Public Victory Giovanni Mejia San Jose State University SLIS

Transcription

1 1 Giovanni Mejia San Jose State University SLIS Interpersonal Communication Skills for Librarians Professor Jill Cody October 20, 2008

2 2 Abstract: This essay is the second personal discussion of Stephen Covey s book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Habits 4,5,6,7 are discussed, and related to personal experiences of the past, and present. The first three habits discussed are central to becoming interdependent with people around us. The last habit is a method of making sure the previous 6 habits discussed in essay 1 and 2 of becoming an effective person is maintained.

3 3 There is no difference between buddhas and people, but buddhas understand their ignorance and we are ignorant of enlightenment (as cited in Roshi). This statement explains the fundamentals of interdependency. There is no way two parties can communicate without stepping outside themselves to see the overall picture. In Stephen Covey s book, the first 3 habits (be proactive, begin with end in mind, and put first things first) lay an individuals foundation habit 4,5,6 and 7. The habits are tools to understand, and develop healthy interdependent relationships. Emotional Bank Account Before discussing any habits, Covey outlines how to think about the maintenance of P/PC. In other words, how an individual can approach the development of trust with another individual to become interdependent. Covey compares the trust in a relationship to a bank account in which deposits and withdrawals can be made. Treating people with kindness, honesty, and respect are deposits in the bank account. In contrast, threats, overreactions, and disrespect are withdrawals. For example, at a job I once had, new employees (me included) arrived with tons of energy to get started, and be part of the team. The first several weeks were full of excitement as employees were exposed new technologies, and developed new skills. But as new employees became integrated, and were to become interdependent to complete large projects problems became prevalent. The head clerk had much more experience than everyone, and was the hub for all the new employees. Unfortunately, he had the tendency to command people around, ignore individual concerns about work, and overreacted to situations that did not go his way. Over time, employees withdrew emotionally, and negative gossip spread around the office. The group stopped going to lunch together as they had for the first couple of

4 4 months, and large projects were left to individuals since no one wanted to help anyone. Banks accounts became overdrawn, and the work environment was completely negative. The idea of an Emotional bank account is one of the most important concepts because explains the end results in a relationship, and in the example given the reasons behind the negative relationship were because too many withdrawals were taken through disrespect, and lack of care. Habit 4: Think Win/Win Habit 4 is a method of approaching problems so that all parties win, or there is no deal. Covey defines 6 different paradigms of human interaction. There is Win/Win, Win/Lose, Lose/Win, Lose/Lose, Win, and Win/Win or No Deal. In the example given above about my office experience, I gave into the lose/win paradigm. I chose to avoid putting energy into trying to improve the relationship and went along with whatever I was told. My standards were based on whatever other did; I had no expectations, and no vision of how I wanted to do my job. The end result was stress and frustrations with work. Another example of being in the wrong paradigm, I was in an intimate relationship where things ended abruptly because of the natural progression of work and school. When things ended she did not want to talk to me because she was deeply sad, and asked for time to become comfortable with the idea of being friends. I overreacted, and took a position of my way or the highway, and cut off communication. She attempted to restore our friendship months later, but I had committed to a Win/Lose paradigm and maliciously responded with a big no. But deep down inside I knew I was taking an irrational position because of my stubbornness and inflated ego, and in actuality it became Lose/Lose

5 5 situation. These two examples illustrate how a position in which someone loses leads to unfulfilling results. In contrast to losing paradigms, Win/Win or No Deal tends to work best. This approach allows for flexibility in decision making, so that all party s wants are considered, and if one party feels that no settlement can occur then instead of losing they can opt-out. Further, a Win/Win or No Deal paradigm allows for trust to grow because all sides know that the best result is for a mutually beneficial agreement. For example, I once worked a job that required large projects to be completed to meet deadlines, and the only way to finish the task was to stay overnight. The job could be done by one person, but the amount of time and energy would be inhumane. Employees would agree to help out because the job would be completed faster, and the next time similar project were handed the trust had been developed to know that someone would be willing to stay and help out. In the immediate situation it may have seemed like a Win/Lose, but in the long run everyone actually won. And friendships and bonds became closer than before. Habit 5: Principles of Empathic Communication Empathic Communication is probably the most important habit for developing interdependent relationships. There is no way to understand how to use the concept of an Emotional Bank account, or apply Win/Win or No Deal if a person can not step into someone else s shoes and see a situation through their eyes. Covey breaks down communication into 4 stages. Stage 1 and 2 are similar in that they do not involve much analysis. First, Covey discusses mimicking the content, which is just a reflection of what the person is saying without any analysis. Second, Covey talks about rephrasing the content, which is taking

