BEGINNING TECHNIQUES Exercise Page Introduction 7 1 Daily Time For Recovery 11 2 Cleaning House 12 3 Early Prayer 13 4 Reading Recovery Material 14 5 Call Someone 15 6 Going To Meetings 16 7 Evening Prayer 17 8 The Five Commandments - A 90 Day Check List 18 9 Maximized Thinking 20 10 Retraining The Brain 21 11 Beginners Bibliotherapy 22 12 The One-Second Rule 23 13 Prayer for Those We Objectify 24 14 Looking Them In the Eyes 25 15 Test Yourself 26 16 Trigger Groups 27 17 Where Not To Go 28 18 Who I Shouldn't See 29 19 Boundaries: Entertainment 30 20 Boundaries: Objects 34 21 Boundaries: Being Sexual With Myself 35 22 Masturbation Checklist 36 23 The Internet Problem 37 24 Listing My Boundaries 38 25 Boundaries About Boundaries 40 26 Sexual Boundaries 41 27 Sexual Boundaries For The Unmarried 43 28 Rerouting 44 29 Defensive Driving 45 30 Accountability: Time 46 31 Accountability: Money 47 32 Step One 48 33 90 Meetings in 90 Days 49 34 Using Check-In times 50 35 My Sponsor 51 36 Identifying and Communicating Feelings 52 37 Dangerous "E" Zones 54
38 Action Plan For My Feelings 55 39 Avoid H.A.L.T. 56 40 My Worst Moment 58 41 What My Addiction Cost Me 59 42 Cost Card 60 43 Reward Card 61 44 Calling Card 62 45 Turning "It" Over 63 46 Relapse and Research 64 47 Travel Tips 65 PERSONAL GROWTH TECHNIQUES 48 Step Two 69 49 What My Addiction Gave Me 70 50 Thank You Letter 71 51 What My Addiction Has Taken From Me 72 52 Good-bye Letter 74 53 Empty Chair 75 54 Grief Stages 76 55 Meeting My Needs 77 56 My Partner 78 57 Step Three 79 58 Five Years From Now: Unrecovered 80 59 Picture Yourself: Unrecovered 81 60 Five Years From Now: Recovering 82 61 Picture Yourself: Recovering 84 62 My Family and Addiction 85 63 Sex Addiction In My Family 86 64 My Sexual History 87 65 Sex Cycles and Strategies 88 66 Types of Sex 89 67 Sexual Systems 90 68 Sexual Assertiveness 91 69 Rejection Desensitization 92 70 Sex Talk 93 71 Sex: Spirit, Soul and Body 94 72 Sex Tips 95 73 My Sex Plan 96 74 Professional Counseling 97 75 Read A Book on Partners/Intimacy Anorexia 98 76 Step Four 99 77 Step Five 100 78 The Gospel 101 79 Growing Up 102 80 My Relationship With Dad 105 81 My Relationship With Mom 107 82 My Relationship With God 109 83 Abuses and Neglects 112 84 My Perpetrators 113
85 What You Did to Me 114 86 Ranking My Perpetrator(s) 115 87 Letter(s) To My Perpetrator(s) 116 88 Step Six 117 89 Step Seven 118 90 The Victims 119 91 How I Hurt Them 120 92 Empathy Letter 121 93 Self Forgiveness 122 94 But God... 123 95 Step Eight 124 96 Step Nine 125 MAINTENANCE TECHNIQUES 97 Step Ten 128 98 Developing New Interests 129 99 Step Eleven 130 100 Step Twelve 131 101 Giving It Away 132 APPENDIX 133
101 PRACTICAL EXERCISES 7 101 Practical Exercises for Sexual Addiction Recovery has been written for sex addicts desiring techniques to assist them through the recovery process. As a psychologist, researcher, author, and lecturer on sexual addiction, I have counseled many sex addicts in my outpatient Colorado Spring's based office as well as doing three day and five day sexual addiction intensives. The exercises and principles I have compiled on the following pages have successfully helped many addicts for over 25 years begin and maintain recovery from sexual addiction. This book is laid out in chronological order of progression for addicts as they recover from sexual addiction. The journey of recovery teaches us "first things first." I encourage you not to pick and choose which exercises you will or will not do but rather receive from each exercise the insight it has to offer after you complete the exercise. This book can most certainly be used in conjunction with therapy or as part of the 12 step relationships you may develop along your journey in recovery. My hope is that you receive the precious gift of recovery and maintain it the rest of your life for your benefit and for the benefit of other loved ones. If I can be of any service along your way, feel free to visit us on the web at www.sexaddict.com or write to Heart to Heart Counseling Center, P.O. Box 51055, Colorado Springs, CO 80949 or call 719-278-3708. Some of our services include books, DVD's, etc., all available electronically on our website for sexual addicts and their partners, telephone counseling and 3-5 day Intensive Workshops for individuals or couples. For more in-depth services see the Appendix of this book. We look forward to helping you. Douglas Weiss Executive Director Heart to Heart Counseling Center heart2heart@xc.org www.sexaddict.com 719-278-3708
101 PRACTICAL EXERCISES 11 1 DAILY TIME FOR RECOVERY Recovery, especially from sexual addiction, will probably be one of the more difficult undertakings of your life. Many sex addicts in their acting out days, have clocked in hundreds and sometimes thousands of hours repetitively conditioning themselves in a sexually addictive manner. Many have relied heavily upon their sexual acting out as a primary coping mechanism during adolescence and throughout adulthood before they begin their sexual addiction recovery. Recovery is consistent and demanding work. Remember what got you into your addiction was consistent behavior (toward the addiction). It only makes sense that consistent work is going to be a big part of recovery and reconditioning into a life of sobriety. You will need daily time set aside to complete the many exercises you will be exposed to in this book. These exercises have been proven to work but only if you take the time to do them. This is consistent with the fact that in most areas of life, what you invest into something, is also what you get out. So, whether you need to put this in your phone calendar or just sit down and have a talk with yourself or your partner, try to come up with at least 15-30 minutes daily in order to work on your recovery from sexual addiction. Fifteen to thirty minutes daily will make a big difference in how long it will take you to experience recovery. This of course is not the total amount of time you will need as we will discuss later about support groups. Scheduling these meetings in your calendar will also be a very important part of your sobriety!
