Enhancing Your Conflict Competence. Vanderbilt University Osher Life Long Learning Course, Spring, 2015
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1 Enhancing Your Conflict Competence Vanderbilt University Osher Life Long Learning Course, Spring, 2015
2 Review Definition of Confict Focusing on differences Levels of conflict intensity Fight/Flight physiology Importance of self-awareness Basic attitude towards conflict Default styles in dealing with conflict Triggers (verbal, physical, behavioral)
3 DESIRED OUTCOMES CONCEPTUAL 1. Conflict Definition 2. Focus on Differences 3. Levels of Conflict 4. Fight/Flight Response PERSONAL 1. Increase Self-awareness 2. Recognize Triggers BEHAVIORAL
4 Fight/Flight Response
5 DESIRED OUTCOMES CONCEPTUAL 1. Conflict Definition 2. Focus on Differences 3. Levels of Conflict 4. Fight/Flight Response PERSONAL 1. Increase Self-awareness 2. Recognize Triggers 3. Note favorite verbal weapons BEHAVIORAL
6 Verbal weapons Attack/blame Self-defend Complain Sarcasm Ask a Righteous Q Speculate Discount Interrupt
7 DESIRED OUTCOMES 1. Conflict Definition 2. Focus on Differences 3. Levels of Conflict 4. Fight/Flight Response 5. Three Conversations a) what happened b) Feelings c) Identity CONCEPTUAL BEHAVIORAL PERSONAL 1. Increase Self-awareness 2. Recognize Triggers 3. Note favorite verbal weapons
8 The What Happened conversation Principle: the situation is more complex than either party can see fully Three dimensions: Truth Assumption Intention Invention Blame Frame
9 What Happened? Truth Assumption A BATTLE OF MESSAGES Assumption: I know all I need to know to understand what happened Conclusions Interpretations Observations Goal: Persuade other person I am right Available Information The Ladder of Inference
10 What Happened? Truth Assumption A BATTLE OF MESSAGES Assumption: I know all I need to know to understand what happened Goal: Persuade other person I am right A LEARNING CONVERSATION Assumption: Each of us brings different information and perceptions to the event (unknown to the other Goal: Explore each other s stories
11 What Happened? Intention Invention A BATTLE OF MESSAGES Assumption: I know what the other intended Goal: Let they know what they did was wrong A LEARNING CONVERSATION Assumption: I know what I intended and the impact their actions had on me (not what they were thinking/intending) Goal: Share the impact on me and find out what their thinking was. Also what impact I have on them
12 What Happened? Blame Frame A BATTLE OF MESSAGES Assumption: It s all their fault. (or all my fault) A LEARNING CONVERSATION Assumption: We probably have both contributed to this mess. Goal: Get them to admit blame and take responsibility for making amends Goal: Understand the contribution system: how our actions interact to produce this result
13 DESIRED OUTCOMES 1. Conflict Definition 2. Focus on Differences 3. Levels of Conflict 4. Fight/Flight Response 5. Three Conversations a) what happened b) Feelings c) Identity CONCEPTUAL BEHAVIORAL PERSONAL 1. Increase Self-awareness 2. Recognize Triggers 3. Note favorite verbal weapons
14 The Feelings Conversation A BATTLE OF MESSAGES Assumption: Feelings are irrelevant and not important to share (or their fault and they need to hear all about them) Goal: Avoid talking about feelings (or unload on them) A LEARNING CONVERSATION Assumption: Feelings are the heart of the issue and usually complex. I may have to work a bit to understand my feelings. Goal: Acknowledge and address feelings (mine and theirs) without judgment or attribution
15 DESIRED OUTCOMES 1. Conflict Definition 2. Focus on Differences 3. Levels of Conflict 4. Fight/Flight Response 5. Three Conversations a) what happened b) Feelings c) Identity CONCEPTUAL BEHAVIORAL PERSONAL 1. Increase Self-awareness 2. Recognize Triggers 3. Note favorite verbal weapons
16 The Identity Conversation A BATTLE OF MESSAGES Assumption: I am competent or incompetent, good or bad, lovable or unlovable. There is no in between Goal: Protect my all-ornothing self-image A LEARNING CONVERSATION Assumption: There may be a lot at stake psychologically for both of us. Each of us is complex, neither is perfect. Goal: Understand the identity issues on the line for each of us. Build a more complex self-image to remain balanced better.
17 DESIRED OUTCOMES 1. Conflict Definition 2. Focus on Differences 3. Levels of Conflict 4. Fight/Flight Response 5. Three Conversations a) what happened b) Feelings c) Identity CONCEPTUAL BEHAVIORAL 1. Acknowledge 2. Pause 3. Shift Stance 4. Listen 5. Explore PERSONAL 1. Increase Self-awareness 2. Recognize Triggers 3. Note favorite verbal weapons
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