Born to Judge. Understanding Inherent Behavior That Drives Conflict BY AMY ZEHNDER STRATEGIC WEALTH COACH

Transcription

1 Born to Judge Understanding Inherent Behavior That Drives Conflict BY AMY ZEHNDER STRATEGIC WEALTH COACH

2 Born to Judge Understanding Inherent Behavior That Drives Conflict BY AMY ZEHNDER, STRATEGIC WEALTH COACH It has been said that people formulate lasting opinions about others within seconds of meeting them. This puts a great deal of pressure on first impressions. How can we strive to make the perfect first impression that accurately reflects who we are in a way that is 100% acceptable to everyone we meet? It is a tall order, to say the least, and one with little chance of success. People, by nature, are born to judge and make judgments about others as well as themselves. When you add in the presence of wealth and the inherent perceptions that surround it, these judgments become ten times more complex as we cannot separate what is natural human behavior from behaviors associated with wealth. We will never be able to do anything about our inherent ability to judge. However, we can make a conscious decision to learn more about basic human behavior and then decide what to do with the quick conclusions that we inherently jump to. With the added complexity of wealth, it can be freeing to learn the natural, every day behaviors associated with innate personality types that would, or would not, be occurring, regardless of whether or not wealth is a factor. One way to learn about basic human behavior is to view it from the perspective of temperament theory. Temperament theory helps us to understand why people do the things they do and more importantly, why we don t all think alike. Temperament theory suggests that we are born with certain aptitudes and characteristics that are comfortable to us. For example, people usually write with either their right or left hand although we may be able to do both, one is more comfortable. Translate this into observable behaviors on a larger scale and you start to see differences in behaviors brought about by temperament theory. Some people struggle to be on time while others consider on-time to be fifteen minutes early. Another group of people like to answer every question with the words, it depends. For this group, the answer depends on the facts, data and knowledge available to them at that point in time, and the real meaning of the question that you are asking (the question behind the question). Still another group of individuals have so much concern and compassion for others they are incapable of separating out their individual needs from group needs. People outside this temperament group are often somewhat oblivious to the needs of others unless it s pointed out to them. 1

3 Insights Born to Judge Temperament theory suggests that all of these behaviors are rooted in our DNA, solidified before birth with no genetic predictors to determine which temperament type will be passed along to each child through the generations. This method of personality categorization can be traced all the way back to the Theory of Humors, which is a microcosmic form of the macrocosmic theory of the four elements (earth, water, air, fire) as first proposed by Empedocles (V B.C.). 1 Hippocrates is also considered one of the founding fathers of temperament theory, dating back to c.460-c.370 B.C. From the earliest of times through the most recent programs, almost all temperament theories have one thing in common: they all consist of four basic temperaments (thinking, feeling, sensation and intuition). One of the more prominent theorists along the way included Carl Gustav Jung (1923) who, in addition to his work with the four temperaments, separated personalities into two: the outward public self and the secret inner self, which translated into Extroverts and Introverts, another fascinating area of study. Others who advanced temperament theory included Isabelle Myers and Katherine Briggs, who in 1942 provided the greatest transformation of temperament theory with the emergence of the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). Myers and Briggs believed there was a difference in the way people preferred to use their minds, specifically in the way they made judgments; they believed that people were Perceiving or Judging. Perception involves all the ways of becoming aware of things, people, happenings, or ideas. Judgment involves all the ways of coming to conclusions about what has been perceived. If people differ systematically in what they perceive and in how they reach conclusions, then it is only reasonable for them to differ correspondingly in their interests, reactions, values, motivations, and skills. 2 The MBTI Assessment is used to assist in discovering one s personality type. The individual taking the Myers-Briggs Assessment receives a report consisting of four differentiating indicators taken from a total of eight: Extrovert vs. Introvert, Sensing vs. Intuition, Thinking vs. Feeling and Judging vs. Perceiving. These eight yield 16 combinations of personality types. Over the years, the MBTI has been widely used as the basis for understanding human behavior; it has been used to help people understand communication styles, resolve conflicts, establish trust and most predominantly, to understand one another. The MBTI has been used extensively in the business world as a team-building tool. Though a very useful tool, as time passed it became increasingly obvious that most people even if they could remember their four indicators struggled with remembering the 16 combinations that described the personality types of others. This skill is something essential to effective leadership, team building and family dynamics. 1 History of Temperament and Temperament Theory, Peter L. Heineman, Personality-Project, Myers & Briggs Foundation (2003). MBTI. Retrieved October 20, 2011, my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/. 2

