What is Relationship Coaching? Dos and Don tsof Relationship Coaching RCI Continuing Education presentation David Steele and Susan Ortolano According to the International Coach Federation professional Coaching is: partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential. Professional coaches provide an ongoing partnership designed to help clients produce fulfilling results in their personal and professional lives. Coaches help people improve their performances and enhance the quality of their lives. Coaches are trained to listen, to observe and to customize their approach to individual client needs. They seek to elicit solutions and strategies from the client; they believe the client is naturally creative and resourceful. The coach's job is to provide support to enhance the skills, resources, and creativity that the client already has. So how is that distinguished from other helping professions? Therapy- Therapy tends to deal with healing pain, dysfunction, and emotional issues from the past and improving emotional states, as well as diagnoses such as depression, substance abuse, etc. While more joy and happiness can be a result of coaching the primary focus of coaching is about the future and achievement of goals. Counseling- Although therapy and counseling are closely related, Counseling addresses a specific area. For example Grief Counselor supports a Client in dealing with understanding and dealing their grief.
Consulting- Consultants are generally hired by an organization or individual for solving a problem in a specific area. The Consultant is considered the expert in the field and diagnoses a specific problem and solves it such as a computer consultant. In Coaching Clients are ultimately the experts and are capable of generating their own solutions, with the Coach supplying supportive, discovery based approaches. Educating- Educating of course is teaching and the Educator is the leader and the expert who has come to impart knowledge, learning objectives, and information to the participants. Although there is often interaction and support provided, it is a different dynamic to coaching and has a more linear learning path and a set agenda/curriculum. Mentoring- Although mentoring is often confused with coaching, mentoring is more of a guidance process where someone guides from their own experience and success model in a specific area and is often more about the sharing. Basic Dos for Coaches 1) A Coach sets a clear foundation for the coaching process It is important to make sure to let your client know the standards you have as a coach and the policies that you hold for your practice. It is helpful to establish a written coaching agreement so that all of the logistical information is clear as well as the session policies you hold and payment arrangements are clear as well as the consequences. Once this is set and signed, the actual coaching process will run more smoothly. 2) A Coach consciously co-creates a positive Coach-Client relationship Establishing trust is a very important element of the Coaching process. It is important for you as a coach to keep your word with Clients by demonstrating personal integrity, showing up on time, following the standards you set, allowing yourself to relate and connect to create a safe space for the Client. It is also important to demonstrate respect for Client s perceptions, learning style, and areas of sensitivity. Also having a coaching presence for each session is vital to establishing trust. Holding the Client as whole, perfect, and complete, bringing an energy of love and respect ( Seeing the loving essence )to the process will help you establish trust with the client as well as demonstrating good personal relationship skills. Also
clearing your own energy to remain neutral and open to the personal being of the Client prior to the session will help build trust as your Client will often sense if something negative is in your space. 3) A Coach uses effective communication skills Since we teach communication skills, it is especially important that we demonstrate active heart-centered listening, hearing the Client s concerns, goals, values, beliefs in a loving way and mirroring back or summarizing so Clients know they re being heard. If you choose to interupt a Client when they veer off into too much story or drama, ask them permission initially to do that so they know what to expect. Use powerful, open ended questions to create clarity towards where they are headed and evoke discovery, insight, and presences possibility and new learning. We also want to ask questions that move the Client forward towards their goal rather than looking backwards. That doesn t exclude examining limiting, false beliefs for understanding, but doesn t spend time dweling on them, the past, the stories that have interfered with the achievement of their goals. Using direct communication and language that has the most positive impact on the client, clearly stating objectives, meeting agenda, purpose of exercises will continue to build trust and respect between you and your Client. Reframing is an important part of that to help the Client understand and paint a clear picture. 4) A Coach facilitates learning and results Creating awareness for the client using intuition and hearing beneath what the Client is saying and the stories and limiting beliefs and attitudes they are carrying that do not support them in achieving their relationship goals. Helping our clients distinguish between facts and interpretation will help them understand the deeper truth to help them achieve their relationship and life goals. Ultimately our goal as relationship coaches is that our Clients have relationships and lives that they love. Helping our Clients design conscious action by working with them to explore ideas, solutions, guidelines and a comfortable pace to implement actions steps. With singles and precommitted couples we have a great step by step structured process we work with, but use your coaches intuition to implement in a way to fits them best and will elicit the best measurable, specific results. As Coaches, we are here to Honor Client s Agenda and vision, holding their vision as the navigation point. We hold their vision and represencing them to that vision in the midst of any negative feelings, beliefs that come forward that may have them feeling discouraged. Honoring the Client s agenda also means refraining from
