Assertive Communications
Key Objectives Ø Understand Communications styles Passive/ Assertive/Aggressive Ø Neuroscience and Communications Ø Self Awareness Ø Explore how your attitudes and emotions support or hinder your effectiveness. Ø State Management Ø Learn effective techniques to communicate effectively Ø Build a Relationship Map
Challenges in Communications Voice not being heard Someone taking your ideas Interruptions Time Stealers
Awareness Model Aware Of Unaware Of Our Intention Our impact on others The impact of others behaviour on us Others intention
Communication Words we use 7% Tone of voice, style 38% Facial Expression, body language 55%
Your 3 Brains NEOCORTEX & CEREBRUM Comprises 80% of the brain. Thinking Cap Thinking, reasoning brain. LIMBIC/MAMMALIAN BRAIN Our emotional brain. Deals with bonding. BRAIN STEM/REPTILIAN BRAIN The primitive brain we share with reptiles. Deals with instincts: breathing, heartbeat Programmed for fight or flight. Very closely linked with memory. Vital for learning.
Neuroscience
Between Stimulus and Response there is a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom. Viktor E. Frankl
What shows up SILENCE Withdrawing Pulling out of communication completely; physical, emotional, psychological Avoiding staying away from unsafe topics or issues Masking understating, sugar coating, sarcasm, selectively showing VIOLENCE Controlling coercing others through how we share our views interrupting, overstating, absolutes Labeling trying to win or have others give in through ridiculing their ideas Attacking making sure others hurt; emotional, physical, psychological
Candour is never the problem People never become defensive about what you re saying the Content. People become defensive because of why they think you re saying it - your Intent.
Me First The only person you can change is yourself start there. Focus on what you really want Pay attention to your motives. Ask yourself: What does my behaviour tell me about what my motives are? Then, clarify what you really want: Ask yourself: What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship? And finally ask: How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?
NO Buts No Just
Colour Types
Communication Styles Direct aggression: bossy, arrogant, bulldozing, intolerant, opinionated, and overbearing Indirect aggression: sarcastic, deceiving, ambiguous, insinuating, manipulative, and guilt-inducing Submissive: wailing, moaning, helpless, passive, indecisive, and apologetic Assertive: direct, honest, accepting, responsible, and spontaneous
Assertive Assertive people state their opinions, while still being respectful of others. Aggressive people attack or ignore others' opinions in favour of their own. Passive people don't state their opinions at all.
Balancing Act
The Attitude Matrix
Wrestling with Arnie 1 st Position Self Self Experiencing the World from OUR own point of view What would an independent Observer see, hear and feel? 2nd Position Other How does the world look, feel and sound from THE OTHER person s point of view 3rd Position Independent Observer s advice on How to
Benefits of Being Assertive ü One of the main benefits of being assertive is that it can help you to become more selfconfident, as you gain a better understanding of who you are and the value that you offer. ü Assertiveness provides several other benefits that can help you both in your workplace and in other areas of your life. In general, assertive people: ü Make great managers. They get things done by treating people with fairness and respect, and are treated by others the same way in return. This means that they are often well-liked and seen as leaders that people want to work with. ü Negotiate successful "win-win" solutions. They are able to recognize the value of their opponent's position and can quickly find common ground with him. ü Are better doers and problem solvers. They feel empowered to do whatever it takes to find the best solution to the problems that they encounter. ü Are less anxious and stressed. They are self-assured and don't feel threatened or victimized when things don't go as planned or as expected.
Empathetic Assertion 1 Actively Listen to ensure understanding 2 Say what you Think / feel 3 State clearly your preference I can see what I understand that I appreciate that So, I think I feel that My thoughts are I see it this way..and I think So, I suggest What I propose is My preference is for
Other Tips ü Ask for more time ü Change your verbs ü Be a Broken record
Key Takeaways ü Context and Preparation is key ü Be aware of Emotion on both sides ü Listen, listen, listen ü Attitude I m Ok, you re OK ü Use of I ü Be Empathetic ü Separate behaviour from person ü Aim to get mutual agreement ü Balance and Respect
Aim to get Win - Win
If you don t like something, change it. If you can t change it, change your attitude. MAYA ANGELOU Managing with Emotional Intelligence 25
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