Healing from Domestic Violence

Transcription

1 Court Ordered Domestic Violence Anger Management Class-4 Healing from Domestic Violence by Yvonne Sinclair M.A. Healing from domestic violence can take time because old issues from family of origin must be addressed as well. The batterer has similar issues. He/she learned this behavior somewhere. If the batterer also wants the violence to stop, some definite and positive changes must be addressed immediately. Anger management help and counseling are a necessity. Stage one of the healing process is denial. The first step to change is recognizing the behaviors as abusive. Review this abuse list to familiarize yourself with violent and abusive patterns of behavior. Behaviors indicative of physical abuse: *Being hit, punched, slapped, or bit. *Being pushed or shoved. *Being threatened with physical violence or a weapon (hands can be weapons, too). *Objects being thrown. *Refusal to give assistance if you are sick or hurt. *Forcing you off the road if you are driving. *Having sex with you when you have stated NO either verbally or physically.

2 *Keeping you from leaving an area. *Abandoning you in a place that is not safe. *Throwing food on the floor or in the sink. *Yelling in your face. *Pointing a finger in your face. Emotional and verbal abuse is also a part of domestic violence. We may feel it could not possibly be happening to us. We may feel shock, misbelieve, numb, isolation, guilt, emptiness, hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness, we may slip into a deep depression, begin drinking or using drugs, we may cry easily, or even become workaholic to avoid addressing the fact we are in an abusive relationship. Stage two is anger. Why me? This anger may be displaced or projected on another person or situation. You may become negative, shut others out, and display hostility. Stage three is bargaining. Yes me, but what if, if only, etc. You may feel overwhelmed, stuff your anger, need more support, isolate from others, feel lonely, have headaches, and physical sensations of wanting or longing. Major Depressive Disorder symptoms may include weight gain or loss. Stage four of healing is depression or grief. You may feel heartbroken and/or crushed. A dull ache may linger for a

3 while with a feeling of emptiness. A mixture of feelings may cause confusion and anguish. You may feel bitterness, and tormented. Talking to someone will help and facilitate your strength returning. Stage five is acceptance. Here is a sense of peace. Accepting the fact the relationship was abusive. Accepting your part of the dance, such as staying and not calling the abuser on their behaviors. You can now plan for your better future. You realize here that others are not to blame for your choices and healing is under way. Finally, renewal happens. You are a more aware and changed person. Times of feeling released are extended and joy and laughter return. Some of the common characteristics of abused spouses follow. You may find several apply to you. They are here for information and education. They may help the victim to understand the why of staying and facilitate the healing process. You are; Typically from a dysfunctional family in which your emotional needs were not met. You received little nurturing in your growing up years. You try to fill those unmet needs by becoming a caregiver. You may be terrified of abandonment, of being alone and will do anything to keep this from happening.

4 Almost nothing is to troublesome, time consuming, or expensive to help your spouse. You are willing to go much farther than 50% of the responsibility, quilt, and blame in a relationship. Your self esteem is critically low and deep inside you do not believe you deserve to be happy. You actually believe you must earn the right to enjoy life. Because of your abusive childhood, you have a desperate need to control your spouse, your relationships, your children, and your environment. You mask your efforts to control people and situations as being helpful. In a relationship, you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be than with the reality of your situation. You are addict to emotional pain. You may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, you avoid focusing on your responsibility to yourself. You may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which you try to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.

5 You are not attracted to partners who are kind, stable, reliable, and interested in you. You find such people boring. If this sounds impossible or unreasonably ridiculous, think again. This is the pattern of the violent relationship victim. This is their part of the dance. However, these patterns of behavior, distorted thinking, and feeling about self can also be healed and changed. Professional help may be needed to assist the person with this process. Some major steps in the healing process will be recognizing your rights, being able to establish and defend healthy personal boundaries. Within a relationship, each partner possesses personal rights. A healthy relationship allows each partner to remain an individual. The partners are together because they want to be together -- not because they need to be together. Each partner has their own personal boundaries and the right to respect and privacy. In a healthy relationship, trust is automatic. However, sometimes distorted thinking, irrational ideas, or mistaken assumptions hinder our ability to trust and to partake in a healthy relationship. Rights;

