The First Step We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. The Big Book Study Group of South Orange, New Jersey
The 1 st chapter of the Twelve and Twelve reveals a stark fact most alcoholics in A.A. can readily identify with. It says on page 24: Under the lash of alcoholism, we are driven to A.A., and there we discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then, and only then, do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be. 12&12 p.24 Most of us arrive in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous having already begun to take the 1 st step to some extent. If we have come of our own accord we usually arrive in A.A. having already concluded that alcohol is causing problems and consequences in our lives. Perhaps it is our health, our job, or our finances that are suffering; perhaps it is our relationship with our spouse or other family members. Whatever the reason, we are usually in pain, sick and suffering, and have begun to suspect that we may need help. The newcomer who finds himself in this position is at the turning point. The big book tells them on page 58 if he or she can decide they want what we have, and are willing to go to any length to get it, then they are ready to certain steps. Have you decided that you want what we have? Are you willing to go to any length to get it? If you can answer yes to both of these questions then you are ready to follow our path. Our path is a series of exceedingly simple steps which if practiced as a way of life can expel your obsession to drink and enable you to become happily and usefully whole. We can now begin by learning the meaning of A.A. s first step in its program of recovery. You can t take any of the steps unless you first understand their meaning. In order to take this step to recovery we must examine our situation and make certain conclusions. Let s consider the following questions: How do I know if I am an alcoholic? What does it mean to be an alcoholic? What is the fatal nature of our situation? In order to answer these inquiries fully, the newcomer, with the help of a sponsor, should read the first forty-three pages of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. There the newcomer will learn something of alcoholism, the distinction between the alcoholic and nonalcoholic and the progressive and fatal nature of our illness. At the beginning of Chapter Four on page 44 of the big book, you will find a description of the alcoholic. If, when you honestly want to, you find you can not quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. - BB 2 nd Edition p. 44 2
Does this description apply to you? When you re-examine your drinking career have you tried to stop on your own? Perhaps you ve had successful periods of abstinence. Most alcoholics can stop for periods of time. Sometimes an alcoholic can abstain for months or even years. However most alcoholics, after a period of abstinence, will return to drinking right where they left or most likely even further down the road with harder drinking and worse consequences. This is one major characteristic of the progressive nature of the illness known as alcoholism. The fact that you can periodically stop drinking is much less a factor in qualifying you as alcoholic as is the question, "when drinking can you control the amount you take"? Are you able to consistently have one or two drinks? Or, are you the type, that once you start drinking, despite your desire and intention to drink in moderation, you consume more than you originally intended and end up drunk? The first step is described in Chapter Three of the Twelve & Twelve as a conclusion of the mind, that is, it is not an action or working step. We are required to admit that two conditions are present in our lives: 1. that we are powerless over alcohol 2. that our lives had become unmanageable. Now these are not exactly main stream ideas. Prior to coming to A.A., we usually can t recall ever having heard these terms or ideas (powerless and unmanageable) used to describe our life or our circumstances. In order to better understand what the first step requires us to admit, we need to clearly understand what powerless and unmanageable are defined as in the context of our program. The words powerless and unmanageable are only used once in the big book and that is in the wording of the step itself on page 59, so we are left to discover the meaning of these words by referring to the dictionary. pow er less adj. 1. Lacking strength or power; helpless and totally ineffectual. 2. Lacking legal or other authority. From the definition we can see that the first usage given, lacking strength or power and helpless and totally ineffectual are the intended usage. We lack the power to change our actions relating to alcohol. We lack the power to manage the decision whether to drink or not as we have lost the power to choose. We are helpless when it comes to controlling the amount of alcohol we take once we start drinking, and our will power to stop drinking (or stay stopped) is totally ineffectual. In the Doctors Opinion, on page xxvi of the big book Dr. Silkworth explains alcoholism, in part, as the manifestation of an allergy. 3
