
AVOIDING Retreating or giving up Passive stop gap way of dealing with conflict Generally fails to solve the problem 11
ACCOMMODATING Searches for common ground Keeps peace and avoids conflictive situations Fails to provide long lasting solution 12
COMPROMISING Reaches an agreement acceptable to the parties Trade off compromising is often used Provides definitive resolution for conflict 13
COLLABORATING Pinpoints problem and objectively resolves it Requires open dialogue between parties Ultimately resolves underlying problem 14
COMPETING Uses power to resolve conflict Has a win lose outcome Can come back and haunt individual competing 15
WHEN TO USE AVOIDING When you can t win When the stakes are low When the stakes are high, but you are not ready To gain time To preserve neutrality or reputation When you think the problem will go away When you win by delay 16
WHEN TO USE ACCOMMODATING To reach an overarching goal To create obligation for a trade off at a later date When the stakes are low When liability is limited To maintain harmony When any solution will be adequate To create goodwill (be magnanimous) When you ll lose anyway To gain time 17
WHEN TO USE COMPROMISING When both parties need to be winners When you can t win When others are as strong as you are When you haven t time to win To maintain your relationship with your opponent When you re not sure you are right When you get nothing if you don t negotiate When stakes are moderate To avoid giving the impression of fighting 18
WHEN TO USE COLLABORATION When you both get at least what you want and maybe more To reduce costs To create a common power base To attack a common foe When skills are complementary When there is enough time When you want to preclude later use of other methods When there is trust When you have confidence in the other person s ability To maintain future relationships 19
WHEN TO USE COMPETING When a Do or Die situation exists When stakes are high When important principles are at stake When you are stronger To gain status or demonstrate power In short term, one shot deals When the relationship is unimportant When it s understood that a game is being played 20
RESOLUTION STYLES QUIZ Instructions: Fill in each blank below with the name of the resolution style you believe is best suited to achieving a satisfactory resolution under the circumstances. (Avoiding, Accommodating, Competing, Compromising, and Collaborating) 1. can be appropriate for situations that demand immediate action, i.e. emergencies. 2. works well when the greater need is for harmony and stability. 3. can help you learn something new from the conflict and show how reasonable you are. 4. When a conflict involves a trivial matter, may be a good choice. 5. When goals don t match and both parties yield an equal amount of power, may help restore order. 6. You may want to try if all parties are willing to explore their concerns. 7. When tempers flare and people need to cool down, may be your best option. 8. When someone is taking advantage of cooperative behavior, may be appropriate. 9. If you re facing a deadline and you need a practical solution, try. 10. When you want to build a consensus, try. 21
STRESS MANAGEMENT FORMULA Manage Your Thinking Strengthen Yourself Take Control 22
TYPICAL DISTORTED THINKING STYLES 1. Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you re a failure. There is no middle ground. 2. Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again. 3. Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling toward you. 4. Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start what if s. What if tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you? 5. Personalization: You think that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you personally. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who s smarter, better looking, etc. 6. Control Fallacies: This distortion has two versions. One version is to see yourself with no control. You are a helpless victim of fate. The second version is to see yourself as responsible for the happiness or pain of everyone around you. 7. Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your pain, or take the other view and blame yourself for every problem or reversal that you experience. 8. Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate the rules. 9. Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true automatically. If you feel stupid and boring, then you must be stupid. 10. Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them. 23
IDENTIFYING DISTORTIONS Each of these statements represents a particular distorted thinking style. Fill in the blank with the name of the distortion contained in each sentence. 1. Ever since Bill, I ve never trusted anyone from that company. 2. Quite a few people here seem smarter than I am. 3. If only my spouse would be more supportive of our relocation, we d have a happier marriage. 4. You re either for me or against me. 5. I feel depressed; life must be pointless. 6. It doesn t matter what I do, nothing will ever get better. 7. It s your fault we re always in the hole each month. 8. She s always smiling, but I know deep down she doesn t like me. 9. I haven t gotten a response on my first two calls; I know I ll never make a sale. 10. If you re a good worker you should remain with the same company for your entire career. 24
STRENGTHENING YOURSELF: Areas to Address Physical exercise Healthy diet Rest and relaxation Emotional and social support 25
TAKING CONTROL 1. Managing My Thinking Some current distorted thinking I ve identified in myself: 1. 2. 3. Alternative thoughts or challenges to replace these distortions: 1. 2. 3. 2. Strengthening Myself Physical Exercise: These are activities I can engage in that will reduce physical tension as well as have a healthy benefit: 1. 2. 3. Diet: These are steps I will take to improve my diet and contribute to my overall health: 1. 2. 3. 26
TAKING CONTROL (cont.) 2. Strengthening Myself (cont.) Relaxation: Relaxation activities include listening to audio tapes of relaxation exercises or to soothing music; reading; soaking in a hot tub; etc. These are activities that will calm my body and mind: 1. 2. 3. Emotional Processing and Social Support: Emotional processing is putting my thoughts and feelings into words to get both relief and new perspective. Social support is the support of friends, family, counselors, and others. They provide a sounding board, constructive feedback, and alternate ways of viewing a situation. These are people I can count on to listen, encourage me, and give me honest feedback. These are steps I can take for emotional processing and social support: 1. 2. 3. 27
TAKING CONTROL (cont.) 3. Making Changes My key stress situation(s): The following are steps I will take to manage this situation: Target Date Steps for Goal Achievement 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 28
10 STRESS MANAGEMENT TIPS 1. Don t repeat your stress stories. 2. Go to your perfect place. 3. Learn to live one day at a time. 4. You can do anything, but you can t do everything. 5. Use the 80/20 rule. (Don t be a Perfectionist!) 6. Make friends with non worriers. 7. Make the Worst things the First things! 8. Be prepared to wait. 9. When stressed, do something else for a while and then go back to the original task. 10. Drive a library. 29