OUT OF THE SHADOWS A NEWSLETTER FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE GRIEVING FOR SOMEONE LOST TO SUICIDE

Transcription

1 OUT OF THE SHADOWS A NEWSLETTER FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE GRIEVING FOR SOMEONE LOST TO SUICIDE Fall Table of Contents Fall is a season of many feelings. Autumn is here once again as it comes every year. And with the leaves my falling tears. This time of year is the hardest of all. My heart is still breaking, once again it is fall. Memories once so vivid are seeming to fade. My times spent with you seem some other age. This season reminds me of grief and of pain. But yet teaches hope and joy once again. For the trees are still living beneath their grey bark, and you my sweet child are alive in my heart! Closure-A Misnomer 2 My Obligation to the World 3 Feed the Cat??? 4 Remembrances 5 Together We ll Walk the Stepping Stones Love Never Dies Memorial Quilt Presentation Grief Support and Survivors Meetings Need Help Right Now? 7 Upcoming Events by Cinda Schake Over 150 people attended the 8 th Annual Northeast Region Memorial Walk at Warrior s Path State Park on September 29. This annual event, staged by TSPN s Northeast Region, is an opportunity for people to commemorate and talk about loved ones they have lost to suicide. The event included several speakers and musical guests, a walk through the park, and a memorial balloon release.

2 OUT OF THE SHADOWS 2 Closure A Misnomer In the past few years, the non-bereaved seem to have won the battle, and it all came about as the result of someone discovering there is a word in the dictionary called closure. What battle, you say? Those of us who have suffered the death of someone vital to our lives recognized the need for such a word. Not our word, surely, but the need for the non-bereaved, for as Shakespeare once said, Everyone can master grief but he that has it. It s difficult to have a day go by that someone doesn t insinuate, with seeming great authority, that those of us who grieve and can t seem to put it all behind us, simply haven t put their hearts into achieving closure. Bear in mind now, that s the same heart that has been broken, maybe many times over. Do these people who casually demand closure of us not realize that, like Humpty-Dumpty, all the king s horses and all the king s men couldn t put all the pieces together again? Some people have been fortunate enough not to know that particular pain, but maybe those of us who do know that pain are more finely attuned to life s realities. The reality that says grief is NOT a simple set of stages, once accomplished, each stage goes away. Instead, some particular stages may visit you time and again. There is some truth in the old saying, Time heals all wounds, but there is more truth in the simple knowledge that, with time, life does go on for those who grieve. The reality is life s cadence is never the same, for grief has a tempo of its own. Understanding that the ones who HAVEN T A CLUE, as the modern saying goes, are really more comfortable believing that closure is possible and that loss really isn t so bad. How can THEY know how it feels to have part of you amputated without the benefit of anesthesia? If I didn t know how it feels, I too would wish for it not to be so bad and would shy away from reality. My dictionary says closure is defined, in part, as finished, ended. In the twenty years since my son died I know now that closure is not possible. Instead, his death has become a part of the fiber of my life. It is more accurate to say that I have learned to live with my loss more comfortably, but finished, ended? That s truly a misnomer. by Mary Cleckley, member of the Board of Directors of Bereaved Parents of the USA Out of the Shadows wants your articles, poetry, prose, and artwork for the next issue and the ones to come. We ll also need suggestions and recommendations on how we can make it better. If there s a piece you want to submit to the newsletter, send it to tspn@tspn.org with the subject line OOS Submission. Feedback and suggestions can also be sent to this address with the subject line OOS Feedback.