We believe, and so suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is the manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; BB 2 nd Ed. p.xxvi An allergy can be defined as an unusual sensitivity of the body to a particular substance which causes certain people to be affected in a bad way, by something usually harmless. According to Dr. Silkworth s theory, the alcoholic s allergy to alcohol is manifested by the phenomenon of craving, something that never occurs in the average drinker who does not suffer from this sensitivity or allergy. The following is not A.A. information but we think it important enough to review as it confirms Dr. Silkworth s theories. The Disease of Mind and Body* The Body: Scientific research has found that there is sound reasoning in Doctor Silkworth s theory. Research has been able to demonstrate that the physical powerlessness, allergy or sensitivity is the result of a dysfunctional liver and pancreas. These vital organs, in people who exhibit the allergy, (alcoholics) do not produce the enzymes, in sufficient quantity and or quality, necessary to complete the chemical decomposition of ethanol through the body. In the metabolism of alcohol, enzymes convert the ethanol first into acetaldehyde. Acetaldehyde is a highly toxic substance and deadly to human tissue. Acetaldehyde is then quickly broken down by other enzymes into diacetic acid, then acetate, and in the last stage acetate is broken down into water, carbon dioxide and sugar. The water is expelled from the body through the urinary tract, the carbon dioxide through the respiratory system and the sugar is either burned up through physical exercise or converted to fat and stored for later use. If a person is not an alcoholic, they can normally drink approximately one ounce of alcohol per hour without getting sick or drunk. Not the alcoholic. The chemical decomposition of the ethanol through the alcoholic's body follows the same process until it reaches the "acetate" compound and then the liver and pancreas fail to produce sufficient enzymes to complete the decomposition process. When acetate remains in the body for any appreciable period of time it actually produces the physical craving that demands the alcoholic have another drink. This deprives the alcoholic of the ability to control the amount they drink once they have started. In the normal temperate drinker, the acetate is quickly metabolized so they never experience the physical craving that the alcoholic does. As we continue to drink, the long term effects of acetaldehyde damage our liver and pancreas, the very organs needed to produce the enzymes to metabolize alcohol, which are already in short supply or of poor quality. * "ALCOHOLISM - New Light on the Disease." John Wallace, PhD., Edgehill Publications 4
There you have the progressive nature of the disease. The more we drink and the longer we drink, the worse it becomes. Even after we stop, our physical sensitivity or allergy will continue to progress. Now if the physical allergy was our only problem we could probably learn to live with this. A person who has an allergy to a particular food learns to avoid that food if every time they eat it they end up in the hospital. But the alcoholic suffers from a second odd symptom known as the obsession of the mind. After we stop drinking and the physical craving has ceased, our minds tell us it s ok to drink again. In fact our minds will convince us in the most insane fashion why it s ok to drink, how it will be different this time and how it won t hurt us again. This is the powerless condition that we need to make the 100% admission and ultimately accept as the truth if we are to recover. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the desire or the wish. BB 2 nd Edition p. 34 We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink, as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men. We are equally positive that once he takes any alcohol whatsoever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop. The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm this. These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic, centers in his mind rather than in his body. BB 2 nd Edition p. 22 & 23 So we start to see that the real problem stems from our inability to stay stopped. There is nothing we can do for the physical part of this illness, this sensitivity we have to alcohol, this allergy that results in the phenomenon of craving as Dr. Silkworth described it. The allergy is only triggered once we take the first drink; therefore our real problem is avoiding the first drink. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence. BB 2 nd Edition p. xxviii Why is it that we are unable to stay stopped on our own will power and volition? What is the explanation for this obsession to drink that resides in our minds? Again, what follows is not A.A. information but it does seem to answer the question. The Mind: Quite by accident, Medical Science has found an explanation for the obsession of the mind A Ph.D. doing research on brain tumors found expired alcoholics a good source of material for her studies. When one of them was found dead in the skid row areas of Houston, their bodies would be brought into the lab and their brains dissected and studied. After examining the brain of several victims, she came to the conclusion that they 5
