Setting Personal Boundaries From oprah.com Do you have a hard time standing up for yourself? Do you keep agreeing to do things that you really don t want to do? Do you tolerate rude comments or pushy people because you can t handle conflict? Do you take things personally? Lifestyle Makeover expert Cheryl Richardson says that creating stronger boundaries is the No. 1 way for most people to improve their lives. Here she shows you how to stand up for yourself! Set personal boundaries and free yourself from the disease to please with these three steps! Step One: Self-Awareness The first step in setting boundaries is self-awareness. For example, pay close attention to situations when you lose energy, feel a knot in your stomach, or want to get away. Identifying where you need more space, self-respect, energy, or personal power is the first step. Another way to identify boundaries is to complete these sentences with at least 10 examples. 1. People may not. Go through my personal belongings Criticize me Make comments about my weight Take their anger out on me Humiliate me in front of others Tell off-color jokes in my company Invade my personal space 2. I have a right to ask for. Privacy Peace and quiet in my own space More information before making a purchase What I think is best for me 3. To protect my time and energy. It s OK to. Turn the ringer off on the phone Take my time returning calls or e-mails Change my mind
Bow out of a volunteer activity Cancel a commitment when I m not feeling well Reserve a place in my home that is off limits to others Step Two: Setting Your Boundaries Start with simple but firm boundaries with graceful or neutral tone. This will be uncomfortable at first but, as you take care of yourself, the personal power you gain will make it easier. 1. Be sure to have support in place before and after each conversation. 2. Vent any strong emotions with your partner before having your boundary conversation. 3. Use simple, direct language. Here are some examples: To set a boundary with an angry person: You may not yell at me. If you continue, I ll leave the room. To set a boundary with personal phone calls at work: I ve decided to take all personal calls in the evening in order to get my work done. I will need to call you later. To say no to extra commitments: Although this organization is important to me, I need to decline your request for volunteer help in order to honor my family s needs. To set a boundary with someone who is critical: It s not OK with me that you comment on my weight. I d like to ask you to stop. To buy yourself time when making tough decisions: I ll have to sleep on it; I do not want to make decisions right away. I want you to know that I won t be making a decision today. I d like to gather information. To set a boundary with a friend: I really appreciate that you are willing to help me. But I want to do this myself. To back out of a commitment: I know I agreed to head up our fundraising efforts but after reviewing my schedule, I now realize that I won t be able to give it my best attention. I ll need to bow out. I d like to help find a replacement by the end of next week. To set a boundary with an adult child who borrows money:
I won t be lending you money anymore. I love you and you need to take responsibility for yourself. 4. When setting boundaries, there is no need to defend, debate or over-explain yourself. Be firm, gracious and direct. When faced with resistance repeat your statement or request. 5. Back up your boundary with action. Stay strong. If you give in, you invite people to ignore your needs. Step Three: Strengthen Your Internal Boundaries One reason people take things personally is because they have weak internal boundaries. An internal boundary is like an invisible shield that prevents you from taking in a comment without checking it out first. For example, when someone accuses you of being arrogant, you stop and consider the statement before taking it in. When you use this internal shield (especially with difficult people like an ex-spouse or critical parent) it gives you time to ask yourself the following three questions: How much to this is true about me? How much of this is about the other person? What do I need to do (if anything to regain my personal power or stand up for myself? This last question is very important. Too often, people neglect to stand up for themselves by avoiding confrontation and weakening their internal shield, making it harder to set any boundaries. So, if someone offends you, it may be necessary to let them know in order to protect and strengthen your internal boundaries. Setting Functional Boundaries By Pla Meltody, healthyplace.com A boundary is a system of setting limits that enhances a person s ability to have a sense of self. Boundaries control the impact of reality on the self and other. The purpose of a boundary is to contain and protect reality. Reality is composed of four components: 1. The body or what we look like 2. Thinking or how we give meaning to incoming data 3. Feelings or our emotions 4. Behavior or what we do or do not do There are three components of boundaries. These are an external system, and a spiritual system. The External System protects the body and controls distance and touch. The Internal System protects thinking, feelings, and behavior. It acts like a block or filter and functions in conjunction with the External System. The Spiritual System occurs when two people are being intimate with one another and both are using their external and internal systems. Creation of Personal Boundaries Boundaries are created by: Visualization of External and Internal Systems Memorization of statements which create the External Physical Boundary and the Internal Boundary. The statement used to create the External Physical Boundary is: I have a right to control distance and touch with you, and you have the same right to do so with me.
