Debra Dupree, MA, MFT Advanced Practitioner in Workplace Mediation Certified Conflict Coach THE EMOTIONALLY INTENSE EMPLOYEE

Debra Dupree, MA, MFT Advanced Practitioner in Workplace Mediation Certified Conflict Coach THE EMOTIONALLY INTENSE EMPLOYEE

EVERY ORGANIZATION PAYS A But few know how much it is! Dan Dana, Ph.D. Mediation Training Institute

Conflict Competent Organizations People Communication Influence 3

Overview as a co- worker, a boss, a peer, or as a participant in a training or mediation. What do you do with an emotionally intense personality? How do you manage high conflict situations? the best thing to do without escalating the situation for you or the other person(s) involved? Building upon the baseline information presented in October we plan to extend our look at Workplace Bullying by bringing specific examples and strategies for managing the HCP at work and in mediation. 4

Some startling statistics Every year there are more than 1 million victims of workplace violence and harassment? Fifteen percent of these are violent crimes and eighty percent of these acts are committed by males. More than 1000 employees are murdered annually. In North America workplace violence incidents are the second- leading cause of death in the workplace., http://www.eeoc.gov/types/

Wasted Time Bad decisions Loss of skilled employees Restructuring Reassignment Sabotage/Theft Low motivation Absenteeism/Presenteeism Health costs Litigation Dan Dana, MTI So how much is conflict costing in your organization? Most likely, in ways you may not even realize! 6

The Effects of Work Climate a (- ) work climate impedes performance and leads to increasing levels of absenteeism and turnover. a (+) work climate leads to sustained employee motivation and improved performance. effort above and beyond job expectations, that employees exert. 7

What We Need to Know about the Younger Workforce Increasing Defensiveness & Impulsivity Employers are increasingly complaining about young employees and their difficulty in receiving ordinary performance feedback The younger employees tend to react angrily and take things more personally Daniel Goleman Working with Emotional Intelligence (1998) 8

Increasing Narcissism 2/3 of college students score high on Narcissism compared to the older adult More confident, assertive, sense of entitlement Less empathy, less successful relationships More impulsive, more aggressive when they feel insulted or threatened Jean Twenge, Ph.D. Generation Me (2006) 9

CLUSTERS of Personality Disorders Cluster A: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal (tend to avoid people) Cluster B: Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial, Histrionic (tend to be high- conflict) Cluster C: Avoidant Dependent, Obsessive- Compulsive (tend to avoid conflict)

Cluster B our target group Ten Personality Disorders categorized in Four Clusters Narcissistic: extreme preoccupation with self, a disdain for others, and preoccupation with being treated superior Borderline: marked by extreme mood swings, fears of abandonment, frequent anger and manipulative behavior Antisocial: extreme disregard for the rules of society, little empathy, and a willingness to hurt others for personal gain Histrionic: emotionally intense, similar to Borderline but often with less anger and more drama;; sometimes fabricates events

Incidence of HCP by Age & Gender Narcissistic = 6.2% (9.4% in 20-29 age group), more Males Borderline = 5.9% (9.3% in 20-29 age group), equal M:F Paranoid = 4.4% (6.8% in 18-29 age group), more Females Antisocial = 3.6% (6.2% in 18-29 age group), more Males Histrionic = 1.8% (3.8% in 18-29 age group), equal M:F

Key Features of HCPs Borderline Fear of abandonment Idealization Devaluation of others Unstable self- image Impulsive behavior Suicidal behavior or threats Unstable moods Chronic emptiness Sudden, intense, extreme anger Paranoia or dissociative Narcissistic Grandiose sense of self- importance Fantasies of success, power, brilliance Demands special treatment Demands admiration Sense of entitlement Relationship Exploitation Lack of empathy Envious Arrogant

Key Features of HCPs Histrionic Demanding of attention Inappropriately seductive Inappropriately provocative Shifting & shallow emotions Physical appearance draws attention Speech is impressionistic & lacks detail Dramatic, theatrical & exaggerated Suggestible Believes relationships are deep than they are Anti- social Repeated violation of social norms/laws Lying and conning Impulsive and fails to plan ahead Irritable & aggressive Reckless Irresponsible Lack of remorse Onset of conduct disorder by Age 15

High Conflict Behaviors Rigid & Uncompromising Difficulty accepting loss Difficulty healing from loss Emotions dominate thinking Inability to reflect on own behavior Difficulty empathizing with others Preoccupied with blaming others Avoids responsibility for the problem or the solution Depends on others to solve problems

