Secrets of Happiness: It may not be what you think it is. NAGC Big Event, 28 th October 2012 Dr Shoshana Garfield, PhD

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1 Secrets of Happiness: It may not be what you think it is NAGC Big Event, 28 th October 2012 Dr Shoshana Garfield, PhD

2 What Makes You Happy?

3 What Makes You Distressed?

4 Outside In Living T h o u g h t Feeling Experience T h o u g h t T h o u g h t

5 What is Thought? Non-verbal: Even infants can be clinically depressed Physical pain is so non-verbal it even, in the extremity of the moment, may eradicate the very capacity for language Verbal: 12,000 to 50,000 thoughts per day (National Science Foundation) Beliefs verbal and non-verbal Stacked; one set of beliefs underpins another, e.g. My child needs good grades to get a good job sits atop My child needs a good (well-paying) job to be happy sits atop Having money will give my child happiness, or at least security.

6 Thought. Anxiety Happiness Anger Distress Culture, Family, School, Media, Religion, Generalisations from Circumstances, MEANINGS stack up and become filters for what is perceived (what is possible, what is deserved, what the self is, how relationships work, what love is, what safety is, etc.)

7 We all know people react differently... One person s frustrating traffic jam is another person s welcome opportunity to finish an audio book Even things like serious illness (cancer, amputations) have different emotional impacts on people A knowing, empirical and intuitive, that change in emotional habits is possible

8 Experience Is What We Think It Is It is our RELATIONSHIP with an event that determines our EXPERIENCE of it. Traffic jams Job loss can be greeted with relief or dread (or both, or any number of mix of feelings) Illness Death in the family Feelings are the physical experience of thought

9 Delving Deeper If change and variability is really even possible, then: Impact of Psychological Trauma/Big Life Events do not follow physical laws of damage Impact of PT/BLE do not follow the predictable laws of physics e.g. Law of Thermodynamics, Law of Gravity What is the real KEY to our wellbeing and happiness? The past events happened. They don t change. The RELATIONSHIP with the past changes. That relationship is 100% comprised of our thought. Reliance on the personal level of thinking (the level of psychology) to experience wellbeing is like looking under the streetlamp for your keys

10 What is Inner Wisdom (Happiness, Wellbeing)? Knowing yourself unconditionally AS, unconditionally, peace, love, kindness, compassion... Which leads to... DEEP sense of peace Inspiration, intuition Awareness of the nature and role of thought Detachment from outcome being OK with whatever happens Responsibility for one s feelings and actions

11 Examples of Paradigm Changes Old Paradigm Geocentrism Flat Earth Disease Theories that did nothing to improve health (e.g. Bad Smells, Punishment, Personality Faults) Current Paradigm Heliocentrism (3rd century BC, Aristarchus of Samos) Sphere-ish Earth Infection from viruses or bacteria Ignaz Semmelweis (1800s), Pasteur (later 1800s) Children are resources to be used by parents Psychology of the Personal Children deserve a childhood and parents are responsible for supporting that process. Psychology of Inner Wisdom (strands through the ages, includes compassion for the Personal)

12 Paradigm in Picture Level of Individual Psychology, of the Personal, of the Story Who we THINK we are, who we fear we are Inner Wisdom (Who we REALLY are)

13 Our Senses LIE to Us It SEEMS like the sun crosses the sky, but it does not. It is a reality that the sun crosses the sky according to the input of our senses, but this has nothing to do with explanatory causality. Similarly, we can FEEL extremes of emotions or even just bored. But this perceived REALITY does not relate to causality. Feelings, however compelling, are not caused by events or circumstances, but by the in-themoment-thinking about the events or circumstances.

14 Implications We are the creator of our experience (not events or other people (or THEIR feelings or actions or needs)!!!) We are therefore responsible for our experiences. In fact: We are 100% responsible for 100% of our experience, 100% of the time. NO MATTER WHAT. This does NOT mean blame or fault. Philosophically (as opposed to legally) speaking, there are NO victims, or perpetrators. No matter what.

15 Perspective Comparison Traps of Outside In Living I ll be happy when... (e.g. I get a new job or higher-paying client) I can t be happy because... (e.g. of my childhood, my current (problem)) The past intrudes into NOW I am vulnerable to circumstance; bad circumstance means pain/deprivation I am my story I am my demographics and my circumstance and my experience Freedom of Inside Out Living I am open to the possibility of choosing to be happy now. I can be happy irrespective of what the past contains or what is happening now The past is contained in the past. In fact, I recreate the past with my thoughts. I am deeply resilient. Circumstance does not impact my wellbeing or wisdom, which is innate. This is so even when I am in pain. I am not my story; I am in charge of my story, even when I do not experience that. I am something besides my body + personality. I cannot be put into words, insufficiently summed as the intelligence behind life / inner wisdom.

