RECOVERY? questions & answers at the beginning of your journey

how do i work RECOVERY? questions & answers at the beginning of your journey HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 1

about the author Greg Oliver is the Founder and Executive Director of Awaken (www.awakenrecovery.com), a ministry focused on Gospel-based Twelve Step recovery from sexual addiction. Greg has a B.A. in Bible & Theology from Southeastern Bible College. For 14 years he served as a Music & Worship Pastor before his own sexual addiction & sin was exposed in 2009. Since then Greg has experienced a life of recovery and restoration, and has had the privilege of walking alongside many other men whose lives have been devastated by pornography and sexual addiction. Through Awaken, Greg and his wife Stacey facilitate recovery groups for men and women in the Birmingham, AL area; and have a passion for helping churches & ministries become better informed and equipped to graciously address sexual sin and brokenness among their staff and membership. Greg & Stacey live in Birmingham, AL and have three children. www.awakenrecovery.com www.facebook.com/awakenrecovery @awakenrecovery P.O. Box 26593 Birmingham, AL 35260 You are free to distribute copies of this e-book. As a courtesy, please notify us by e-mail us at: info@awakenrecovery.com so we can keep you informed of other resources. If you would like to make a tax-deductible contribution to support the work of Awaken, visit www.awakenrecovery.com/donate. HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 2

Hello, my name is Greg, and I m a recovering sex addict. Hi, Greg. This introduction, or something similar, has represented for many people the beginning of a powerful, life-changing journey out of compulsive, addictive behavior and into this thing we call recovery. If you mention the word recovery to someone in an Anonymous group (Alcoholics, Gamblers, Sex Addicts, etc.), you will usual see an immediate understanding of what that word means. But for the person who is, for the first time, sheepishly taking their first step out of the darkness and secrecy of addiction, the concept of recovery feels daunting and is often confusing. Complicating things even more is the bias or misunderstanding many Christians bring with them about whether recovery is consistent or contradictory to biblical teaching. What we need is a clearer understanding. It isn t easy, but the concept of recovery is fairly uncomplicated. If you re reading this, it s probably because someone has already encouraged you that you need to pursue this thing called recovery. The purpose of this booklet is to help you, as you stand at the very beginning of your recovery journey, to sift through any confusion and presuppositions you have, and understand the basics of the path to freedom that stands in front of you. HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 3

OK, so what exactly what is recovery, and how do I work it? Mention addiction recovery to most people, and they re going to think about something like Alcoholics Anonymous. Most people - probably including you - have someone they know who is in recovery from some type of addiction. It may be alcohol, drugs, sex, food, gambling, or another substance or process in which they have become enslaved. In any event, when most of us think about recovery, we think about Twelve Step meetings that we ve seen portrayed in TV & movies, or that someone we know has told us about. Addicted people tend to identify themselves according to their addiction instead of who God says they are. Addiction comes at a great cost for the a d d i c t e d p e r s o n. N o o n e w h o h a s experienced it has avoided some type of significant loss. You may have already experienced a loss of job; financial security; marriage, family, or other relationships; but most of all there s a loss of a true sense of identity. Addicted people tend to identify themselves according to their addiction instead of who God says they are. You may have had these types of feelings in moments of despair and the belief that you will never change. Addiction is basically this: A chronic dysfunction of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry, characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. (Source: American Society of Addiction Medicine, www.asam.org) Addiction begins when we attempt to use a substance (like alcohol) or process (like sex) to sooth or fix deep pre-existing problems or traumas. We have not discovered healthy outlets for dealing with the pains, wounds, and stressors in life, and are looking for something to make their negative feelings go away. It is a gradual, progressive descent into destructive behavior that has been characterized as trying to fill a hole with a deeper hole. HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 4

