EMPATHY IN THE WORKPLACE Presented by: Joe Brummer Community Mediation, Inc.
WHAT IS EMPATHY? The ability to: 1.) recognize and understand another s emotions without feeling those emotions yourself (known Affective Empathy) 2.) the ability to take another s perspective and see the world from their shoes (known as Theory of Mind or Cognitive Empathy)
HOW DOES EMPATHY WORK? Mirror Neurons Oxytocin Other
WHY EMPATHY? Increased job satisfaction increased productivity clarity better designs and more creativity connection to your customer leadership
THE E TEST
Self-oriented E Other-oriented E The key is to strike a delicate balance between actionorientation and perspective-taking. It s not a matter of deciding between hitting your numbers or drawing the E. It s a matter of hitting your numbers by drawing the E. ~Daniel Pink: Drive, The Truth About What Motivates Us. SOURCE: KELLOGG SCHOOL OF MANAGEMENT
CONNECTION: The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. ~ Brene Brown, PhD, L.M.S.W. The Gifts of Imperfection
Needs Language: Source: W. Glasser, PhD
Integrated Clarity
THE FOUR D S OF DISCONNECTION Diagnosing: Telling people what they are rather than what we need. Deserve Language: Who is right, wrong, good, bad and who deserves to be rewarded or punished. Denying Choice/Responsibility: blaming others for our feelings, obscuring choice by saying, I had to or You have to inducing guilt and/or shame. Demanding: threatening, bribing, bullying inducing fear of punishment or promise of reward.
Words/Phrases that Disconnect: Ought Should HOWEVER BUT! With all due respect Have to MUST!! I am sorry to say...
WHAT IS NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION? Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is sometimes referred to as compassionate communication. Its purpose is to strengthen our ability to inspire compassion from others and to respond compassionately to others and to ourselves. NVC guides us to reframe how we express ourselves and hear others by focusing our consciousness on what we are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting.
The Four-Step Model of NVC Connection O Make clear Observations F true feelings N Express universal needs R Make actionable & present requests Fight, Flight, Freeze Make evaluations Share thoughts Give strategies Make Demands
SAYING IT WITH NVC: Honest expression Giving empathy Observation When I see Observation When you see Feeling I feel Feeling Are you feeling Need Because I need Need Because you Request Would you be willing to Request Would you like
THREE MODES OF LISTENING: 1) FIX IT! Approach Sounds like this Advising One upping Educating Consoling Story telling Shutting down Sympathizing Interrogating Explaining Correcting I think you should Why don t you That s nothing; wait till you hear what happened to me! You'll know better next time - What did you learn from that? - That s not a feeling. It wasn t your fault; you did the best you could. - Why would anyone do that to you? That reminds me of the time - I know what you mean, it s just like when Cheer up. Don t feel so bad. - On the bright side, you still have Oh, you poor thing That s horrible. When did this happen? Who was it? I would have called but That s not how it happened. You mean last week."
Three Modes of Listening: 2) Competition Approach Sounds like this Competition You re WRONG! and I am RIGHT and even if I am not right I am going to prove You are wrong anyway Revenge You don t know what you are talking about Does anyone have any intelligent questions I ll teach you to question my authority Silence to remain safe ***Crickets Chirping***
Three Modes of Listening: 3) Empathy Presence Needs Language (OFNR) Silent Empathy Understanding
PARA-PHRASING IN NVC Questions about: What others are observing How others are feeling and the needs generating their feelings What others are requesting Examples: Are you reacting to how many evenings I was gone last week? Are you feeling hurt because you would have liked more appreciation of your efforts than you received? Are you wanting me to tell you my reasons for saying
The Four Choices to Responding Fight or Flight Connection Blame others Blame self Hear my needs Connection with Other s Needs Fight Flight Honesty Empathy Power over Power under Power with Power with
Expressing/Receiving PRACTICING Gratitude Steps Observation Feelings Needs Components What were the actions that contributed to our well being? How did we feel about that? What needs were met by the action?
FINAL THOUGHTS: Start every meeting with a celebration (come from a place of gratitude and empathy. Practice circles when needed for support, design, innovation. Level out the power in your organization, team, and trade it for connection, remember authority vs. control vs. engagement. Hire your customers Humanize the workplace (Be Human: don t just jump to business, empathize first, business second) Include a check in and a check out