DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Transcription

1 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.1 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst Excerpt from, Dealing With People You Can t Stand, by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner Copyright 1994 McGraw-Hill 1

2 INTRODUCTION DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.1 Every one of us is a customer. Each of us have experienced stellar customer service and all have known what less than acceptable can be. Consider your last visit to a place like the Department of Motor Vehicles. It s a monopoly...your stuck in the long lines, rude service, people sleeping on your shoulder all for some crummy drivers license photo. Think about how YOU felt. Did you complain? Would it have done any good? Did taking your frustrations out on someone make you feel any better? Probably not. Consider this: when you walked into the DMV that day, what baggage were YOU carrying? Family argument, bad news at the office, sick parent, financial concerns? Would the guy behind the counter know how you felt before you walked through the doors? The answer, of course, is no. But you expected him to empathize with you. You expected him to treat you like a VIP. And when your expectations fell short, you got frustrated and would have acted out in some fashion. Most likely, you will find releasing your frustration didn t satisfy the issue and left you feeling even more helpless. Like our friend the DMV guy, family, friends, co-workers, designers and customers are no different. LEARNING OBJECTIVE Escalation to CRISIS Loss of Control Become a Conscious Communicator and recognize a cause-and-effect relationship between your communication /actions and the results you get from your designers/customers. Identify the 10 most difficult behaviors and the etiology that causes them. Know and utilize the strategies to prevent difficult behaviors and bring out the best in people at their worst. Understand how to neutralize whining and negativity in individuals. GENERAL STRATEGY 1. Know what you want in a relationship with your designer/customer 2. Pay attention 3. Be flexible Excerpt from, Dealing With People You Can t Stand, by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner Copyright 1994 McGraw-Hill 2

3 PROFILING DIFFICULT PEOPLE DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.1 Dealing with difficult people is something that everyone does on a regular basis. You may find yourself trying to manage and motivate designers that you find challenging. But what makes some people more challenging than others? What type of behavior is the most difficult to deal with? The answer isn t that straightforward. Here is a list of the 10 most challenging communicators: The Tank is confrontational, pointed, and angry; the ultimate in pushy and aggressive behavior. When you are under attack by the Tank, you ve been targeted as part of the problem. The aggressive behavior is meant to shove you back on course or eliminate the obstacle you represent. Any situation can become a battlefield and the Tank is focused on an end result and impatiently pushes ahead. There is nothing subtle about the direct approach of the Tank. The attack can be a full frontal assault, loud and forceful or it can have the quiet intensity of a surgical precision laser. While the Tank can rip you apart personally, the irony is that it s nothing personal. The attack is simply a means to an end and to the Tank, the end justifies the means When a job doesn t go as planned, or is obstructed by others, a get-itdone person may try to eliminate the opposition through sniping. To avoid retaliation, The Sniper hides behind rude comments, sarcastic humor, biting tones of voice and the classic eye roll. Snipers can use confusion as a weapon by making irrelevant remarks that throw people off track and leave them looking foolish. Don t get mad, get even, is the Snipers modus operandi. Not all sniping is meant to kill or even wound. There is such a thing as the relatively innocent, attention getting, playful snipe. Sometimes teasing is an attention getting strategy, motivated by the desire to make people laugh. But, not everyone likes sarcasm or has the ability to laugh at a well-aimed put down and a playful Sniper might never know that any damage was done. Know-It-Alls are knowledgeable and extremely competent people, highly assertive and outspoken in their viewpoints. Their intent is to get it done in the way that they have predetermined is best. They therefore can be very controlling, with a low tolerance for correction and contradiction. New ideas or alternative approaches are frequently perceived as a challenge to the Know-It-All s authority and knowledge, regardless of the merit of the ideas and approach. When their decisions or opinions are questioned, they question the questioner s motives. Know-It-Alls believe that to be wrong is to be humiliated. They feel it is their destiny and their duty to dominate, manipulate and control. It is quite difficult and next to impossible to get your two cents in. Excerpt from, Dealing With People You Can t Stand, by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner Copyright 1994 McGraw-Hill 3

4 PROFILING DIFFICULT PEOPLE DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.1 Think-They-Know-It-Alls abrasive behavior results from their desire to get appreciation. When he feels slighted in any way, the Think- They-Know-It-All is likely to up-the-stakes and try harder than ever to attract some attention in his direction Think-They-Know-It-Alls are assertive in their behavior, pushing their way into a conversation where they may not be wanted. They have a strong people focus since people are the source of the attention and appreciation they crave. Think-They-Know-It-Alls do have one unique ability: they know how to learn just enough about a subject to sound conversant in it. They also have a particularly bad habit: they are addicted to exaggeration as an attention-getting device. They don t think of themselves as liars and truly believe what they say. When a person whose efforts to get appreciation are thwarted by others indifference, they may become the Grenade. When the intent is not met, their behavior becomes an inescapable and immediate demand for attention. Blowing up, or losing emotional control, is a last resort defense strategy against the feeling of unimportance. If tolerated through the years, it can become the first line of defense. Almost anything can pull the pin on the Grenade that s ready to go off: a tone of voice, the look on someone s face, something said or unsaid or some aspect of the situation itself. At that point, anything you say or do will only make the situation worse and soon after the explosion, it turns into a chain reaction. Grenades hate themselves before/during/after they have had their explosion and this never ending cycle of self-hatred is the timing device that causes the explosion. Yes People tend to over commit themselves as they try to run their life based on the desires of other people. Sometimes they have no clear idea how to follow through on something they ve agreed to do because they didn t analyze the task before agreeing to it. More often than not, they don t think about the down-the-line consequences of saying one thing and doing another. All they know is that somebody wants something and they just can t say no. Driven by the desire to fit in and get along with others, Yes People easily over commit to please. Because they are nice people, Yes People hope it all works out wonderfully. When it doesn t work out, they honestly feel terrible about it, yet they don t feel responsible for not following through on something they agreed to do because there is always a set of circumstances beyond their control that has caused the trouble. Instead, they make up excuses and offer explanations and hope that this will make up for their failure to keep promises. Even if you succeed in extorting an apology from them and a promise to do better next time, that is no guarantee that they have any intention of doing what they say. Excerpt from, Dealing With People You Can t Stand, by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner Copyright 1994 McGraw-Hill 4

5 PROFILING DIFFICULT PEOPLE DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.1 Decisive people know that every decision has an upside and a downside. They develop the habit of making their best decision and dealing with the negative outcomes as they occur. When people become Maybe People, however, they can t see their way clear to the best decision because the downside of each option blinds them. They have numerous reasons for not seeking help: from not wanting to bother anyone, to not wanting to upset someone, to not wanting to be the cause of anything going wrong. So they procrastinate hoping that a better choice will present itself. Unfortunately, with most decisions, there comes a point when it is too late to decide and the decision makes itself. The Nothing Person is passive, but can be task or people focused depending on the intent. When the intent is to get along is threatened, the Nothing Person becomes shy, introverted, withdrawn and even more passive. Everybody knows if you don t have nothing nice to say, you shouldn t say anything at all...nothing People don t and won t. Get it right Nothing People seek perfection, but nothing measures up. They may decide that no one else cares about avoiding mistakes as much as they do and that nothing will change that condition no matter what they say. They withdraw thinking, Fine! Do it your way, but don t come crying to me if it doesn't work out. Then, they shut up and shut down. Although Nothing People appear to shut down, inside they are boiling cauldron of simmering hostility that occasionally boils over. When asked what s wrong, they will say, Nothing! If asked if everything is alright, they say, Everything is fine, which is a passive aggressive acronym for Frustrated-Insecure-Neurotic-Emotional. They may be furious inwardly, they are considerate enough to prevent the hostility from damaging anyone with their emotions. To spot a Nothing Person, look for the abuse of inanimate objects, like pencils, doors, etc The No Person is a task-focused individual motivated by the intent to get it right by avoiding mistakes. Perfection is their standard for what should be done, where it should be done, when, by whom, and most importantly, how it should be done. When the shortcomings, weaknesses and failings of others get in the way of perfection, then nothing measures up, mistakes loom on the horizon and the No Person feels despair. Seeing themselves as the only one willing and able to look at what did, is, or will inevitably go wrong, the No Person finds the negative in everyone and everything else. Through thoughts, words, and occasionally deeds, negative No People have the uncanny ability to extinguish hope in others and smother creative sparks before they catch fire. Of all the difficult people, the behavior of negative people has the most insidious effect on others. Negativity undermines motivation, stifles development and leads to depression and hopelessness in others. Yet, No People do not intentionally try to make everyone miserable, as they really do believe that it is as hopeless as they say. Excerpt from, Dealing With People You Can t Stand, by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner Copyright 1994 McGraw-Hill 5

