PARENTING ADHD CHEAT SHEET TIPS AND STRATEGIES TO TAME THE CHAOS OF LIFE WITH ADHD ParentingADHDandAutism.com
INTRODUCTION Feeling overwhelmed? Helpless? Hopeless? I know the feeling. Really, I do! I ve been there. Sometimes I re-visit there. The constant calls from school. The chaos in the family. Wondering why you had to raise a wild child. The desperate, never-ending search for answers... for a fix. Yep. I ve been through all of that trying to figure out how to parent my own son. You see, I m experiencing a similar special parenthood, too. Nearly a decade ago, I walked into a behavioral MD s office behind my bouncing little boy, hoping to find out why this super-smart kid couldn t suceed in school. I dashed out, holding back tears, diagnosis of ADHD and three or four fact sheets in hand. What now? I thought. I had no idea. I obsessed over ADHD and it still took me more than two years to gain some semblance of an understanding of how to effectively raise a child with ADHD. I figured it out though, and so will you. Use this cheat sheet to get started. You can do this.
THE CHEAT SHEET Step 1 Get Over It Let s face it. You weren t expecting ADHD. No one does. It comes at you suddenly, from behind, and with great force. It s more than being blindsided; it s like falling out of the boat, without a lifejacket, and without knowing how to swim. It s unexpected and terrifying. So what do you do when you re not expecting ADHD? Feel sorry for yourself, your child, and your family it s natural. Take some time to wallow in the fact that your in-utero plans for your child s future have possibly changed altogether. I know that s not the advice you expected, but you have to acknowledge and validate those feelings so you can move beyond the shock and grief and eventually reach a good place. Step 2 Assemble Your Team Everyone in our children s lives is an influence on who they become in one way or another. That s especially true for children with ADHD, autism, or other developmental disorders. Start with the village that influences all kids: doctors, school teachers, coaches, art/dance/karate instructors, etc. Make sure they know and understand as much of your child s special needs as is relevant. Then add in those specific to your child s special needs: occupational therapists, counselors/ psychotherapists, school counselors/ psychologists, school special education/ atrisk/ 504 committee members, school administration, ADHD specialists (in addition to the pediatrician), an ADHD coach, nutritionists maybe, etc. Knowledge, compassion, and understanding from all of these individuals is required to fulfill and nurture our children.
THE CHEAT SHEET Step 3 Create Structure Children with ADHD do not have intrinsic planning and organization skills that most individuals do. Therefore, they are less able to create their own structure than their neurotypical peers. Creating structure in the world around them, external structure, helps to fill this gap. A routine and predictable schedule pre-defines expectations and provides a sense of security. Since a child with ADHD likely doesn t have much of an innate sense for organization, they must observe and experience organization to learn this skill. This is best accomplished by creating a structured (organized) environment for them. Step 4 Get to Know Your Child Yes, you know your child. Now you must get to know them in a meaningful way as it relates to their ADHD, and other challenges. It is vital to your child s future and your parenting success to uncover their triggers, strengths and weaknesses, sensory sensitivities, other co-occurring conditions, and more. You will get to know your child with ADHD on a deeper level than most parents know their children, and there are some key strategies to doing so. First, determine your child s developmental age and reference it as your new yard stick when defining expectations and creating routines. Secondly, you know your child s likes and dislikes, and his favorite foods. Now it s time to learn why he always has a meltdown at the grocery store, what motivates him to do his homework, or why he has a fit every morning when it s time to put on his shoes.
THE CHEAT SHEET Step 5 Make a Plan Use all that you ve discovered about your child s complexities in Step 4 to formulate a plan for positive change. Parents of children with ADHD must adjust their expectations and reframe their perspective to measure their child by a different yard stick, not the standard measurement guide meant for neurotypical kids. Reference your list of triggers to intervene when times get rough and utilize your newfound knowledge of who your child truly is to appropriately shape their future. Assemble all of this information now to create your plan to change behavior and improve life for them, and the whole family. Step 6 Implement the Plan Before you can reach a better place living with ADHD, you have to rebuild your child s foundation. Children with ADHD usually have low self-esteem they are very aware that they can t always keep up with their peers in the classroom and on the playground. That chips away a bit at a time and compounds to create very low self-esteem and a faulty foundation. As you implement your plan to improve your child s behavior and ADHD symptoms, be sure to rebuild their self-esteem and self-confidence by: explaining his ADHD so he knows the reson for his struggles isn t stupidity or being a bad kid; praising often and every day; discovering and nurturing interests; and making them feel special often.
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THE CHEAT SHEET Step 7 Get a Handle on ADHD at School Think of accommodations and services as external scaffolding to hold your child up to the level they can learn. There is no formula to educate a child with ADHD, especially when you layer in other conditions that commonly occur with ADHD. That creates a very distinctive set of needs and the student s education must be tailored accordingly to their individual needs. To advocate for your child s special needs in their educational environment and open the door to potential academic success: communicate with educators about your child s special needs; request an evaluation if you have concerns about your child s ability to learn; learn all you can about IDEA and 504 laws. Step 8 Get a Handle on ADHD at Home A positive home environment is just as important as a positive school experience for our kids. Use all the tools in your ADHD toolbox to create a beneficial home life, too. The #1 rule of parenting a child with ADHD is to remain calm. Simply making a concerted effort to always remain calm with your child with ADHD will cause a dramatic shift in your family dynamic, and your relationship with your child. There are many more strategies to implement at home when parenting a child with ADHD, but this one is by far the most effective overall.
THE CHEAT SHEET Step 9 Start enjoying your child My child, who happens to have ADHD and learning disabilities, is smart, kind-hearted, gifted, funny, handsome, a whiz with electronics, great at math and science, a loyal friend, and so much more. He is a great kid who happens to also struggle with ADHD. It s not accurate to say my child is ADHD or I have an ADHD child. My child isn t ADHD and I m certain the same is true for your child. ADHD doesn t define who an individual is it is only one part, and a small part of all that defines them. Does it feel like ADHD defines my son at times? Yes! Sure it does. I d be kidding myself if I didn t acknowledge that. But there is so much more that makes up every child who has ADHD. Just by carefully choosing your words and the order of their phrasing, you can reduce your child s sense that they are defined by their ADHD. It s a simple change, but its effects are huge. List all the positive qualities of your child. Make a conscious effort to focus on these traits often. Reframing your thoughts is a powerful tool you ll find that you focus on the ADHD less and less as time goes by. That, in and of itself, is a magnificent gift. You now have a list of all the wonderfulness that is your child, who happens to also have ADHD. You ve decided to stop trying to fix their ADHD and focus your energy on their positive traits instead. These are giant steps in and of themselves. Now it s time to use that knowledge to create a happier and healthier child by nurturing their gifts. Make opportunities available in the areas of your child s interest. Don t be afraid of failure. It s hard to find a good fit for our kids sometimes, but the only way to know if it will work out or not is to try. If they are interested in something, give it a go.
BOTTOM LINE: Discover your child s weaknesses and strengths, and implement a positive, educated approach.
This CHEAT SHEET barely scratches the surface. I ve been obessively researching, writing about, and living raising a child with ADHD for nearly a decade now. I ve collected a lot of information. Why should other parents spend 2+ years learning the hard way, like I had to? I figured, why not contribute all my information and experiences to the greater good? That s how my books and the Parenting ADHD & Autism website were born. And that s why I developed online parenting classes and started coaching parents of kids with ADHD, too.
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