PAT H WAY S A Hospice Newsletter to Help with Grief January/February 2014 REINVENTING OUR LIVES AFTER LOSS by Judy Tatelbaum Loss leaves a hole in our lives. Everything changes: How we live, where we live, what we live with, what we do, and where we go may all be impacted. Our loss doesn t affect us just emotionally, which is hard enough to bear. It also affects our daily activities, routines, finances, living arrangements, and relationships with other people. It takes courage to rebuild our lives after the death of a loved one. Even though we know we must go on, we may find ourselves at a complete loss without the energy or motivation to even think about how to begin anew. Yet, eventually rebuilding or reinvesting in our lives is a necessary part of healing. It is not unusual then to need a counselor, therapist, support group, self-help books, or spiritual counsel to help us reinvent our lives. My client Susan, whose husband of 30 years died many months ago, is someone at a loss for reinventing her life. Her spouse was the center of her world. He took charge of many aspects of their lives, like driving and handling their finances. Her daughter is helping but eventually she will to learn to handle money and drive herself around. She has been staying in bed, watching television. Once a great cook, she is unwilling to cook for herself. All she wants to think about is the man she has lost. She is stuck. Continues on page 2 Ten Ways To Build Resilience In building anew, we always need a plan but the tasks of figuring out what we want, where to go, and how to accomplish it all may seem overwhelming. We will probably need to enlist help from family and friends, support groups for widows or parents who ve lost children, or from spiritual or psychological professionals. After a loved one dies, we may need to build a new life from scratch using this metaphor: We never build a physical structure without the help of an architect, contractor, carpenters, and many others. The same is true in rebuilding after a loss. It is too hard to do it alone. We need help with the design, the plans, the structure, choices, and the work itself. o make connections o avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems o accept that change is a part of living o move toward your goals o take decisive actions o look for opportunities for self-discovery o nurture a positive view of yourself o keep things in perspective o maintain a hopeful outlook o take care of yourself from The American Psychological Association brochure The Road to Resilience (www.apa.org) Page 1
REINVENTING OUR LIVES AFTER LOSS continued from page 1 Susan is at a crucial turning point in the grief process: the point at which she must begin to reinvent a satisfying life for herself. Like others facing a major loss, Susan needs to build structure and new activities into her days. Just as we don t build a building in a day, we don t rebuild our lives overnight. Each piece of wood, each nail we use, is a step toward creating a structure. Likewise, each step we take in healing ourselves after a loss helps us build a new life. These steps may first involve looking for possible help with our emotions so we can begin with the energy to move forward. Important, too, is taking care of our physical body; learning new tasks like handling a checkbook, driving a car, or cooking a meal; discovering possible social or volunteer activities to cut through loneliness; reading books that help us cope or learn something new; or, setting up a weekly lunch date with a friend. Any one change, any one additional activity, can be beginning of building a new life. GRIEF COUNSELING SUPPORT Professional bereavement counselors are available by appointment: Adults Children Families Call 634-2207 to request services. In contrast to Susan, other clients have found ways to reinvent their lives that involve moving in new directions. One client is traveling to places he never saw with his spouse. Another has joined a service organization so he can contribute to his community. One client is learning to play bridge, something her husband would never do. Another is volunteering to feed homeless people now that she isn t cooking for two. There are so many ways we can contribute to others or learn something new or reinvent how we live. To heal ourselves after a loss, the most important thing to do is to begin. Make one phone call. Go to one social event. Cook one meal. Eat one meal out alone. Answer one piece of mail. Move or change one thing in your home. As in building a physical structure, we can begin to heal ourselves by hammering one nail at a time. From October 2010 Journeys, a newsletter to help in bereavement and through all the tears and the sadness and the pain comes the one thought that can make me internally smile again: I have loved. from How to Survive the Loss of a Love NOTICE Hospice of Central New York does not discriminate on the basis of race, ethnicity, color, sexual orientation or religion. If you prefer not to receive Pathways, call 315-634-2207. Page 2