6 We may assume we do not have rights. We may think it is selfish to prioritize our needs before the needs of others. We may also think it is selfish to demand that our views should be respected. We may also think it is unacceptable to ever make a mistake. We may feel the pressure to always be flexible, consistent, and logical. We may think our emotions are not as important as our partner s emotions. These are all mistaken assumptions. Each person has rights. These rights include the following: the right to make mistakes, the right to have respected and honored feelings, the right to have an active voice in what happens in the relationship, a right to privacy when and where necessary, a right to make mistakes, a right to put yourself first, a right to ask for emotional support, a right to ask for sex, a right to respect the answer, a right to change your mind, and a right to be wrong. In a healthy relationship, these rights are honored and respected. Personal boundaries; Personal boundaries are sometimes hard to comprehend. Sometimes we have no idea what boundaries we should have or what boundaries we want. Only you can make this decision. Personal boundaries are your personal rules about other people being with you or in your personal world. For example, one personal boundary may be the

7 following: people in my world do not call others names. Another personal boundary is: I don t stay in a relationship that is not nurturing for me. Let s start with boundaries that are not nurturing. This type of boundary (or way of being in your world); will diminish your personal rights. It may cause the feeling of being out of control. This way of being diminishes your feelings of self-worth. Others direct your life, and they tell you what to feel and do. Emotional, sexual, verbal and/or physical abuse is allowed and tolerated. Trust is difficult. You may not trust a single person, or you may disclose everything. There are no boundaries about what you talk about, and you tell all. First sexual impulses are acted upon, and you fall in love immediately. You don t stay true to yourself, and you please others before yourself. You have sex to please a partner even if you don t want to have sex. Keep in mind that people with poor boundaries don t notice other s poor boundaries. Nurturing Boundaries; These boundaries, or way of being in your world, will increase your feeling of control over your world, and they

8 will encourage your feelings of self-worth to grow. Trust is not immediately given to others. Instead, trust is appropriately granted to others as they prove themselves to be trustworthy. You talk about yourself when you know it is safe and you reveal only what is needed and appropriate. Falling in love is done in steps and with clear thinking. Self-pleasure is important to you in any sexual activity. No is a part of your vocabulary and you using it when you don t want to participate or accept something. You clearly communicate your needs and desires. You don t expect others to fulfill those needs automatically, but you are clear in your asking. You know your friends and partners are not mind readers. You stay in touch with your values regardless of others needs. You ask permission before you touch others, and you ask for the same respect. You notice when others are displaying inappropriate and/or poor boundaries. You notice when others are not respecting your personal boundaries. Relationship Boundaries; Relationship boundaries may be different than your personal boundaries. They may include boundaries about

9 how your partner treats your children, your social life with your partner, or rights to personal privacy. Even though you are in a relationship, your personal boundaries are important and necessary. If you give up your personal boundaries, then your relationship becomes less healthy. You give up your boundaries in a relationship when you are unclear about your needs and your boundaries. allow abuse of yourself and/or your children in your relationship. believe you have no personal rights of your own. believe you do not have a right to privacy. have trouble getting in touch with your anger, but you feel hurt and manipulated. allow behaviors in your partner you would not allow in other people. live your life as wishing and waiting as opposed to acting on your dreams and needs. take care of your partner sexually without regard for your wishes. For instance, you have sex when you just want to be held.

10 Your boundaries are clear and healthy in a relationship when you give clear messages about your needs and wishes. are in touch with your feelings and know when you are sad, angry, or happy. are only satisfied when you are on track to achieving your dreams. only engage in sexual activities when you are interested in sharing. are always aware you have choices. insist others are safe in your home. expect others to respect and honor your privacy without feeling the need to lie or hide anything. have a defined but still flexible personal standard. have the ability to say No when it is right for you. have a feeling of security that is not affected by the events around you. change for the better and encourage growth in your relationship. have friends that are personal and friends that are a social circle for your relationship.