On the other hand, recovery is basically this: A process through which addicted people Begin to learn more about the events and experiences in their lives that have contributed to their struggles Identify how those experiences have shaped a faulty belief system about themselves that has translated into unhealthy, addictive behavior Discover how to believe true and healthier things about themselves, about God, and about other people in their lives. Learn to turn those beliefs into new, healthier actions. Through this process you can experience healing and freedom from addictions you ve probably believed would control and eventually kill you. It s a process through which you can recover your true identity and experience the potential for a new, healthier life moving forward. You mentioned something called The Twelve Steps what are those? The Twelve Steps are a set of principles that guide a person s program of recovery from addiction. Originally they were developed by founders and early participants of Alcoholic s Anonymous. The Twelve Steps were first published in 1939, and for more than 75 years have been an important framework for a process through which thousands of people have experienced true and lasting freedom from addiction. There is nothing magical about the Twelve Steps. They themselves are not the entirety of recovery. They represent a process through which millions of people have learned how to live healthier lives, free from the control of their addictions. One dangerous belief held by many Christians who are addicted is that God will miraculously heal them of their addiction in a single event. God is certainly powerful enough and able to do this. And while I would not ever say that this is never how He works with addiction, Scripture demonstrates time and time again how God works change in our lives through process. Romans 12 refers to transforming work that God does in a believer s life as we submit to Him. The root word used in the original language is the basis of the word metamorphosis. Metamorphosis reminds us of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. This isn t something that happens instantly or overnight, but rather through a process. In his letter to the Philippians, Paul reminds and encourages them that the work God has begun in them will continue until the day of Christ Jesus. HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 5

The Twelve Steps help people Learn to admit their inability to manage or control their addictive behavior. Recognize that there is a spiritual higher power that can restore sanity to their lives. (In Christian recovery circles this higher power is seen as Almighty God who restores through the power of Jesus Christ s blood and the indwelling work of the Holy Spirit.) Honestly evaluate past patterns and harmful behaviors with the help of a person more experienced in recovery (generally called a sponsor ). Take responsibility for the impact these behaviors had on self and on other people. Learn how to incorporate the tools and knowledge gained in recovery in order to live life differently and more healthily, free from the power of addiction. Invest in the lives of other addicted people (i.e. becoming a sponsor). The Twelve Steps as they were originally published by Alcoholics Anonymous: 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol* - that our lives had become unmanageable. (*or over drugs or over compulsive sexual behavior ) 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics*, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. (*or drug addicts or sex addicts, etc.) HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 6

I m getting a little freaked out this seems like a lot. It can seem overwhelming, but this is one of the reasons that Twelve Step recovery is set up to function the way it does. You aren t able to, nor are you expected to, understand or be able to fulfill all these steps at once. They are meant to be done one at a time. Truthfully, there is only one step that an addicted person can do on their own. This is when, in Step One, we admit that we can t do anything on our own. This can be a difficult admission, but once we can do it and begin to get out of God s way, we see Him begin to accomplish amazing things. So what s necessary for you to do in order to start recovery? There isn t a lot you need to know or understand to take your first steps. We can really distill it down to two core requirements. You must be rigorously honest. You have to admit that you have a problem, that it is serious, that it is destroying your life, and that despite past or present efforts you can t manage or control it. You must stop lying about, rationalizing, justifying, or denying your problem. Only when an addicted person approaches recovery from a place of complete honesty should he or she expect to see lasting results. You must be willing to do whatever it takes. This means accepting big changes. For whatever reason, and however it s happened, you ve become caught in the trap of addiction. You ve tried everything to break it, but you remain enslaved. What you ve been trying hasn t been working. In order to experience You must be willing to do whatever it takes. This means accepting big changes. recovery, you re going to have to surrender to a different process, and to incorporate things into your life that will be difficult. You can t sort of show up for recovery. It is a daily, uncompromising new way of living that you must commit to. People who aren t willing to do whatever it takes inevitably slip back into their old patterns. People who get better are the ones who say I give up, and who surrender to the healing and recovery work God wants to do in them. HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 7