6 6 in the information and rephrasing, but not entirely understanding the feeling behind a statement. For example, after a night out on the town a friend and I began sharing thoughts on our favorite movies, and as I explain the basis of my favorite movie I notice she kept repeating the words, cool, yeah, and I really liked that part of the movie. I asked her if I was boring her with my ideas, and she enthusiastically said, No, I m just tired, and absorbing what you are saying. Truth was we were both tired and probably mimicking, and not critically thinking about the overall conversation, so at the end it was just a friendly conversation without real empathic interaction. Stage 3 is reflecting the feeling being expressed, but not empathically understanding. A friend of mine suffered from migraines, and thought I understood her because I had broken bones several times in the past, and had surgery. One day I developed a toothache that developed into headaches that were so severe I could not sit still without breaking down and venting my frustration. At the moments of the worst pain, the only person I could think of was my friend who suffered from migraines--i completely empathized with her. In daily interactions with people around, it is easy to mimic or rephrase content but that does not allow for a real complete paradigm shifts. Without real paradigm shifts, building trust, and making deposits into the Emotional bank account become hard, and hinder interdependence. In short, empathic communication through understanding another person is central for interdependence. Habit 6: Synergize Habit 6 is the effect of several parties working together to create substantially more as a cooperative group. Habit 6 has been the hardest habit to relate to my life, but I have one experience that surprisingly falls under synergy. While working at the dysfunctional job,

7 7 a co-worker was handed a project involving massive amounts of documents, and little time to get the job done. We all realized that the job assigned would take a week for one person to complete. For one evening everyone dropped their feelings about everyone, and just opened up to working to get the project done. We sat together at a giant table organizing documents, and as soon as one person was done he would move to the next person and divide the work. As the group progressed, positive energy began to developed; we played music from a computer and designated a DJ, someone else fetched cake for everyone to eat, and toward the end we popped a couple of bottles of wine. Everyone understood that the project was so big there was no room for selfishness and inflated egos. We just accepted that we all needed each other to complete the task, and for a moment we were interdependent and produced some of the best work while at the job. Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw Habit 7 is actively taking time to keep minds, body, and soul healthy to effectively implement habits 1-6. First Convey discusses the physical dimension, which is keeping the body healthy through exercise and proper eating. Exercise is a quadrant II activity because it is not urgent, but it is important. Exercise lowers the heart rate, so that in tense situation it is easier to stay calm. Additionally, exercise pushes people beyond their limits, forces a person to be patient, and if routine, further commits a person to quadrant II, and pro-activity. Second, the spiritual dimension help maintain Habit 2. Habit 2 is the center where the principles lay, and reminders by reading quality literature, listening to music, and doing activities that lead to contemplation are important. I find that I am happiest when doing both these activities at once while riding my bicycle. Whenever I climb a mountain I am reminded that I could do anything as long as I am

8 8 patient and work hard. The first time I climbed a mountain I thought if quitting every second of the way up because of the pain, and agony. But I did not quit because I had faith in my abilities, and once I reached the top a feeling euphoria came over me. As I loved over the mountain down at the blanket of clouds below, and felt a sense of awe that reminded me of the important things in life that I value. There is something empowering about knowing I can conquer such a massive piece of land, and give me confidence I can get through any setback I face in life. Third, the mental dimension involves to continued development of the mind. Formal education forces us to think critically, and continuously learn. But once formal education we tend to stop exploring new complex subjects, and spend tons of time watching television (Covey, p ). Television is valuable for the information it can provide, but it can be detrimental to our principles because it can waste a lot of time. For example, my brother watches more soccer than any person I know on the weekday, and on the weekend. A soccer game is about 2 hours; he watches about 1 game per day, and also 1 hour of highlights. In total he watches about 20 hours of television per week, and it does nothing to inspire him. In contrast, after reading Lance Armstrong s books I could not help by to donate money to cancer foundations, ride my bike, and eat healthy. The mental dimension is important in the continued growth of our mind, but growth can only be accomplished through activities that fit our principles. Fourth, the social and emotional dimension is dealing with issues with other people using habits 4, 5, and 7. The whole process is new to me, but I tried implementing this exercise recently. In a story earlier in this essay I discussed an intimate relationship, in which I resorted to a Win/Lose paradigm and ended up in a Lose/Lose paradigm. I

9 9 took Covey s ideas and applied them to the situation. I contacted the person, apologized for being immature for taking a Win/Lose stance, and hope the emotional bank account had not been drawn to zero. Over a period of several weeks, I listened to all her grievances, and asked questions when I did not understand a certain point. I applied my own principles of patience and understanding, and the willingness to try to empathically understand the person. We came to the conclusion that we both felt the same exact way, and that we misunderstood each other. And on my part, being proactive by acknowledging my mistakes, and learning from the process has been enlightening. We are now once again on good terms. As I continuously practice these habits there has been and upward spiral. I had noticed the spiral, but just called it progress. The upward spiral Covey describe is of learning, committing, and doing to continue personally and interpersonal development. Conclusion Covey provides tools that allow for interdependence between people. His idea of an Emotional bank account provides a clear cut perspective on how action are either going to add positive, or negative energy to a relationship. The Win/Win perspective is a realization that the best results do not stem from just winning. In my case I may have won a shallow victory, but in the end it was just a deep victory to nowhere. But when all parties win, trust develops and can lead to more victories in the future. The truly bring the emotional bank account, and Win/Win idea together, empathic communication is vital to understanding all perspectives. Finally, there are activities that can help keep our habits sharp such as exercising, reading, meditating, and actively working to solve important issues that could become huge problems in the future. Ultimately, understanding that we

10 10 are not perfect, and if we continue to implement the habits we can become interdependent, and enlightened people.

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