Finding Common Ground: Customer Service, Communication & Conflict Presented by: Susan K. Adams N.C. Office of State Human Resources
Objectives Assess your own communication & conflict styles and recognize how this can be perceived by customers; Understand where negativity and defensiveness comes from and how this influences the customer s behavior; Be able to respond to negative behavior and anger with specific skills and techniques to minimize negative consequences.
Communication & Conflict Styles
Concern for Others H Lose Win Accommodate Compromise Passive Style Win - Win Collaboration Assertive Style Lose Lose No Deal Avoidance Passive-Aggressive Style Win - Lose Competition Aggressive Style L Concern for Self H Adapted in part from the conflict models of Covey (1), and Thomas & Kilmann (2).
PASSIVE Communication You Win! And I Lose!
Passive Communication Strategies Placing another s needs before your own Denying one s own needs Placing harmony over the issues Giving in or giving up
Passive Communication Disadvantages Requires a party to give something up Lost ability to influence the situation / relationship Issues likely to remain unresolved Does not generate creative solutions Leads to frustration, resentment and damaged relationships Can foster competition (win-lose)
Passive Communication Practice When You could be wrong To keep harmony in the relationship The relationship is more important than the issue Losses can be minimized by compromising A party needs to save face To bargain for leverage (compromise)
Perceptions of Passive Weak Insecure Low Self-Esteem Pushover Whiney, Moody Playing the Victim
AGGRESSIVE Communication I Win! And You Lose!
Aggressive Communication Strategies Command & control Verbal arguments Critique, belittle, hostile remarks Denies own responsibility Escalation Threats (punishment) and coercion (reward)
Aggressive Communication Disadvantages Requires losers Strains and damages relationships Less likely to use or value constructive approaches Leads to stalemate / impasse (lose-lose) Leads to resentment, desire for revenge and passive-aggressive actions in others
Aggressive Communication Practice When Immediate and decisive action is necessary With issues of safety and legality There is no relationship of value The issue is more important than the relationship The outcome (what is at stake) is important Need to prove strength or commitment
Perceptions of Aggressive Surly, Cold Intimidating Hostile, Mean Militant Bully, Tyrant Controlling
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE Communication We Both Lose!
Passive-Aggressive Communication Strategies Blame, denial, evasive maneuvers Veiled hostility, insincerity Deliberate and repeated failure to comply Intentional inefficiency & procrastination Opposition, obstruction, resistance Sabotage, manipulation
Passive-Aggressive Communication Disadvantages Issues unlikely to be resolved Stifles creativity, energy, morale Generates frustration, confusion and increased conflict May result in others giving up (lose-win) Damages trust in relationships Leads to exclusion, hostility, aggression towards the individual
Passive-Aggressive Communication Coping Response Practiced When One is dealing with an aggressive communicator One has insufficient power to disagree with demands In defiance of absolute authority When the risk associated with open communication is high
Perceptions of Passive-Aggressive Insincere, phony Petty, catty, negative Sullen, resentful Oppositional Obstructionist Backstabber, liar Manipulative, devious, destructive
ASSERTIVE Communication I Win! And You Win!
Assertive Communication Strategies Friendly and positive demeanor Listens to another perspective Seeks input into solutions Accepts responsibility for own actions / feelings Openly and honestly expresses own needs Seeks dialogue rather than debate
Assertive Communication Disadvantages Takes more time and energy Collaboration may be seen as a weakness to an aggressive party Requires at least one party to be an effective communicator to model the process Requires both parties to be committed to the process May require a third party to facilitate
Assertive Communication Practice When The relationship is important A mutually satisfying outcome is desirable Both views are too important to compromise Underlying issues need to be addressed New and creative solutions are desired Potentially destructive conflict needs to be prevented
Perceptions of Assertive Respectful Reasonable, Fair Friendly, Likeable Self-Confident Sincere, Honest Secure, Stable Straightforward
25 Conflict with the Customer
When the Difficult Customer is YOU! Recall a time when YOU were a difficult customer. What were your expectations as a customer? Did anything increase your frustration? Any outside issues contributing to the problem?
The Difficult Customer Formula Disrespect Fail to Listen Embarrass Ignore Treat Rudely Unclear Expectations Miscommunication Control the Outcome Stress
Maslow s Hierarchy of Needs Abraham Maslow 1943 "A Theory of Human Motivation"
The Games People Play Parent state Rules, regulations, must do s & threats Child state Emotional, irrational, name calling, swearing or passive avoidance Adult state Calm, logical, thinks things through Eric Berne (3), 1964. Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships
Conflict Is A perceived threat to needs Triggering Event Meaningful An assumption of incompatibility Accompanied by significant levels of misunderstanding
Defensiveness A natural reaction to feeling attacked or threatened An attempt to protect our self May occur even when there is no threat or attack
Beneath the Water Line Fear Lack of Competence Lack of Confidence Guilt Shame Low Self-Esteem Helplessness Cynicism Embarrassment
PIN Model Line of Resistance Positions What we say we want Interests What we really want and how we really feel Needs What we must have What People Tell Us What We Need to Find Out
Positions v. Interests Position Non-negotiable Judgment or demand Narrowly defined Win-Lose Perceived as incompatible with other party s goal Interest A goal, concern or need Room to negotiate Broadly defined Win-Win Underlies positions
Communication Skills & Strategies 35
Customer Service Basics Personal Friendliness Job Knowledge
What Customers Expect To feel Welcome To be Listened to To have their Needs Responded to To be Respected
How Do You Make Someone Feel Welcome? 38
Delivering Your Message 60% Body Language 30% Tone 10% Words
Listen! Listening looks easy, but it s not simple. Every head is a world. ~ Cuban Proverb
Listening Is Key- Are You Listening? Preoccupation Personal bias Reactive listening Distractions
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Active Listening Look at the person Give them your full attention Reduce distractions, internal & external Be quiet Ask questions Show that you understand by paraphrasing
Listening is a magnetic and strange thing; a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. ~Karl Menninger, American Psychiatrist & co-founder of the Menninger Foundation
Paraphrasing Demonstrating that you understand what the other person is feeling and why they feel this way Some translation may be required
So, what I hear you saying is If I understand you correctly, you are Correct me if I m wrong, Are you saying that? It is important to you that It must have been difficult for you to You feel strongly that It sounds like you are worried that.
Listening to Understand Increases trust Clarifies the details Reduces defensiveness Makes people feel valued Allows us to hear one another Makes the speaker more accountable Focuses on the problem, not personalities Models effective two-way communication
Types of Questions Open-Ended to expand, build relationships Close-Ended to focus, make progress Minimal Encouragers to support
Asking Good Questions What has been your experience with this? How does that affect you? What does that mean to you? What gave you that impression? What concerns do you have? What would you like to see happen? Help me understand Tell me more about
Conflict Pitfalls Getting carried away with emotions Taking things personally Adopting a parental position Aiming for a quick right answer Getting stuck on positions Creating a win lose situation
Tips for Resolving Conflict Recognize and disengage from your own defensive response Separate the issue from the emotions Put yourself in their shoes: what might their interests and needs be? Identify and prioritize your needs and interests too Make suggestions, not demands Be tough on problems, gentle on people Demonstrate integrity and professionalism
References & Resources 1. Covey, Stephen. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Free Press, New York, NY., 1989, 2004. 2. Thomas, Kenneth W. & Kilmann, Ralph H. Thomas- Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. CPP, Inc. Palo Alto, CA., 1974, 2002. 3. Berne, Eric. Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. Grove Press,1964. 4. Fisher, Roger & Ury, William. Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement without Giving In. New York: Penguin Books, 1981, 1991.