The HIGHS and LOWS of HCPs Enduring pattern of behavior From early childhood or adolescence Interpersonal dysfunction Impulse control Outside of cultural norms Extreme thinking Extreme emotions Extreme behavior

HCP CORE FEATURES Lack of self- awareness Why they are the way they are How they contribute to their own problems Or, how to change Aaron Beck (1990) Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders Lack of adaptation Behavior becomes rigidly patterned Social impairment evolves Rigid behavior evokes responses from beliefs Efrain Bleiberg (2001) Treating Personality Disorders in Children & Adolescents

Three- step Cycle of HC Thinking 1)Mistaken Assessment of Danger E.g. being abandoned, treated inferior, ignored, dominated 2)Behavior becomes Aggressively Defensive 3)Negative Feedback HCPs perceive ANY feedback as negative HCP then escalates Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute

Four Key Issues in Managing HCPs Bonding this is a big issue for HCPs. Pay attention to your relationship they seek a dependent relationship and agreement with their thinking through a secure relationship and intense emotions. Structure acknowledge emotion and then focus on tasks. Emotional distresses dominate the HCP, making it hard to think clearly, but they can switch out of these feelings with help. Make lists, gather information, get external help, assign 2-3 things to get done before next meeting. Reality Testing - remain skeptical of the accuracy of their information given their cognitive distortions. Let the HCP know that you may never know the full story but that decisions can be made with what is known! Consequences - HCPs tend not to connect realistic CONSEQUENCES consequences into agreement, prepare for breach, address fear of loss. 19

Key Constructs from the CDP Constructive Conflict Task- focused Conflict (Cognitive) Focus on Task Positive Effect Tension decreases Group functioning increases Conflict de- escalates Emotional Conflict Person- focused Conflict (Affective) Focus on Personal Negative Emotions (anger, frustration) Tension increases Group functioning decreases Conflict escalates Separate the person from the problem C. Runde, Center for Conflict Dynamics 20

Listening using your E.A.R. Empathy Attention Respect Easy to become frustrated with their emotional sensitivity & cognitive distortions & want to withhold positive responses Easy to want revenge and attack or criticize in return Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute 21

Ten Skills for Managing HCPs Lower expectations for change Listen to highly insistent emotions (w/o getting hooked) Understand their logic is fear- based Focus on tasks Emphasize their strengths Reality Test Use indirect confrontations Educate about consequences Include a positive advocate Make recommendations Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute 22

Take an adult time- out meet at another time to resume discussion person demonstrated 23

What to do in Mediation Treat HCP as equal even if roles are imbalanced Be honest about limits of mediation process and the role of mediator Be clear about confidentiality & communication with outside parties Avoid complaining about the case to everyone Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute 24

What to do in Mediation Work extra hard at appearing neutral. Have clients make all process decisions. think about that avoid opening up emotions. Prepare for breach of agreements. Avoid pressing them for agreements; hold back & keep burden on them. Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute 25

Examples Stephanie, the Whirlwind Laura, the piler not the filer 26

- THANK YOU - ACR WORKPLACE SECTION Debra Dupree 1-619- 417-9690 1-800- 743-1973 debradupree@relationshipsthatmatter.com www.relationshipsthatmatter.com

Your Presenter Debra Dupree 1-800- 743-1973 1-619- 417-9690 debradupree@relationshipsthatmatter.com www.relationshipsthatmatter.com Debra has served as the Tri- Chair for the ACR Workplace Section, is the current Newsletter Editor, and is an Advanced Practitioner in Workplace Mediation. She is also a CINERGY Certified Conflict Coach as well as a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist and a High Conflict Diversion Specialist. She is currently a Tri- Chair for the California Host Committee for the 2011 ACR Annual Conference. DEBRA DUPREE, founder of RELATIONSHIPS THAT MATTER, also established Vitali WORCS - Workplace Solutions in 1986, demonstrating early leadership in the application of conflict resolution strategies to workplace issues. Debra thrives as a catalyst for communication, leadership, and problem- solving. She actively demonstrates collaboration through her work with numerous organizations. She demonstrates over 25 years of proven leadership and success in employee relations, team building, leadership development and organizational change. She is a Certified Master Trainer for the Conflict Dynamics Profile and EDGE Systems certified leadership coach. Debra possesses a Master's degree in Education - Counseling Psychology,University of California, Santa Barbara and Pre- doctoral training in Organizational Development & Disability Management, San Diego State University. Debra's commitment focuses on relationships in all walks of life...the workplace, families and divorce, and business partnerships...seeking healthy alternatives to breakdowns in communication. Debra is available for Coaching for Executives, Leaders, Performance Management, Conflict Management, Communications Styles, and Mediator / Negotiator Development.