11 spend time just with your friends without feelings of guilt need to take care of your partner s feelings. Relationship Satisfaction Evaluation Check List; Key: 0-Never 1-Sometimes 2-Most of the time 3-Always Communication is clear and honest. I feel heard. Conflicts are discussed and resolved without hurt. Fighting is productive and non-abusive. Degree of affection is right for me. Sex is mutual and respectful. My needs and wishes are always considered in our sexual activity. I am clear about my needs.

12 There is a high degree of emotional intimacy. I feel safe being vulnerable. I feel comfortable sharing personal feelings and wishes with my partner. Our values and goals are similar. We are able to maximize our similarities, and we accept and appreciate our differences. You can use this to evaluate any relationship. Your evaluation score indicates if the relationship is working for you. If it is not, then only you can decide what to do with this information. If you are dissatisfied, and your partner is also dissatisfied, then you can decide to continue without change, take different roads, or get some help changing your dynamics in order to create joy and ecstasy. You re in charge!!! Eat to Control Your Anger. Get Your Grocery List Here. by Yvonne Sinclair M.A. Remember the old days? No, not that early I mean the real old days, like the 40 s and 50 s. Well, I am sure some of you were not even a thought in your parent s expectations at that time. Have you seen presentations, photos, or articles about that era? Have you listened to the music?

13 Well, let us explore those eras to see why they were the good ole days." In those times, people actually sat down and ate dinner with their family. People talked to the neighbors and had neighborhood parties. Some people sat on the porch in rockers and watched the cars cruise by their house. People on the porch waved at the people in the cars, and the people in the car waved back. Food was not as processed as it is now. Clothes were made from real fibers. Now, I am sure you can list the negative, but this is my story, and I like the positive aspects of that era. Today, we are on the go constantly. Who says hello to someone they meet walking (fast, I am sure) down the sidewalk? Have you ever sat on a porch and rocked? Can you see the zillions of stars from your back yard? How processed is the food you place into your body, and what affect does it have on your well-being? We go, go, go today. We have a great need to progress and succeed... progress to where and succeed in what? How is the stress of this era affecting the people struggling to survive? Has your neighbor dropped over and chatted just to chat, ever? Most of us feel this everyday stress is at an all-time high. Unfortunately, this fast-paced lifestyle takes its toll on our physical selves. Between parenting with soccer, football, cheer, dance, music, karate, teacher conferences, home work, and keeping your employment satisfied, life does not happen. What happened to just being with your

14 partner, much less the children? Where do we find the time to nurture our relationship and connect with our children? As busy as our life is and as hard as we try to keep it all together, living in a constant state of overdrive can have a serious effect on our health. There are some things we can do to help notice our stress level, pay attention to the ones we love, and care about ourselves. The fast pace itself creates physiological problems within our bodies. Our ability to handle anger is lowered not only by the stress, but also by the effects of the stress and constant on the go. *Anger is thought to be the leading cause of divorce. *The Department of Health and Human Services reports, Domestic fights turn violent when anger is not controlled. This accounts for more visits to the emergency room than auto accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. *The American Heart Association in 1996 reported, People who chronically lose their temper have far higher risk of developing serious cardiac and other disease. Stress can be controlled. Even the stress level you experience on a daily basis can be lowered by engaging in certain activities and eating certain foods. Some physical

15 conditions can increase your fatigue and therefore your stress level. Stress and Fatigue. In the November 2010 issue of the magazine For Women First, Dr. Oz explores physical conditions to have your doctor consider if you are fatigued. Even though the magazine is for woman, these conditions are not limited to the female gender. *Pre-diabetes symptoms: intense cravings for sweets or carbs, belly-centric weight gain, frequent infections, severe PMS perimenopausal or menopausal symptoms, and/or darkened skin on the inner thighs, neck, armpits, knees, or elbows. *Chronic Fatigue Syndrome symptoms: exhaustion even after mild physical activity, brain fog/forgetfulness, body aches/joint pains, and/or sore throat. *Anemia symptoms: light-headedness, a racing heart or shortness of breath, frequent headaches, cold hands and feet, and/or muscular weakness.

