Empathy - your secret superpower

Transcription

1 Empathy - your secret superpower Fellow-feeling...is the most important factor in producing a healthy political and social life. Neither our national nor our local civic life can be what it should be unless it is marked by the fellow-feeling, the mutual kindness, the mutual respect, the sense of common duties and common interests, which arise when men take the trouble to understand one another, and to associate together for a common object. A very large share of the rancor of political and social strife arises either from sheer misunderstanding by one section, or by one class, of another, or else from the fact that the two sections, or two classes, are so cut off from each other that neither appreciates the other s passions, prejudices, and, indeed, point of view, while they are both entirely ignorant of their community of feeling as regards the essentials of manhood and humanity. -Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of the United States But I ve read all the personality books. I ve attended courses on understanding generations. I have next door neighbours from Sudan, I already know how we re all different. But without what Teddy Roosevelt called the fellow feeling - empathy - your knowledge remains theory. Empathy is the glue that binds all of this together. You can read all you want on different styles of communication and different styles of behaviour but unless you can practice empathy with this knowledge you won t see the results you want. What is empathy? Do we really need it? What if I m not empathic? Let s have a look at these questions. What is empathy? Empathy is much more than sympathy, when you feel bad for the other person. Empathy is the ability to stand in someone else s shoes, to feel what they feel and see what they see. Empathy is the ultimate in understanding other people; to slide into their minds and see what the world is like from their perspective in order to better understand them. When you feel bad for the victims of a natural disaster you re most likely feeling sympathy. You imagining their pain and want to try and help so perhaps you donate money. But unless you ve lived through a natural disaster you can only feel for them. Empathy requires you to feel with somebody.

2 Empathy makes us human, and allows us to connect with each other on a level where we have a chance of making better decisions on how we act towards each other. Daniel Pink, author of Drive, says that empathy "allows us to see the other side of an argument, comfort someone in distress, and bite our lip instead of muttering something snide." It s one ability that sets us apart from many other life forms. Some of us have empathy in bucketloads and are masters at compassion and kindness which comes so easily. But it s empathy that galvanises compassion and kindness. Finally, empathy is at the true heart of understanding and respecting diversity, not just in personality but in all the other differences we re exposed to, and must deal with, in our world. Do we really need empathy? More than ever. According to a study by the University of Michigan Social Research, college students in the US are 40% less empathic that their counterparts of 30 years ago. The research ran a total of 72 studies over a 30 year period between 1979 and There are those then that say this is a generational thing. That today s under 30 s are more self absorbed and narcissistic than other generations. I think the increased lack of empathy is a much broader issue. If you think about it we do an enormous amount of non verbal communicating when we re face to face. Communication through our physical bodies can be frowning, laughing, questioning, yawning - even thinking can be communicated in a face to face situation. Empathy is transferable. Imagine listening to your favourite band on your smart phone as opposed to being at their concert and sharing the energy with a few thousand of your closest friends. So what s happening now that wasn t 30 years ago? A massive leap in technology. This allows more people to work from home or other remote spaces. More people can work alone. We don t need to be physically connected to get our work done; we have Skype, , phone and social media. In offices I hear complaints of people ing each other instead of walking around to the next cubicle. We can turn our online relationships off whenever we don t want to connect. Who goes invisible on Skype to see who s online before revealing yourself? Who hangs out on Facebook offline? Have you ever been cranky with someone and you chew and stew and mull over it, only to soften your whole attitude when you see them face to face? If we don t get to do this, the

3 offence committed can multiply to gargantuan proportions. When we meet face to face, it is our empathy that will win out in the end amongst those with mutually respectful relationships. We may be connected but we ve greatly reduced our face to face contact and therefore our transference of empathy. We re operating as individuals in our own little bubbles. We have limited opportunities to read others let alone understand what they re feeling and what s important to them. The same study suggested that because of our massive exposure to content of all sorts, including the live coverage of natural disasters and wars, we ve also become more immune to the pain of others, and less empathic in general. But I don t have to use empathy to get what I want No, you don t. In fact, you can continue to communicate the way you always have done, from your point of view. Let's weigh up the advantages and disadvantages. Advantages 1. You get what you want. Disadvantages 1. You engender a lack of respect 2. People distance themselves from you 3. People are reluctant to speak up, to be a part of a team 4. Anger, frustration and resentment build up 5. People leave their jobs (and marriages) And if I haven t convinced you yet, let s take a management point of view. As a leader it takes strategic commitment to consciously look at the world through another s lense, which will be as complex and as individual as your own. Surely if you can imagine someone else s point of view you re in a position to positively influence that person. You may not agree with that person s current point of view but do you want to influence, to persuade? To develop a strong respectful relationship? Then empathy gives you power.

