THE WAYS BETRAYAL TRAUMA ALTERS THE MIND AND BODY DR. KEVIN SKINNER, LMFT, CSAT BLOOMFORWOMEN.COM

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1 THE WAYS BETRAYAL TRAUMA ALTERS THE MIND AND BODY DR. KEVIN SKINNER, LMFT, CSAT BLOOMFORWOMEN.COM

2 COPYRIGHT NOTICE & DISCLAIMER This book is not intended as a substitute for professional advice given by licensed therapists or medical professionals. The reader should regularly consult a therapist in matters relating to his/her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of Bloom for Women, LLC, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law by Bloom for Women, LLC i

3 OUR BODIES AREN'T DESIGNED TO HANDLE LONG-TERM ELEVATED ANXIETY AND STRESS. THIS ACUTE STRESS AND ANXIETY WILL TAX THE ENTIRE BODY AND WEAR IT DOWN. Introduction ii

4 Introduction THE WAYS BETRAYAL TRAUMA ALTERS OUR BODY AND MIND Stress and anxiety are natural in everyone's life and in many cases they can even be beneficial. In moderation, stress can help us perform tasks more efficiently and improve memory. Similar to exercise, it can improve heart function and make the body resistant to infection. Good stress can even improve and empower one's abilities, enabling increased performance and heightened accomplishment. We want to help you understand your stress response, how that stress might be affecting your body, signs of chronic anxiety and stress, and a few things you can do now to eliminate stress. Positive stress, for example, is shortlived and is experienced during college exams, championship basketball games, public speaking, performing medical surgeries or even dealing with toddler throwing a tantrum while trying to check out at the grocery store. However, ongoing traumatic stress, like the stress associated with the discovery of a spouse's pornography or sexual addiction, can have lasting effects. iii

5 #1 ARE YOU STRESSED OUT?

6 Elevated stress can be dangerous to your mind and body. It's not uncommon for someone to not even realize they are stressed, allowing the negative side effects to creep in. 5

7 Chapter 1 ARE YOU STRESSED OUT? When you are betrayed by the person who is supposed to love, respect and support you the most, your world shatters. It may feel as though the whole life of your relationship has been a lie. Many people naturally retrace their relationship's history adding in all the missing details of betrayal that they just learned. Elevated stress can be dangerous to your mind and body. It's not uncommon for someone to not even realize they are stressed, allowing the negative side effects to creep in. Many times, when asked about their own stress, people respond with "Not really, my life is just this way." In truth, their mind and body are feeling the effects of their stress, but they aren't aware of it. So, are you stressed out? In this short assignment, our goal is to help you better identify how stress manifests itself in your life. In order to do this, consider the following question: In the past week, what issue from your life has been the most on your mind? Once you have identified the issue ask yourself this question, "Out of 100%, what percentage of my thoughts have been positive regarding this issue and what percent have been negative?" Here's a short example of how this assignment might look: "This week, I spent most of my time thinking about what my husband was doing when he was away from me. I worried that he was lying to me about where he was. Out of 100% I would say that 95% of my thoughts regarding this issue were negative and 5% were positive. The only reason I said 5% was positive was because my husband remembered to stop by the store on his way home and pick up the items I asked him to. 6

8 Under stress most of us want to escape or hide or get away from it. Have you considered how your stress is influencing you and your life? In other words, how are you responding to your stress? Now consider your own thoughts, what have you been thinking about the most this week? Record your thoughts in your journal. To complete the assignment, please answer these three questions: 1. Would you agree or disagree that your most consistent thoughts have increased your heart rate and created a physiological response that others could recognize (e.g. anger, frustration, elevated voice)? Please explain your answer. 2. If you had the ability to reduce how much you think about this issue or avoid thoughts related to the issue all together would you? Please explain your answer. 3. Do you feel that the issue that you have been thinking about the most is out of your control or something that you cannot influence? Please explain your answer. According to researchers who study stress, if all three of the items listed above are happening simultaneously, a person is stressed. While most stress is short lived, some stressors last for days, weeks, months, and even years. Under stress most of us want to escape or hide or get away from it. Have you considered how your stress is influencing you and your life? In other words, how are you responding to your stress? If you are like most people, you may turn to unhealthy habits (e.g. eating, spending, drinking alcohol, etc.) or you might internalize your stress. This generally leads to depression and elevated anxiety. Unfortunately, when we turn to unhealthy habits, they add to our problems rather than fix them. We now invite you to assess your response to stress and identify potential ways that it may be harming you. In your journal, please share how you typically deal with your stress. If you don't like the way that you are dealing with stress, please include three things that you could do to better deal with your stress (there isn't a right or wrong answer to this). 7

9 Did you answer yes to most of the questions in the assignment? If so, you are probably suffering from unhealthy chronic anxiety and stress, which is relatively normal considering your current life situation. It is important to recognize and acknowledge that this negative stress is typical for what you are experiencing. 8

10 #2 HOW DOES STRESS AFFECT MY BODY?

