WHEN WE RE NOT GETTING ALONG FEELINGS, THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIORS Name Date INSTRUCTIONS Check all the statements that reflect the way you feel or what you do when you and your spouse are fighting or not getting along. Look back over the list and circle a few to indicate the most important items. WHAT I DO I attack I avoid conflict I become cold or aloof I blame I clam up I criticize I defend I leave I get quiet I withdraw WHAT I FEEL I feel abandoned I feel afraid I feel alone or lonely I feel analyzed I feel angry I feel attacked I feel blamed or criticized I feel blank I feel confused I feel controlled I feel disappointed I feel disconnected I feel discounted I feel invalidated I feel isolated I feel judged I feel let down I feel like clinging to my partner I feel like getting back I feel like protecting myself I feel down or depressed I feel empty I feel flooded with emotion I feel frustrated I feel guarded I feel guilty I feel hopeless I feel hurt I feel like I don t know what I have done I feel that I don t matter I feel that I ve failed I feel ignored I feel inadequate I feel sad I feel shut out or pushed away I feel small or insignificant I feel smothered I feel unable to calm myself down I feel unable to focus my thoughts I feel unattractive 1
I feel misunderstood I feel my partner is never there for me I feel numb I feel overwhelmed I feel put down I feel rejected I feel uncared for or unwanted I feel unimportant I feel unlovable I feel vulnerable I feel worried or nervous I feel I have trouble putting thoughts into words IN MY BODY I FEEL I feel my heart speeding up I feel pressure in my chest I feel tightness in my throat I feel uneasy in my stomach HOW WE INTERACT DURING CONFLICT During an argument, I become silent, withdrawn and don t want to discuss things. I often get angry and critical to get my partner to talk. I often want to avoid talking about our relationship. I often want to push my partner to talk about our relationship. My partner often pushes an issue and won t let it drop. My partner withdraws a lot and won t face an issue when I want to talk. OTHER FEELINGS 2
UNDERSTANDING YOUR NEGATIVE CYCLE INSTRUCTIONS Couples get caught in negative cycles. A cycle is a repeating pattern of negative behaviors, thoughts and feelings that causes distress. You react to your partner s reactions and your partner reacts to your reactions and you go round and round in a never-ending cycle. Understanding and untangling your negative cycles is a first step in climbing out of distress. To start understanding your negative cycles, answer the following questions. When my partner and I are not getting along: 1. I often react by (describe your behaviors)... 2. My partner often reacts to me by (describe his or her behavior)... 3. When my partner reacts this way, I often feel... 3
4. When I feel this way, I see myself as... 5. When I feel this way, I long for or need... 6. When I react the way I do, I guess that my partner feels... 7. Describe your repeating cycle (include how you and your partner trigger each other s feelings, thoughts and behaviors). 4
Perceptions/Attributions Action Tendancy Secondary Emotion Primary Emotion Unmet Attachment Needs Needs Fears Need for Acceptance Fear of Being Rejected Need for Closeness Fear of Being Abandoned Need for Understanding Fear of Not Measuring Up Need to Feel Important Fear of Being a Failure Need to Feel Loved Fear of Not Being Accepted Need for Appreciation Fear of Not Being Valued Need for Your Spouse to Reflect to You the Good Things About You Aspen Therapy 3707 Fear of Being Unlovable Fear of Being Controlled N. Canyon Road Suite 2C Provo UT 84604 801-225-3111 Action Tendancy Perceptions/Attributions Secondary Emotion Primary Emotion Unmet Attachment Needs Needs Fears Need for Acceptance Fear of Being Rejected Need for Closeness Fear of Being Abandoned Need for Understanding Fear of Not Measuring Up Need to Feel Important Fear of Being a Failure Need to Feel Loved Fear of Not Being Accepted Need for Appreciation Fear of Not Being Valued Need for Your Spouse to Reflect to You the Good Things About You Fear of Being Unlovable Fear of Being Controlled
YOUR RELATIONSHIP DANCE INSTRUCTIONS How strong and secure is the emotional bond you have with your partner? Are you accessible, responsive and emotionally engaged? See if you can summarize the pattern that takes over your relationship by filling in the blanks in the following statements. Then edit them into a paragraph that best fits you and your relationship. Share it with your partner. 1. When, I do not feel safely connected to you. Fill in the cue that starts up the music of disconnection, e.g., when you say you are too tired for sex and we have not made love for a few weeks, when we fight about my parenting, when we don t seem to speak for days. No big, general abstract statements or disguised blaming is allowed here, so you can t say things like when you are just being difficult as usual. That is cheating. Be concrete and specific. 2. I tend to. I move this way in our dance to try to copy with difficult feelings and find a way to change our dance. Choose an action word, a verb, e.g., complain, nag, zone out, ignore you, run, move away. 6
3. I do it in the hope that. State the hope that pulls you into the dance, e.g., we will avoid more conflict or I will persuade you to respond to me more. 4. As this pattern keeps going, I feel. Identify a feeling. The usual feelings that people can identify at this point are frustration, anger, numbness, emptiness or confusion. 5. What I then say to myself about our relationship is. Summarize the most catastrophic conclusion you can imagine, e.g., You do not care about us, I am not important to you, I can never please you. 7
6. My understanding of the circular dance that makes it harder and harder for us to safely connect is that when I move in the way I described above, you seem to then. Choose an action word, a verb, e.g., shut down, push me to respond. 7. The more I, the more you. We are then both trapped in the pain and isolation. Insert verbs that describe your own and your partner s moves in the dance. 8. Maybe we can warn each other when this dance begins. We can call it. Seeing this dance is our first step out of the circle of disconnection. 8