YOUR ESSENTIAL EMOTIONAL NEEDS Needs that need to be met in balance
The Human Givens Meeting essential emotional needs in balance to help save your relationship Your essential emotional needs You were born with a set of essential emotional needs, which you ll find listed further down. They re essential because they re vital to your emotional and mental health - and thereby the health of your relationship. You were also born with natural resources that enable you to meet those essential needs. These needs and resources are what make you human, and we 1 call them the Human Givens. If you actively apply the theory of the Human Givens to your life, you ll be in much healthier emotional shape and better equipped to deal with life s inevitable setbacks. 1 Human Givens, The New Approach to Emotional Health and Clear Thinking, by Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrell www.professional-counselling.com Page 2 of 11
The result? You re less likely to become depressed, anxious, discontented or unhappy in general. When it comes to helping to save your relationship, it's really important that you: do all you can to meet your own needs in balance as best as you can contribute generously to helping your partner meet their emotional needs help your partner understand what's meant by essential emotional needs, and talk together about how you can help each other Take the time to work your way through the list and make a plan of action! Your essential emotional needs: how will you meet them? Security The importance of feeling secure - in yourself, your relationships and your environment - shouldn t be underestimated. Having a safe, stable home life helps with this need. This allows you to spend your energy not just on surviving, but also on developing yourself, and taking an active part in building a healthy relationship. www.professional-counselling.com Page 3 of 11
Treating each other with respect will go a long way towards creating a feeling of security. Just in case - you might want to familiarise yourself the with signs of emotional abuse (see separate document). And, of course, there's absolutely no place in any relationship for any kind of physical abuse either. What can you do now to improve the sense of security for you both? Giving and receiving attention Attention - both giving and receiving - is one of our most important essential emotional needs. Meeting this need simply involves sharing: giving (ideally generously, without expecting anything in return) and receiving gratefully (and gracefully, if you can). Without getting any attention or having the opportunity to give it, you d quickly become depressed and either completely withdrawn or overly needy. What can you do to increase your opportunity to give? And what can your www.professional-counselling.com Page 4 of 11
partner do to meet some of your attention needs? Friendships, fun, love, and physical intimacy Your partner cannot possibly fulfill all of your emotional needs, nor can you fulfill all of his/hers. That means it's important to invest in many different kinds of relationships (but that does not mean that you can have an affair!). Friends, family, colleagues, strangers - you can develop important connections with all of the people you interact with, and each will serve a different social function in your life. All relationships need energy, time and people-skills to be invested in them. Then we can reap the rewards: how much better do you feel after a proper belly-laugh with a valued friend, or a good old heart-to-heart? :-) When it comes to physical intimacy, that really doesn t mean just sex. Hugging a friend, stroking your dog, kissing and hugging family and friends (appropriately, in a safe way and at the right time) are all equally as valuable and important. Plan now what you ll do this week to invest in your most important relationships. www.professional-counselling.com Page 5 of 11
What can you do to encourage your partner do the same? A sense of autonomy and control over our environment However little control we may feel we have, it pays to remember that a little is better than none at all. We need to feel that we can do things independently, that our actions have an outcome, and that something we ve done has positively affected ourselves and/or other people and our environment. Feeling trapped or totally out of control can cause anxiety, depression and a whole host of other emotional difficulties. The ability to restore a little order to the chaos - at home, at work, or in the wider community - is a resource you have, which can help you to ensure this essential emotional need is met. What do you feel out of control with? Brainstorm possible solutions. Even small changes can make a big difference. www.professional-counselling.com Page 6 of 11
Being part of a wider community We need to feel as though we belong and that we are connected to others. The best way to achieve this is by being part of a group (or groups) - be that friends, family or an interest-based club. The more groups we belong to, the better we protect ourselves against loneliness and isolation. Being part of groups also provides us with opportunities to meet some of our other essential emotional needs (e.g. friendship, giving and receiving attention etc). It can also help us to put our own problems in perspective by setting them against the backdrop of other people s situations and difficulties. What precisely can you do to develop your connections? How can you encourage your partner to develop their connections and - just in case - how can you stop yourself being jealous of those? www.professional-counselling.com Page 7 of 11
Meaning and purpose Even the most difficult tasks are easier to accomplish if we know why we re doing them and if they align with our values and beliefs. Being stretched towards achieving a meaningful goal provides a sense of satisfaction. The most difficult times are more bearable if they have meaning and purpose. The more we feel our actions have value and that we re contributing to something bigger than ourselves, the healthier our emotional well-being will be. It s also useful to have meaning and purpose when life is going well for us - because it prevents us from becoming bored! If you feel your life is lacking meaning and purpose, what precisely is your dream outcome? Brainstorm ideas for improvement now - for yourself and for the two of you as a couple. www.professional-counselling.com Page 8 of 11
A sense of competence and achievement If we stretch ourselves to achieve a goal, we feel more alive - we make full use of our inborn resources. The more we stretch ourselves, step outside our comfort zones and keep learning, the more competent we feel and the more solid our self-esteem becomes. This is regardless of how small or large someone else might judge our accomplishments to be. It s important that we know we re stretching ourselves, and give ourselves the credit that s due. If you look back on your life, you ll probably see that you ve somehow been able to deal with life s challenges. Even if you feel you could have done better, it s very likely that you were more capable that you d ever imagined you could be. www.professional-counselling.com Page 9 of 11
List 3 things you re proud of achieving as an individual and 3 things you've achieved as a couple. A sense of status within social groupings Status here doesn t relate to the car/house/clothes etc. you possess. It also doesn t mean that you need to be the CEO of a large company. It simply means that you are recognised for your individual role in the group in exactly the same way as others are recognised for theirs, no matter who has what role. We need to feel that we have a role to play and that we re appreciated for whatever we contribute to the communities we belong to - be that a formal or informal role. What are the roles you play? And what roles does your partner have? www.professional-counselling.com Page 10 of 11
Privacy Privacy doesn t only mean having a place all to yourself. It also means having the space and time to think and reflect. It s through reflection - when you re in a calm state of mind - that you can separate yourself from your troubles, review your attitude and learn from life s experiences. What precisely do you need to do to give yourself more opportunities to reflect? What next? Don't underestimate the importance of your essential emotional needs! Sleep on it for now. You ll find that after a good night s sleep, you ll have come up with new ideas or ways to refine your existing ones. Then commit to making some changes in your life. Immediately starting with some small (or large) changes right away will at the very least give you some sense of control - an essential emotional need! www.professional-counselling.com Page 11 of 11