First Step to Intimacy A Guide for Working the First Step on Intimacy and Sexual Avoidance or Sexual Anorexia Step One: "We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior that our lives had become unmanageable." (Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 20) With the First Step we began to take an honest look at ourselves and our actions. A traditional SAA First Step is likely to focus on the powerlessness and unmanageability of acting out behaviors such as "promiscuity, infidelity, compulsive masturbation, prostitution, sexual assault, molestation, and exhibitionism." (Recovery from Compulsive Sexual Avoidance - A Return to Intimacy) This guide, however, helps highlight "behavior that serves to avoid or block sexual, emotional, or spiritual intimacy with others, ourselves, or our Higher Power." (Recovery from Compulsive Sexual Avoidance - A Return to Intimacy) The spotlighting of powerlessness and unmanageability of intimacy avoidance or sabotage is one of the key differences between this guide and the pamphlet, First Step to Recovery - A Guide to working the First Step. Many people use the words "sex" and "intimacy" interchangeably. However, they are not the same thing. Intimacy means a close, familiar, and usually affectionate personal relationship with self, others, or Higher Power. A person can have friendships or relationships that are intimate but not sexual, and many sex addicts have learned that a person can have sex without being intimate. Using sex as a drug to medicate uncomfortable emotions does not promote connection. Anonymous sex is non-intimate, but even sex within a committed partnership can be non-intimate for someone who is relying on fantasy or other stimulation to accomplish a goal without becoming emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes preventing closeness is taken to an extreme. Due to painful experiences in the past, trusting others may have become increasingly difficult, culminating in the inability to respond emotionally and/or physically when someone invites connection or intimacy. Though this "shutting down" may have caused feelings of grief and shame, it also gave us the illusion of power or control. "For some of us, the compulsive avoidance of sex and intimacy became a destructive pattern, dominating our thoughts and actions. We may always have felt unable or unwilling to be sexual. Or we may have experienced periods of feeling 'shut down' alternating with other periods of sexual acting out. We have come to realize that both extremes represent symptoms of the same disease. Whether we were acting out or not being sexual at all, our addiction involved being emotionally unavailable." (Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 6) "Some of us have experienced the avoidance of sex as addictive, in some cases choosing to identify as sexual anorexics. In the same way that compulsive starving of oneself, or anorexia, is considered an eating disorder, avoidance of sex can be seen as an addictive sexual behavior. Some of us have found ourselves shut down sexually in recovery, afraid of sex because of its association in our minds with our addiction or with past sexual trauma, or because of a fear of intimacy and vulnerability. 1
Trying to control our sexuality in this way is just another symptom of our disease." (Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 72) "Most of us came to our first Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting when we could no longer deny that we had a problem [Acting out] behaviors seemed like the part of an iceberg that we could see above the waterline, and they deserved our immediate attention. Over time, though, other more subtle forms of sex addiction that may have been lurking below come to the surface." (Recovery from Compulsive Sexual Avoidance: A Return to Intimacy) Doing things to prevent intimacy, or not doing things that promote closeness and connection is sometimes referred to as "acting in," and can manifest in different ways and with varying degrees of severity. The following list of common symptoms may be helpful in working an intimacy-focused First Step: 1. Practicing avoidance of sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 2. Obsessive sexual thoughts (about having sex and/or avoiding it). 3. A feeling that our sexuality is inherently bad and something we should feel ashamed of and guilty about. 4. Pretending that flirtation and sexual advances aren t really happening to us and acting uninterested purely based on fear of taking risks. 5. A pattern of sex and relationships with active sex addicts and/or other unavailable people. 6. A pattern of addictive sexual behavior (acting out), followed by a pattern of compulsive sexual avoidance (acting in). 7. Extreme fear of combining emotional intimacy with sexuality. 8. Finding fault or starting fights with a spouse or partner to avoid sexual relations. 9. Being emotionally unavailable in sexual and non-sexual relationships. 10. Only socializing in groups to avoid one-on-one relationships. 11. Avoiding social situations altogether due to extreme discomfort. 12. Only being sexual in non-intimate situations. 13. An inability to accept nurturing and care from ourselves, our Higher Power, and others. 14. An inability to trust and rely on others, believing that people will always let us down and it is safer if we just do things on our own. 15. The compulsive use of masturbation, with fantasy and/or pornography, as a way to avoid intimacy with others, and prevent sexual abandonment. 2