6 PROFILING DIFFICULT PEOPLE DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.1 There are three different types of complaints that we all hear in the course of our lives: Helpful, Therapeutic and Obnoxious. The helpful complainer draws attention to the problems that ought to be addressed and offers options/solutions along with the complaints. This can actually help a business or relationship grow, develop and improve. Another type of complaining can be downright therapeutic. We all need to vent, to unload, to give voice to our frustrations once in awhile. A little whining on occasion can actually help us unwind from the stress of modern living. Telling someone about your stress can provide a valuable release valve for otherwise pent-up concerns and backed-up energy. Wallowing in their worries and woe is the behavior of the Whiner. It has very little to do with stress. The wallowing just goes on and on and on, never offers a solution and their complaints are not geared toward change of any kind. The Whiner is the cousin of the negative No Person. Both behaviors emerge out of the intent to get it right. The Whiner suffers from a severe inability to see what could and should be, but compensates with the ability to see only what s wrong with what was and is. Whiners have a vague sense that events should be different from what they are, but have no clue about how events ought to change. Although they feel utterly helpless, the Whiner is less assertive when compared to the No Person. Three elements contribute to giving their voice that characteristic whining sound : 1. The weight on their shoulders from carrying their burden of collected woe, which only grows heavier as they continue to find and collect problems; 2. The effort required to talk about all that s wrong and there is nothing they can do about it, anyway; 3. The feeling of futility, since you probably won t offer any useful ideas or right the wrongs, either. Constant complainers feel helpless and overwhelmed by an unfair world. Their standard is perfection and no one and nothing measures up to it. That s when they bring their problems to you because misery loves company. These are the difficult people who most people can t stand working with, talking with and dealing with. But, if you re fed up with laziness, frustrated by bullies, disappointed in human nature and tired of losing...don t despair. Instead, remember that by dealing with difficult people, you have a choice. Excerpt from, Dealing With People You Can t Stand, by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner Copyright 1994 McGraw-Hill 6

7 THE FOUR CHOICES DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.1 Remember...when dealing with difficult people, you always have a choice: 1. You can stay and do nothing, which includes suffering about it. Doing nothing is dangerous because frustration with difficult people gets worse over time and postpones effective action. 2. You can vote with your feet and leave, which in some cases, can be the best option. Leaving a deteriorating situation, if everything you say or do makes matters worse and you find yourself losing control, makes sense when it no longer makes sense when dealing with a difficult person. However before you do nothing or walk away, you may want to consider your other two choices: 3. You can change your attitude about the difficult person even if the difficult person engages in difficult behavior, you can learn to see them differently, listen to them differently, and feel about them differently. There are attitudinal changes that you can make in yourself that will free you from your reactions to problem people. A change in attitude is absolutely necessary if you hope to find the will-power and flexibility to make the fourth choice 4. You can change your behavior. When you change the way you deal with difficult people, then they have to learn new ways to deal with you! Just as certainly as some people bring the best and worst in you, you have the ability to do the same with others! Once you know what needs to be done and how to do it, you will be well on your way to taking charge over an unpleasant situation and redirecting it to worthwhile result! Excerpt from, Dealing With People You Can t Stand, by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner Copyright 1994 McGraw-Hill 7

8 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.2 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst 1

9 THE LENS OF UNDERSTANDING DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.2 This workshop is about understanding...the kind of understanding that will help you communicate effectively, prevent future conflict and resolve conflict before it gets out of hand...the kind of understanding that results when you place your difficult person s behavior under a magnifying glass, look through the lens and closely examine the difficult behavior and the motive behind it. Passive Less ASSERTIVE More Aggressive As you focus your lens of understanding on human behavior, first observe the level of assertiveness. Notice that there is a wide range from passive to aggressive, and most people find their own comfort zone within that range. Then observe the extremes. Passive or nonassertive reactions to a given situation can be submissive, yielding and even complete withdrawal. Aggressive reactions to situations can range from bold determination to domination, belligerence and attacks. When you look through the lens of understanding, you can also observe that there are patterns to what people focus their attention on in any given situation. For example, have you ever been so absorbed in what you were doing that you forgot there were people around? When attention is focused almost exclusively on the task at hand, we call that task focused. Have you ever been so caught up in what people are doing that you found it impossible to concentrate on anything else? When attention is almost exclusively focused on relationships, we call that a people focus. All people have the ability to engage in a wide range of behaviors observable through this lens, sometimes dynamically and sometimes with a lot of static. Yet for each of us, there is a zone of normal or best behavior, and exaggerated-or-worst behavior. FOUR GENERAL INTENTS Get the task done Get along with people Get the task right Get appreciation from people 2

10 WHEN THE INTENT IS NOT FULFILLED Let s look at what happens when a person s intent is not met: DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.2 COMFORT ZONE TYPE OF FOCUS INTENT BEHAVIOR IF INTENT IS NOT FULLFILLED ACTION Passive Task Focus Get it Right Perfectionist Finds every flaw and potential error Passive People Focus Get Along Approval Seeking Feeling left out, they sacrifice personal needs to please others Aggressive Task Focus Get It Done Controlling The person tries to take over and push ahead Aggressive People Focus Get Appreciated Getting Attention Forcing other to notice them Once someone determines that what they want is not happening, or what they don t want is happening, his or her behavior becomes more extreme and, therefore, less tolerable to others. We now can observe how threatened or thwarted positive intentions led to the behaviors of difficult people. In our imperfect world, the Whiner believes that he or she is powerless to create change. This of course serves only to drive everyone else crazy and the deteriorating situation provokes further whining, When things go wrong, the No Person becomes hopeless and have no inhibition about letting others not only know how they feel, but pull them into their abyss. When events fail to measure up to the standard of perfection, the get it right Nothing Person gets totally frustrated and withdraws completely The get along Nothing Person excels at tongue biting, Since they can t relate authentically, he/she doesn t really get along with anyone. The Yes Person s life is no longer their own because all of their choices are made around everyone else s needs or demands, which leads to deep resentment and unconscious acts of sabotage. The Maybe Person avoids disapproval by avoiding decisions. This behavior perpetuates the problem it is intended to solve and causing so much frustration that this person is locked out of relationships. In an effort to control the process and accomplish the mission, the Tank s behavior ranges from mild pushiness to outright aggression A strategist when things are getting to done to their satisfaction, the get it done Sniper attempts to control you through embarrassment and humiliation. Because the Know-It-All is actually knowledgeable and competent, most people are quickly worn down by their strategy and finally just give up. Grenade s say they don t get any appreciation and thy don t get any respect. When a lack of appreciation is deafening: an adult temper tantrum. The get appreciated Sniper actually likes you and their sniping is a fun way to get attention. As a returned snipe is often received as a sign of appreciation, some can be emotionally wounded. The Think-They-Know-It-All are experts in exaggeration, half truth, jargon, useless advise and unsolicited opinions. If you argue with them, they turn up the volume and dig in deeper in their convictions. TO SUMMARIZE The behavior of the difficult person is determined by that person s perception of what they think is going on as it relates to what they think is important. Their behavior interacts with your behavior, which is based on your perception of the same variables. 3