16 *Low Thyroid symptoms: brittle fingernails and hair, often feeling cold, weight gain, depression, constipation, and/or memory lapses. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, then you should visit a Primary Care Physician. Feeling fatigued can increase your stress, and an increase stress can lower anger control. Stress and Foods. Most of us live with a full schedule each day. Operating in a constant state of overdrive can be detrimental to our health. Shawn Talbott, Ph.D., author of The Cortisol Connection, states Any kind of stress-from traffic congestion to public speaking-prompts the adrenal glands to produce hormone cortical. In the November 2010 issue of the magazine First for Women, this topic is further discussed. In small bursts, this hormone sparks the release of stored blood sugar, increases heart rate and increases circulationphysiological effects meant to energize you to respond to whatever is triggering anxiety. The problem is modern stressors like bills and deadlines rarely go away. This keeps the adrenals in a continuous state of cortisol production. Complicating matters: Over time unrelenting stress leaves the adrenals exhausted and unable to keep up

17 with the cortisol demands. This depletes the glands ability to pump our sufficient levels of hormones like adrenaline, nor epinephrine, and testosterone, which help the body cope with anxiety. And left untreated, adrenal fatigue can lead to more serious conditions, including fibromyalgia, autoimmune disease, and type 2 diabetes. In other words, our constant on the go lifestyle and stress will lead to more stress with physical problems and disease.\ The good news is there are some foods that help us break down excess cortisol. Of course the most permanent and healthy solution would be to slow down our schedule and spend time taking care of ourselves, spending time with family and friends, and smelling the roses. Here are the foods to help lower the cortisol level: *Vitamin C rich foods like citrus fruit, bell peppers, and sweet potatoes. *Magnesium found in spinach, beans, and, nuts. *Omega-3 fatty acids found in fish and flaxseed. *Zinc rich foods like red meats and dark chocolate help as well. For Women First promises, All told, these healing foods can restore adrenal health and leave you with increased energy, sunnier moods, sharper focus and a slimmer waistline in as little as two weeks!

18 Wow! I m going shopping for these foods. Got your grocery list ready? How to Determine if Someone is Clinically Depressed: Are you or someone you know experiencing Major Depressive Disorder? By Yvonne Sinclair M.A. Review of Major Depressive Disorder-Defined (an important aspect of healing from domestic violence is being healthy) If you, or someone you know, has been feeling sad most of the day and can t seem to shake that down feeling, perhaps you or that person has Major Depressive Disorder. Dysthymia is a form of depression that is milder than Major Depression. It lasts for at least two years. We will be exploring Major Depressive Disorder that is not Dysthymia. Depression can happen to anyone. It can be caused by a traumatic event, a change in body chemistry, or a sense of deep loss. In some cases, an inherited family pattern can spark the depression. This is sometimes called a

19 predisposition for depression. Depression is usually caused by what we perceive as a traumatic event. Therefore, depression is not a preventable condition. To one person, trauma can be a huge, horrible event, but to another, it can be something more subtle. Each person has his/her own reality, so another person cannot determine if a specific event was traumatic for another. Only you can determine what feels traumatic to you. Feeling sad, having low energy, having a low libido, or being irritable can indicate an episode of Major Depressive Disorder. Notice the diagnosis is disorder. This is not a mental illness that can only be treated and maintained with medication. It is a disorder, so just like a physical flu, this disorder can go away. While sadness touches all of our lives at different times, the illness of depression can have enormous depth and staying power. If you have ever experienced depression or been close to someone who has, you know that this disorder cannot be changed at will. It cannot be wished or joked away either. It is not just the blues, and you cannot just get over it. Depression is similar to an emotional flu. When you go to the Medical Doctor and tell him/her you have symptoms such as fever, nausea, etc, the doctor may say, Oh, you have the flu. Go home and get lots of rest. Drink lots of fluids and take care of yourself. So, you go home and say to yourself, Self, this is so stupid. Why can I not get over this fever and throwing up?!

