Conflict Management & Problem Solving

Conflict Management & Problem Solving

Ground Rules S L O W down the conversation Put your thinking on the table, not your finished thought Stay open to influence be willing to move your stake Listen in order to understand, not in order to debate listening doesn t mean waiting to talk Have the discussions in the meeting, not outside the meeting Focus on interests, not positions 2

Conflict Resolution Checklist 1. Step Back and slow down Most of us repeat crippling behaviors in conflict because we are not really aware of what we are doing We can only change habits through awareness Plan what you want to say to avoid saying something that will escalate things 2. Listen first to understand Ask questions to explore their story If others feel listened to they are more likely to try to understand you Leverage for change comes from understanding, not from convincing them you are right It is rare for people to feel truly listened to and still experience the conflict as negative In addition to focusing on techniques of listening (inquiry, paraphrasing and acknowledgement), work on mindsets of being interested and focused. 3. Own your assumptions The Ladder of Inferences Be willing to let go of your attachment to your interpretation of something. Believing that our beliefs and conclusions about others are the truth creates a lot of conflict. Share with others what you see as the raw data and how you interpret it (your thought process). Walk yourself and others down the ladder of inferences. Think both/and and not either/or. Be aware of multiple realities. 4. Be aware of how your own identity might make you more defensive Avoid an all or nothing, black and white view of yourself. In this way you will become more open to negative feedback. 3

Conflict Resolution Checklist 5. Identify, acknowledge, and discuss strong feelings (yours and theirs) without blame. Strong feelings make it impossible for us to really listen well Unstated feelings usually leak into the conversation even when we try to hide them Use I-statements, being sure to state a feeling (as opposed to a judging statement) after saying I feel and to carefully describe the others behavior without adding evaluations to it Be clear that your feelings are about you and that you are responsible for them 6. Be clear about your intentions and goals for the conversation. If your most important goal is to win, blame, or to change them, no matter what skills you use, the conflict will probably escalate When your intention is to blame or change others, they usually become defensive and you don t learn anything new to prevent the problem from repeating itself Try to negotiate with your intentions to find one that both you and they will support. Strengthening the relationship or reducing tension might be examples of intentions that would be mutually supported. 7. Separate Intentions from Impact Most of us judge others by the impact they have on us but we judge ourselves by our intentions regardless of the impact we have. If we hurt someone unintentionally it will still help to acknowledge the unintentional impact. Just because we are hurt does not mean someone intended to hurt us. 8. Find Common Ground Be sure to note areas of agreement as well as areas of disagreement Without naming some area of agreement others are more likely to become defensive 4

Conflict Resolution Checklist 9. Explore what is most important to them (by listening and asking questions of curiosity) People do not enter a conflict by stating what is most important to them You can only problem solve if you know what they really want People usually enter a conflict with one solution (theirs) to a problem 10. Let go of the myths of conflict (from Thomas Crum, The Magic of Conflict) Conflict is a contest Conflict is negative 11. Remember the three principals of the Aiki approach to conflict Acknowledge the conflict If you resist, they will push even harder Acknowledgement does not mean to agree Embrace the conflict Be willing to change 12. When initiating a conversation about a conflict: Ask the other party if they are willing to have a conversation Tell them your hope for the conversation (making sure it is mutually acceptable) Allow them to save face Be open to learning new information Find a private place Do all of points 1 11. 5

The Seen and Unseen 6

Listening For Content Feelings Interests Common Ground Possibilities Body Language Trust My Biases 7

Positions, Interests And Issues POSITIONS: The presenting solution Demands, threats, fixed solutions What the parties say has to happen Can provoke an adversarial interaction Try not to begin by negotiating positions INTERESTS: The underlying and often unstated goal of the negotiation The motive behind the position What really matters to the person One learns interests by asking why to the positions Can provoke a problem-solving approach Can be emotional needs as well as physical or psychological needs Are future oriented All good negotiated settlements must address at least one interest 8

