2011 Assertiveness Training Martin Zander
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M. Zander Assertiveness Training This book has been purchased online on: XinXii.com ebooks & documents from indie authors http://www.xinxii.com 3
Copyright, Legal Notice and Disclaimer: This publication is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws, and all rights are reserved, including resale rights: you are not allowed to give or sell this Guide to anyone else. If you received this publication from anyone other than xinxii.com, you've received a pirated copy. Please note that much of this publication is based on personal experience and anecdotal evidence. Although the author and publisher have made every reasonable attempt to achieve complete accuracy of the content in this Guide, they assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Also, you should use this information as you see fit, and at your own risk. Your particular situation may not be exactly suited to the examples illustrated here; in fact, it's likely that they won't be the same, and you should adjust your use of the information and recommendations accordingly. Any trademarks, service marks, product names or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference. There is no implied endorsement if we use one of these terms. Finally, use your head. Nothing in this Guide is intended to replace common sense, legal, medical or other professional advice, and is meant to inform and entertain the reader. So have fun with the ebook, and get your stuff done. Copyright 2011 Martin Zander. All rights reserved worldwide. 4
Contents Introduction... 6 Purpose... 6 Step One... 7 Step Two... 9 Step Three... 13 Step Four... 15 Common problems... 16 Effectiveness Advantages and Dangers... 16 Practice giving assertive responses... 17 5
Introduction All of us should insist on being treated fairly; we have to stand up for our rights without violating the rights of others. This means tactfully, justly, and effectively expressing our preferences, needs, opinions and feelings. Psychologist call that being "assertive," as distinguished from being unassertive (weak, passive, compliant, self sacrificing) or aggressive (self centered, inconsiderate, hostile, arrogantly demanding). Because some people want to be "nice" and "not cause trouble," they "suffer in silence," "turn the other cheek," and assume nothing can be done to change their situation or "it is our cross to bear." The rest of us appreciate pleasant, accommodating people but whenever a "nice" person permits a greedy, dominant person to take advantage of him/her, the passive person is not only cheating him/herself but also reinforcing unfair, self centered behavior in the aggressive person. That's how chauvinists are created. Purpose Assertiveness is an antidote to fear, shyness, passivity, and even anger, so there is an astonishingly wide range of situations in which this training is appropriate. Factor analysis of several assertiveness scales has suggested several kinds of behavior are involved. To speak up, make requests, ask for favors and generally insist that your rights be respected as a significant, equal human being. To overcome the fears and self depreciation that keep you from doing these things. To express negative emotions (complaints, resentment, criticism, disagreement, intimidation, the desire to be left alone) and to refuse requests. 6
To show positive emotions (joy, pride, liking someone, attraction) and to give compliments. Accept compliments with "Thank you." To ask why and question authority or tradition, not to rebel but to assume responsibility for asserting your share of control of the situation and to make things better. You are no one's slave. To initiate, carry on, change and terminate conversations comfortably. Share your feelings, opinions and experiences with others. To deal with minor irritations before your anger builds into intense resentment and explosive aggression. Step One Realize where changes are needed and believe in your rights Many people recognize they are being taken advantage of and/or have difficulty saying "no." Others do not see themselves as unassertive but do feel depressed or unfulfilled, have lots of physical ailments, have complaints about work but assume the boss or teacher has the right to demand whatever he/she wants, etc. Nothing will change until the victim recognizes his/her rights are being denied and he/she decides to correct the situation. Keeping a diary may help you assess how intimidated, compliant, passive or timid you are or how demanding, whiny, bitchy or aggressive others are. Almost everyone can cite instances or circumstances in which he/she has been outspoken or aggressive. These instances may be used to deny we are unassertive in any way. However, many of us are weak in some ways we can't say "no" to a friend asking a favor, we can't give or take a compliment, we let a spouse or children control our lives, we won't speak up in 7