I don t know what all to expect, but I think I m ready what do I do now? Now it s time for your to get started. The path of recovery is a one day at a time journey. With each day you ll learn more and will hopefully begin to experience a sense that you re getting unstuck" from the addictive patterns that have seemed to rule your life. As you read the suggestions below, don t consider this a buffet from which to pick and choose; rather see them as parts of a whole. Remember, the people who get better are the ones who commit to do whatever it takes. Counseling/Therapy - For any addicted person, it s critical to identify and understand the experiences in our early lives that influenced us. A qualified therapist can help guide you through this process. You may have experienced some combination of abuse, abandonment, unrealistically high standards, or a legalistic upbringing that allowed no margin for failure. You might not see how some of these experiences had anything to do with your addictive behavior, and that s where a therapist can help. Although you are responsible for the choices you make, you need to understand the elements that contributed to your addiction; this isn t the same thing as saying that what you did isn t your fault. Understanding helps us deal with our issues so that we can move forward. Community - Most addicted people fear the thought of anyone knowing what they ve done. There is often a strong, paralyzing belief that if anyone knows the real you, that they will reject you. This is why finding a safe community of recovering people is another critical component of your recovery. You need the opportunity to experience confessing your struggles to another person and having them accept you rather than run away. This isn t accountability, because the focus of a supportive community isn t to fix you; rather it s to provide a safe place for you to experience real, authentic community with others. The people you meet in recovery will likely become some of your closest relationships moving forward in life. It is an amazing experience to have a friendship where you don t have to lie, conceal, or keep your story straight to avoid losing the relationship. HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 8

Recovery Work - This third component is indispensable. It s where, in many ways, the rubber really meets the road and your recovery will move beyond the theoretical into real progress. Working the Twelve Steps is a process in which you spend time completing step-based activities and discussions with someone who is more experienced in recovery (a sponsor). Your sponsor will share perspective from his own recovery, telling you about things he s learned. He will encourage you on specific activities that help Twelve Step principles become more solid in your life. He ll get to know you well enough to lovingly call you out when you re lazy, making excuses, or not being honest. And as you continue through your process, one day you ll be ready to sponsor and help someone else! How do I find a counselor, a support group, and a sponsor? First, here s an important thing for you to know and remember: Take this new process one item at a time. Don t get bogged down thinking about everything that you have to do over the next months or the next year. Recovery is about living in the present and learning to live one day at a time, one moment at a time. So take this process one item at a time. *Note: Much of what follows is specific advice for locating a counselor to help with sexual addiction. Web searches should be useful in identifying counselors who specialize in other areas of addiction as well. Finding a therapist. Depending on where you live, it could be easy or somewhat difficult to find the right therapist. It s important to find someone who has training and skills in your area of addiction. Some things to consider: CSAT certification (for sexual addiction): This stands for Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist. What this means is that the therapist has received specialized training in the area of sexual addiction, and has received a specific certification. If you have the option, it is recommended that you choose a therapist who is a CSAT. You can search the web for CSAT therapists in your area by visiting http://www.sexhelp.com/therapists-search/. HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 9

Experience with addiction: If you cannot find a therapist in your area with the specific certification you re looking for, don t worry. This doesn t mean you aren t going to be able to find a qualified therapist. Many therapists who have not received this specific certification still have extensive experience and hours counseling people with addictions. Ask questions about their experience. Identifying the right therapist for you: Don t assume that the first therapist you visit is necessarily the person you need to stick with. You may have a session or two and feel a strong connection and feel optimistic that this person will be able to help you; or you may not. Remember that you have the right and the ability to try a different therapist if you do not have a strong comfort level with the first person you visit. Of course, some of your discomfort may be simply dealing with and talking about a topic that you ve avoided discussing for years; but if you have a lingering discomfort with the therapist you re seeing, don t be afraid to see someone else. You may be able to get help finding a good therapist by calling your pastor. Depending on the church you attend, you may find that they have good referring relationships with therapists in your area. It will eventually be a good step to bring a pastor from your church up to speed on your situation anyway, and this could be a way to begin that process. However, if your pastor tells you that you shouldn t see a therapist, this is a red flag. Some pastors don t understand all that s going on within an addicted person, and believe that any counsel other than a strict focus on the Bible is ungodly or unnecessary. While Scripture is absolutely sufficient to address our brokenness and sin, an addicted person is often unable to interpret and apply these truths in the gracious way God intended. Counsel from a therapist can help you understand what s going on in your brain as well as in your heart. Most pastors wouldn t tell you that with a broken arm, you shouldn t receive any medical help but instead just focus on Scripture. While addiction is somewhat different, it is also somewhat the same. You re experiencing a brokenness that requires the right kind of help, and that help best comes in the form of biblical AND therapeutic counsel. HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 10