20 Right? No, you do not. You take care of yourself and let your body heal. Depression is a form of emotional flu. I instruct my clients to take care of themselves and let their mental body heal. Saying to yourself, Self, this is so stupid. Why can I not just get over feeling drained and irritable? Just as saying "get over it" for the physical flu symptoms won't cure the symptoms, you cannot just tell yourself to get over the depression. Depression symptoms will tell you how the emotional flu" is affecting your life. Depression flu symptoms are sometimes not as obvious as physical flu symptoms. Have you or someone you know changed recently? This person has no energy, a lack of concentration, and decreased libido. In children, irritability can be a symptom of depression. How do the mental health professionals determine if we are sad or having a Major Depressive Disorder episode? Being depressed has nothing to do with personal weakness. Scientists have determined that changes in nerve pathways and brain chemicals called neurotransmitters can affect your moods and thoughts. These changes in brain chemistry may show up as symptoms of depression. This may include sleep problems, change in appetite, irritability, and decreased energy. Although these symptoms are signs of depression, if you talk to any two depressed people about their experiences, you may think they were describing entirely different realities. For example, one might not have the ability to maintain their usual energy level while the other might feel tired and unable to motivate themselves.

21 Sometimes when people are depressed, it feels like they are up to their necks in mud. Everything is a huge effort. One person may feel sad and break into tears easily. One might pick at food without any appetite, and another might want to eat constantly. Depression symptoms are not universal, so each person will experience depression in his/her personal way. Sometimes we slip into depression. The sad mood starts out light, and they slowly become deeper before we realize we are in the process of slipping into a depressive state. We can use a check list as a reality check in order to see if our sad has slipped past the just sad mark into a depression zone. Some studies show that depression has certain common patterns. For example, women are almost twice as likely as men to suffer from depression. While major depression may start at any time in life, the initial episode occurs, on average, during the mid-20s. One theory is that depression is anger turned inwards. If we identify our anger and express it towards the reason, then we are angry. That way, our depression may lessen or even dissolve. Men are notoriously taught it is not okay to cry, but it is okay to be angry. So when they are sad, sometimes they turn their emotions into anger. Women are generally taught it is okay to cry but not to be angry, so you guessed it: women have the tendency to turn anger into depression. This may account for the higher numbers of women than men experiencing depression. Depression or hopelessness may feel so paralyzing that

22 it makes seeking help seem impossible. Studies show the vast majority of people who receive professional treatment rebound emotionally within two to six weeks. Then they take pleasure in life once again. When Major Depression Disorder goes untreated, however, suffering can last for months. Furthermore, episodes of depression frequently recur. About half of those who sink into an episode of major depression will have at least one more episode later in his/her life. Some researchers believe diagnosing depression early and treating it successfully can help forestall such recurrences. They suspect that the more episodes of depression you have experienced, the more likely you are to have future episodes because depression may cause enduring changes in brain circuits and chemicals that affect mood. Counseling can also help identify and inherently remedy the underlying issues that may be the cause of your depression. Counseling can also help you change the way you look at events or the way you communicate your needs. It can also offer ways to empower you to be happy. Can we prevent Major Depressive Disorder? If we discover we have Major Depressive Disorder, are we stuck being sad for the rest of our life, or can we change the way we are feeling? Do we have to take medication to make it all better? What can we do to get back to feeling

23 like ourselves again? Once we climb out of a depression episode, what can we do to keep from falling in again? Our diet, exercise habits, and thinking patterns can play a part in the progression of the depression. Making changes now can offer long-term benefits to your mental health. We can prevent depression by staying in touch with our feelings and being assertive about our needs and personal boundaries. In addition, we can also engage in some depression-prevention activities such as the following: Stay active: Physical activity is advantageous for your physical health, and it can also help to lift or prevent depression. Almost any type of physical activity for at least 30 minutes, three to five times a week, is enough to serve the purpose. Aerobic activity is good for lifting depressive symptoms when they are not severe. This includes walking, swimming, and any other movement that is repetitive. Aerobics for 20 minutes a day is recommended for lifting depression symptoms. Stay connected with friends and family: Keeping your social life active helps to keep your mind occupied and fulfilled. Sometimes people suffering from depression have the tendency to want to close the door and lock out the world. This only exacerbates the depressive symptoms. Taking steps to stay involved with the people in your life and reaching out to meet new ones can help to prevent depression from occurring. Find somewhere to talk: Sometimes a friend or family member is not enough. Preventive therapy, whether

