ASSERTIVE AND CO-OPERATIVE BEHAVIOUR

ASSERTIVE AND CO-OPERATIVE BEHAVIOUR The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument presented in the Coach Workbook offers five different approaches to managing conflict: competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding, and accommodating. These five approaches are based on a combination of two behaviours: Assertive behaviour: the extent to which you attempt to satisfy your own interests and needs Co-operative behaviour: the extent to which you attempt to satisfy the interests and needs of others Both behaviours are present to a greater or lesser degree in each of five approaches to managing conflict. Each approach is assigned a descriptive name. High Assertive Behaviour Competing Collaborating Compromising Avoiding Accommodating Low Low Co-operative Behaviour High Competing is assertive and unco-operative You pursue your concerns at the other person's expense. This is a power-oriented approach in which you use whatever power seems appropriate to win your own position your ability to argue, your position, or ability to reward or punish. Competing means standing up for your rights, defending a position you believe is correct, or simply trying to win. Accommodating is unassertive and co-operative This is the complete opposite of competing. You neglect your own concerns to satisfy the concerns of the other person. Accommodating may take the form of selfless generosity or charity, complying with another person's instructions when you would prefer not to, or yielding to another's point of view. Avoiding is unassertive and unco-operative You neither pursue your own concerns nor those of the other person. You do not deal with the conflict. Avoiding may take the form of diplomatically side-stepping an issue, postponing an issue until a better time, or simply withdrawing from a threatening situation. Collaborating is both assertive and co-operative It is the opposite of avoiding. You work with others to find a solution that fully satisfies your and others concerns. It means digging into an issue to pinpoint the underlying needs and wants of Page 12 Version 0.3, 2008 Coaching Association of Canada

all parties. Collaborating may take the form of exploring a disagreement to learn one another's insights or trying to find a creative solution to an interpersonal problem. Compromising is moderate in both assertiveness and co-operation You seek an expedient, mutually acceptable solution that partially satisfies both parties. It falls midway between competing and accommodating. Compromising gives up more than competing but less than accommodating. It addresses an issue more directly than avoiding but does not explore it in as much depth as collaborating. Compromising may mean splitting the difference between the two positions, exchanging concessions, or seeking a quick middle-ground solution. Version 0.3, 2008 Coaching Association of Canada Page 13

FIVE APPROACHES TO MANAGING CONFLICT Approach Characteristic Behaviours Appropriate Use If you score high If you score low Avoiding Leave well enough alone. Accommodating Kill them with kindness Cautiously withdraws from conflict. Wishes to avoid hurting others feelings. Withholds contributions to decision-making. Sees no adverse consequences to avoiding conflict. Low commitment to outcome and poor implementation of decisions. Places higher emphasis on harmony and goodwill than winning. Speaks in a way that is not heard by others. Gives in to others needs and interests. Admits errors. Good judge of when to make exceptions to rules and policies. The issue is unrelated to key issues, e.g., the videos to rent for the bus trip to the competition. Winning is impossible. You disagree with the official; you ve pushed the point but further action will not change her mind. Emotions are high. The team has just lost an important game and one of the parents is upset with you. You need more information. A peaceable solution now will pave the way for future gains. If you leave the gym now, you can return to negotiate a better practice schedule. You realize the other side s approach has more merit than yours. Others care more about the solution than you do. The other side has more authority and is willing to use it. You may frustrate others because they have trouble getting your input on issues. People expend a great deal of energy avoiding issues and walking on eggshells around you. Decisions are made by default. You defer too often to others concerns, losing influence and recognition. This deprives your athletes or club/team of your potential contributions. Discipline may be lax. Tough decisions are avoided there is value in rules, procedures, assignments, and deadlines that must be adhered to. It erodes self-respect. You may hurt others feelings or stir up hostilities. Exercise more discretion in confronting issues or more tact in framing issues in non-threatening ways. Spend more time setting priorities decide which issues are relatively unimportant and consider delegating them to others. You may have trouble building goodwill with others. Others often regard you as unreasonable. You have trouble admitting you are wrong. You do not recognize legitimate exceptions to the rules. You don t know when to give up. Page 14 Version 0.3, 2008 Coaching Association of Canada

Approach Characteristic Behaviours Appropriate Use If you score high If you score low Compromising Let s split the difference Competing Might is right Accepts outcomes will be partially satisfying for all but not fully satisfying to anyone. Practises give and take. Takes firm stands. Able and willing to use power and authority. Regards giving in as a sign of weakness. Closed to feedback or new information. Openly expresses frustration and gives feedback to others, whether asked for or not. Outcomes are important but the cost of continuing the conflict is too high. You may compromise team cohesion. Going around in circles with others of equal authority and equally strong commitment to mutually exclusive goals. Deadline is pressing. Collaborating and competing have failed to resolve conflict. An emergency or crisis. E.g., the safety of your athletes is at risk. Decision will be unpopular, e.g., the need to cut a veteran player. You are convinced you are correct about a key issue, e.g., selection of an assistant coach Opponent would take advantage of a more cooperative approach. You can create a cynical climate of gamesmanship, undermine trust, and deflect attention from the merits of the issue in dispute. You lose sight of what it would be like to meet all needs. You get caught up in tactics, not outcomes, and lose sight of values, long-term goals, and the team s or athlete s welfare. Because you intimidate others, you find yourself surrounded by yes people and closed off from information because others have learned it is unwise to disagree with you or have given up trying to influence you. Others are less likely to ask you for information or admit their uncertainties and, in turn, are less likely to learn. You may be too sensitive or embarrassed to be effective in bargaining situations. You find it hard to make concessions and may have trouble getting out of mutually destructive arguments or power struggles gracefully. You feel powerless or restrict your influence because you are unaware of the power you have, unskilled in its use, or uncomfortable about using it. You have trouble taking a firm stand even when you see the need. Over-concern for others feelings or anxieties about the use of power may lead us to vacillate, postpone a decision, and increase others suffering or resentment. Version 0.3, 2008 Coaching Association of Canada Page 15