11 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.2 Behavior becomes more controlling when the intent to get it done is thwarted, leading people to become Tanks, Snipers and Know-It-Alls. Behavior becomes more perfectionist when the intent to get it right is thwarted, leading people to become Whiners, No People and Nothing People. Behavior becomes more approval seeing when the intent to get along is thwarted, leading people to become Yes People, Maybe People and Nothing People. Behavior becomes more attention-getting when the intent to get appreciated is thwarted, leading people to become Grenades, Think-They-Know-It-Alls and Snipers. As you read these descriptions of the 10 difficult behaviors that people, perhaps you had noticed that, when your intentions are thwarted, you occasionally become one of these people too. The results of your dealings with people at their worst, in large, is entirely up to you. FROM CONFLICT TO COOPERATION Blending is any behavior by which you reduce the differences between you and another in order to meet them where they are and move to common ground. The result of blending is increased in rapport. Blending is done automatically and naturally when two people share a common vision, care about each other or want to deepen a relationship. You blend with people in various ways: facial expressions, degree of animation, body posture, verbally (voice volume and speed), and conceptually with your words. It is also natural not to blend with people you find difficult. The failure to blend has serious consequences, because without blending the differences between you become the basis of conflict. Redirecting is any behavior by which you use that rapport to change the trajectory of that interaction. Key Points: No one cooperates with anyone who seems to be against them Perception of common ground or world s apart on an issue Blending always precedes redirecting, whether your listening to understand or speaking to be understood. Only after establishing rapport with your difficult person through blending will you be able to redirect the interaction and change the trajectory toward a worthwhile outcome. BLEND NONVERBALLY WITH FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND BODY LANGUAGE Most of the time, non verbal blending goes on naturally and unnoticed. When someone smiles at you, you tend to smile back. If they cross their legs, you tend to cross yours. When people get along with each other, they naturally blend by mirroring each other s body posture, facial expressions, hand gestures and degree of animation. Blending, or lack of it, creates an atmosphere of trust or distrust, cooperation or noncooperation between you and other people. One way to take charge with a difficult person in a poisoned atmosphere is to purposely blend with that person s body posture, facial expression and degree of animation just enough so that it does not look as if you are mocking them. Using your body language, you can help Yes People, Maybe People and Nothing People feel comfortable with you. Important: never blend with hostile gestures directed at you. Do not meet aggression with aggression. The key to blending with aggression is to downplay it assertively (Tank and Grenade). 4

12 BLEND VOCALLY WITH VOLUME AND SPEED DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.2 Whenever you successfully communicate with people, you naturally blend with their voice volume and speed. If they talk louder, you talk louder. If they talk faster, them you speed up. Faster talking people enjoy the race; slower talking people enjoy the easy pace. Quiet people like quiet...loud people like volume! If you fail to blend with a person s voice volume and speed, you will probably end up talking to yourself or dealing with serious misunderstandings. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND When people express themselves verbally, they want feedback that they have been heard and they also want to be understood. When two or more people want to be heard and understood at the same time, and no one is willing to listen and understand, an argument or exit is almost inevitable. For this reason, a masterful communicator makes it his/her goal to listen and understand first before attempting to be heard and understood. The Bad News: listening requires you to set aside your own need to be heard and understood at a time when you least want to. The Good News: to help your difficult person express themselves completely, you increase the likelihood of their being able, and even willing, to hear you in turn. Because there was no doubt that the difficult person was both heard and understood, it relinquishes their preoccupation with their own thoughts and feelings making it easier to hear you! Understanding occurs on two levels: Emotionally the person feels you understand what they are feeling Intellectually the person believes that you understand what they are saying A simple, yet effective strategy for accomplishing this requires you to listen actively, rather than passively. If you make a habit of listening in the manner below, you will actually prevent some people from ever becoming difficult people. Step 1. Blend. A person will know that you are listening and understanding by the way you look and sound while they are talking. While they blow off steam, whine, complain, etc, your task is to give visual and auditory evidence what they are saying makes sense to you...even when it doesn t. Rather than distract your difficult person with puzzled looks, interruptions or statements of disagreements, help them to completely express themselves. Active listening includes nodding your head and making appropriate sounds of understanding. Repeat back what they ve said so they know that they have been heard. When you reach a point where your difficult person begins to repeat what has already been said, consider it a signal that the person needs some feedback from you. Step 2. Backtracking. A form of feedback, backtracking is repeating back some of the actual words that the other person is using. This sends a clear signal that you were listening and you consider what the other person is saying is important. Backtracking is no the same as translating or rephrasing. Words are symbols of experience and the word-symbols a person chooses to express their experience have unique meaning to them. Changing their words into your words with well-intended statements (i.e. In other words, or So what you re really trying to say ) may prolong the communication process. Backtrack 5

13 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.2 ing is particularly important when dealing with a difficult person over the phone, as the only visual information they have about you is what they extrapolate from the sound of your voice and the words that you use. Step 3. Clarify. Having heard what they have to say, begin to gather information about the meaning of their communication. Clarification questions are open-ended questions that ask for more than a grunt response. Begin questions with words like: Who are you talking about? What are you referring to? Where did it happen? When did it happen? How did it happen? After gathering this information, you may begin to explore why they are saying it and what criteria they are hoping to satisfy by their behavior. It is very important that you switch into an information-gathering mode vs. a reactionary one. Benefits of Asking Clarification Questions You can gather higher-quality information than what is offered. You can help the other person become more rational in the process Asking questions can slow a situation down long enough to see where it is heading You can surface hidden agendas and reveal lies without being adversarial Step 4. Summarize what you have heard. To completely understand what you have heard, it is extremely important to summarize back what you have heard, So then, if I understand this correctly, this is the problem, this is who is involved, this is how it happened, this is when it happened and this is where it happened? When you do this, two things happen: If you ve missed something, they can fill in the details. You have demonstrated that you are making a serious effort to fully understand. This increases the likelihood of gaining their cooperation in changing direction down the line. Step 5. Confirm. Rather than assuming anything, be certain that the difficult person is satisfied that the problem has been voiced. Ask, do you feel understood? Is there anything else? When enough sincere questioning, listening, caring and remember are brought together, understanding is achieved and a difficult person becomes less difficult and more cooperative! 6