24 you choose to see a therapist one-on-one, in a support group, or even online counseling, can give you third party insight into your situation and help you through it. Other activities: Find an activity that you can enjoy without the help of others. You may enjoy yoga, tai chi, journaling, or reading. These activities can help relieve stress, and they serve as a distraction. Here's a word of caution: sometimes we keep busy, busy, busy in order to avoid our issues. Be sure you are not preventing yourself from addressing the underlying cause of your depression. Care for your physical health: If we don t feel good physically, it can affect our mental health. Have a medical doctor appointment to address your feelings of depression and trouble shoot about any physical symptoms that may be adding to your ability to feel good emotionally. Remember to eat healthy. Whole grains are believed to help lift depression. Popcorn, whole oats, whole wheat, and oatmeal are all great ways to get our whole grains. Be careful when it comes to alcohol. It is a depressant and will consequently exacerbate the depression. When you experience Major Depressive Disorder, usually the chemistry in your brain has been changed. Sometimes a chemical is necessary to change the brain chemistry back to normal. I am not sure what normal is, but to me, the word normal in this case means back to the real you. This chemical is called anti-depressant medication. There are dozens of antidepressant medications and natural remedies. A consult

25 with your physician would be a good place to start. If your doctor prescribes you an anti-depressant, and you experience undesirable side effects, then call consult with your doctor. Medication dosage or a change in medication may be in order for you. Just because one anti-depressant worked wonders for someone you know does not mean you will react to that same medication in the same manner. Counseling can also help you identify and then remedy the underlying issues causing your depression. Counseling can help you change your way of looking at events, the way you communicate your needs, and it can offer ways to empower you to be happy. To help with recovery, see your physician, naturopath, herbalist, and/or counselor. The symptom checklist is from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. This DSM is used by physicians, counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists to diagnosis Major Depressive Disorder. The following is a list of emotional and physical symptoms that may be indicative of Major Depressive Disorder. If you suspect your child is experiencing depression, then schedule a consultation with a counselor or physician. Let us explore your symptoms with our DSM based check list. If you find you have five or more "yes" answers to the symptoms on the checklist below, medication is an option

26 for you. Take a copy of the symptom check list with you to your doctor appointment. Major Depressive Disorder-Symptoms Explored Answering yes to five or more of these symptoms may mean you have Major Depressive Disorder. If you suspect you are having an episode of Major Depressive Disorder, please consult with your physician. Appetite change/weight loss or gain total of five pounds or more. Do you eat more or less than usual? Trouble sleeping o Trouble going to sleep o Trouble staying asleep o Trouble waking early Trouble with concentration Sad most of the day Cry easily Feeling helpless and hopeless Feelings of worthlessness

27 Loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities Energy level down Sex drive/libido decreased Suicidal thoughts or a definite plan Irritable Angry outbursts-suddenly you are mad and wonder, Where did that come from? A tendency to isolate yourself, close your door, and keep the world away. Some clinicians today believe that depression is caused by a combination of factors. Some factors include biological (including a possible predisposition to depressive episodes), social, and psychological. Treatment focusing exclusively on one of these areas may not be as helpful as a treatment that addresses all three issues. Complementary and Alternative Treatments for Depression: Complementary and alternative therapies, such as herbal treatments, exercise, relaxation, meditation exercises, and acupuncture are all possible solutions for depression. Be sure to initially address all areas of yourself: physical, mental, social, personal, and emotional. Then examine your relationships.

28 When you see a professional, share any other therapies you plan to seek. Interaction of herbs, supplements, and medication is a possibility. If you seek the help of alternative medicines, make sure they are authentic and consisting of quality. Also, your doctor may be able to offer advice about that particular alternative therapy. Feel good again. Get you back, and get some tools with help from the professionals available to you. Take active steps to prevent slipping into depression again! Copyright 2010 by Yvonne Sinclair M.A., MFCC. All Rights Reserved.