Managi ng Conflict: Approaches to Managing Conflict Approach Characteristic Behaviours Appropriate Use If you score high If you score low Collaborating Two heads are better than one. Open to the positive possibilities conflict creates. Communicates assertively listens with skill and speaks for self. Searches for creative options for resolving conflict. You and others share a commitment to a longterm relationship. E.g., you and the other coaches want to do well at the Canada Games and have the next two years to work together. Time is available to find a consensus solution. E.g., it is early in the season and conflict about team norms has just come up. You and others have communication and facilitation skills. You may use valuable time and energy to solve trivial problems that don t require collaboration or to resolve personal differences that don t need to be worked out. Others may take advantage of your trust and openness. It is hard to see differences as opportunities for joint gain or as opportunities to learn and solve problems. Your pessimism can prevent you from seeing collaborative possibilities and deprive you of the mutual gain and satisfaction that accompany successful collaboration. Others are not committed to decisions or policies where their concerns are not incorporated. Page 16 Version 0.3, 2008 Coaching Association of Canada

PERSONAL BALANCE IN CONFLICT The starting point in your quest to become better at dealing with conflict is to learn about yourself: the way you react to conflict, your strengths and weaknesses, the skills you have, and those you need to develop. It is important to accept that when you are working in situations of conflict, you are the only person you can control or change. You want to act from a point of balance so that your actions result in a positive resolution of conflict. Being in balance requires that you are clear about your coaching values and goals. You are in touch with who you are and what is important to you as a coach. This allows you to resolve conflicts by balancing your needs and interests while respecting others needs and interests. I Working with conflict would be easy if you could always stay in a place of balance. When you back off, you lose your balance. When you withdraw, you choose actions that are easier for you but not necessarily in the best interests of you or your athletes. You let others win. Sometimes withdrawing is appropriate, but if you use it on a consistent basis, it erodes your self-confidence and others respect for and confidence in you. You withdraw Others needs and interests You lose it Your needs and interests I I Sometimes you can be so angry that you lose your ability to think or act logically. You become intent on winning by getting even, proving your point, issuing ultimatums, or quitting the scene. There are times when looking after your interests first is appropriate. Overuse of this approach, however, ultimately leads others to be intimidated or lose respect, and it may encourage them to sabotage your efforts in an attempt to retaliate. Version 0.3, 2008 Coaching Association of Canada Page 17

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION The key to communicating effectively in conflict lies in your ability to listen, tell, and ask questions in an assertive fashion. The word assertive is often misunderstood and sometimes misinterpreted. Assertiveness is not about getting your own way, using tricks or techniques in difficult situations, or manipulating others so that your point of view wins out. Assertiveness is based on a philosophy of personal responsibility and an awareness of the rights of other people. Here are some characteristics of coaches who are assertive communicators: 3 The coach believes that he or she has the right to say what he or she needs, wants, or wishes to participants, parents, officials, organizers, and administrators. When there is conflict or disagreement, the coach assumes that those involved are also interested in finding a way to resolve the problem. The coach states in a straightforward way when he or she is angry or upset with the situation or someone s actions. The coach focuses on the issues involved in the conflict, not the personalities of those involved. The coach believes he or she is an expert on how he or she feels and believes other people know how they feel. The coach is accustomed to others respecting him or her. The coach allows sufficient time for others with whom he or she has a problem to talk about their feelings and perspective and encourages them to do so, even if the person is hostile. The coach believes that communicating and acting assertively in a consistent fashion establishes him or her as being worthy of others trust and respect. The coach believes that actions and gestures, like words, express their assertiveness. 3 Adapted from Successful Team Building, by Thomas L. Quick. AMACOM. 1992. Page 18 Version 0.3, 2008 Coaching Association of Canada

LISTENING EFFECTIVELY IN CONFLICT When you listen 4 Restate and rephrase what you hear. It is helpful during conflict to do everything you can to understand other people. Sometimes this is hard work because you strongly disagree with their perspective or point of view. Nevertheless, listen so you understand. Check with the other person that you can accurately explain what you hear. Don t assume you know what someone is trying to say. Think before you react. Silence can be a powerful communication tool. Sometimes it prompts the other person to continue; sometimes it helps make the point that you really are listening. If you experience a strong emotional response to what is being said, silence can help you stay centred and keep your cool. Acknowledge that others may be right; this can help you avoid getting stuck in a circular argument. Don t use this technique to manipulate the conversation. Look for aspects of others point of view that indeed might be right. Avoid using your listening time to interpret why others feel or think the way they do or what is motivating their actions. Leave interpretation and analysis to psychiatrists and therapists. As a coach, you need to deal with others behaviours, actions, and feelings. Pay attention to body language and voice tone that give you clues about the message someone is trying to communicate. Acknowledge others feelings in a straightforward manner. You seem frustrated by this delay in naming the team or I can see why you re angry about the schedule. Pay attention to questions that are really statements. When someone says, Don t you agree that your actions will hurt the club s reputation?, he or she is making a statement, not asking a question. Don t get suckered into answering the question. You can respond by stating that the question sounds more like a statement or ask if he or she is trying to tell you something, It sounds as if you re trying to tell me you think I hurt the club s reputation. Is that so? 4 Adapted from Marc Robert. Managing Conflict: From the Inside Out. San Diego: Pfeiffer & Company. 1982 76-87. Version 0.3, 2008 Coaching Association of Canada Page 19