Dealing With Difficult People RCPA Management and Clinical Governance of Medical Laboratories. 16 November 2018 Donna Meredith, Managing Director, Keystone and Principal, Interaction Associates Australasia
They Walk Amongst Us Difficult people are everywhere; and everyone is difficult during certain moments of their life. Eventually all of us will work with a person that we think is difficult. In many cases the first response is to ignore or avoid that individual, but that seldom provides a sustainable, long term solution. RCPA MCGGML 161118 2
But Particularly challenging in Australia (and NZ). We like to be liked. Often strong bonds of friendship at work. Non-hierarchical culture? RCPA MCGGML 161118 3
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People If unaddressed, conflict will simmer just below, (and often explode counterproductively above), the surface at work. There are specific strategies that can assist in dealing with this challenge, and that can be used to create agreements among individuals that last. RCPA MCGGML 161118 4
Defining Difficult What do we mean by a difficult person? It is not about someone s personality; we are referring to and focusing on behaviour. Behaviour is something we can change, whereas personality is not. For this purpose, lets consider behaviours in respect of: How we handle situations (Directly or Indirectly). How we handle people (Without Regard or Responsively). RCPA MCGGML 161118 5
Defining Behaviour(s) Direct Excludes, Orders, Argues, is Disrespectful Includes, Asks, Discusses, is Respectful Without Regard Ignores, Disobeys, Resists, is Indifferent Joins, Complies, Agrees, is Harmonious Responsive RCPA MCGGML 161118 6 Indirect
But It Can t Be About Me Can It? Start by examining yourself. What is causing your reactions? Do you respond to a type? Is there a pattern? RCPA MCGGML 161118 7
Know Thyself - The Ladder of Inference Based on the work of Chris Argyris RCPA MCGGML 161118 8
But It Can t Be About Me Can It? Explore your perceptions with a trusted friend/colleague/partner. Pay attention to the unspoken agreement. What does change/improvement look like? Set reasonable goals. RCPA MCGGML 161118 9
Key Strategies RCPA MCGGML 161118 10
Plan For Success Check your ladder!!! Identify the behaviours Understand unstated need and wants Define desired change Choose approach(es) Build agreements Set reasonable goals Follow through RCPA MCGGML 161118 11
Defining Behaviours Direct Excludes, Orders, Argues, is Disrespectful Includes, Asks, Discusses, is Respectful Without Regard Ignores, Disobeys, Resists, is Indifferent Joins, Complies, Agrees, is Harmonious Responsive RCPA MCGGML 161118 12 Indirect
Can Be Perceived As? Direct Aggressive, Demanding, Insistent, Controlling Assertive, Inquiring, Supportive, Open Without Regard Aloof, Overly Friendly Responsive Cautious, or Agreeable, Guarded, Compliant, Risk Averse Appeasing RCPA MCGGML 161118 13 Indirect
Understand Unstated Needs/Wants Needs: Independence Esteem Wants: Control Authority Influence RCPA MCGGML 161118 14
Understand Unstated Needs/Wants Needs: Security Esteem Wants: Predictability Stability Low Risk RCPA MCGGML 161118 15
Understand Unstated Needs/Wants Needs: Security Esteem Social Wants: Acceptance Interaction Harmony RCPA MCGGML 161118 16
Understand Unstated Needs/Wants Needs: Self realisation Independence Wants: Involvement Growth Collaboration RCPA MCGGML 161118 17
Keep Your Cool The first rule in the face of a person you find difficult is to maintain your composure; the less reactive you are, the more you can use your better judgment to handle the situation. Benefits: Maintains self-control. Avoids escalation of problem. How: Strategic pause. Break and revisit. RCPA MCGGML 161118 18
Shift From Being Reactive to Proactive Check your ladder try multiple ways of viewing the situation before reacting. Widening your perspective on the situation can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding. Benefits: Minimises misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Concentrates energy on problem-solving. How: Avoid personalising other people's behaviours; people do what they do because of their own issues. Difficult behaviours from others say a lot more about them than they do about us. By de-personalising, we increase our objectivity leads to better ways of solving the problems RCPA MCGGML 161118 19
Change from Following to Leading Benefit: Leverage direction and flow of communication. Take control of the issue. How: Tackle small ; tackle early. Expand communication so topics are broadened and relationships built. RCPA MCGGML 161118 20
Separate the Person from the Issue In every communication situation, there are two elements present: The relationship you have with this person, and the issue you are discussing. Benefits: Builds rapport, cooperation and respect. How: An effective communicator knows how to separate the person from the issue, and be soft on the person and firm on the issue. RCPA MCGGML 161118 21
Put the Spotlight on Them A common pattern with difficult people (especially the aggressive types) is that they like to place attention on you. Benefits: Proactive. Equalise powers in communication. Applies appropriate pressure to reduce difficult behaviour. How: A simple and powerful way to change this dynamic is to put the spotlight back on the difficult person, and the easiest way to do so is to ask questions. Keep your questions constructive and probing. RCPA MCGGML 161118 22
Pick Your Battles Benefits: Save time, energy and grief. Avoid unnecessary problems and complications. How: Not all difficult individuals we face require direct confrontation about their behaviour. RCPA MCGGML 161118 23
Set Consequences; Build Agreements The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important skills we can use to "stand down" a difficult person. Benefits: Proactive not reactive. Builds sustainable change and cooperation when appropriately applied. How: Effectively articulated, a consequence gives pause to the challenging individual, and supports their shift from obstruction to cooperation. Building even a small agreement for change sets the stage for the future. RCPA MCGGML 161118 24
Building Agreements RCPA MCGGML 161118 25
Why Agreements Fail and How to Stop it Build Small Agreements We often try to go for large, complex agreements about change and frequently get stuck. Breaking proposals for change into their component parts and building smaller agreements keeps the situation moving forward and fosters agreement. RCPA MCGGML 161118 26
Why Agreements Fail and How to Stop it Dealing with too many changes or issues simultaneously. No one has yet succeeded in boiling the ocean. Deal with one change/issue at a time. Focus on Agreement, Not Disagreement. Focusing on disagreement creates barriers. Searching for agreement fosters collaboration and helps keep the discussion moving forward. RCPA MCGGML 161118 27
Reconciling Differences RCPA MCGGML 161118 28
Beyond Difficult Can difficult people change? Yes, if... They want to work on their behaviour. We find effective strategies to enable change. We recognise the influence we may have on the behavioural choices of others. RCPA MCGGML 161118 29
Our Special Friends: Passive Aggressive Sugar Coated Hostility Unspoken power struggle Potential manifestations? Sarcasm. White anting. Silence/sulking. Withholding. Habitual lateness. Not doing as asked. Malicious compliance. RCPA MCGGML 161118 30
Our Special Friends: Passive Aggressive Identify the behaviour for what it is: hostility. Don t be lenient; it s a power struggle. Set limits and follow through. For example, if someone is continually late, start without them. Talk specifically, not generally. Practice assertive communication: Clear, non-reactive, factual, respectful Acknowledge and validate, but don t agree (unless you do) RCPA MCGGML 161118 31
Fly Like An Eagle Some people in our lives are simply not worth wrangling with. Your time is valuable, so unless there s something important at stake, don t waste it by trying to change things. Benefits: More peace of mind. Reduce risk of friction. How Keep a healthy distance unless absolutely necessary. RCPA MCGGML 161118 32
Questions? RCPA MCGGML 161118 33