3 OUT OF THE SHADOWS 3 My Obligation to the World On December 13, 2004, my world shattered into a million pieces. After a 2 year long battle with schizophrenia, my youngest son, Jonathan took his own life at the age of 19. The day Jonathan died, I kept telling myself this is the worst day of my life. Little did I know through the haze of shock that surrounded me, that there would be many worse days to follow. The first six months, it was all I could do to keep breathing. During this time, I believe I could have actually lay down and willed myself to die. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that I could not leave my remaining sons and my grandchildren, as they also were trying to deal with this horrific loss. I was acutely aware that they needed me, their mother, now as never before. So somehow, I managed to keep breathing and keep moving through life one step at a time. At the six-month point, I began to realize that I had to find help dealing with my loss and heartache. Rage consumed me, rage that the mental health system was ineffective in dealing with my son, rage that my son had to fight this mental illness to begin with, rage that I lost my beloved son. I started grief counseling and I joined a parents-ofsuicide survivor support group. The parents support group has helped me with every step that I have made on this journey. It was not long before I realized that being able to talk to other parents who had suffered the same loss, was as essential to my well being as the air I need to breathe. Through the counseling and support group, I have come to understand that what I feel is completely normal, that I am not losing my mind. I strongly urge anyone who has lost someone to suicide, to find a support group to connect with. It has only been a little over 15 months for me; I am still new on this journey which lasts a lifetime. I have been through the first birthday, the first Memorial Day, the holidays where the empty place at the table stabs at my already broken heart. I think of Jonathan twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. The pain is so all consuming there are no words to adequately describe it. But I have survived, I am surviving and I will survive, but it is not an easy road. I take one day at a time and deal with that day as it comes. That s all I can do right now, that is all any of us in this nightmare can do. I survive for those that I love who remain here with me. I survive to make sure that my son, Jonathan is remembered. As long as I live he will not be forgotten. There are a lot of statistics on suicide; I survive to remind people that there are faces behind those numbers. Faces of children, brothers, sisters and spouses who were loved by family and friends. That behind those faces were wonderful people who had much to contribute to the world we live in. I try to tell Jonathan s story every time an opportunity arises. Schizophrenia, depression, and bipolar diseases are serious mental illness, often terminal. Suicide occurs when these diseases become fatal. I survive to try to raise awareness that the mental health system must be improved, to prevent others from having to walk in my shoes. I look at my grandchildren and worry for their futures if they or their children ever have to face the disease. The day I buried my son, I also buried a piece of my heart. I will miss him until the day that I take my last breath. Any joy that I experience is bittersweet knowing that he is not here to share it with me. Some days, the blanket of shock still cushions me, it all seems so surreal. He s not really gone, he is just in the other room. Other days the pain rips through me as if it will tear me completely in two. This is the way of the journey of grief. My faith in a loving and merciful God, my faith that Jonathan is happy and no longer suffering, my faith that I will see my son in eternity sustains me on this road. And I draw comfort from knowing that death cannot destroy what is important. That Jonathan is still my son and always will be, that I am still his mother, I always will be and most importantly that I will love him for all eternity. Love is all powerful and cannot be destroyed by death. Often, the world is changed one person at a time. And because of this, it is my obligation to the world and my son to survive. Terrye Fitts is the mother of Jonathan Clemons, who is represented on one of TSPN s Love Never Dies memorial quilts and is noted in this issue s Remembrances section (see page 5). She originally wrote this essay in 2006.

4 OUT OF THE SHADOWS 4 My son is dead and you expect me to feed the cat??? Feed the Cat??? Isn t it amazing how society is so rigid in their expectations? There are rules, you know, steps we must all take. Whoever set these standards obviously has never lost a child, the core of our heart and soul. It just doesn t work that way. Simple, everyday tasks are impossible to complete. The only constant in your upside-down world is pain, unlike any pain you have ever known. Shortly after your child s death, you are expected to return to your job, take care of your household, pay the bills, and yes, feed the cat! It has been a year for me, since I lost my son, and I still go totally blank mid-act. I stand in a store with no idea what I came in for, or I cry over the bananas, because Lee loved them. I can go from laughter to tears in 1.1 seconds. Only those who have experienced the same heartache will understand when you go crazy. They will understand when you say, I need to be alone but I can t be alone! Each grieving parent must heal in his or her own way, in his or her own time. One step forward, 15 back, spin around and start over only to repeat the same process, one step forward, 15 back you get the picture. But you don t have to heal alone. You need not walk alone. Join us, we know you re not crazy just a grieving parent. We do care. by Ann Stultz Courtesy of the Facebook community S.O.S. Survivors of Suicide Over 130 people participated in the Suicide Prevention Memorial Walk on September 14, held at the Pulaski Recreation Center and sponsored by the Giles County Suicide Prevention Task Force. The event included a 5K walk/run for participants. Here, Pastor Ricky Keith of the Pulaski Assembly of God leads guests in prayer (photo courtesy of Pam Arnell).