were heroin addicts. She came to that conclusion as the result of finding a significant amount of a highly addictive chemical named Tetrahydroisoquinolines (THIQ) deposited in the inner core of the brain of her specimens. Prior to this finding, THIQ had only been observed as the result of a chemical reducing process of heroin and limited to addicts. Some Family Physicians informed her that the "addicts" she had been working with were not "addicts' but were, in fact, alcoholics, "winos". They didn't use nor could they afford heroin. A cheap bottle of wine was their daily "bill of fare". So the question was raised, "How did the THIQ find its way into the brain of these chronic alcoholics?" Looking back at the process of the chemical decomposition of ethanol through the body of an alcoholic, we notice that the first product is acetaldehyde. It has been found that the acetaldehyde combines with neurotransmitters in the brain fluids to produce the THIQ which is then deposited in the primitive part of the brain where the basic instincts of a human exist. Acetaldehyde + Neurotransmitters = Tetrahydroisoquinolines When THIQ is infused into animal brains, it produces what seems to be irreversible addictive drinking. Such animals, prior to being infused with THIQ would not drink even a highly diluted solution of alcohol. After being infused, they would drink alcoholic solutions and die just as many alcoholic humans do. Once the THIQ has been deposited, there seems to be no known way to remove it from the brain of its victims. Every time the alcoholic drinks anything containing alcohol, more molecules of THIQ are produced and deposited to that very critical part of the brain. Therefore, the alcoholic mind manifested in the chronic alcoholic appears to be a permanent condition. Hopefully we are starting to understand the hopeless nature of our malady and its powerless condition. The alcoholic mind tells us it s ok to drink regardless of the consequences; the physical allergy condemns us to keep drinking once we start. The mind destroys the body through drinking and the body s faulty metabolism destroying the mind. When this sort of thinking, and this type of reaction, is fully established in the alcoholic he has probably placed himself beyond human aid and unless locked up may die or go permanently insane. We have become completely powerless over alcohol. The second portion of step one is the idea that our lives had become unmanageable. Referring back to our dictionary we find, un man age a ble adj. 1. Difficult or impossible to manage, 6
Many people in A.A. think that the unmanageability stated in step one has to do with, the fights, the divorces, the unpaid bills, DUIs, hospitals, jails, etc. That is not what Bill Wilson meant when he stated our lives had become unmanageable. Instead the idea can be found in the ABCs on page 60 of the 4 th edition of the Big Book. Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas: (a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives (b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism (c) That God could and would if He were sought The description of the unmanageable life can be found on page 52 of the big book: We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people - BB 2 nd Edition p.52 Because we were alcoholic; so there was no way we could manage our own lives. The Oxford Group, which helped Bill Wilson to sobriety, showed its members that they had not been successful in managing their own lives because first, it was not their job to do and second because they lacked the Power in their life by which they could live successfully. The Oxford Group book For Sinners Only showed Bill the solution in the thought: Oh God, manage me, for I cannot manage myself. When the manager is no longer able to manage and his charge becomes unmanageable then its time to find a new manager. Because of our powerless condition and especially because of the obsession of the mind we are unable to make any intelligent or guided decisions, such as not to drink. We are blocked from the Sunlight of the Spirit. We can only give in to the obsession and once again drink after we have briefly stopped. This admittance of unmanageability leaves us at the threshold of the second step where we begin to believe we need new management in our lives if we are to be restored to sanity. Now that we understand what it means to be powerless and unmanageable we can hopefully admit these facts. Let s refer to the dictionary one last time to understand what is meant by admitted. 7
ad mit v. ad mit ted, v. tr. 1. To grant to be real, valid, or true; acknowledge: admit the truth. 2. To grant as true or valid, as for the sake of argument; concede. We can see from the definition that the most appropriate use of the word admitted is that we are going to acknowledge and concede that the powerless and unmanageable conditions exist in our lives. A logical question one might ask would be to whom are we supposed to admit this to? Our book gives us the answer on page 30. We learned that we had to concede to our inner-most self that we were alcoholic. BB 2 nd Ed. p.33 We can now complete Step One by answering two questions found in the big book: Have you abandoned any lurking notion or reservation that someday you will be immune to alcohol? BB 2 nd Edition p.33 Can you now concede to your inner-most self that you are alcoholic and can not manage your own life? BB 2 nd Edition p.30 If you can answer yes to these questions then you are through with step one! This admittance of unmanageability leaves us at the threshold of the second step where we are asked if we can begin to believe that we need new management in our lives if we are to be restored to sanity. Some closing thoughts. Step One tells us we are powerless over alcohol and the big book does imply that we lack the Power to have a successful life. The literature of A.A. does not say we are powerless over people, places and things. People, places and things never did get us drunk. Yes, they can make us thirsty as hell but they can't make us drink. We drink because we are powerless to prevent it. The main object of the A.A. program of recovery is to enable you to find the Power which will solve your problem (alcoholism). For the person who is powerless, (we are no longer talking about alcohol) the solution lies in finding the needed Power. Lack of power that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this power. BB 2 nd Edition p. 45 The Big Book Study Group of South Orange, New Jersey 8
STEP 1 NOTES 9