The Hospice Grief Center Hospice of Central New York provides support for Hospice families automatically for the first year following the death. Long ago, our Hospice decided to extend our program to the broader community. There is no charge for our services but we do appreciate donations. Who Are Your Listeners, Doers and Time-Offers? Kenneth Doka suggests these 5 steps to people in grief. 1. Make a list of people you count on among your family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, within your clubs and faith communities. 2. Put a D next to the doers. The doers are people we count on to do practical things. We depend on them to offer us a lift, collect our mail, or help whenever needed. 3. L is for listeners. These are friends who we can call when we are feeling down. They are honored to listen no matter what time we call or how busy they might be. 4. The third category is T-O, for the respite people in our life (the time-offers). These people help us take time off from our grief to relax. We can go to a movie or enjoy dinner knowing that they will not ask how we are feeling. 5. Ask people for the type of support they are good at providing. A doer may be uncomfortable listening, for example. Help people help you by using their strengths. You both will be glad you did. Adapted from Kenneth J. Doka s Getting Support, with permission from Hospice Foundation of America Moving? Contact the Hospice Grief Center at 315-634-2207 with your new address. Page 3
ADULT GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP For those who have experienced the death of a loved one. Open to the community. Six Tuesday Evenings, January 7-February 11 5:30-6:45 Kathy Haley, LCSW-R# To register, call 634-2207 by January 2nd ADULT GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP For those who have experienced the death of a loved one. Open to the community. Six Friday Afternoons, January 10-February 14, 2-3:15 J. Kristian Best, PhD To register, call 634-2207 by January 6th Doors open at 5:15 and group starts at 5:30. Doors open at 1:45 and group starts at 2:00 HEALING WORDS Compiled by Kathy Haley, LCSW-R# Our joys and sorrows ripen on the same vine. American Proverb Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.in her book, My Grandfather s Blessings-Stories of Strength, Refuge and Belonging speaks of grief as an opportunity for spiritual growth. Spiritual awakening does not change life; it changes suffering. The loss is the same, only the meaning changes. The suffering may become less but the loss is forever. She encourages us to allow the pain to teach us. The pain will help us to love each other. Live in the mystery. Listen to the questions of our hearts. Our grief can transform us and grow our souls. There are always things to discover, to appreciate, to share and to be thankful for, even in our deepest grief. Under every grief and pine/ runs a joy with silken twine. Blake It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, for the most essential things are invisible to the eye. The Little Prince Antoine de Sainte Exupery Those we love remain with us for love itself lives on, and cherished memories never fade because a loved one s gone. Those we love can never be more than a thought apart, for as long as there is memory, they ll live on in the heart. Author Unknown Page 4
HEALING HEARTS KIDS AND TEENS CORNER The Myths and Facts of Grief and Children MYTH: Children Don t Grieve FACTS: 1. Children grieve all losses in spurts, several times a day 2. They re-grieve throughout all developmental stages 3. Often, children don t know they re grieving or understand their feelings MYTH: Children Experience Few Losses FACTS: 1. Children experiences losses on a daily basis: At School: Sports, Grades, Competitions, Self Esteem, Relationships At Home: Control, understanding, dysfunctional family losses 2. 1 of 7 loses a parent to death before age 10 Sometimes, well-meaning adults can minimize the depth or complexity of emotions that children of various ages can experience, especially when it comes to the death of a loved one. Grief is just as real for a child who is experiencing a loss as it is for the adult. Remember, loss teaches an important part of life with all life comes death. We cannot shelter our children from loss, as much as we would like. Instead, we can look upon the experience as a time to teach important lessons about life and death. Revised, Gray, T. (2006). The 3 Myths of Grief and Children. Psych Central. Amy VanDusen, LMSW HEALING HEARTS WORKSHOP For all ages Tuesday, February 4th 6 8:00 PM Amy VanDusen, LMSW Drawing comfort from our memories through activities, crafts and fellowship. Doors open at 5:45 Register by calling 634-2207 by January 28th HELP FOR NEW GRIEF Monday, February 10 6:00-7:00 Pat Moriarty, MA, FT Information about grief and the services of The Hospice Grief Center Open to the community No registration Doors open at 5:45 and group starts at 6. Page 5
Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North Street Liverpool, NY 13088 Non-Profit Org. US Postage Paid Permit No. 24 Syracuse, NY Location of the Hospice of Central New York Grief Center Calendar of Events Adult Grief Support Group (eves) January 7- February 11 Adult Grief Support Group (days) January 10- February 14 Healing Hearts Workshop February 4 Help for New Grief February 10 Help for Grieving Parents Begins March 4 Call 315-634-2207 for further information. All events are held at Hospice of CNY (fully accessible). To check on cancellations due to weather or emergency, call 634-1113 x 307 two hours prior to the event. Page 6