5 OUT OF THE SHADOWS 5 Remembrances Steven Anthony Cedillo 11/2/ /6/2009 Sarah Elaine Tinder 6/19/ /22/2012 Brent D. Hogshead 6/22/ /24/1996 Debbie Gulliot 3/12/ /27/2004 Hugh Martin Mitchell, Jr. 12/20/1955-4/14/1998 Richard Allen LaBonte 12/24/1943-4/11/2007 Charles (Chuck) F. O'Neil 12/28/1940-8/28/2001 Richard Edward Hatch 12/28/1986-7/23/2009 Together We'll Walk the Stepping Stones Come, take my hand, the road is long. We must travel by stepping stones. No, you're not alone; I'll go with you. I know the road well, I've been there. Don't fear the darkness, I'll be there with you. We must take one step at a time, But remember we may have to stop awhile. It is a long way to the other side And there may be obstacles. Sean McKitrick 11/28/1984-4/28/2004 April Michelle LeFever 12/1/1974-9/16/1990 Juanita Suzette Douglas 12/3/1949-4/28/2007 David Christopher Cotton 12/5/1988-3/17/2010 Corey Onken 12/8/1988-4/13/2006 Dustin Kyle Puckett 3/1/ /9/2002 Jonathan Lee Clemons 9/30/ /13/2004 Jefferson O'Neal Grice 6/1/ /14/2000 Jesse Hal Epstein 2/14/ /14/2004 Mica Lynn Breeden Martin 12/15/ /16/2001 Bradley Hayes Fowlkes 1/28/ /30/2005 Ashley Marie Rogers 1/17/ /30/2006 Paul John Sanders 12/31/1974-4/24/2005 If you would like to remember your loved one in Out of the Shadows, please send your loved one s name, birth date, death date, your name, and your address to tspn@tspn.org with the subject line Remembrance. We have many stones to cross; some are bigger than others. Shock, denial and anger to start, then comes guilt, despair and loneliness. It's a hard road to travel, but it must be done. It's the only way to reach the other side. Come, slip your hand in mine. What? Oh, yes, it's strong. I've held so many hands like yours. Yes, mine was one time small and weak like yours. Once, you see, I had to take someone's hand in order to take the first step. Oops! You've stumbled. Go on, one step at a time. There's no need to hurry. Say, it's nice to hear you laugh. Yes, I agree, The memories you shared are good. Look, we're halfway there now; I can see the other side. It looks so warm and sunny. Oh, have you noticed we're nearing the last stone and you're standing alone? We've reached the other side. But wait, look back. Someone is standing there. They are alone and want to cross the stepping stones. I'd better go, they need my help. What? Are you sure? Why, yes. Go ahead, I'll wait. You know the way; you've been there. Yes, I agree, it's you turn, my friend - To help someone else cross the stepping stones. by Barb Williams, a member of the Parents of Suicides/Friends of Families of Suicides online support group

6 OUT OF THE SHADOWS 6 Love Never Dies Memorial Quilt Presentation The Love Never Dies quilt project is one of the most popular aspect of TSPN s outreach to survivors of suicide. Wherever these quilts are exhibited health fairs, festivals, concerts, memorials these quilts and the people featured on them personalize the problem of suicide. They show everyone who sees them that suicide is not some abstract social phenomenon, but something that affects us all. The first quilt made its official debut at the Suicide Prevention Awareness Day observance at the State Capitol on September 13, Since then, TSPN has a total of twelve quilts, both those commissioned by the Network s Quilt Committee and those created by regional groups. This is considered an ongoing project, and the Quilt Committee will be accepting submissions indefinitely. For directions on how to make a memorial square for the quilt or to have a quilt square made, please refer to the project page on the TSPN website ( To exhibit one or more of the quilts at your event, please review the quilt display policy and complete the request form, hosted at this same page. If you have any questions about the display policy or problems with the form, please contact the TSPN central office at tspn@tspn.org. The photos below are from the dedication of the latest Love Never Dies Memorial Quilt, held during the Suicide Prevention Awareness Day event in Nashville on September 11, Top left: Karyl Chastain Beal, chair of TSPN s Quilt Committee (center) presents Max and Patti Atnip with a framed copy of the quilt panel they submitted in memory of their daughter Jennifer Shea Atnip. Everyone who contributes to the quilt receives a copy of the quilt square honoring their loved one. Top right: Randi Breeden (center) and Johnny Breeden (left) remember their daughter Mica Lynn Breeden Martin (featured in this edition s Remembrances section. The t-shirts they are wearing are intended to promote Team Mica, a suicide prevention charity hosted by the Community Foundation of Middle Tennessee. The Breedens are joined by Mica s cousin Erin Hornsby, founder of Team Mica. Bottom left: Several family members of Joseph James Joe Costal came to honor him at this year s event. Bottom right: A large contingent of classmates and teachers came all the way from White County High School in Sparta, a fellow classmate to honor of Isaac Moises "Moses" Francisco, a fellow classmate.