11 Do you feel indescribable fear? Do you feel helpless and have powerful and recurring memories of what your partner has done? If you have these feelings, you are actually processing your trauma normally and are trying to make sense of the situation. 10

12 Chapter 2 HOW DOES STRESS AFFECT MY BODY To further explain how stress and anxiety affect the body, read the Ebook How Excessive Adrenaline And Cortisol Can Damage The Body. In a survey of 800 women with Betrayal Trauma, we have learned that: 75% Feel indescribable fear 85% Have feelings of being helpless 62% Relive the traumatic memory of what their partner has done Is this true of you? Do you feel indescribable fear? Do you feel helpless and have powerful and recurring memories of what your partner has done? If you have these feelings, you are actually processing your trauma normally and are trying to make sense of the situation. However, if these all-consuming thought patterns are not reduced over time, your mind and body will become overwhelmed and eventually wear out. This could lead to long-term negative problems on physical, emotional and mental levels. Suggestion: In the upcoming section, if you recognize specific symptoms you may want to write them down in your journal. If you find you have more than 50% of the symptoms, it may be beneficial for you to seek out professional therapy to aid in symptom reduction. Warning Signs of Long-Term Anxiety and Stress After most stressful situations, we quickly return to a normal state of mind. In the case of a public speaker, their speech is finished and stress is reduced to normal levels. Or, in the case of an athlete, the game ends. Our body is prepared to endure short-term anxiety and stress. 11

13 However, after you discovered your partner's sexual betrayal, your stress has probably not been short-lived. As mentioned earlier, this is problematic; your body's safety response system was designed to protect you from difficult situations for short durations of time, minutes and days, not weeks, months or even years. And yet, we've learned nearly 43% of women have reported having these negative feelings for over two years! Do you find yourself feeling worn out and tired? In addition to feeling worn out and tired, are you experiencing any of the following symptoms? Physiological Headaches Elevated blood pressure Anxiety Irritable bowel syndrome Tired Emotional Depression Grief and loss Loneliness Muscle tension and tightness Additional Symptoms Increased anger Mood swings Forgetfulness Being on edge or uptight Being easily distracted As you read this list, how many of these 17 symptoms have you been feeling? It's helpful to remember that feeling one or even all of these symptoms is typical for your situation. You are undergoing a normal response to the trauma you have encountered. However, it is important to realize the more of these symptoms you have, the higher your levels of anxiety and stress may be. Spiritual Numbness to spiritual matters Apathy Lack of trust in God Hurt and feelings of abandonment 12

14 #3 WHAT CAN YOU DO NOW?

15 Our bodies aren't designed to handle long-term elevated anxiety and stress; this acute stress and anxiety will tax the entire body and wear it down. It s important to learn a few good habits that will curb the intensity of that anxiety and stress. 14

16 Chapter 3 WHAT CAN YOU DO NOW? Self-expression can be very therapeutic both for the artist and the receiver. If you would like to draw, paint, take a photograph, make a sculpture or find a stock photo of what trauma symbolically looks like in your life, we encourage you to do so. Get creative! Send a snapshot of your artwork to hello@bloomforwomen.com with a short explanation and we'll anonymously post it to our Facebook page. This helps others to see that they are not alone. Our bodies aren't designed to handle long-term elevated anxiety and stress; this acute stress and anxiety will tax the entire body and wear it down. It s important to learn a few good habits that will curb the intensity of that anxiety and stress. We invite you to start implementing some basic steps to relax your mind and reduce the constant feelings of stress and trauma. To start with, we offer three seemingly simple yet enormously effective suggestions in reducing anxiety and stress. The key is to integrate them with a motivated diligence! Find ways to relax. Make it a priority. This includes getting a good night's rest, spending time in nature and enjoying its pure beauty, breathing deep, going out with your trusted friends for a stress-free evening. Make time for exercise. At minimum, try to walk for 30 minutes a day. Even better, yoga is especially beneficial in the healing process, as it can work wonders on trauma. Add more nutrition into your life. Eat more vegetables. Eat smaller meals and more often in the day. Try to limit your sugar intake. Smart nutrient intake increases mental and emotional balance and decreases sudden spikes in negative stressors. Resources Bloomforwomen.com - Bloom specializes in Betrayal Trauma. If you or someone you know is involved in an unfaithful relationship and needs help, Bloom may be a valuable resource for you. Click here to watch the video. 15

17 Additional Reading How Betrayal Trauma Manifests Itself The Power of Journaling How Excessive Adrenaline And Cortisol Can Damage The Body Beginning to Respond to Betrayal Trauma 16

18 About the Author Dr. Kevin Skinner is the Clinical Director at Addo Recovery, LLC and has been serving individuals for 18 years. He has created online assessments for more than 250,000 individuals that center on relationship intimacy and pornography addiction. These assessments serve as a helpful guide to people working toward recovery. Dr. Skinner s newly developed Compassion Model is a therapy style that helps people develop greater compassion. It changes how individuals feel about themselves and others and is a great healing tool for individuals and couples. 17