14 REACH A DEEPER UNDERSTANDING DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.2 Identify Positive Intent we define positive intent as the good purpose meant to be served by a given communication or behavior. We assume that all behavior originates from a positive intent and that includes negative behavior. The failure to recognize and appreciate positive intent can have lasting consequences. Give the behavior of the difficult person the benefit of the doubt. Assume a positive intent behind their problem behavior. Since your difficult person may be unaware of this, ask yourself what positive purpose might be behind a person s communication or behavior and acknowledge it. If you are not sure about the positive intent, just make something up to still get a positive response and create rapport. If you are blending with some one who you perceive wants to get it done as their top priority, and in your conversation with them you acknowledge this, and your communications with them are brief and to the point as to not obstruct them, you will increase cooperation and misunderstanding. If you are blending with some one who you perceive wants to get it right as their top priority, and in your conversation with them you acknowledge this, and you pay great attention to the details in your communications with them, you will increase cooperation and misunderstanding. If you are blending with some one who you perceive wants to get along as their top priority, and in your interactions with them you show you care with friendly chit chat and considerate communications, you will increase cooperation and misunderstanding. If you are blending with some one who you perceive wants to get appreciation as their top priority, and in your interactions with them you recognize their contribution with words of enthusiastic appreciation, you will increase cooperation and misunderstanding. Identify Highly Valued Criteria criteria are the filters on our point of view, the standards by which we measure ideas and experiences to determine of they are good or bad and what things should be benchmarks by which people are either for or against and idea or why someone things a point of view is worth defending. A great way of determining criteria is to ask why questions when faced with differing points of view. Once you ve asked questions about criteria and you are reasonably certain what those criteria are, be sure to sum it all up, So if I understand this correctly, this is why this is important to you, which demonstrates that you listened, you cared and you remembered, which blends with the desire to be understood. Always ask, Do you feel understood? Is there anything else? Whenever a discussion starts to degenerate into conflict, try to ascertain the reasons why people are for or against something. Then look for an idea or solution to the problem that blends those criteria together. That s another way to turn conflict into cooperation. SPEAK TO BE UNDERSTOOD Monitor your tone of voice mixed messages, caused by voice tones that don t match spoken tones, can cause big problems in relationships of all kinds. When receiving a mixed message, a person will respond to the tone and not the words. Most people try to suppress emotion to avoid conflict. Ironically, their emotions leak out through the tone of their voice. The receiver ignores the words and responds to the tone...the sender feels misunderstood and conflict ensues. State your positive intent in order for effective communication to work, positive intent works best when up front. If you assume that someone understands your positive intent, or your intent is implied rather than clearly stated, misunderstanding can result. To prevent this, learn to begin communication with your positive intent. 7

15 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.2 Tactfully interrupt interruptions most intention interruptions are rude aggressions aimed at overwhelming the voice of another. Yet there are occasions when it is necessary to interrupt a difficult person. If someone is yelling at you, dominating a meeting or complaining in endless cycles of increasing negativity, an interruption may be an elegant solution. A tactful interruption is done without anger, blame or fear. The best way to do this is to repeat the difficult person s name over and over again in a matter of fact sort of way until you get their attention, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Jackson, excuse me, Mr. Jackson or Sir, Sir, Sir, Pardon me, Sir If you are attempting to interrupt an aggressive person, they may attempt to override by raising their volume you must persist anyway. These repetitions of a person s name or gender create an irresistible force that so distracts the Tank, Know-It-All, Grenade or Whiner that they must stop talking to find out what you want! Once you have their attention, you can move forward stating your intent or by clarifying something they were saying. Tell your truth honesty can be effective no matter what difficult behavior a person engages in if you tell your truth in a way that builds someone up rather than tearing them down. Remember to tell the person why you are telling them your truth before you actually tell them your truth: Use I language use From my point of view and The way I see it. Be specific about the problem behavior rather than the difficult person generalizations like, Every time we are at a meeting you always exaggerate will not help. Give specific examples. Show them how their behavior is self defeating to create self motivation for change, you have to show them how something important to them is lost because of their behavior. Suggest new behaviors or options make specific suggestions as to what they can do differently in those situations and what the likely outcome will be. The biggest obstacle is being honest and concerned about hurting their feelings. Stay flexible Whenever you speak to be understood your communications will inevitably have an influence on your problem person. If they become defensive be willing to temporarily drop what you are saying and totally focus on their reaction to it, do your best to fully understand by back tracking, clarifying, summarizing and confirming. Engaging in an honest dialogue with difficult people as one of the most effective strategies for bring out the best in people at their worst. GET WHAT YOU PROJECT AND EXPECT Pygmalion Power when a difficult person is engaging in their problem behavior, avoid phrases like, You always or You Never and effectively learn to say, That s not like you. You are capable of and describe how you want them to be as if they truly are capable of living up to your description. Conversely, when your difficult person behaves in a way that you would like to see repeated, learn to say, That s one of the things I like about you. You and describe their positive behavior as a way of reinforcing their identification with it! Assume the Best, Give the Benefit of the Doubt Whenever you tell a person they are doing something wrong, they will get defensive. You minimize defensiveness in another person by giving them the benefit of the doubt and assuming the best. For instance, you could say, I know you care about really giving great customer service because you are all about your customers. The difficult person is highly unlikely to disagree with you. Once they agree with you, state your intent,...and I would like to see you succeed in doing the best job you can do. You have now made it your goal to help. To that effect, I have some feedback from a few customers that I d like you to take into consideration to help with our service efforts. 8

16 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.2 Appreciate Criticism If you are one of those people who has a knee-jerk reaction to criticism, particularly when it seems unfair, perhaps you ve noticed that defending yourself tends to make things worse. Here s a simple short circuit to rapidly bring criticism to a close without internalizing it or fighting against it: verbally appreciate the criticism as a way of ending it. No defense, no explanation, no justification. A simple thanks is all it takes and its over. When you verbally appreciate someone who is criticizing you, you re letting go of the need to defend, explain or justify your behavior. You simply hear the person out and thank them for communicating, Thanks for being honest, or Thanks for taking the time to let me know how you feel, or Thanks for caring so much. Simple and subtle. The next time someone criticizes you, try this strategy. You may initially find it hard to keep that knee down, but in exchange for some critical appreciation, you ll receive a big peace dividend in the long run. 9

17 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst 1

18 THE LENS OF UNDERSTANDING REVIEW DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 Let's review behavior through the Lens of Understanding, once again As mentioned before, at any one moment, people have four intents operating within them: the intent to Get Things Done, to Get Things Right, to Get Along with People, and to Get Appreciated by People. If a person is in a Get it Done mode they will be focused on the task at hand and be more assertive. If things are not getting done and they perceive others as wasting time then they have a tendency to get more controlling, i.e., "if I take over then it will happen". Sometimes the fact that they take over and move things forward is an advantage, but it really depends on how it is done. People can also go into what is called "the red zone" and once there, their behavior is more destructive. If someone thinks a situation is out of control, they can easily become a Tank. A Tank declares martial law and runs right over you. Life is really simple to them. You are part of the solution or you are eliminated. They may rip you apart personally but the irony is, "it's nothing personal". You just happen to be in the way of an end result and so are eliminated. Control has other expressions. When people have suppressed resentment, Sniping is often the result. It is a bit subtler than the Tank in that their attack is hidden in put down humor and sarcasm or simply may be behind your back. A third controlling behavior is Know-it-All. They control through knowledge and they really know a lot but they are closed-minded to everyone else's possible contribution. If we shift gears to the intent to Get it Right, we find people still focused on the task but less assertive because they have to slow things down to make sure all the details are covered. If the people around them are not paying attention to accuracy, then they can become more perfectionist. They can even get to a point where no one can meet their high standard and then begin to feel helpless or hopeless. When people feel helpless, Whining is the result. When people feel hopeless, Negativity (No Person) results. But what they both have in common is they speak in generalizations that "everything is wrong, nothing is right, and it's always that way." It is these generalized problems that drive everyone around them crazy, because the first step to problem solving is specifics. You can't solve a generalization. Other people in the face of a high standard just get frustrated and give up. They say, "Fine, do it your way. Don't come crying to me when it doesn't work out. " From that point they become the Nothing person. You also see Nothing behavior from a different motivation. Out of the intent to Get Along with people, if it isn't happening, people start behaving in ways to get approval. So Nothing is a common result, since if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say it at all. Agreeable Yes behavior also stems from this motivation. Out of the desire to please and get approval, people don't consider their own needs, but just say yes to whatever anyone else wants. Maybe behavior can also originate from this zone. When faced with a decision that could hurt someone's feelings they just put it off until it is too late. Shifting mental gears, we move to the intent to Get Appreciated by people. Here the focus is on people and behavior tends to be more assertive because what goes hand-in-hand with appreciation is a desire to contribute to others. If they are not getting the appreciation they feel they deserve, behavior gets more attention getting and before you know it you may be dealing with a Grenade. The Grenade is the temper tantrum. It is different than a Tank attack in that the Tank is focused on a person and you know what the issue is. When a Grenade blows up they do so in 360 degrees, indiscriminately and everyone goes. You are more likely to hear things like, "It's the government's fault! That's the problem with the world today." and other statements that make no sense given 2