16. Mistaking compulsive sexual avoidance for recovery and/or healthy sexuality. 17. Preferring fantasy over interacting with the people in our lives; so much that fantasy creates a wall between ourselves and the real world. 18. Hiding the joys and pains of our life from people we know and trust, due to self-pity, false-pride and/or fear. (Recovery from Compulsive Sexual Avoidance: A Return to Intimacy) The Unmanageability of Intimacy Avoidance Many of us were surprised to identify with these symptoms, because our inability to trust or accept nurturing and care became apparent only after working the Steps around acting out. Some of us didn't have many acting out behaviors, but realized that not doing something is a behavior in and of itself. Still others of us needed time to realize that our sexual avoidance was part of the problem and not the solution to our acting out. Though different paths led to the decision to examine our intimacy and sexual avoidance, we knew that the teps of AA help people overcome compulsive sexual behavior including the compulsive avoidance of sex and closeness with others. However, we recognized that a First Step on intimacy and sexual avoidance would look different than a traditional Step One. We had to focus on our powerlessness to stop avoiding connection and closeness with others. We had to highlight the unmanageability caused by not allowing ourselves to be nurtured. This unmanageability was difficult to spot. Until we started looking within, many of our lives appeared to be well under control. The self-deprivation that resulted from a sense of being unworthy of love and belonging was easy to mask or rationalize. We often discovered that other addictive or unhealthy behaviors were ways to avoid feeling our emotions or being vulnerable enough to let others get close to us. Allowing ourselves to be present to our subconscious thoughts and fully experience our emotions revealed an inner turmoil caused by suppressed feelings of fear and shame. Powerlessness and Shame At first, many of us believed that admitting we were powerless meant we were helpless or had no options. Some of us feared that if we were not really as "in control" as we thought we were, it meant that someone else was in control. It felt safer to stay in deprivation or to continue trying to control everything both inside and outside of ourselves than to trust someone or something else. Others feared letting go of control could mean that no one would be in charge and we would be left adrift. However, in recovery we learned that "powerless" does not mean "helpless," or "hopeless." We found that admitting we were powerless simply meant accepting that some things are beyond our control and giving up the notion that we could fix our own compulsive avoidance and/or addictive behavior "if only we were strong enough." Acknowledging that we could not do some things on our 3
own helped free us from the cycle of shame and self-loathing that left us feeling frustrated and acutely alone. Working Step One helped us become open to a new source of power as we began to realize that we could live another way. As we looked at our behaviors more objectively, we started to see the false conclusions we'd jumped to in assuming that our behaviors meant negative things about us as people. When we compared our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with what we thought we "should" be thinking, feeling, and doing (and came up short), some of us interpreted it to mean we were bad, weak, or useless individuals with nothing to contribute to the world. Step One helped us realize that we do not have to let our shame dictate our sense of self-worth. Shame is one option, but there is another option: self-acceptance and trust in a Higher Power. Easy Does It In order to take an honest look at ourselves and our actions, many of us answered questions that helped us think about different ways intimacy avoidance appeared or impacted our lives. We tried to think of an example for each question, but it was not a requirement. Our First Step did not have to be "perfect." Some of us were tempted to view Step One as a one-time, comprehensive list of everything that is wrong with us. However, we merely needed to admit powerlessness and unmanageability in regards to intimacy avoidance. When we worked Step One, it laid the foundation for future Steps, but it is also meant to be ongoing. In fact, after our First Step, we continue admitting powerlessness and unmanageability on a daily basis in order to be reminded that there are things we cannot control and it's okay. Our program of recovery grants us the power to do what we cannot do alone, little by little, one day at a time. We focused on ourselves and the consequences of our behavior, not the actions of our families, our partners, or anyone else. This was not the time to examine the "why" behind our conduct or start making changes. It was merely the First Step towards rigorous honesty concerning our intimacy avoidance. At first, looking at our behaviors seemed scary, difficult, or painful. But with support, many of us found it to be a cleansing and healing experience. Though the First Step is done by each individual, it can feel overwhelming if done in isolation. Choosing to become vulnerable by saying, "I need help," was crucial for us in working this step because it was the only way to become open to the healing of our Higher Power. Quite a few of us found that working closely with a sponsor or program friends was of great benefit to us even if they weren't well-versed in the challenges of intimacy avoidance or sexual anorexia. The important thing was that we did not work this step alone. We helped each other understand how the principles of recovery relate to avoidance. Sharing with others was vital in keeping shame and discouragement at bay. Also, sharing our story with members of our fellowship who offered acceptance, love, understanding, and support made this First Step a leap towards connecting with others and beginning to recover from intimacy avoidance. 4
Step One took some time for a number of us. When it felt too overwhelming, we found it important to be gentle and go slowly. Perhaps we gave ourselves permission to skip questions and come back to them later. Or, we limited the time spent each day on Step One by setting a timer or only answering a set number of questions in one sitting. There was no need to rush the process. We found it was less stressful when we gave ourselves exactly as much time as we needed. During the period of time while we were working the First Step, many of us found it important to practice "anti-anorexic" behaviors such as eating nutritious food, getting enough sleep, exercising, and other self-care items. We practiced becoming aware of our thoughts and feelings, using positive affirmations, attending SAA meetings, and making outreach calls to build a support network. These and other self-nurturing behaviors prepared us to receive help from others as we worked this and other Steps. In fact, most of us found that practicing self-nurture was an important part of working Step One on intimacy avoidance. There is no one "right way" to work a First Step. Answering these questions helped many of us pinpoint the behaviors specific to our own avoidance. Those of us who chose to read the answers to these questions in a formal First Step presentation found it to be healing for us and helpful for others, but it is not a requirement. A sponsor or experienced SAA member can help us determine what is best for us. Taking the First Step involved admitting powerlessness over intimacy avoidance or sexual anorexia and recognizing some ways our lives had become unmanageable. Any effort is valid. Questions to Help Organize Your First Step If you have already worked the Twelve Steps of SAA around acting out, you may have begun to experience some growth and healing in regards to intimacy. In answering these questions, record behaviors which have caused problems in the past as well as those with which you currently struggle. Try to provide one or two specific examples for each of the following questions. 