4 In his 2001 HBR article, "Leadership in a Combat Zone," Lieutenant General William Pagonis, Director of Logistics during the Gulf War, wrote: Owning the facts is a prerequisite to leadership. But there are millions of technocrats out there with lots of facts in their quivers and little leadership potential. In many cases, what they are missing is empathy. No one is a leader who can't put himself or herself in the other person's shoes. Empathy and expertise command respect. Right brained skills like empathy are becoming more critical in the 21st century as we demand more of our jobs and our lives. Empathic people understand the importance of context. They see the big picture. They are more likely to be able to create long term results. But I m Told I m Not Empathic Incorrect. We re all empathic, including you. Empathy is in our bones. We re born with it. It s why babies cry when other babies cry and you feel the pain of another when he s kicked in the goolies. Dr Paul Ekman, a highly esteemed expert in the field of emotions, talks about different types of empathy. There s cognitive empathy, a skill that allows you to instinctively know how someone feels. When you can see a situation from another s perspective this is great stuff for motivating people. As he points out though, there can be a dark side to this type of empathy. Skilled torturers need it to better adjust their level of cruelty. They have cognitive empathy but no sympathy. Then there s emotional empathy, which may be the one you ve been accused of lacking. This is where you really feel along with the other person. The theory comes from the study of mirror neurons. About 15 years ago mirror neurons were discovered at the University of Parma in Italy. Researchers Giacomo Rizzolatti and Vittorio Gallese were initially studying the planning of movements in monkey brains. One day, one of the researchers reached out for a peanut to give to the monkey. They saw the same neurons in the monkey s brain starting to fire as if it was reaching for it himself. There was almost no

5 difference between a monkey s brain reaching for a peanut or a monkey observing a human being doing the same thing. Rizzolatti and Gallese published their findings in 1996 in the scientific journal Brain and termed their discovery mirror neurons. Since then a whole lot of research has been conducted on humans and it s been found that mirror neurons are just as active when you observe an action as if you were doing it yourself, which is why these little suckers have been linked to empathy and why you screw up your face when you see someone else sucking on a lemon. There s a theory in social psychology that says your mirror the body language of people you like. It s even taught in some sales courses; to mirror someone makes you more likeable. Imagine mastering a skill that allowed you see a situation from inside another s skin and understood how they felt without becoming overly emotionally involved. Imagine. Still think you re low on the empathy gene? When we feel such things as pain and distress or the pain and distress of others, two major parts of the brain light up in the insula and the anterior (frontal) cingulate cortex (ACC). The more important that person is to us, the more we care, the more they light up like a Christmas tree. But you may be someone whose insula just flickers. Don t despair, they are ways to strengthen this part of the brain. That is, assuming you want insight into others so you can positively influence them. Stay present. This involves being a better listener, an empathic listener. I ve devoted a bit more space to it here because I think it s so important. Empathic listening is a way of listening and responding that increases mutual understanding. It builds trust, reduces possible tension and allows you to see more clearly into the mind of the other person. Empathic listening encourages them to share more information as well. Through empathic listening the listener lets the speaker know, "I understand your problem and how you feel about it, I am interested in what you are saying and I am not judging you." With a genuinely interested tone of voice, non antagonistic language and open, collaborative body language you can encourage the speaker to share. While you doing this (and empathy is a practiced skill for some) you are actively strengthening your own empathic skills and in time will spark natural feelings of empathy. This doesn t mean you agree with the other person. It just means you are developing highly tuned skills to view a situation through another s lense. Pay attention to people. In an age where many distractions tempt us we offer very little undivided attention to others. Practice being alert and interested.

6 Imagine the other person in a terrible situation. This is a personal favourite and one that works particularly well if you don t like someone or they re rubbing you up the wrong way. Imagine they ve run over the cat on the way to the hospital to see their dying mother. You get the idea. For a less dramatic take, form theories on what might be happening in their world based on your current knowledge of that person. Ask yourself what it would feel like to be that person. Look for intent, values and things that are truly important to other person. This will mean listening with your left brain for what s being said, and your right brain for what s being felt. Ask questions such as what was that like? How did you feel? What did you want to happen? But not so many that you become an interrogator. Be respectful and don t use this time to throw your own viewpoint in. Find something in yourself that the other person would be interested in. Empathy is easier when you connect. Use mirroring, but be prudent. Subtly mirroring gestures of the other party successfully will have a dual benefit; they will see you as more likable and you will start to feel more connected more empathic. Tune into the breathing of others. Be aware of their breathing and find the same rhythms. Watch other s eyes closely; human eyes are enormously expressive and reveal a range of emotions. Remember a time when your reaction was similar to the one you re seeing right now. This doesn t mean the situation was the same but you can remember the experience of the same emotions. This can help you break down your own resistance to trying to understand that person. Empathy your secret superpower Empathy is a skill that anyone can master. And in a world where this skill is declining, that means you have something of value that many others do not. Our understanding and respect of the differences of others is a solid foundation for more open and productive relationships. But understanding the theory isn t enough to get results. Empathy is the glue.