19 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 Shifting mental gears, we move to the intent to Get Appreciated by people. Here the focus is on people and behavior tends to be more assertive because what goes hand-in-hand with appreciation is a desire to contribute to others. If they are not getting the appreciation they feel they deserve, behavior gets more attention getting and before you know it you may be dealing with a Grenade. The Grenade is the temper tantrum. It is different than a Tank attack in that the Tank is focused on a person and you know what the issue is. When a Grenade blows up they do so in 360 degrees, indiscriminately and everyone goes. You are more likely to hear things like, "It's the government's fault! That's the problem with the world today." and other statements that make no sense given the present circumstances. A Tank is demanding action. A Grenade is demanding attention. What we also see out of a need for attention is another kind of Sniper; friendly fire. These are people who like you and use put down humor as a way of showing their affection. Another behavior with an extreme need for attention is Think-they-know-it-all behavior. Here you have someone acting like they know what they are talking about but they don't. Tank, Sniper, Know-it-all, Think-They-Know-it-All, Grenade, Yes person, Maybe person, Nothing person, No person and Whiner are the top ten-problem behaviors people face. But the good news is communication is like a phone number and there is a "right number" behaviorally that you can dial that can pull people out of their stress response and back into the normal zone of behavior. When you re under an attack by the Tank, you ve been targeted as part of the problem. The aggressive behavior is meant to either shove you back on course or eliminate the obstacle you represent. Virtually any situation can be a battlefield. And there is nothing subtle about the direct approach by the Tank. The attack can be a full, frontal assault loud and forceful. Or, it can have the quiet intensity and surgical precision of a laser. While the Tank can rip you apart personally, the irony is that its nothing personal, as the attack is a means to an end result. You Better Adjust Your Attitude Watch your emotions, as they can be your greatest point of vulnerability. There are three typical emotional responses to an attacking tank: In a burst of anger you may want to counterattack. You might win the battle, but could still lose the war, because the Tank might choose to escalate by building an alliance against you You might attempt to defend, explain or justify your position. The Tank has no interest in hearing your explanations and your defensive behavior is likely to further antagonize the Tank, who will engage in even more offensive behavior in response. You could shut down and become a Nothing Person. In a wave of fear, you may want to withdraw from the battle, slink off and lick your wounds or lose yourself in private thoughts of hateful vengeance. Fear is a sure-fire signal to the Tank that the attack is justified and you are somehow deserving of the pounding they are giving you. 3

20 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 Your Goal: Command Respect Any attempt to attack, defend or withdraw will work against you. Instead, you must restrain these reactive tendencies, find courage and stand your ground. Whenever you re being verbally assaulted, attacked and accused, your goal must be to command respect because Tanks simply don t attack people they respect. Aggressive people require assertive responses, but you must send a signal without becoming a Tank yourself. Action Plan Step 1. Hold your ground. The first step is to stay put and hold your ground, neither running away nor gearing for battle. Do not change position, whether you happen to be standing, sitting, leaning or making up your mind. Look silently the Tank in the eyes and shift your attention breathing. Breath slowly and deeply. Intentionally breathing is a terrific way to regain self-control. What is the nonverbal message: you are focused on getting the job done, you are getting it done and (the Tank) is a distraction. Step 2. Interrupt the attack. The best way to interrupt anyone, whether they are yelling or not, is to evenly say their name (depending on the relationship) over-and-over again until you have their full attention. In the case of a Tank, say their name firmly, clearly and repeatedly until they stop the attack. Five or six times should be enough to bring the attack to a halt A Tank may attempt to override your voice by raising the volume of theirs. Continue to repeat their name until they come to a complete stop. Aggressive people actually like and respect assertive people who stand up for themselves as long as the assertiveness is not perceived as an attack. Step 3. Quickly backtrack their main point. Once you have the Tank s attention, backtrack the main accusation. Backtracking is a good example of listening with respect and it conveys to the Tank that you heard them Backtracking also saves the Tank from repeating themselves Be quick about it and keep just to the facts. The Tank is geared up for action and wants this over as quickly as you do; since the Tank is speaking and thinking at a rapid pace, you can blend by speeding things up. Step 4. Aim for the bottom line and fire. The bottom line varies according to your situation, but is about two sentences long. The attention span of a Tank is extremely short, so you have to cut to the chase as fast as you can. Preface your bottom line with your ownership of it by saying, From my point of view or The way I see it This prevents your bottom line from restarting the way Example: I understand that our service hasn t satisfied you (backtracking). Your satisfaction is our goal. So that I may help you quickly. I ll need some information and you can help me to help you by answering a few questions. (Bottom line) Step 5. Peace with honor. Never close the door in the Tank s face; they make take this as a challenge and then crash right through it. When you leave the door open, the Tank has room to back off. You offer them a peace offering of having the last word, but you assign when When I am finished with my presentation, I will be happy to hear your feedback. If you re someone who is operating in a get along mode, being so blunt and assertive may seem threatening, but to a Tank, these behaviors are no more than a little give-and-take and gives them a chance to see what you re made of. More than likely, they will fire off a parting shot and move on, but don t be surprised if your assertiveness wins them over as an ally in some future skirmish with another Tank! 4

21 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 There are several motivations for sniping behavior. Some people snipe when they are angry about the way events have turned out and are carrying out a grudge against a person or people who interfered with their plans. Some people snipe as a way of undermining those that obstructed them. And some people snipe to get attention from people that they like. When events don t go as planned or may be obstructed by others, a get it done person may eliminate the opposition through sniping. To avoid retaliation, a Sniper hides behind devious techniques, such as rude comments, sarcastic humor, biting tones of voice and the classic roll of the eyes. Snipers use confusion as a weapon by making irrelevant remarks that throw people off track and leave them looking foolish. Not all sniping is meant to wound or kill...there is such a thing as the relatively innocent, attention getting, playful snipe. Sometimes, teasing is an attention getting strategy motivated by the desire to make people laugh and thus gain appreciation. Not everyone like sarcasm or has the ability to laugh at a well-aimed put down. A playful snipe can cause a mortal wound and the Sniper would have no idea what damage was done. You Better Adjust Your Attitude If you don t like to be teased, it may become common knowledge that you re an easy target. Every time you react to sniping, you ll be setting yourself up as they gain encouragement to dish out more of the same. You may want to lash out blindly or run away, but the Sniper will extract victory from your defeat. You may want to tease back, but be warned...if you have never learned how to say obnoxious things in a humorous way to difficult people, your half-hearted attempts are revenge will surely backfire on you. If the Sniper can t get you to react, the behavior loses its value. The attitude to develop is one of amused curiosity, so you can put the behavior in perspective. When the sniper snipes, instead of taking it personally, get curious enough to focus on the Sniper instead of yourself. Liken it to an insecure, grade-school bully. Your Goal: Bring the Sniper Out of Hiding A Sniper can t snipe if there is nowhere to hide. Since the Sniper s limited power is derived from covert, not overt, activity, once you have exposed their position, that position becomes useless. By doing so, you take the fun out of it for the Sniper and force them onto common ground. Action Plan Step 1. Stop, Look, Backtrack. If you feel that something that is said or the way it is said, seems to be someone taking shots at you, stop!- even in the middle of a sentence. Interrupt yourself and bring the activity to a halt. Scan the Sniper and backtrack to whatever they just said in one smooth move Step 2. Use Searchlight Questions. Now is the time to turn on the searchlight to expose by asking a question to draw the Sniper out on a limb to expose their behavior The Intent Question, When you are say that, what are you really trying to say? The Relevancy Question, What does that have to do with this? Whichever searchlight question you use, they key to using it well is to keep calm and professional. And your Sniper has three choices to make: Back off. Keep sniping until the limb that the Sniper is taking shots from, breaks In that case, keep backtracking and questioning until the behavior stops. Drop out of a tree and launch a full scale Tank assault. 5