direct advice giving or telling them the prescription that they must follow or die in order to achieve their goal. Designing a plan of action always needs to fit their agenda and vision and what resonates with them. Of course with any plan of action, holding our Clients accountable is important in managing their progress. As Coaches, it is important demonstrating follow through by asking Clients for updates about what they committed to. Focusing on the accountability of the coaching plan also means being open to adjusting the plan if is appropriate. We also want to use a positive feedback approach when there is resistance to agreed upon action without making the Client wrong. If a Client does not follow through with an action step, it is helpful to use it as an opportunity for more discovery and growth that will help the Client understand the resistance and feel more empowered to take the next steps or recommit to the action again and follow through. As Coaches we want to follow through celebrate and acknowledgeour Client s progress and wins to help the momentum towards their goal and to help them develop their own internal shift towards positive self talk. Relationship Specific Coaching- Top Ten Guidelines 1. Relationship Coaching is not consulting or therapy. Coaching empowers by assuming our clients are the expert, fully capable of achieving their goals, and focuses on supporting them into action. Consulting typically provides advice and solutions, while therapy typically focuses on insight and emotional issues. Because these approaches are so different, the coach should be clear about these distinctions, educate clients about them, and make conscious choices about the nature of the coaching relationship that are in the best interests of our clients. 2. A Relationship Coach helps the client focus on the bigger picture. Relationshipcoaching is not efective when isolating our clients relationship goals from the rest of their life, such as work, family, friends, wellness, spirituality, etc. 3. A Relationship Coach shares relationship knowledge, experience, and information without attachment. Sharing expertise with our clients as a coach is very different from any other helping relationship. It is necessary to address our clients relationship skils
and knowledge deficits, however we do so in a way that supports them to discover and own their truth. 4. A Relationship Coach assumes a relationship is part of the journey, not the destination. We support our clients to focus on meaning, connection, and long-term goals, in addition to helping them find a partner or improve their existing relationships. 5. A Relationship Coach assumes that the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Our relationships are our mirrors. The Law Of Attraction dictates that what is inside shows up on the outside. We help our clients take responsibility for their relationship outcomes and be the partner they want to have. 6. A Relationship Coach does not judge a relationship as right or wrong, good or bad. As stated above, we assume our clients are the expert and honor their truth and agenda. While we have judgments, we do not impose them on our clients. We lead our clients through a process of discovery in which they are empowered to make the relationship choices that are right for them. 7. A Relationship Coach does not seek to get personal needs met with clients or prospective clients. An ethical coach values being of service above all else, holds the coaching relationship sacred, and does not allow a personal agenda to interfere with doing so. 8. A Relationship Coach addresses their clients sabotaging attitudes and choices without making them wrong. We skillfully help our clients become aware of the connection between their attitudes (beliefs, interpretations, etc), choices and consequences, and support them to make their own judgments and decisions about them in light of their Vision, Purpose, Requirements, Needs, and Goals. 9. A Relationship Coach is neutral about the outcome for pre-committed relationships, and an advocate for committed relationships. We value using the opportunity while single to make conscious long-term relationship choices, and believe in the power and necessity of commitment to make those choices work and be fulfilling.
10.A Relationship Coach walks the talk by continualy addressing his or her own personal and relationship development, challenges, and goals. We know that we can only help our clients along paths that we have traveled ourselves, and no further, so we must continually strive to be conscious and intentional in our lives and relationships. This includes furthering our own learning and development by working with a coach or mentor, on-going training, and other means.