The statement used to create the Internal Boundary is: I create what I think and feel and am in control of what I do or do not do. The same is true for you. We need only to note the impact of our reality on the other. If a person acts as a major offender, the person doing the offending is accountable for the impact and owes the other person and amends. External Physical Boundary You create the self-protective part of your external boundary when someone is approaching you. You do this by determining how closer you allow the person to stand to you and whether or not you are going to allow him/her to touch you. You create the other protective part of your external physical boundary when you physically approach another person. You do this by being respectful of an eighteen inch social distance between you and the other person and by not touching him/her without his/her permission. Boundary systems are invisible and symbolic fences that have three purposes Armor 1. To keep people from coming into our space and abusing us 2. To keep us from going into the space of others and abusing them 3. To give each of us a way to embody our sense of who we are Boundary systems have two parts: external and internal. Our external boundary allows us to choose our distance from other people and enables us to give or refuse permission to touch us. Our internal boundary protects our thinking, feelings, and behavior and keeps them functional. Personal Boundaries A boundary is a system of setting limits that enhances a person s agility to have a sense of self. Boundaries control the impact of reality on the self and others. The purpose of a boundary is to contain and protect reality. Reality is composed of four components: 1. The body or what we look like 2. Thinking or how we give meaning to incoming data 3. Feelings or our emotions 4. Behavior or what we do or do not do There are three components of boundaries: an external system, an internal system, and a spiritual system. The External System protects the body and controls distance and touch. The Internal System protects thinking, feelings, and behavior. It acts like a block or filter and works in conjunction with the External System. The Spiritual System occurs when two people are being intimate with one another and both are using their external and internal systems. Creation of Personal Boundaries Boundaries are created by: Visualization of External and Internal Systems Memorization of statements which create the External Physical Boundary, External Sexual Boundary, and Internal Boundary. The statement used to create the External Physical Boundary is: I have a right to control distance and non-sexual touch with you, and you have the same right to do so with me. The statement used to create the External Sexual Boundary is: I have a right to determine with whom, when, where, and how I am going to be sexual. You also have the same right to do so with me. The statement used to create the Internal Boundary is: I create what I think and feel and am in control of what I do or do not do. The same is true for you. We need only to communicate the impact of our reality on the other. If a person acts as a major offender, the person doing the offending is accountable for the impact and owes the other person an amends.
Three Guidelines to Boundary Procedures External Physical Boundary: You create the self-protective part of your external boundary when someone approaches you. You do this by determining how closer you allow the person to stand to you and whether or not you are going to allow him/her to touch you. You create the other protective part of your external physical boundary when you are physically approaching another person. You do this by being respectful of an 18-inch social distance between you and the other person, not touching him/her without his/her permission. External Sexual Boundary: You create the self-protective part of your external boundary when someone sexually approaches you. You do this by deciding for yourself if you want to be sexual with this person by asking yourself if it is in your best long-term interest to do so. If you agree to be sexual, you negotiate the issues regarding when, where, and how with him/her. You create the other protective part of your External Sexual Boundary when you are asking a person to be sexual with you. You do this by directly asking the person if he/she wants to be sexual with you and if the person agrees to be sexual by negotiating the issues of when, where, and how with him/her. Internal Boundary: You establish the self-protective part of your internal boundary when someone is talking. First, set your personal boundary. Then, say to yourself that the other person is responsible for creating what he/she is saying. You only take into yourself what is the truth for you. Block the rest by following this procedure: 1. If it s true, let the information in, embrace it, and allow your feelings about it. 2. If you determine the information is not true, allow it to bounce off your boundary. 3. If the data is questionable, gather data regarding the information. As you observe and analyze the information, you can determine if the information is true or not true. If it is true, filter the information and have feelings about it. If the information is not true, block it and remove it from your boundary. 1. True: Filter/Filter & Feel 2. Not True: Block/Block 3. Questionable: Filter/Block & Gather Data You establish the other protective part of your Internal Boundary when you verbally share yourself. As you share thoughts and feelings, you say to yourself, I have created what I am saying and feeling. I am the only one responsible for my thoughts and feelings. Physical Boundary Violations Standing too close to a person without his/her permission. Touching a person without his/her permission. Getting into a person s personal belongings and living space such as one s purse, wallet, mail and closet. Listening to a person s personal/telephone conversations without his/her permission. Not allowing a person to have privacy or violating a person s right to privacy. Exposing others to physical illness due to your having a contagious disease. Internal Boundary Violations Yelling and screaming Name calling Ridiculing a person Lying Breaking a commitment Patronizing a person Telling a person who he/she should be or what he/she should so