22 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 Step 3. Use Tank Strategy. if needed. If the Sniper starts accusing you of becoming the problem, no problem. You actually improved your situation as you ve found out what the problem is. Hold your ground Interrupt their interruption Backtrack the main accusation Aim at your own bottom line Step 4. Go on a Grievance Patrol. If you find evidence that someone is holding a grudge, you may want to clear the air privately. Listen carefully to understand. Speak to be understood. Step 5. Suggest a Civil Future. Whether in public or private, suggest alternative behavior in the future. In the future, if you have a problem with me, come talk to me one-on-one and I promise to hear you out. Know-It-alls are very knowledgeable and extremely competent people, highly and outspoken, highly assertive and outspoken in their viewpoints. Their intent is to get it done in the way that they have predetermined is best. They can be very controlling with a low tolerance for correction and contradiction. New ideas or approaches are frequently perceived as a challenge to the Know-It-All s authority and knowledge...regardless of the merit of the ideas or approach. They believe to be wrong is to be humiliated. They feel it is their duty to dominate, manipulate and control. You Better Adjust Your Attitude When confronted by your Know-It-All, you must overcome the temptation of becoming a Know-It-All yourself. You must also overcome the temptation to resent the Know-It-All, which can build up and blow up into an argument. Retrain yourself to be flexible, patient and very clever about how you present your ideas. Your Goal: Open Their Mind to New Information and Ideas A day may come when you have a batter idea or a missing piece of the puzzle. When that day comes and you feel the moral imperative of getting your idea implemented, take aim at the goal and go for it. If the Know-It- All stands in your way, let your mounting frustration become sheer determination to open their mind to your idea. Action Plan Step 1. Be prepared and know your stuff. The Know-It-Alls defense system monitors incoming information for errors. You need to know what you want to say and how to say it briefly, clearly and concisely. Step 2. Backtrack Respectfully. You will have to do more backtracking with a Know-It-All than any other difficult behavior. They must feel that you have been heard and understood their brilliance. Step 3. Blend with your doubts and desires. Know-It-Alls have developed a finite set of dismissal statements that reflect their highly developed criteria, which become predictable over time. If you feel a dismissal statement coming on, beat them to it, but dovetail your idea with their doubts. Step 4. Present your views indirectly. Proceed quickly, but cautiously at this step as you have temporarily disengaged their defense system. Use softening words like maybe, perhaps, this may be a detour, bear with me a moment, and I was just wondering... Use plural pronouns like we or us rather than I or you Use questions instead of statements. Step 5. Turn them into mentors. There is no further explanation needed here. 6

23 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 Like other people who become Think-They-Know-It-Alls, their abrasive behaviors result from the desire to get appreciation. When he feels slighted in any way, he is likely to up the stakes and try harder than ever to attract some behavior in his direction. Think-They-Know-It-Alls are assertive in their behavior, pushing their way into conversations where they might not be wanted. They are strong people focused, since people are the source of the attention and appreciation they crave. You Better Adjust Your Attitude If you have a low tolerance for people who exaggerate to the point of lying or who traffic misinformation, there is nothing you would like better than to burst this person s bubble. But be warned: when you challenge or confront them aggressively, their only way out is with grander claims and louder persuasions. This can lead to disastrous consequences as they lead people down an illusionary path. No matter how far they stretch the truth, don t give in to the temptation to stretch in the other direction. If you do, you will lose your credibility and people will thing the same things about you that you think about your Think-They-Know-It-Alls. Also, be patient...wait for the right moment to move things into a different direct. Timing can be important and good timing requires patience. Your Goal: Give Their Bad Ideas the Hook Your goal is to catch them in the act and give their bad ideas the proverbial hook, only in this case, you ll want to do this without putting the Think-They-Know-It-All on the defensive. Action Plan Step 1. Give them a little attention. There are two ways to give a minimum attention to the Think-They-Know-It-All: Enthusiasm is to a Think-They-Know-It-All as a spotlight is to an actor. Backtracking is a sure fire way to signal that you are paying attention while at the same time putting them on the receiving end of their foolishness. Acknowledge positive intent than wasting your time with their content. Thanks for wanting to contribute to this discussion may be a positive projection that s enough to end the negative distraction and give them what they want: attention. Step 2. Clarify for specifics. Ask some revealing clarifying questions for specifics. Since Think-They-Know-It-Alls like to use universal words like everybody, always and significant, counter with phrases like Who specifically, When specifically, and Significant in what way? Be extremely careful with your nonverbal. Look innocent and curious and resist the temptation to embarrass them. Humiliation never works as a long term strategy. Step 3. Tell it like it is. Now is a good time to redirect back to reality and tell it like is from your point of view. Using I language, you will keep your comments less threatening as possible. The way I heard it, What I ve read, I ve seen, etc Document your information quote journals, articles and the like. Even a Think-They-Know-It-All can t fight printed facts and won t try. Step 4. Give them a break. Resist the temptation to embarrass them. Instead, make them an ally by giving them a way out. Show them a document and say, But maybe you haven t seen this article before. Junk o Logic Take the Think-They-Know-It-Alls idea and hook it together with yours and act like they are somehow related. It will confuse the Think-They-Know-It-All and get the meeting back on track. Step 5. Break the cycle. Use gentle confrontation to tell them the truth about their negative behavior, while actively looking for things that the person is doing right and give credit where credit is due. 7

24 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 When a person whose efforts to get appreciated are thwarted by another s indifference, they may become the Grenade. When the intent is not met, their behavior becomes inescapable and immediate demand for attention. Blowing up, or losing emotional control, is the last resort defense strategy against the feeling of unimportance. If tolerated through the years, it becomes the first line of defense. Grenades hate themselves for while their doing it, after they do it and whenever they feel they are going to do it again. You Better Adjust Your Attitude The two most common reactions to people who explode are 1) blow up at the Grenade for blowing up, and 2) quietly withdraw and hate the grenade from a safe distance. Both reactions are based on disgust and sometimes fear. Hating someone who already hates themselves is like pouring gas on a fire. Instead of saying to yourself, I don t need this. I don t deserve this, you can do yourself a favor for forgiving the Grenade in their moments of temporary insanity. To break the cycle, you must stop blaming them for what they blame themselves for doing. The easiest thing to do is breath, go to a mental happy place and wait it out for the dust to settle. Your Goal: Take Control Your goal is to take control of the situation when the Grenade starts to lose it. Though it is impossible for you to stop a Grenade from exploding once the pin is pulled, the Grenade can stop themselves given the right circumstances. You can create the right circumstances. Action Plan Step 1. Get their attention. To get someone s attention when they are losing control, call their name, raise the volume of your voice so you can be heard through the explosion and wave your hands slowly back and forth in front of you (this also works exactly the same way when you re on the phone). You don t want to be misunderstood as being aggressive, so make sure your tone and language are friendly. As you do, wave your arms back and forth to attract their attention. Step 2. Aim for the heart. Show you genuine concern for this problem person by saying what they need to hear. By listening closely, you can determine the cause for the explosion, then backtrack while reassuring them of your concern. The first few frustrated statements leading up to it usually has something to do with the present circumstances. Then, they quickly diverge into a massive generalization or areas that have nothing to do with the present circumstance. During the explosion, deliver an understanding comment to let the Grenade know you understood them, There is obviously something that is troubling to you here and we will deal with it. When you hit the heart, you ll be surprised at how quickly the Grenade calms down. Step 3. Reduce the intensity. If you re aim is true, the Grenade will register a hear-hit by trying to shake off the anger or rapidly blink their eyes. This is a good sign that you hit the mark as it means your problem person is running a systems check to see if anything is damaged before coming back to their senses. When you see this kind of response, you can begin to reduce your voice volume and intensity. You can talk them down from their peak explosion to a normal level of communication by reducing the intensity of your own communication. Step 4. Time off for good behavior. There is no sense in trying to have a reasonable discussion about the cause of the explosion while the problem person has adrenaline still coarsely running through their veins. Whether it is 10 minutes, an hour, a day or a week, take a time out so as to have a meaningful follow up. Step 5. Grenade prevention. If you can find out what pulls the pin, don t pull it! If you have a relationship with the Grenade, you can come right out and state, I want to reduce conflict with you and ask what makes them mad. Helping the problem person to realize the consequence of their behavior may prove helpful and you may be one of the few people around whom the Grenade never loses it again. 8

