Self-Compassion: A Skill For Healing And Awakening. Transcending Emotions I December 8 th, 2017 Megan Bruneau M.A. RCC

Transcription

1 Self-Compassion: A Skill For Healing And Awakening Transcending Emotions I December 8 th, 2017 Megan Bruneau M.A. RCC

2 Just for a moment, let yourself be here. Let yourself stop becoming more, better, or different. You are not a walking mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. -Adyashanti

3 What We ll Learn Today: The value of emotion How shame and perfectionism are causing suffering in your life Where and why shame and your critical inner voice originated Why changing your relationship to yourself and your emotions through self-compassion will make you in control of your emotions, vs. your emotions being in control of you How to begin the transformation

4 A Snippet of Megan s Story Battled anxiety, depression, bulimia, and anorexia until age 25 Went into psychology with hopes of healing self Found self-compassion in 2010 during Masters internship Everything changed

5 Let s Get Into It!

6 Emotions Are Evolutionarily Adaptive Humans seek pleasure and avoid pain Emotions have kept us alive for hundreds of thousands of years Messengers that keep us safe, fed, procreating, able to sleep E.g. loneliness = Connect; anxiety = Watch out! or Prepare! ; anger = A boundary has been crossed! ; Guilt = You ve done something that threatens an attachment bond

7 Society Tells Us to Avoid Our Emotions Be Positive Be grateful! So many of us believe we are unlovable, broken, or not doing life right because we experience difficult feelings We value emotional > logical Men in particular socialized not to feel emotions We don t develop an emotional vocabulary As a result, we re reactive and create secondary emotions

8 What s At The Root of Most of Our Suffering: Perfectionism Fear of failure Fear of difficult feelings Self-worth dependent on outcomes and achievements Critical inner voice Unrealistically high, inflexible expectations

9 Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame. -Brene Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection) 9

10 Where Does Perfectionism Come From? Fueled by shame (usually attachment trauma): History of criticism (parents, bully, sibling, partner) History of perceived conditional love Didn t have permission to experience difficult emotions Emotional needs not met Experiencing uncomfortable emotion not helpful; shut self off from emotions through avoidance and numbing Belief that criticism is motivating Society/media/capitalism *At one point, perfectionism was adaptive

11 How Perfectionism Causes Us Pain And Suffering Never feel worthy or good enough Can t be with difficult feelings, and thus can t access our true needs Cope by avoiding, numbing, suppressing Depression because moments of self-worth are fleeting Anxiety because feels like we re walking on a tight-rope Eating disorders and substance use Career Stagnancy Interpersonal and relational conflict Keep us in rigid routine, afraid of change and uncertainty

12 The Alternative: Self-Compassion Treating yourself as you would a friend or loved one Realistically high, flexible expectations, alongside high support Emphasis on growth Empathy, tolerance, sympathy, patience, caring, unconditional love Like a good coach

13 Self-Compassion is Not: Believing you are better than others Believing you are perfect just the way you are Avoiding responsibility for your mistakes Letting go of standards, expectations, or goals (in fact, makes people more motivated and resilient to challenge) IS NOT: I am perfect. IS: I am an imperfect human being, like everyone else, and that s OK.

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15 Self-Compassion Fosters Growth 15

16 Self-Compassion Deconstructed Mindfulness Self-Kindness Common Humanity

17 Mindfulness Intentionally paying attention to current moment Thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, surroundings Curiosity > judgment Permission to be with our experience *Allows us to actually pay attention to the emotion(s) we seek to transcend, then either do what it tells us to turn it off, or make space for it until it passes and self-soothe

18 Impermanence One of the three markers of existence in Buddhism the idea that everything is in constant flux and thus we can t attach to anything Emotions are inherently transient (research suggests they last about 90 seconds) *Pause to check in with present emotions

19 What Feelings Do We Fear the Most?

20 Self-Kindness Saying what you would to a friend or loved one Empathy, sympathy, tolerance, patience, warmth, growthmindset, understanding Treating yourself like an imperfect, erring human - not a robot Cultivate compassionate image human, animal, god, nature Neutral vs. judgment-laden language Volunteer?

21 Changing Your Language Good/bad Right/wrong Fat/Thin Smart/Stupid Weird, lame, shitty, brutal vs. Serving/unserving Helpful/unhelpful Thoughtful/reactionary Interesting, curious, peculiar, different, difficult, challenging 21

22 Common Humanity Suffering unites us - Imperfection and pain are universal human experiences Media makes us believe life goes a certain way it doesn t Depending on your beliefs, we are all interconnected

23 Self-Compassion Formulas In response to a mistake: It s understandable that I feel because (situation). It s understandable that I (behavior) because I ( ). Something I did well in spite of the outcome was ( ), and something I learned from this experience that I can take forward is. Messing up is part of the common human experience, and there are millions of others out there right now sharing my feelings of. One day I might even see this as a good thing, because now I know/experienced/learned. 23

24 Self-Compassion Formulas Prior to being evaluated: It s understandable that I feel because (situation). My feelings are a testament to how much I care about. Given my experience and knowledge with this task, I can expect from myself. I hope to meet my expectations, but if I don t I will know what to change for next time. The worst-case scenario is. Realistically, I can probably prevent that from happening by but if it does happen I will. 24

25 Important to Keep in Mind Practice, practice, practice not just toward yourself, but toward others as well E.g. yoga, meditation, volunteering Be aware of self-criticism fostering environments Be kind to yourself for not being kind to yourself Every difficult emotion is an opportunity for learning REMEMBER: You always have the tool of self-criticism. 25

26 Self Compassion Meditation

27 A Little Bit on Gratitude There are children starving in Africa You re lucky you were born privileged/in Canada/to loving parents/etc. At least you HAVE a home. What do you feel? 27

28 Use Gratitude Wisely Perspective-taking without validating our experience can leave us feeling ashamed, invalidated, and alone. Ensure you include a validating empathy statement, and follow it with perspective taking that is not loaded (e.g. if a parent always told you there are children starving in Africa, don t use that one!) For me, I like to use able-bodiedness, privilege, and health. 28

29 We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy -Pema Chodron 29

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