Positions and Interests Worksheet Position Interest Pat is asking the company to pay for evening and weekend daycare expenses. She made this a condition of accepting the promotion. The company should not be allowed to renege on its promises. Zach insists that they cannot pay because it is against the company policy of no perks. The VP never made any such promise. If Pat can t hack this promotion she should go back to her old job. Russell says he will resign from the committee unless Walter apologizes for the untrue and nasty comments he made about Russell to key members of the school board. Walter counters that Russell is highhandedly excluding him from financial decisions and botching those decisions besides. Russell should resign. Walter says he isn t sorry and he won t apologize till hell freezes over. 9

Positions and Interests Worksheet Position Interest Neighbors demand that a nearby movie theater control the teenaged crowds that gather there. They also want patrons to park at night in the shopping center lot across the street instead of in front of their houses and blocking their driveways. The theater owners say the town should be grateful that they keep the teenagers safely entertained. Unfortunately, they can t control their patrons once they leave the premises. The shopping center charges much higher access fees than the theater can afford. If neighbor harassment of them and their patrons doesn t stop, they will go to court. 10

Defining the Problem Win/win problem frames incorporate the following guidelines: They are neutral and thus ignore inflammatory language They move the parties from a focus on past blame to one based on future problem solving They work with any common ground the parties might have They do more than just paraphrase. They actually change what they parties say from a positional statement (their solution to a problem) to an interest based problem. 11

Ladder of Inference I take Actions based on my beliefs I adopt Beliefs about the world Reflexive Loop Our beliefs affect what data we select next time I draw Conclusions I make Assumptions based on the meanings I added I add Meanings (cultural and personal) I select Data From what I observe Observable data and experiences (as videotape recorder might capture it) 12

I Statements A Communication Tool The format: When (describe the person s behavior) I feel (describe your own feelings using feeling words) I would like (request something from the other person) Where things go wrong: 1. Often descriptions of the other person s behavior are really evaluations or subjective judgments about them. For example, When you leave the kitchen a mess... is an evaluation. But, When you don t wash your breakfast dishes... is an observation. When you dominate the meetings, is an evaluation, but When you speak 80 percent of the time, is an observation. 2. We often don t express a feeling after we say I feel. For example, I feel this is stupid, or I feel like you don t care, or even I feel you lack some skills to do the job are not feeling statements. Other judgments we might confuse with emotions are: I feel betrayed, or I feel misunderstood. Saying I feel betrayed is really saying, You betrayed me. The feeling underneath this statement might be anger, or hurt. 3. When I use I statements the focus is on my feelings. I own that it is my problem. No one can make me feel anything. By accepting that my feelings are my own problem, I make it less likely that others will become defensive. If I am bothered it is my problem. If you are bothered, it is your problem. If we care about each other s feelings it is our problem. 4. Effective use of I statements assumes the other party cares about our feelings both in general and at this moment in time. If they are feeling stronger feelings than we are they may not be able to listen to our feelings at this moment. If that is the case acknowledging their feelings will be more effective than stating your feelings. 13

Planning the Discussion (Continued) Conflict resolution is hard! Planning often makes the process both smoother and more productive. Thinking about the recent uncomfortable conflict that you identified earlier, write down what you might say for each of the steps below. Writing out your approach will help you focus on the situation and issues rather than your feelings about the others involved. Make sure everyone is committed to solving the problem! Agree on what the problem is! State each party s stake in finding a solution Every person explains the problem in their own terms and how it impacts them. Before the next person has a turn, someone must paraphrase what the other party has just stated. Expressions of feelings are appropriate here. No interruptions! Asking for clarification is acceptable. Listen to and respect the other person s viewpoint. Allow individuals to save face. (Respect) Start a new level of interaction, expectations and limits. State your vision for going forward. State your personal boundaries. Agree, commit and follow up on some future action. 14