25 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 Yes People have a strong people focus countered with poor task focus, which means they can be very disorganized to their approach to most tasks. Yes People can over commit themselves, as they are trying to run their life based on the desirers of other people. Sometimes they have no clear idea how to follow trough on something they had agreed to do because they didn t analyze the task before agreeing to do it and don t think about the down-line consequences of saying one thing and downing another. Because they are nice people and are driven by the desire to get along wit others, Yes People hopes it all works out wonderfully, but when it doesn t they feel terrible about it, but don t feel responsible for not following through because there is always a set of circumstances beyond their control that caused the trouble. You Better Adjust Your Attitude It is easy to feel sabotaged by Yes Person, yet confronting and blaming them for leaving you holding the bag of empty promises will only perpetuate the behavior. They will say whatever they need to in order to placate you, even if it means making more unrealistic commitments. Bottom line: you will never get someone to keep promises by making them feel bad about breaking them. Recognize that your Yes person is simply lacking skill in the area of organization and is too disorganize to recognize the deficiency or to do anything to correct it. You can help change your future by helping your Yes Person develop their task skills. With patient and caring assistance, the Yes Person will prove to be the best teammate you can hope for. Your Goal: Get Commitments You Can Count On Your goal is to get commitments you can count on by making it safe for them to be honest, teaching them task-management strategies and strengthening the relationship. Action Plan Step 1. Make it safe to be honest. Make the communication environment a safe one so the two of you can have an honestly examine whether promises that have been made for the future can be kept. Keep the conversation calm or this can parlay into several meetings over an extended period of time. Step 2. Talk honestly. If you think your Yes Person is angry or resentful about something, or believe in their excuses (whether justified in your opinion or not), encourage them to talk it out with you. Hear them out without contradicting them, jumping to conclusions or taking offense. Then backtrack, clarify and make sure you acknowledge them for their honesty...tell them how much you appreciate it. Step 3. Help them learn a plan. Once you ve listened to the Yes Person s point-of-view, it will be obvious why you cannot take their yes as an answer. This is the time to create a learning opportunity to change history with your Yes Person to create a positive experience to keeping a promise in the past. Step 4. Ensure commitment. At the end of conversation, thank your Yes Person for talking out the problem with you and ask, What will you be able to do differently the next time you ve made a promise to me and are unable to carry it out? Once you have received your answer, you must follow through and ensure commitment. Here are five simple ways to ensure commitment and follow through: Ask for their word of honor. Ask them to summarize the commitment. Get them to write it down. Utilize weird deadlines they stand out because they are unusual Describe negative consequences Step 5. Strengthen the relationship. Acknowledge the times when you Yes Person was honest with you with doubts and concerns, make an event out of every completed commitment and be careful how you deal with a broken promise. Be patient as this is an evolving learning opportunity. 9

26 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 Decisive people know that every decision has an upside and downside. They develop the habit of making their best decision and dealing with the negative outcomes as they occur. However, when people become Maybe People, they can t see their way clear to the best decision because the downside of each option blinds them. They have numerous reasons for not seeking help: Not wanting to bother anyone Not wanting to upset anyone Not wanting to be the cause of anything going wrong So they procrastinate and put it off, hoping an even better choice will present itself. Unfortunately, with most decisions, there comes a point when it is too late to decide and the decision makes itself. You Better Adjust Your Attitude Impatience with procrastination creates static and static makes a tough decision even tougher. Anger puts the kiss of death on the decision-making process. If you try and push your Maybe Person into making a decision, they ll push against your efforts with more doubts. If you drag your Maybe Person into a decision, they ll pull back by stalling. You need personal warmth (to trust you), sensitivity to the feelings of another (without it, you lose trust instantly), patience (information extraction takes time) and the desire to help (because teaching this is going to be a process). Your Goal: Help Them to Think Decisively Your Maybe Person s problem is a simple one: they don t know a systematic method for choosing between two imperfect choices. Your goal is to give this person the strategy for decision making and the motivation to use it. You can feed someone a fish and they ve had a meal. Or...you can teach someone to fish and eat for a lifetime! You are going to create a communication environment where your Maybe Person wants to stop procrastinating and learn how to make a reasonably good decision. Action Plan Step 1. Establish a comfort zone. Did you ever tell a salesperson that you were going to think about it, even though you knew you weren t going to buy it? The get along part of you didn t want to deal with the discomfort of telling the truth. To reach your Maybe Person: address your first remarks to the importance of a dependable relationship with them; reassure them that you believe relationships improve with open communication; if you think its prudent, reassure them that the conversation will remain private. Keep your tone of voice and facial expression consistent with comfort and safety. Step 2. Surface conflicts, clarify options. Patiently explore, from the Maybe Person s point of view, all of the options and obstacles involved in making a decision and any people that might be adversely affected by the decision. Listen for words of hesitation like, probably, I think so, pretty much. that could be true and so on, as signals to explore deeper. Step 3. Use a decision-making system. The best way to make a decision is to use a system. There are plenty of systems developed, so there s no need to reinvent the wheel: Ben Franklin Method draw a line down the length of a piece of paper with pros to a decision on one side and cons on the other. Then, compare the pluses and minuses. Step 4. Reassure, then ensure follow through. Reassure your Maybe Person that there are no perfect decisions but the one they made is a good one. Ensure that they follow through by staying in touch until the idea is implemented. Step 5. Strengthen the relationship. Be willing to take a few moments from time-to-time and listen to the Maybe Persons concerns; talk on a personal level with them and help them learn the decision making process whenever the opportunity arises. 10