Finding a support group. As you look for a group to attend, it s important to remember what the purpose is for a recovery support group. Having the right expectations will help you get the most out of a group and avoid some common frustrations. Support groups aren t for therapy. Many addicted people look for their groups to do more than is reasonable or healthy. Support groups shouldn t be considered free alternatives to therapy. The people in your support groups aren t qualified to diagnose what s going on in you, nor should that be their focus. You see your therapist to get to the deeper heart of what s been going on and what has contributed to your addiction. However, if you re seeing a therapist you may find that your support group can be a great place for you to talk through what you re learning about yourself in your sessions. In this context you re processing your stuff with people who aren t expected to contribute advice or new information. Support groups aren t for accountability. One of the first things that Christians who are addicted like to talk about is accountability. Accountability is a universally recognized concept within the church, and it is important. But for many of us, well-meaning accountability has actually done as much harm as good related to our addiction. In an effort to avoid the difficult conversations that would come from confessing to our accountability partners, we make the easier decision to lie or to be overly general with what we share. Accountability that focuses too much on behavior modification rather and too little on the heart ends up discouraging authenticity rather than encouraging it. Support groups are for support. When we join a support group we need to know that whatever we share will not be met with disappointed looks or comments, but rather with supportive affirmation from understanding people. For many of us, these are the first opportunities we experience where we confess sin and struggles, and are met with loving, gracious responses. Support groups don t affirm sinful behavior, but they do affirm the courage and the honesty of the person sharing. Through receiving this affirmation we better learn how to be honest and authentic in all of our relationships, not just those with other addicts. HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 11

Some options for support groups include: Celebrate Recovery (CR): This is a Christ-centered recovery program that originated at Saddleback Church and is now available nationwide. CR has taken the Twelve Steps and re-communicated them as the Eight Recovery Principles (in some cases two Steps are joined into one Principle). They incorporate a lot of Scripture and emphasize working the Steps/Principles with a sponsor. One potential drawback for some is that CR meetings are attended by people with various addictions - they are not specialized. So one meeting will potentially be attended by alcoholics, drug addicts, sex addicts, etc. People with certain addictions may feel isolated, or that theirs is worse than other peoples, although CR does not communicate this. To locate a CR group in your area, visit http://grouplocator.crgroups.info/ or search the web for Celebrate Recovery including the city where you live. Anonymous Groups: These groups, which include Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), or Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) are traditional Twelve Step recovery groups. AA was the first such group, founded in the late 1930 s. All such groups adhere faithfully to the Twelve Steps of AA. Although these groups are spiritually neutral (i.e. not specifically Christian or Gospel-focused), many recovering Christians find these groups to be immensely helpful in how they prioritize the necessary commitment to working through the Steps. To find groups in your area, search: Alcoholics Anonymous: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_us/find-local-aa Sex Addicts Anonymous: https://saa-recovery.org/meetings/unitedstates/ Sexaholics Anonymous: http://www.sa.org/meetings.php Awaken: A Christ-centered Twelve Step program for people impacted by pprnography & sexual addiction, and based out of Birmingham, AL. Awaken provides local (Birmingham Alabama) groups for male sex addicts, female sex addicts, and females affected by their significant other s addiction. We also focus strongly on building relationships with churches, to help them create a safe culture that encourages openness and confession. We are available to consult with ministry leaders who want to identify solutions for addicted people in their churches, including recovery groups and communities in their area. For more info visit http://www.awakenrecovery.com. HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 12

