10/24/12. } How Do We Love The Difficult People. } In Our Life? } } }

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1 How Do We Love The Difficult People In Our Life? Gloria Englund, MA Focus on what s right with you and your difficult person. Support their self-care by modeling your own self-care. Support builds confidence and fights the isolation and stigma of addiction. Detach with love and compassion by setting boundaries about your needs; not your loved one s character defects. Be grateful for all experiences shared with your difficult person. Be as courageous in your relationship as they are everyday in the illness. 1

2 Focus on what s right with you and your difficult person. Approaching problems in life with the assumption that we are sick, flawed or broken, predisposes us to failure. such a perspective allows scant access to other, more hopeful ways of addressing problems, making invisible our own natural propensities for growth. In truth, change is inevitable and decidedly human and primarily comes through the mobilization of one s strengths and abilities. What s Right with You, Barry Duncan, PSY.D. Support their self-care by modeling your own self care. Enough exercise for you. Healthy diet for you. Adequate rest for you. Participation in a spiritual practice (not necessarily religious). 2

3 Feedback on meditation experience. Listen so we know our requests have been heard. Receive unconditional love so you can give it back to others. Detach with Love and Compassion Create boundaries about your needs; not your loved one s character defects. Loved one will respect boundaries that are yours. Models self care. Recovery Group s daily readings July 5 th One Day at Time Accept the illness of addiction. February 16 th One Day at Time Focus on what s right. Simple positive reinforcement Detach with Love and Compassion con t. Turn over your behavior and loved one s behavior. Prayer Universal Goodness I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. I pray because it doesn't change God- it changes me. ~ C.S. Lewis, Shadow Lands My Only job was to love my son where he was at in his journey. It is so much easier to love someone when we re not trying to change them. 3

4 Detach with Love and Compassion con t. What happens if tragedy strikes? Label loses it s power. Never detach to the points that you forget they are human. Difficult person has hopes, dreams, desire to love and be loved. This helps to eliminate guilt and remorse. Support Builds Confidence and Fights the Isolation and Stigma of Addiction. Support for you Alanon CRAFT (Community Resource Approach Family Therapy) Non- 12 Step Recovery Groups Health Realization Zen Buddhist Meditation Center Recovering u Yoga Celebrating Families Program provided through Minnesota Recovery Connection Speakers series - Minnesota Recovery Connection Christian Churches Recovery Church - Mayflower United Church of Christ - Support Builds Confidence and Fights the Isolation and Stigma of Addiction cont. Support for Your Loved One 12 Step Recovery Groups - Non- 12 Step Recovery Groups Health Realization Zen Buddhist Meditation Center Recovering u Yoga Celebrating Families Program provided through Minnesota Recovery Connection Speakers series - Minnesota Recovery Connection Christian Churches Recovery Church - Mayflower United Church of Christ - 4

5 Support for both You and Your Loved When Comorbidity is Present Drug use disorders and other mental illnesses are developmental disorders. That means they often begin in the teen years or even younger periods when the brain experiences dramatic developmental changes. This early exposure to drugs of abuse may change the brain in ways that increase the risk for mental disorders. Also, early symptoms of a mental disorder may indicate an increased risk for later drug use. ~ The National Institute on Drug Abuse INFO FACTS The National Institute on Drug Abuse INFO FACTS cont. Overlapping genetic vulnerabilities. Predisposing genetic factors may make a person susceptible to both addiction and other mental disorders or to having a greater risk of a second disorder once the first appears. Overlapping environmental triggers. Stress, trauma (such as physical or sexual abuse), and early exposure to drugs are common environmental factors that can lead to addiction and other mental illnesses Both mental illness and addiction involve similar regions of the brain. The same brain systems that respond to reward and stress, for example, are affected by drugs of abuse and may show abnormalities in patients with certain mental disorders. NAMI National Alliance on Mental Illness- Stigma of Addiction Addiction is pervasive phenomenon that is an equal opportunity illness. It is no respecter of color, creed, class or culture. Research indicates that it is the third leading cause of death behind cancer and heart disease... If the Center for Disease Control were confronted with a pandemic of this proportion with any other illness, millions of dollars would be spent to stem the tide. But that hasn t happened with addiction, because the whole nation is in denial about its prevalence and power. ~ Dr. Robert H. Albers, Reviving Hope!, Mayflower United Church of Christ Less than 3% of those afflicted with this illness live on skid row. The other 97% live in homes like many of you. Addiction can develop despite a person's best intentions and in spite of their strength of character. ~ Dr. Nora Volkow, Addiction and the Brain's Pleasure Pathway: Beyond Willpower 5

6 Stigma of Addiction cont. Just like a diabetic manages diabetes with insulin, a person seeking recovery must take the responsibility to manages his/her disease of addiction through treatment experiences and recovery meetings and support. Support and engagement w/o judgment creates an atmosphere of hope that allows recovery from any debilitating illness to become possible. Isolation breeds fear resentment and stigma. Recovery does not happen in isolation. Be Grateful for All Experiences Shared with Your Difficult Person. Gratitude keeps your love for each in the forefront of your relationship. Evening Review 10 th Step We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Mindfulness and the 12 Steps, Therese Jacobs-Stewart Naikan (Nye-kahn) Japanese practice of Looking inside. Three minute Practice of Naikan The three questions she suggest you Review are: What have I received (today)? What have I given (today)? What difficulties have I caused (today)? 6

7 What s important that is that no matter how big or small the concern: Acknowledge it. Be grateful for the experience and the lesson. Let it go, move on. The next day, is a new day. My Gratitude List * Children precocious, time-consuming, demanding children who do not fit in anywhere can always fit into your heart if you just love them because they are different. The only thing that s really important is that you love and accept love from others. Never judge a person by how they look it s what s on the inside that counts.( Even if they have a blue Mohawk hairstyle.) Good looks will take you a long way, but they can t buy you the heart and soul of another person, nor will they buy you personal integrity. My Gratitude List cont. Never lose your sense of humor; laughing at yourself can be great entertainment. Never take yourself too seriously. Someone is always more wise than you, and someone always needs a hand up. Friends and lovers may come and go, but we can always cherish the love created in that relationship. 7

8 My Gratitude List cont. No matter how hard you try, you can never go back to where you were. The passage of time changes who you are. When addiction is part of any relationship, principles like honesty and integrity cannot flourish. Determination and perseverance may not change your situation, but it creates a courageous heart that inspires others to do what they think they could never do. You can inspire, even when you fail. ~* Excerpts from Choose Love: Meditations for Those Who Lost a Loved One to Addiction Be as courageous in your relationship as they are everyday with their challenges. Your loved one practices courage every day that they battle their illness their difficult situation. You may be the difficult person in their life. We do not have to learn courage for it is a part of who we already are. We only have to unlearn fear. ~ Joan Borysenko, Pocketful of Miracles Determination and perseverance may not change your situation, but it creates a courageous heart that inspires others to do what they thought they could never do. ~ Gloria Englund, Choose Love: Meditations for Those Who Lost a Loved One to Addiction 8