4 In an effort to aid memory and simplify the process, temperament assessments began to use colors and animals to represent the four basic temperament types. From owls to foxes, dolphins, lions, beavers, and peacocks, you name it and it s probably out there. The same goes for the use of colors to represent a temperament type: from blue to orange, red to yellow, gold, green and back to blue; many have been used. A personal favorite, Real Colors, comes from NCTI (National Curriculum Training Institute) in Phoenix, Arizona, which uses the four colors: Gold, Green, Orange and Blue. Real Colors operates on the premise that each person has all four colors (temperaments) in him or her to varying degrees. Furthermore, most people have a primary and secondary color that stands out above the rest, especially during times of stress or crisis. However, a person could operate from a less dominant color with concentrated effort. Using the left hand/right hand example from earlier, people can write with their non-dominant hand if needed but when given the freedom to choose, the dominant hand will prevail, almost every time. THE FOUR REAL COLORS (TEMPERAMENTS): GOLD task-driven with an innate desire to accomplish, to be on time (or early), to plan, to create checklists and use them, to be organized, to maintain control and order, to create structure, to be prepared (including having back-up plans), to establish safety and security, and to save money for a rainy day. ORANGE (opposite of Gold) an innate desire to take risks, to create, to be innovative, to persuade, to have fun, to rally others and generate excitement, to enjoy life, to be active, to play, to make work fun, to bring happiness to others through laughter, to act spontaneously, to be a visionary, to break rules and to spend money. BLUE an innate desire to please others, to listen, to accommodate, to mediate and meditate, to take time to smell the roses, to spend time with family, to nurture others, to be empathetic and romantic. GREEN (opposite of Blue) an innate desire to research, find the facts, to gather more information and data, to learn, to be in their heads, to debate topics of interest without being emotionally invested, to desire logic, to deliberate over decisions, to avoid discussions of emotions or feelings and to ask why? Sometimes people can easily self-identify which one of the four is their dominant temperament type (color) or recognize which one best represents their family members. At other times, people may have two or three dominant temperament types and it may be less obvious. Even rarer are the individuals who are equally represented by all four temperaments, making them the true chameleons. Individuals with more than one dominant temperament type can flex in and out of the various temperament types fluidly (possibly confusing others along the way because others don t know what they are going to get from moment to moment). 3

5 Insights Born to Judge The benefit of learning about temperament types is that it provides an increased awareness and understanding of what drives behaviors. It provides insight into what makes people tick. A Gold mother for instance, who is surrounded by an Orange husband and all Orange children will go crazy trying to keep the family on time, impose rules, create consequences, and try to plan outings and events; she may even feel she has to hide away money for her own security. While the Orange family members are thriving on the chaos and breaking mom s established rules, which happens naturally for them, she is certain they will be her undoing. Conversely, if the Oranges in the family are all doing their best to be on time just because mom said so (to no avail), unhealthy tension will also be created within a family. Any of these circumstances may ultimately erode trust. Compare the last family to a family that has a Blue mom and kids living with a Green dad. Mom and kids will be valuing family time, watching movies together, going on family picnics, enjoying hugs from one another, reading each others emotions, inherently understanding one another and making decisions from the heart. On the other hand, dad will be spending most of his time researching his areas of interest (most likely on the computer), gathering facts, using his head to make decisions (facts vs. feelings or intuition), taking his time to make major decisions, and often all but completely avoiding discussions that involve feelings and emotions. The Green dad is much less inclined to connect on the Blue s emotional level and hugs will be a rarity. The Blues in the family may often misunderstand dad s behavior and attribute it to callousness, arrogance or selfishness. Conversely, the Green dad may wonder why he can t just get a moment to himself to think. Any combination of colors within a family can create a recipe for challenging family dynamics. Increasing a family s knowledge in the area of temperament theory is one way to start learning how to create greater respect and appreciation between family members. Understanding what drives behaviors is a starting point for establishing acceptable family norms as well as addressing the unacceptable. It may also provide insight that can help reduce conflict, establish better communication patterns and increase levels of trust amongst family members. For families of wealth, especially those with a goal of long-term wealth preservation, the value of Real Colors is multidimensional. It offers a language of understanding that aims to improve communication, problem solving and decision-making skills, all core elements we believe are essential to long-term wealth preservation. It may also provide insight into making asset allocation decisions to help maximize the family s long-term financial capital requirements. Using the family referenced previously, the Gold mom living in a household of Oranges (husband and all children), Real Colors brought clarity to why the mother didn t believe that any of her (Orange) sons were capable of running the family business or making critical family business decisions. Golds and Oranges, by nature, think differently and how they make decisions is often a foreign concept to one another. It was no surprise that the Gold mom didn t trust her sons decision-making capabilities. Ultimately, what this mom realized was that she was living with three visionaries who were natural entrepreneurs. Upon 4

6 being given a clear charter and the appropriate resources, along with the latitude of some risk, the sons were able to successfully grow the wealth. Understanding each other through Real Colors and knowing what makes each other tick regardless of, and separate from, each person s relationship with the family wealth or the family business, is eye opening for families. Real Colors is a rite of passage for accepting others for who they really are and it provides a means for making critical family decisions (including financial decisions) that are further removed from old habits. As human beings, we cannot stop ourselves from judging other people, but we can formulate more accurate pictures of who people are, starting from the first impression and separate from family wealth, so that we are more accepting and understanding of one another. Real Colors must be delivered by a certified Real Colors professional. For more information on Real Colors workshops, contact your Ascent Representative or an Ascent Strategic Wealth Coach: Amy Zehnder (amy.zehnder@ascent.usbank.com) or Kristen Armstrong (kristen.armstrong@ascent. usbank.com). Amy Zehnder is a certified executive coach with a degree in Industrial and Organizational Psychology. As a strategic wealth coach at Ascent Private Capital Management of U.S. Bank, Amy often facilitates workshops on family values. IMPORTANT DISCLOSURES Real Colors name, logo and content, owned by NCTI, used with permission by NCTI. NCTI is not affiliated with U.S. Bank in any way. Wealth Impact Planning services are not fiduciary in nature, and Ascent serves in a nonfiduciary role when providing these services. Wealth Impact Planning services may include strategic wealth coaching services in order to facilitate your self-assessment of Wealth Impact Planning issues. These services are not psychological or counseling services. Ascent does not engage in the practice of psychology. Wealth Impact Planning services are not legal or tax advice. These services are provided for educational and illustrative purposes only, and do not guarantee the success of any strategy or recommendation. Ascent shall have no liability for losses that result from decisions you make in connection with the services provided. You should consult your tax and/or legal advisor for advice and information concerning your particular situation. 5

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