12 101 PRACTICAL EXERCISES 2 CLEANING HOUSE This exercise may be quite obvious to many sex addicts but for the benefit of those who have never read anything about sexual addiction recovery, it must be discussed. Cleaning house at the beginning of recovery will save you from the experience of keeping that "one" magazine, DVD, computer file, or open access to the internet that could possibly cause you to relapse. Many sex addicts that I have counseled with had their first relapse with "the one I didn't throw away." To prevent this event from happening, it is imperative to throw away (don't try to sell or inflict this material on anyone else) any item that could cause you to relapse. For some sex addicts, this will be a magazine, a DVD, an article of clothes or possibly a computer file. To clean house a little bit further you may want to consider cancelling cable television, internet access, magazine subscriptions or any other material that could be a threat to your sobriety during the first 90 days of your recovery. In the beginning of your recovery, it is much better to error on the side of being too cautious than to error on the side of not being cautious enough. Some of these more restrictive boundaries can be changed to be less restrictive in the future when your recovery is not as fragile as it is in the beginning. This exercise can be a great beginning for your recovery. If you feel you need help to clean house (not only where you live, but your office, car, cell phone or computer) of materials so that you don't feel pulled into acting out with hidden material, you may want to ask a friend or support group member who has some stable sobriety. Perhaps your partner could be helpful if she can be supportive through this exercise. For some sex addicts, cleaning house is a new beginning. It's a time you mark as the beginning of your journey. This is a great way to start your recovery and remove some of the possibilities for future stumbles. 1. 3. 2. 4. The day I cleaned my house was
101 PRACTICAL EXERCISES 13 3 EARLY PRAYER 1st Commandment Prayer is something that many sexual addicts find difficult to do. This is especially true if they have been avoiding God because of the shame and guilt of their behavior or possibly what was done to them in the past. Prayer is simply a behavior that when put in place, can change the addict's disposition. We know from other addictions that an addiction is basically self will run riot. This expression of addiction is basically "doing your own thing." The first thing in the morning, take time out to pray. Prayer at this point, does not mean that you have to believe in God. It simply means to pray. When the old timers in Alcoholics Anonymous went to their meetings, they didn't say, "Well if you believe in God, pray." They said, "get on your knees and pray." If you don't believe in God, talk to Him about it. Say, "God, I don't believe in You, but I'm supposed to pray. I want to be a recovering sexual addict. Would you help me stay sober today?" From that point on, you can discuss any of your issues that you want to talk to Him about. He is able to handle the hurt, anger, fear, anxiety, and any other feelings you have kept from Him. Prayer is a way for you to behaviorally change yourself. Sexual addiction behavior for many addicts starts early in the day. Not necessarily the first thing in the morning, but maybe in the shower, on the way to work, or while driving. Prayer is preventative. It is a way of acknowledging that you are a sexual addict and are in desperate need of sobriety. Without sobriety, the addict is on a path to self destruction, not only in their own life but more than likely those around them have been devastated, either through their anger, depression or acting out behavior. The addict is in a fight every day, especially the first thirty to ninety days. The first thirty days to ninety days is the toughest period of recovery for the sexual addict so make sure you connect with God. Your prayer doesn't have to be long. Prayer may or may not make you feel better instantly, but it is one of the Five Commandments (which we will be discussing in a later exercise) that if applied to you life, you will reap the benefits. Prayer is one of the many new tools that you can have as a recovering person. The day I started to pray in the morning was