Fear to Free, Perfectionism to Peace With Aviva Romm MD WORKSHEET 1 DO YOU HAVE HUNGRY GHOSTS? Adaptive behaviors can on the one hand give you many gifts, strengths, and skills that make you unique and strong, But when we are stuck in the dark aspect or B-side of the record, they can also be malaptive, and can in turn can lead us to experience many of the symptoms of SOS: fatigue, overwhelm, unhappiness, worry/anxiety, depression, poor sleep, cravings, addictions, poor self-care choices, self-doubt, inauthenticity, lower self-esteem (including behaviors that put us at risk), negative body image, settling, even lower career and financial achievement! Further, when we re in SOS, our survival patterns go into overdrive, trying to protect us from dangers that usually aren t even in our lives anymore! Here are some of the patterns that are very common for women. You might recognize one or more in yourself: Perfectionism, Being a good girl, Playing it safe/small, Worrying FOMO Martyr (helper/doormat) Let s take a deeper dive into these patterns so you can learn the symptoms. In Lesson 2 we ll learn how to reframe these patterns with antidotes that can change your thoughts and your life - so that you re not being whipped by them anymore. 1
THE SURVIVAL PATTERN SYMPTOMS Perfectionism Generally feeling stressed or overwhelmed Feeling that there s always something more you should be doing Frequently comparing yourself to others Feeling that you re not enough Black and white thinking: you re either successful or you re a failure Frustration at yourself or others for not meeting your standards Chronic worrying Always feeling like you could do it better Feeling you ve never achieved enough A perpetual quest for self-improvement Feeling inauthentic because you don t say how you re really feeling because you have to be perfect Unrealistic expectations of others; they are never enough either! Good Girl Syndrome (Approval Addiction) Constantly trying to please others Always keeping the peace or being unable to deal with conflict Need others approval for your happiness/inner peace/sense of belonging Fear of getting in trouble so sucking up or overcompensation to prevent it Difficulty telling the truth if you think it might hurt someone s feelings Always being the Good Samaritan, offering to help or take on a project that you don t have time for (and perhaps wasn t even asked to do), Putting on a happy face (even when you don t feel happy) Feeling crushed by criticism 2
Worry, FOMO, and Other Scarcity Thinking Fearing there s not enough time, enough money, room at the top, or love, Chronic worry or anxiety Overworking to make sure there s enough Overwhelm from saying yes to too many parties, events, or activities because you don t want to miss out, losing money because you buy into groups, clubs, or masterminds so you don t miss out, Addiction to checking social media, Saying yes when you really want to say no, Having a hard time making a decision for fear of making the wrong one Catastrophe thinking that is, always worrying that the other shoe is about to drop Excessive worry about your health, money, or the future Fears that someone will leave, abandon, or betray you Fear that there will be horrible consequences if you do something wrong (you ll lose your job, for example) Unable to spend money on self care because of scarcity thinking The Martyr/Helper Blaming others for your predicament (if only so and so had done this I wouldn t have to) You HAVE to is something you say a lot You re the fixer, helper, healer You ve made yourself indispensible Helping to avoid You get angry at other people for not showing up for you You do it because nobody else will You re always saying how busy you are you even brag about it Feeling sorry for yourself, stuck, or hosting your own pity party Thinking others have power and you don t 3
THE DAILY PRACTICES: Daily Practice 1: Meet Your Survival Pattern Now you re going to meet your own pattern(s) by observing for the above symptoms/patterns few days and answering these questions (really really do it!): Catch your pattern in action hearing the voice, when does she (he) show up? What s going on that acts as a trigger? Noticing the emotions, the thoughts that cascade, your breathing pattern, where in your body, actions/behaviors it leads to What s Your Pattern? Can you give her a name or visualize how she is dressed? How she talks? Does she have an accent or attitude? Do you recognize the voice as someone you know (and yes, tons of women say it s my mom s voice! you re not alone). When did she join you? How do you believe it evolved? How has it helped you? How does it help you now? What are your strengths? How does it serve in a negative way that is what do you get from that patterns/behavior? How can you get this in another way? How does it hinder or harm you now? What is it causing you to do? What is it stopping you from doing? What does this girl/woman need to feel whole, heard, healed? How can you create a NEW story? A NEW pattern? How can the inner Wise Woman become the DEEPER voice, the HEALER you turn to? Repeat if you have more than one pattern. But only do one at a sitting. Daily Practice 2: Practicing Radical Self-compassion There are a million little things that come up in life that can make us judge ourselves. We fail at something new we try, we hurt someone s feelings, we fall off the wagon on a diet or exercise plan we really wanted to stick to, we aren t where we wanted to be at this time in our lives, we see someone achieving something we want and feel incapable of Radical self-compassion means that we talk to ourselves with kindness, encouragement, care, love, softness, gentleness, acceptance, and forgiveness. It s how we d talk to a best friend who was going through a setback. While loving yourself may seem to have little to do with achieving your goals, whatever they are, practicing radical self-compassion has been shown to be the 4
quickest way to get back on track with our plans and goals whereas beating ourselves up only perpetuates falling deeper into a rut, and off the path we really want to be on. So have at it. You deserve it! Try this Loving Kindness Mediation/Visualization: Begin to reset your thought patterns whenever you catch them rising up by saying: I am filled with loving kindness. I am safe from inner and outer harm. I am well in body and mind. I am at ease and happy. I deserve to have peace. I have all the time in the world to. SPACE FOR YOUR NOTES/THOUGHTS: 5