Asperger Syndrome and Marriage Gisela and Chris Slater-Walker
Essential Requirements (Formal) diagnosis accepted by both partners Mutual desire to have a working relationship Mutual willingness to learn BUT this mutuality of desire/willingness has not been expressed in a togetherness of approach
Background Met at university in 1985 Moved in together 1989 Son born 1992 Chris diagnosed with ASD 1997
Chris Why I Wanted a Relationship Wanted to share something with someone though not sure what Was very lonely thought that I would be able to talk to someone in a relationship Also heterosexual male Possibly children
How the relationship began University a good place similar interests Initiated by Gisela because of Chris linguistic ability Opposites in personality
Early Days. What Sustained the Relationship? Limited emotional and time demands from Gisela Chris s linguistic ability Mutual interests doing same course music / culture political sympathies Physical attraction
Chris Early Days - What Endangered the Unreasonable demands on my time Didn t have control over Gisela s presence Realised, possibly in theory, that you had to be with someone to have a relationship but in practice difficult Relationship? Gisela Found aspects of Chris s behaviour uncomfortable Apparently rude and ungrateful to parents But appeared he wanted to be helpful just painfully shy and according to a friend the quietest person I have ever met
Differences in behaviour Obvious difficulty in talking about self/emotions Lack of understanding of dating etiquette Trying rather then wanting to do the right thing Tidiness unusual for a student
Pre-Diagnosis Difficulties - Gisela Vital Routines Discussion of difficulties impossible Chris seemed determined not to Apparent hostility Apparent indifference to family members needs Unable to use feminine wiles Sleep issues
Pre-diagnosis Difficulties - Chris Saw Gisela as the one with the problems - not me I was reasonably happy, could not understand why Gisela was not Gisela has different ideas of what is important relationship with the children and people far more important to her than things being in the right place distressing for me when something is not in the right place Gisela would want to discuss things at night when I wanted to sleep
Family relationships Chris found the presence of strangers children s friends - in the house difficult Lack of social life Relationship with parents deteriorating Led to temporary separation
Diagnosis Why Important? Chris always felt socially handicapped diagnosis would provide a reason for this rather than it being a personal inadequacy Gisela Chris either unwilling or unable to engage fully in a close relationship needed to know which
Initial Reaction to DSM-IV Chris - Sceptical, it seemed people with AS acted irrationally and I acted rationally Gisela Astonished, a description of Chris s idiosyncrasies
There is no doubt in my mind that you are on the autistic spectrum and have Asperger Syndrome
Help Available to the Able Adult with Medication Family Asperger Syndrome
Professional Help Available to Families of the Able Adult with AS
Other Help Available for Partners in Asperger Marriages Literature by professionals, people with AS and partners Support groups national and local Internet lists Extended family Good friends
AS Features Causing Difficulties Lack of empathy Inability to mind-read Effects of stress on the AS partner Communication difficulties personal and work relationships
Non-Spectrum Features Causing Difficulties Lack of Appreciation of: stress caused by daily living with AS need for space misunderstanding not only one way Need for reassurance of affection Need for conversation and social interaction Need to be understood
Essential problem is communication
Verbal Communication Conversation AS partner: has a lack of ability to initiate has literal understanding has no innate understanding of structure of conversation simply does not know what to say
Communication Conversation structure difficulties turn-taking need for processing time causes delay in replying, particularly noticeable over abstract issues, e.g. emotions The appearance is that the person with AS does not want to communicate or is unfriendly unfortunate in a close relationship
Non-verbal Communication A real problem: lack of facial expression and other non verbal communication leads to much mutual misunderstanding Mood, or attitude of the person with AS is easily misread
Coping Strategies 1 Awareness of differences in communication - more than one way of saying sorry - use of computer email or messenger services The intent of the person with AS should be appreciated - care more likely to be shown in practical ways
Employment Issues Communication difficulties extend to other aspects of life AS partner may appreciate help over work issues and relationships Interview techniques and advice
Social Issues Separate social lives need not be detrimental to a marriage Social occasions based on an activity concert, theatre or quiz more successful Purely social occasions should be limited to small groups of quiet people in quiet surroundings More appreciation of friends and family
Sex! Yes Result of sex is
Parenting Chris George is my friend and my child Chris very conscientious George aware of Chris s AS Obvious capacity for caring and many parenting skills have grown with practise, as with NT parents.
Outstanding issues - Gisela Still little relationship with my own children Sleep still an issue Discomfort at strangers in the house Still dislikes things out of place Habitual cleaning rather than required cleaning Lack of communication can make my children feel uncomfortable Talking to himself
Outstanding issues - Chris Sometimes feel that Gisela expects more than I can deliver Gisela is untidy Gisela snores Gisela s children are noisy
The good bits (Gisela about Chris) Objective about current affairs Abhors prejudice Clear sense of right and wrong Faithful Cares for and respects me Allows me to be independent Listens Sense of humour
The Good Bits (Chris about Gisela) A good friend and reliable guide Unusually good insight into peoples mind A trustworthy advisor Understanding and accepting Allows me to do my own thing but not to excess
The Future Chris s relationship with his parents is much improved Still problems with my three children difficult to redress Not currently planning An Asperger Divorce