Working the Steps. Along with therapy and community (through support groups), Step work rounds out the three critical components of your recovery work. It can be the most difficult for someone who is new to recovery to understand. Exactly what does working the steps look like? you might ask. The answer comes gradually, but it begins when you commit to a daily lifestyle in which learning, understanding, and processing the Steps becomes a reality. This process is made clearer as you go through it with the guidance of a sponsor. Finding a sponsor: As we said earlier, a sponsor is someone who is more experienced in recovery than you are. Your sponsor should be someone of your same gender, and ideally someone who has already worked through the Steps him or herself. You can usually find a sponsor within a few weeks of attending a recovery support group meeting. Depending on your primary meeting, and if you have trouble identifying a sponsor there, you may need to visit additional meetings in order to meet more people who could possibly be your sponsor. It is not uncommon for a person to have a sponsor from one meeting and yet primarily attend another one. Once you identify your sponsor, you should begin to meet with him or her regularly - in person if possible - to discuss your recovery and to begin systematically working through the Steps. Your sponsor will likely give you homework of some type to help focus you on the particular Step on which you re working. This work may include journaling, or completing workbooks or worksheets, etc. Step Studies: Depending upon what type of group you attend, you may have opportunities to take part in a Step Study. Celebrate Recovery is well-known for theirs, which is a deep dive into the Steps and into Scripture that is consistent with them. These studies can be helpful regardless of whether or not you have a sponsor, but if you have difficulty finding a sponsor they can be invaluable in helping to tangibly get you on the road to recovery rather than just treading water. HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 13

OK is that all I need to know? It s all you need to get started. You ll be amazed by how much you learn about yourself and about God. You re going to discover as you go, just how much you need to learn. But the great thing is, this is a process in which you can be patient with yourself as you learn. You ll find that God is very patient with you as well. As you commit to embracing a new journey of recovery, God will be faithful to show you each day what He wants you to do, and how He is changing you as you surrender to His work in your life. You re probably familiar with what people in recovery call The Serenity Prayer. Most people know the first few lines from recovery group scenes they ve seen in movies. But these lines are part of a longer prayer, written by Reinhold Niebuhr and published in 1951. God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference; Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus, did, this sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it to be, Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen. God bless you as you start the journey of working your recovery! HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 14

APPENDIX Are you a pastor/ministry leader? Awaken provides a variety of services and solutions for churches & ministries, such as Crisis Assistance: When situations arise (either among membership or staff) involving issues such as adultery, pornography, or sexual addiction, we can provide consultation and support to help leaders respond appropriately. Delivered on site and in person. Service includes: Initial meeting with pastors and other involved leaders Initial meeting with individual or couple in crisis Assessment of situation Recommendations for: Initial response plan Counseling/therapy plan Appropriate recovery resources (in cases of sexual addiction) Effective, gracious, and biblical restoration steps Care Plan Development & Implementation: We can help your ministry anticipate situations before they arise and prepare an overall plan for how to respond appropriately, including identification of needed people and resources. This plan can easily be adapted to function in a variety of situations, not only sexual ones. Includes resources and initial training. Delivered either on site or remotely via phone or videoconference. Leadership Training: We can provide training and encouragement for pastors, elders, deacons, small group leaders, etc. on a variety of topics. Delivered on site and in person, Topics include: Developing a safe culture that encourages honesty and confession Understanding addiction and its influence in the life of a Christian Communicating a grace-based (not performance-based) message Best responses when sexual sin is exposed within your staff Starting a support group/recovery community within your ministry Speaking for Services and/or Special Events: We can share our story as a catalyst for starting the conversation within your ministry. We are available to speak at regular services, or for men s, women s or marriage & family retreats, etc. Topics include: Our story of addiction, recovery, and healing Beginning a recovery journey from sexual addiction Healing from the effects of betrayal from pornography and/or infidelity Protecting your kids and household against pornography Email info@awakenrecovery.com with questions or to schedule a consultation. HOW DO I WORK RECOVERY? 15