7 OUT OF THE SHADOWS 7 Grief Support & Survivors Meetings West Tennessee Memphis Healing Hearts Suicide Grief Support Group Kerry Mitchell momofjamaje@yahoo.com (901) Middle Tennessee Centerville Left Behind By Suicide Rosa Newton rosa.newton@baptisthospital.com (931) , ext Clarksville Survivors of Suicide Cindy Johnson cjohnson@thmgt.com (931) Columbia Friends and Families of Suicides Karyl Chastain Beal arlynsmom@bellsouth.net (931) Cookeville Journey grief support groups (931) info@heartofthecumberland.org Franklin Survivors of Suicide Scott Payne sos@fcsnashville.org (615) Murfreesboro Survivors of Suicide Karen Potratz kpotratz@fbcmboro.org (615) , extension 53 Survivors of Suicide Ashley Hosfield survivors.suicide@fcsnashville.org (615) Every Thursday at 7:00 PM Nashville Survivors of Suicide Samantha Owen sos@fcsnashville.org (615) East Tennessee Chattanooga SITE (Suicide Isn t the End) Gloria Hastings stratcat@comcast.net (423) for meeting times Jefferson City ComPaSS Cynthia Lynn (865) clynn@cn.edu Johnson City/Gray Tri-Cities Survivors of Suicide Linda Harold tnbubster@yahoo.com Harold Leonard hleonard@centurylink.net (423) or Knoxville Suicide Grievers Support Group Paula J. Alexander, LCSW, CGC pj4031@tds.net (865) Maryville Blount County Survivors of Suicide Barbara Lasater blasater@bmnet.com (865) For more information on survivors groups and for information on other survivors groups outside Tennessee proper which have members from Tennessee (in other words, far eastern Tennessee and the Memphis area ), please visit Need Help Right Now? Losing a loved one to suicide is emotionally overwhelming. Survivors of suicide are at risk for attempting suicide because of the emotional upheaval they are experiencing. Feelings of hopelessness, feeling trapped, feeling like a burden to others, increased alcohol or drug consumption, sleeping too little or too much, and withdrawing or feeling isolated from others are signs that you or a loved one may need help now. If you or a loved one are feeling suicidal, please seek help immediately. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at TALK or visit

8 OUT OF THE SHADOWS 8 TSPN works across the state to eliminate the stigma of suicide and educate communities about the warning signs of suicide, with the ultimate goal of reducing suicide rates in the state of Tennessee. TSPN s continued success is due in large part to volunteers willing to donate their time and energy. If you would like to volunteer with TSPN, please call (615) or tspn@tspn.org. Upcoming Events Additional events are listed on the calendar on the TSPN homepage ( November 1, 12 PM: Blount County Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Alliance meeting, Boys and Girls Club Room, Fort Craig Elementary School, 520 South Washington Street, Maryville November 4, 3 PM and 6 PM: Learn the Mental Health CPR, Auditorium, University Center, University of Tennessee-Chattanooga. For more information, see event flyer at November 5, 9 AM: Montgomery-Houston-Humphreys-Stewart County Suicide Prevention Task Force meeting, Behavioral HealthCare Center at Clarksville, 930 Professional Park Drive November 5, 6 PM: Rutherford County Suicide Prevention Coalition Meeting, TrustPoint Hospital, 1009 North Thompson Lane, Murfreesboro November 6, 11 AM: South Central regional meeting, South Central Regional Health Office, 1216 Trotwood Avenue, Columbia November 7, 10 AM: Southeast regional meeting, Johnson Mental Health Center, 420 Bell Avenue, Chattanooga November 14, 9:30 AM: Mid-Cumberland regional meeting, Goodwill Industries of Middle Tennessee, Inc., 937 Herman Street, Nashville November 19, 11:30 AM: Memphis/Shelby County regional meeting, Meeting Room A of the Benjamin L. Hooks Central Library, 3030 Poplar Avenue, Memphis November 20, 10:30 AM: Rural West regional meeting, Behavioral Health Initiatives, 36C Sandstone Circle, Jackson November 21, 9 AM: Upper Cumberland regional meeting, Volunteer Behavioral Health Care Systems, 1200 Willow Avenue, Cookeville November 21, 12 PM: East Tennessee regional meeting, Mental Health Association of East Tennessee, 9050 Executive Park Drive, Knoxville November 26, 10:30 AM: Northeast regional meeting, Boone s Creek Christian Church, 305 Christian Church Road, Gray November 29, 1:30 PM: Hickman-Perry County Suicide Prevention Task Force meeting, Senior Care Building, Hickman Community Hospital, 135 East Swan Street, Centerville