27 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 When you look through the lens of understanding, the Nothing Person s behavior begins to make sense. The Nothing Person is passive, but can be task focused or people focused depending on the thwarted intent-get it right or get along. When the intent to get along is threatened or thwarted, shy, quiet or thoughtful people tend to withdraw and become more passive. Get it right Nothing People seek perfection, but nothing measures up. They may decide that no one cares about avoiding mistakes as much as they do and that nothing will change that condition no matter what they say. They get frustrated and withdraw. You Better Adjust Your Attitude To make sure that nothing you do make matters worse with a Nothing Person at their worst, you must find a way to slow down. When you are in a get it done mode, a get it done Nothing Person can slow you down and the frustration can easily turn into aggressive communication, which guarantees that you will get nothing out of them, as well as impatience with a get along Nothing Person, who is trying to avoid conflict and disapproval. Since impatience and frustration drive Nothing People into nothingness, it is essential that you look and sound like you have all of the time in the world. To get something out of a Nothing Person, you must be calm, relaxed, seeing things through their eyes, assuming their body position/facial expressions and observe your emotional state as that person. You may be surprised at how well you can understand and communicate with a Nothing Person using this method. Your Goal: Persuade the Nothing Person to Talk Your goal is to persuade the nothing person to talk. This is not only possible, but its probably because when you use this strategy, nothing can stop you. Action Plan Step 1. Plan enough time. A hostile nothing person may push you up against your deadline. You need information badly they've got it you want it they won t give it to you. For this reason, protect yourself by planning ahead: Plan a few 15 minute communication opportunities ; that way, if at first you don t succeed, you can keep coming back to try. Once they get the message that you re not giving up, they may open up just to get you to quit showing up. Step 2. Ask open-ended questions expectantly. It isn t just what you ask, but how you ask it that makes all of the difference in the world. When you ask the question make certain that your nonverbal are also asking for a response. Look and sound like you are getting an answer (the expectant look), a skill based on the idea that you get what you expect. Don t let this become a staring match. Rather, review what s happened so far and then ask your question again. The pressure builds to a point where the Nothing Person feels compelled your behavior to answer you. If the person says, Nothing, then you can say, What else? If the person says I don t know, then you say, Guess, or Make up something, or If you did know, what would it be as you give them your best expectant look. Step 3. Lighten it up. When nothing else is working, try a little humor. Making absurd, exaggerated and impossible guesses about the cause of the silence can crack a smile or break down the armor of the toughest of Nothing People. Step 4. Guess. Put yourself in the Nothing Person s place and think back to the course of events as you understand them. Once you come up with an idea(s), pitch it/them to them and watch for a reaction. Preface it by saying something like, I m only guessing here, but. People hate to be told what you know what they are thinking, but love it when you guess correctly! Step 5. Show the future. Sometimes the only way to get a Nothing Person talking is to show them the consequences to their continued silence and perhaps, find enough perspective and motivation to open up. 11

28 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 The No Person is a task-focused individual motivated by the intent to get it right by avoiding mistakes. When the short comings, weaknesses and failings of others get in the way of perfection, then nothing measures up, mistakes look on the horizon, and the No Person feels despair, thus finding the negatives in everyone and everything else. No People also have the uncanny ability to extinguish hope in others and smother creative spars before they catch fire...almost in an attempt to protect the people around them from disappointment by preventing them from getting their hopes up. Of all the difficult people, the behavior of these negative people has the most insidious effect on all others as negativity undermines motivation, stifles development and leads to depression and hopelessness in others. No People don t intentionally try to make everyone miserable...they really do believe it is as hopeless as they say it is. You Better Adjust Your Attitude The key to dealing with the No Person is to have compassion instead of contempt. You ll also need perspective and patience for the long haul ahead. There are few outcomes in life as gratifying as when a negative person gains the courage to let of fear and begin to live. This new framework will change your response to their negativity. Your Goal: Transition to Problem Solving Your goal is to move them from fault finding toward problem solving, from stagnation to innovation, from decline toward improvement. You might not stop the flood of negativity completely, but you can succeed in turning back the tide to its proper course. Action Plan Step 1. Go with the flow. Attempting to convince a No Person to be positive is like struggling to climb out of quicksand: the harder you struggle, the more embedded you become. The first step for dealing with negative people is to allow them to be as negative as they want to be. Step 2. Use them as a resource. The No Person can serve two valuable functions in your life: they can be your personal character builder and they can serve as an early warning system. If you want to build character, hang out with a No Person and remain positive, since adversity builds character. If you want to have fun, the next time your No Person overwhelms you with negativity, place your hand gently on their shoulder, look them in the eye and say, Thank you for the wonderful work you are doing. It will confuse them and get them to stop while making you feel better for messing with them! The No Person can serve as a smoke detector for incoming or potential problems. Run a new idea or plan past your No Person and you will find some truths to the negative person s concerns and such knowledge can lead you and others to preventative action. Step 3. Leave the door open. No People tend to operate in a different time reality than other people. Rushing your No Person to make a decision will force them to slow down or bring things to a complete halt. Indicate that the door will remain open with statements like, If you change your mind, let me know, or Why don t you think about this for a while and get back to me with any ideas you might have for solving the problem. There may be a bog payoff at the end of the race for your willingness to hurry up by slowing down the starting line. Step 4. Go for the polarity response. Otherwise known as reverse psychology, throw down the gauntlet by insisting that even they would be incapable of finding a solution to the problem You re right, its hopeless. Because they are in an adversarial position anyway, don t be surprised if you see your No Person go in an opposite direction. Step 5. Acknowledge their good intent. Avoid temptation to say, I told you so and include your No Person in the victory celebration! It might have an effect on other people s perception of them, as well as themselves! 12

29 DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Article 1.3 The Whiner is the cousin of the negative No Person. Both behaviors emerge out of the intent to get it right. The Whiner suffers from an inability to see what could and should be, but compensates with the ability to see what s wrong with what was and is. They have a vague sense that events should be different from what they are, but have no clue about how events ought to change. This leaves them utterly helpless to deal effectively with what they don t like. Because of this feeling, they are vocally less assertive than the No Person, but feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. You Better Adjust Your Attitude Sometimes people who deal with Whiners become Whiners themselves. There are four acts of desperation that only make the situation worse. They are called the Whiner Don ts: Don t agree with the Whiners, as it encourages them to keep complaining. Don t disagree with them, as they will feel compelled to repeat their problems. Don t try and solve their problems for them-you can t Never ask them why they are complaining to you about their problems. They hear this as an invitation to start all over again from the beginning. There are three attitudinal requirements that will help you deal with a Whiner. They are called Whiner Do s: Do have patience with their impossible standards and seemingly endless negativity. Do have compassion for the poor complainers, whose lives are beyond their control. Do have commitmen to the lengthy process of getting them to focus on solutions. Your Goal: Form a Problem-Solving Alliance Your goal is to team up with them to form a problem solving alliance. The best way to work with a Whiner is to help diminish their feelings of helplessness by helping them to identify solutions. Done consistently, this can cure the Whiner from whining once and for all. Action Plan Step 1. Listen for the main points. Listen with pen and paper in hand so you can write down the main points of the complaint. It shows the Whiner you re listening and accepting delivery of their woe. This will also help you to backtrack and clarify, which is the next step in your strategy. You ll also never have to listen to the complaint again because you can immediately recognize it if it recycles the complaint. Step 2. Interrupt and get specific. Take command of the conversation through a tactful interruption and ask for your Whiner s help. Ask for clarification to get specifics, because vague problems are rarely solvable. Go down your list of main points and gather intel about each one in turn so that the Whiner feels completely heard and understood If they are unable to clarify, suggest that they gather more information and to bring that information back to you. Step 3. Shift the focus to solutions. Because Whiners often complain in generalizations, address each problem and ask your Whiner a simple question, What do you want? You may hear, I don t know. Use a standard Guess response. If their answer is absurd or impractical, provide them with a reality check. Step 4. Show them the future. Ask the Whiner to document and track their problem in writing; set a time to get back together to address the problem for a solution. Step 5. Draw the line. If backtracking, clarifying and asking for a direction has not produced real change in them, then drawing the line becomes necessary. In the face of continuing complaints, stand up, walk to the door and calmly say, Since your complaints seem to have no solutions, talking about them really isn t accomplishing anything for either of us. If you happen to think of some possible solutions, or change your mind about any of these problems, please let me know. Assure them that when they re ready, you will be there or them. 13

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