1. What specific behaviors or symptoms were associated with your avoidant lifestyle? 2. What were your acting out behaviors or rituals that are compulsive or addictive? 3. What connections were there between your acting out and your acting in behaviors? 4. One sign of powerlessness is the inability to prevent, stop, or control our behavior. In what ways have you been powerless over intimacy avoidance? (Consider ways you were not able to control either "acting-out" or avoidant behaviors, such as breaking commitments to self and others or attempts to manage behaviors or frequency.) 5. Often, sexual avoidance is masked by or accompanied by other compulsions. Have you noticed any addictive, controlling, or deprivation behaviors in other areas of your life? 6. Deprivation can be a part of intimacy avoidance. In what ways have you denied your own feelings, wants, or needs? In what ways have you not been true to yourself? 7. In what ways have you prevented or subverted authentic intimacy? 5
8. Can you think of a time your course of action changed after being confronted by an object, person, or image that triggered avoidant behavior? What happened, and in what ways did you further isolate yourself, not follow through with plans, or find yourself withdrawing when you wanted to connect with someone? 9. When speaking with others, in what ways have you tried to deny, rationalize, explain, or justify your avoidant lifestyle, your sexual avoidance, or your addictive sexual behavior to your family, friends, or others? 10. Pessimistic "self-talk" can be compulsive and destructive. What negative or untrue things have you thought or felt about yourself or your choices? 11. Intimacy avoidance can make our lives unmanageable in intellectual, physical, emotional, and spiritual ways. How has your compulsive avoidance of intimacy with yourself and others affected your life? Consider ways you have acted and ways you have failed to act. Identify one or two specific examples for each of the following areas: Education Career or employment Awareness of your feelings Relationship with partners, children, family of origin, friends, people you date, etc. Dating and/or social life Finances Time Spirituality and your relationship with your Higher Power Physical health Mental health 12. How have your choices been out of alignment with your morals and values? 13. How have your choices been out of alignment with your personal goals and objectives? 14. Describe your most recent episode of isolation, deprivation, shutting down, or intimacy avoidance. What set it off? What were your feelings and thought patterns before, during, and after the incident? What attempts did you make to control or prevent yourself from continuing in the avoidance cycle? 15. You may find it beneficial to briefly review your personal sexual history, including an exploration of sexuality in your family of origin. What were the key events that contributed to your intimacy and sexual avoidance? 6
16. In what ways have your behaviors worsened over time? 17. If you have worked the 12 Steps of SAA regarding your acting out behavior, how has the program had a positive effect on your acting in or your tendency to avoid intimacy? Congratulations! You've done a lot of work. Those who have taken this Step acknowledge the courage it takes to be rigorously honest. Now it's time to step out of the problem and begin learning about and living in the solution. The 12 Steps of SAA help us begin to "live a new way of life according to spiritual principles." (Sex Addicts Anonymous, Page 20) Introduction to First Step Presentation on Intimacy and Sexual Avoidance or Sexual Anorexia Many who have chosen to read their First Step as part of an SAA meeting have found the following introduction, read aloud by their sponsor or the Trusted Servant leading the meeting, to be helpful in setting the tone:, thank you for agreeing to share your First Step with us. Step One is not meant to be a one-time, comprehensive list of everything that is wrong with us. We have found that the first time we work Step One, it lays the foundation for future Steps, but it is also meant to be ongoing. In fact, after our initial First Step, we have found it helpful to continue admitting powerlessness and unmanageability on a daily basis in order to be reminded that there are things we cannot control. Our program of recovery grants us the power to do what we cannot do alone, little by little, one day at a time. "The primary purpose for you giving this formal First Step presentation is to aid you in your program of recovery. It need not be done to please the group, or to gain status. There is no right or wrong way to give a First Step. Any effort you make is legitimate. Here are some suggestions which others who have gone before have found helpful. We encourage you to be specific about your behaviors and to speak from your heart in order for you to be in touch with the pain and reality of your addiction [and avoidance]. Try not to bury yourself in shame. Let us hear you, not your addict, speaking. The group has a responsibility to be loving, caring and accepting of you. The members will avoid judging you, giving advice to you, or taking care of you." (First Step to Recovery: A Guide to Working the First Step) Some members may become triggered during your First Step and may leave the room. Please do not take this as a reflection of you or the quality of your share. We will allow time for members to give you feedback after you have finished. Remember, we are here for you! 7
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