16 Positive and Negative of the Positive and Negative High Quality of Mind HAPPY ANGRY SAD ANXIOUS Low Quality of Mind

17 Land of Crap Thinking: Where most people live most of the time High High (Clear Thinking) Investment in goals / outcomes Clarity of Thinking (Mood, Quality of Thinking) Low Low (Distorted, Crap Thinking)

18 Where Are We Really Most Effective? High Land of Clear Thinking Clarity of Thinking: High Investment in goals / outcomes Taking Inspired Action, Infused with Calm and Peace Clarity of Thinking (Mood, Quality of Thinking) Low Low: Distorted, Crap Thinking

19 Call to Inner Wisdom The secret of the good life is not suffocating in the mind's crap. The mind s crap is like heroin (or a warm blanket or money in the bank or life insurance) it feels so good and protected and safe and warm that even if you do choke on your own sick, you don't mind so much. The alternative, freedom, is often too terrifying for a mind to tolerate, so the mind hides from freedom behind piles of s&!t, under blankets of evaluation, in a bed of memories. - Dr Brad Blanton

20 Shifting in and out of Inner Wisdom We move in and out of our Inner Wisdom many times every day Even the Dalai Lama gets upset sometimes LISTEN to your own talking, the talking of others Unless you allow yourself to SEE your thinking, you are vulnerable to being flooded by it, lost in the story. The trick is to keep compassionate awareness going, and remind ourselves of our Inner Wisdom, of our Truth: All is already well, We are already OK.

21 We Only Make 2 Mistakes Anger Anxiety Distress Happiness We innocently explain our unpleasant or distressed feelings as caused by something/someone outside of ourselves We innocently explain our pleasant feelings as caused by something/someone outside ourselves

22 And We Only Ever Have One Problem We only have a problem when we get lost in our thinking, when we think ourselves into a deep hole of feeling (e.g. worry, anger, depression). You may think this is ridiculous, that your problems are real...

23 REAL vs TRUE REAL Something can FEEL even catastrophically real a break-up, an illness, or the loss of a favourite toy TRUE Truth is constant our wellbeing is constant, even when we have no access to it New thought is always possible

24 Common Queries / Challenges Does this mean I have to change my thinking? Do I have to stop thinking? How is it possible to feel miserable and still be OK? It sounds like psycho-babble nonsense! Am I stupid or a failure if I have a bad mood? How is it possible for my child to be safe without physical safety (i.e. If my child is bullied)? Do nasty and cruel people have Inner Wisdom too? Isn t it unfair to also hold children responsible for their thinking?

25 (Partial) Summary of New Paradigm We all have innate Inner Wisdom We all have the SAME amount of Inner Wisdom, but access to it certainly varies We are only ever feeling our thinking We are 100% responsible for 100% of our thinking 100% of the time Your Inner Wisdom is always there, it is a constant, and your access to it is only ever an insight away.

26 Implications for Your Parenting No longer ever seeing yourself, partner or your children as victims (or perpetrators), but instead, seeing and knowing your and their already extant INNOCENCE and WHOLENESS Innocent because at the moment of tantrum, selfishness, etc. the person (big or little) has lost their connection to their Inner Wisdom in that moment Connecting to that innocence is one means to compassion Your job is help yourself and your child(ren) drill through the level of The Personal to your and their Inner Wisdom Not getting lost in your or their story, but staying present LIVING IT: FEEL it for yourself, drill down through your own Personal, lead by your own insight and calm.

27 Inner Wisdom, Compassion, Parenting When you are recognising the innocence of the involved parties, you are in compassion. Compassion means (in part) acceptance Anger means (in part) judgement Acceptance leads to accountability Judgment leads to punishment Which do you think your kids want you to be in when you decide about consequences?!?

28 Inner Wisdom Action Guide Like with losing weight, eating less at one meal is not a one minute solution, but it all adds up You find drama (e.g. Extreme anger or distress, temper tantrums) from your child decreases over time Talk about thought: BEFORE you NEED to!!!! As much as possible life gives opportunity LIMIT interaction when they are in drama! Once they calm down, you can talk with detachment about the thoughts that created the feelings. You find yourself reacting to their drama much less, and thereby leading them out of their emotional state faster.

29 Applied Inner Wisdom Child being bullied Child anxious before exam Child grumpy and resistant over, e.g. not wanting to do homework not wanting to contribute to housework not wanting to go to bed Child throwing tantrum Your examples?

30 Resources on Inner Wisdom Somebody Should Have Told Us J Pransky You Can Be Happy No Matter What R Carlson Parenting From the Heart J Pransky inner wisdom conference November First chapter of my book on forgiveness (free) To arrange a consultation, or a speaking or teaching engagement: sg@shoshanagarfield.com Office Number:

31 Any Questions? Feel free to ask ANY queries about this you wish